Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to e-mail this Mum and rant?

70 replies

AlchemySchmidtsSmile · 19/11/2016 14:52

I am being unreasonable and I won't do it but...
My other half is now going out to pick up our teen, take her for a meal and try and put her back together.
She was invited to her "friend's" birthday, told to go round at 2pm, went there to find no one in. Stood outside before ringing us.
We rang the mum, not reachable by mobile. She rang another friend who confirmed date, time and venue were correct (but she was unable to attend). We emailed mum to ask if something had gone wrong as DD was outside in the rain, noone there.
The friend who could not go's mum rang birthday girl's mum who then rang DD to say:
Party was at 12 not 2 and "friend" and others were out somewhere
Birthday girl's mum and rest of family were out eating elsewhere but would contact her to ring DD.
We told DD to come home or one of us would meet her. She said (and my heart is breaking) as she was already there, all dressed up and nowhere to go and had already got the presents, she would sit in a nearby cafe and await a phonecall.
Half an hour later still nothing and so her Dad has gone to get her and take her out for a meal.
Kids are 15.

Back story: DD and "friend" were close until DD had to move classes. Last couple of months "friend" has claimed to have no mobile, been unavailable to do anything and generally distant. DD thought there might be some slow fade/ghosting going on so was delighted to receive a birthday invite and said yes, she'd love to celebrate with her, what would her friend like etc (she went out and bought and wrapped the gifts herself). DD now feels that she was stood up.

To be clear DD would never ever angle for an invite to anything or self-invite nor would she have been upset or surprised not to have had an invite (she might not even have known given the class change). Therefore there was no obligation to send a duty invite or pity invite.

So why the hell did she ask her over if she didn't want her there? Why pretend she has no phone/how could she ring her (as Mum promised) if she has no mobile?

Advice please.
DD will be in school on Monday but might not see her unless seeking her out.
Takes her her gift anyway then let the whole friendship die?
Calls her on it and tells her how hurt she was?
Used the gift for Secret Santa and ignore friend from now on/whole situation?
Hold head up high and do nothing at all?

Mum has not replied to e-mail. The chance of DD getting time wrong was possible...the chance of the friend who could not go getting time wrong not so likely (so when she confirmed DD had the right time I find it hard to believe they both got it wrong).

Her Dad is best at this as he will just feed DD and listen.
Anyone's DD had something similar? What did they do and how did you support?

Thanks in advance
Kimmy x (stuck on a stupid Halloween name change).

OP posts:
SemiNormal · 19/11/2016 15:26

Give the birthday gift to your daughter, don't contact the mum again - she'll likely tell her daughter and they may make fun of your DD for it. Tell your DD to hold her head high and act unbothered by it at school (difficult but worth it). Also I would encourage friendships with other girls, perhaps you could host a sleepover for DD and some nicer friends next weekend?

EverySongbirdSays · 19/11/2016 15:29

Awww Kimmy that makes me feel so heartbroken for your DD - some similar shit happened in my own school days, same girls too.

She was obviously doing this deliberately to your DD and that one other girl who couldn't go but was also given the wrong time.

Ringing/emailing the Mum won't help and you know that.

It might be worth tipping off the schools pastoral team.

Importantly ask DD what she thinks happened and what she would like to do next or like you to do. Follow her lead. Flowers

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2016 15:30

I think the advice you've had is good but I would be so tempted to confront the mother.

I don't know why anyone can't see how unreasonably cruel this is and I would struggle not to tell her to her face.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/11/2016 15:31

Why is it not possible that there was a genuine mix up over the time? (sorry if I've missed something)

Fiderer · 19/11/2016 15:33

Have a daughter similar age same country. Have also been blindsided by events. Hard to respond to, acknowledging hurt and trying not to advocate/instigate carnage Wink

Good that she has something to look forward to tomorrow. Maybe also a small thing on Monday after she's gone to school with her chin stuck out and 'not a care on her'. Bookshop or make up at Müller does wonders for my d.

FlamingoSnuffle · 19/11/2016 15:34

I think I would let school know this happened.

If they genuinely wanted your daughter there surely they would have rang to see where she was when she was "late" for the party.

It is a bitch of a thing to do, not being invited is one thing, to deliberately set someone up to be stood up is just cruel.

Because of that I would let school know so they are forewarned of any further issues which may arise in school.

Lovely that your Dh has taken her out instead. Flowers

2kids2dogsnosense · 19/11/2016 15:36

What a spiteful, vindictive thing to do!

No - no present. Head high and ignore. If the other girl makes any reference to it, say she rang anther friend and they had a great time together - she was quite relieved there wasn't a part because her mum had told her she had to go even though she hadn't wanted to.

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 15:37

I don't have an answer to what it could be, but could it just be a miscommunication of some kind?

/me always looks on the bright side

YouHadMeAtCake · 19/11/2016 15:40

Petty spiteful mother and child. You poor DD. I wouldn't send an email but I would speak to her face to face. Keep the gift, no way should she give it to the birthday brat. This was all done very deliberately to hurt you poor DD. I would be so angry too. How can adults be so cruel and encourage their offspring.

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/11/2016 15:42

I see why you think it might be a stitch up, but I don't think the evidence is cut and dried.

Is the other girl who you checked the time with also on the way out with the birthday girl? Because it seems odd that birthday girl would deliberately give the wrong time to two people - if it was intended to be a nasty trick that leaves them with an immediate ally, which isn't typical for that sort of thing. If it was just supposed to be targeted at your DD then why did the other girl have the wrong time too?

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 19/11/2016 15:43

If it was a misunderstanding, then as other pp have said, why were there no calls asking where DD was?

Bountybarsyuk · 19/11/2016 15:49

I would treat it as if it were a mistake, an accident and carry on from that point.

I wouldn't accuse anyone or make out she's devastated at this point.

First it could be a mistake, it could be they changed the time/place and forgot to tell your dd or she was missed off an instagram group or something like that (or even did get the info and missed it herself, it has been known to happen). The other girl knowing it is somewhat of a red herring as she had declined the invitation, so if they changed the venue and time, then she wouldn't have been informed anyway.

Secondly, you will find out very soon whether it was a mistake, as they would apologize, the girl would seek her out and say sorry. If that doesn't happen, then you know it was either deliberate or she's not that fussed about the friendship.

I would also keep the mums out of it, these are 15 year olds and let them sort it out. Emailing the mum, harassing the mum, none of this will make you look better or make them feel guilty as either it was a genuine mistake or the dd is horrible, but it isn't going to induce guilt. The daughter just has to say to her mum 'I did tell her the time' or 'I didn't have her number' and she's off the hook and you are left looking like the one starting trouble.

You have done absolutely the right thing in going to get her and cheer her up, but support her to sort her own friendships out rather than interfering, I wouldn't be interested in a mum emailing me with this type of stuff and I'd believe my own child, that's what tends to happen.

Katedotness1963 · 19/11/2016 15:49

It started at 12 and by 2 they were somewhere else? Seems like it was spiteful. How horrible!

Bountybarsyuk · 19/11/2016 15:51

If it was a misunderstanding, then as other pp have said, why were there no calls asking where DD was?

If my dd's are hosting a party and someone doesn't show up, you wouldn't call them during the party and say 'where are you?'! Sometimes people are sick, stuck in traffic, rude, all kinds of things. Over the years sometimes people have dropped out, I wouldn't quiz them on why whilst the party was actually going on although I would wonder why they weren't there or hadn't sent a message.

Original poster
AlchemySchmidtsSmile · 19/11/2016 15:53

We're in Germany so the pastoral system doesn't exist! Wink

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBag · 19/11/2016 15:54

It could easily have been a mixup - as a pp said, 12 and 2 can look the same written down, and I know that I've misread my own writing in my diary before making the exact same mistake.

So I would not jump to too many conclusions just yet.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 19/11/2016 15:56

or.......if you would really like to think the best of them...
nobody else could / would come
when the birthday party had yet more last minute cancellations and it was down to girl + parents + your daughter they pulled the plug and "ran" realizing how humiliated their daughter would be if anyone knew this, they are now pretending to be out having a party - but are having some kind of family only bash...?

Fiderer · 19/11/2016 16:02

Where are you in D? I work in a secondary school in RLP. Have 3 teenagers who've been in different schools. Now 1 is out, 1 somewhere else after Yr9 and 1 still in.

Curious about the partial re-sit. And yes, to the pastoral side of schools.

Original poster
AlchemySchmidtsSmile · 19/11/2016 16:03

Sorry, very quickly before I go.
bippety you haven't missed anything love. It could have been a genuine mix up (particularly as zwölf/zwo/zwei are similar) but she confirmed the time with DD Thursday and when DD was outside klingeling with no reply (venue was girl's home) she contacted another friend who confirmed it was supposed to be at two. The time could have changed between Thursday and today. Long shot but possible. But no contact to let her know that if that was the case.

OP posts:
blueturtle6 · 19/11/2016 16:09

Would your DD donate the gift to a girl in care for Christmas? Double whammy as she can tell the birthday girl her present has been given away to someone more deserving.
Put mean girls DVD on for her, pr better still swap birthday girls present for that movie.
Hope she's ok x

bimbobaggins · 19/11/2016 16:10

I don't think you are jumping to conclusions. This appears to be a deliberate act to upset your daughter but I hope the behaviour shows your daughter that this girl is not her friend. Keep her head up high and definitely don't give present.

Original poster
AlchemySchmidtsSmile · 19/11/2016 16:10

bounty are you a HOY?! Grin I butt out completely from their friendships, that's a golden rule (along with never saying to a mate "couldn't stand him anyway" when they break up with an ex) Wink
I will keep an open mind but suspect the damage to the friendship is now, as someone posted above, "pretty damned permanent" mainly because having been contacted by her mum to say DD is at X allegedly two hours after the event, the "friend" still neglected to call DD to either say sorry about the mix up or let her know where they were currently holed up.

OP posts:
mumofthemonsters808 · 19/11/2016 16:16

How awful OP, it does not surprise me though, I have a daughter the same age and over the years, she's had some dirty tricks played on her. She's lucky, in the sense, that she flits around different friendship groups, so she's never dependent upon a certain circle of friends, but I think this scenario would test her.Here's my advice:

Take the present back, don't give it to the girl, she doesn't deserve it.

Tell your daughter to hold her head up high, shoulders back, when she
sees the girl, acknowledge her, but don't expect any explanation or for her to beg for forgiveness. YOur daughter is not important enough to this girl, in the hierarchy of friendship, she's not at the top and positions change overnight.I suspect there was a group message with all the arrangements, outfit choices etc that missed your daughter and that speaks volumes.

Don't contact the Mother, she's probably as horrified as you are at the way your Dd has been treated, but there comes a time when you really do need to leave your children to it, we can't fight their battles, all we can do, is listen, advise and support.It's a very hard lesson to learn that Mum can't fix everything in life but the more awful experiences we encounter the more we adapt our behaviour.Ive stepped back from intervening in many situations despite the hurt its caused me seeing my Dd upset, but she needed to learn that I can't solve everything.

I've found chocolate, films, baths, shopping trips, all help a sad teen who is more or less grieving for a lost friendship.

Original poster
AlchemySchmidtsSmile · 19/11/2016 16:18

Hi fiderer fellow Strictly fan. Am in Bayern, we have the hardest school system doncha know?!Wink She did "freiwillige Rücktritt" which meant going back to yr 7 Feb to July then doing yr 8 so repeating but not using the "sitzenbleiben" card yet, which she will probably need for year nine.
You therefore repeat the year you are failing but you don't wait to fail in July for repeating. You get an automatic pass for year 7 as you have passed it once already so no pressure from Feb to July but supposedly you fill the gaps that allowed you to fuck up the Sept to Feb yr 8 Lernstoff.
I'll get back to you as to whether that works...

OP posts:
EleanorRigby123 · 19/11/2016 16:21

I think you should try to establish exactly what happened before concluding it was a deliberate ploy to upset DD.

There could have been a mix up with the times -either a misunderstanding by your DD or a late change which your DD did not hear about. 15 year olds can be very disorganised.
I would not read anything into the mum not replying to the email. I only check mine once or twice over a weekend. She may not have seen it.
She may have been in a mobile black hole when you called or she may not have heard it. I have just returned from a restaurant to find three missed calls on my phone. I just did not hear it ringing. And I was not in a large group of teenagers.
Hope your Dd is OK though - sounds pretty grim.