to want to e-mail this Mum and rant?

[AlchemySchmidtsSmile]

I am being unreasonable and I won't do it but...
My other half is now going out to pick up our teen, take her for a meal and try and put her back together.
She was invited to her "friend's" birthday, told to go round at 2pm, went there to find no one in. Stood outside before ringing us.
We rang the mum, not reachable by mobile. She rang another friend who confirmed date, time and venue were correct (but she was unable to attend). We emailed mum to ask if something had gone wrong as DD was outside in the rain, noone there.
The friend who could not go's mum rang birthday girl's mum who then rang DD to say:
Party was at 12 not 2 and "friend" and others were out somewhere
Birthday girl's mum and rest of family were out eating elsewhere but would contact her to ring DD.
We told DD to come home or one of us would meet her. She said (and my heart is breaking) as she was already there, all dressed up and nowhere to go and had already got the presents, she would sit in a nearby cafe and await a phonecall.
Half an hour later still nothing and so her Dad has gone to get her and take her out for a meal.
Kids are 15.

Back story: DD and "friend" were close until DD had to move classes. Last couple of months "friend" has claimed to have no mobile, been unavailable to do anything and generally distant. DD thought there might be some slow fade/ghosting going on so was delighted to receive a birthday invite and said yes, she'd love to celebrate with her, what would her friend like etc (she went out and bought and wrapped the gifts herself). DD now feels that she was stood up.

To be clear DD would never ever angle for an invite to anything or self-invite nor would she have been upset or surprised not to have had an invite (she might not even have known given the class change). Therefore there was no obligation to send a duty invite or pity invite.

So why the hell did she ask her over if she didn't want her there? Why pretend she has no phone/how could she ring her (as Mum promised) if she has no mobile?

Advice please.
DD will be in school on Monday but might not see her unless seeking her out.
Takes her her gift anyway then let the whole friendship die?
Calls her on it and tells her how hurt she was?
Used the gift for Secret Santa and ignore friend from now on/whole situation?
Hold head up high and do nothing at all?

Mum has not replied to e-mail. The chance of DD getting time wrong was possible...the chance of the friend who could not go getting time wrong not so likely (so when she confirmed DD had the right time I find it hard to believe they both got it wrong).

Her Dad is best at this as he will just feed DD and listen.
Anyone's DD had something similar? What did they do and how did you support?

Thanks in advance
Kimmy x (stuck on a stupid Halloween name change).

[AlchemySchmidtsSmile]

I have seen Mean Girls more times than I can count! Charity donation is an option turtle have just done two for the local hospital for St Martin's Day so I know they are always in need. There is also a tree in Kaufhof with children in care's wishes on it, ypou pick up a wish, buy the item and hand it to customer services. So if anyone wanted the latest GregsTagebuch they're in luck. The necklace and nail varnish can be refitted or Secret Santaed.

[Bountybarsyuk]

I'm not a HOY but I do pastoral care with students and I never ever take sides!

It's hard not to when you are a mum though, and I agree the fact they didn't then text or contact your dd means that even if it was a mistake, initially, the friendship is going to struggle now as they didn't take care of her when she was upset. The only thing I can think was that this girl and your dd don't have each other's mobile numbers and that's why she wasn't texted/told when the party was going on where to go next. The mum doesn't sound like she was present to sort it out (but I may have misunderstood).

It sounds like the friendship was dying out anyway and this was a death blow. It is odd though that the girl would also give another girl (who you say is very popular) the wrong time too, I do genuinely think this indicates more of a mix-up than a deliberate act as usually these things are done to isolate one person and that wasn't done here. That said, it's the way she handles it from now on that will determine if there's anything to save. I would probably take the present into school but not give it unless the girl came up with a full and genuine sounding explanation and apology.

[AlchemySchmidtsSmile]

you
regifted

I try to keep an open mind. I just needed to vent and knew you guys would step up (thank you) as it's hard to be objective when there's wracked sobs down the phone. I really have to go now but will be back later if anything to update. Thanks again.

[Fiderer]

Ah, did wonder if it was Bayern. You poor sod. I say that as a mother of 3 and as one working in a school And as a school governor

And having struggled with/struggling with 'English' teachers for years.

[AlchemySchmidtsSmile]

665 it did occur to me but DD would have been nothing but supportive. You would just call it off with an emergency or other reason if you wanted to save face. It did happen once though to a girl we knew in primary: I was the only one to RSVP and the mum and I arranged to go to the zoo instead. These are teens though so in that situation could be harder to deal with. I would have immense sympathy were that the case but zero sympathy with how it was handled.

Back later, well, after Strictly xx

[Trifleorbust]

Well, as much as it's possible that this was deliberate, it could also have been a mistake. The other girl may not have had her phone on or charged or may not have been checking it.

[Jackiebrambles]

Your poor Dd.

Agree definitely don't give the girl the present! even if there was a time mix up why didn't they wonder where she was?! Bitches.

Hope she had a lovely treat meal out with her Dad. That's pretty special to have some one on one time with a parent.

[AlchemySchmidtsSmile]

Fiddy I feel your pain. The English teacher who insisted peasant was pronounced pea-zunt, statue was statyour, pigsty was pig-stee, and gist was phonetic gist. I'd be laughing if I wasn't crying....

[AlchemySchmidtsSmile]

The natives have gone from restless to rightfully rebelling.
Am switching off but like Arnie, will be, back.
trifleorbust trifle please! I miss it. It could have been.
Jackie yes with three, one-on-one is rare and sadly needed a lot more: almost wish I was wife#3 in a polygamous harem for at very reason.

[Fiderer]

FidGirl had to give a presentation this week on the US election. Insult to injury if ever there was one. She got a 1 (well she bloody well should have, I drafted it with gritted teeth) and pleaded with me to get her out of any future ones.

[Blu]

They are 15: Many 15 year olds are terrible at communications and arrangements.
They also make their own arrangements - this is a girl to girl thing, not a mother to mother thing.
It is often harsh when not mutual but friendships come and go at that age.

'Put her back together' 'heart breaking' - OTT.

There is no need to escalate this - tell DD to just be cool, she can ask birthday girl what the hell happened, believe or not believe the explanation, and no need to give her the present.

[Blu]

OK, have now seen your wracked sobs post - so understand why you are so upset for her.

But honestly - teens, arrangements, fall outs....

I hope it all calms down.

[1happyhippie]

Your poor daughter.
I'm hoping it has been a genuine mistake regarding the time, but I'm not sure how likely that is.


I remember a very similar situation at school when I was a teen. I was set up and have never forgotten the way it made me feel.
I wouldn't be passing that present on if it was deliberate.
Girls can be mean. I have this all to come with my youngest two.

My eldest is a teenager, but a boy. They seem to deal with things differently and I haven't had the drama that lots of mums with teenage girls have.

[NancyJoan]

Poor lovely girl. Hope she's smiling and having ice-cream by now.

[gillybeanz]

Don't give the gift, hold head up high and say nothing.
Whoever planned this and it sounds planned doesn't need the satisfaction of knowing it bothered your dd.
I would also ignore the girl and maybe the cronies if your dd thinks they were in on it too.
Girls can be cruel at this age, it's tough on your dd, but best to ignore.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

If it was purposeful the best revenge is always to be happy. And if the girl is spiteful and teases her about arriving to an empty house, I'd get your dd to pretend the present she bought was something awesome but she's now keeping it for herself. What's the most coveted thing for 15 yr old girls and within 50€? I appreciate that's a big amount to spend but I'd play her bluff back.

[Soozikinzii]

I think you have all handled a difficult situation really well and it is lovely that she has had that special meal out with her dad.I am sure that will be some thing for her to look back on .I lost my dad as a little girl so I never had such a precious memory xx I can't see any point in contacting the girl's mum and the one upshot of the strange educational system over there is that your DD won't need to see the girl.The present can be used for a new friend or secret santa but definitely not for the girl in question. The fact that we are all rooting for your DD on here may be some comfort to you , that and knowing you have made the best of It as a family xx

[Cucumber5]

How was the invite given? Can you check the timing?

[whyayepetal]

Sorry for your DD,, OP. I have a 15yo DD - she has developed a nice line in humour for this kind of thing (the latest is group of "friends" going to a local event who want her to go along as she can keep a conversation going with a boy that one of the others is interested in. They also don't want her there as she might prove more interesting to said boy She is currently threatening the group with turning up in camouflage, hiding in a bush and jumping out at the appropriate moment - that or not going at all, which really scares them as the conversation might stop ) Your DD has the moral high ground in spades here - get her to stick on a smile on Monday and think "you do you, I'll do me" while smiling sweetly at this girl, then regifting her present to a worthier cause. She sounds lovely btw

[WLF46]

She should ignore her "friend" from now on. Remind her of the advice, "fuck me over once, shame on you. Fuck me over twice, shame on ME." Or perhaps "never forgive, never forget." Use the anger and hurt against the "friend" and their family. Build upon it and act upon it when the opportunity arises. "Revenge is a dish best served cold!"