Massive debilitating crush!!

[CrushCrazy]

Have nc for this as I'm too embarrassed and worried it's identifying... I have a massive, and totally inappropriate, crush on someone I work with and it's driving me crazy. It's been several weeks now, I can't sleep or eat properly, have lost weight (that I can ill afford), am hyper and think about him ALL the time. It is totally inappropriate for many reasons, main ones being that he is married with kids, as am I and that we work together. Before I get flamed I have absolutely no intention of acting on it, ever - I just want to vent (as I can't in RL) and I need advice on what to do to bring me back to normality!!.

Background: I met him at work a few months ago (we have lots of different projects on the go and work with many different people - it's a v large organisation). I just thought he was a lovely guy initially and although not particularly good looking facially I couldn't help but notice he's in hot shape for his age (mid 40s I'd guess - I'm early 40s). Anyway, it brightened my day but nothing more. We had to meet a few more times over the next few months and it was always a pleasure as I found him sparky and fun (and admittedly easy on the eye), but no more than that. Fast forward to one night where we both attended a symposium type event after work. I arrived there and he sought me out and came over and we chatted, stood together for the presentations and then chatted some more afterwards. There was a small amount of alcohol but it ended early so was by no means a boozy affair. Anyway, I really enjoyed the chat, I find myself feeling really animated when I'm around him, we make each other laugh etc. He's also incredibly bright and everyone wants to work with him, which is also v attractive. Anyway, I found myself thinking about him all the way home. I got the impression he fancied me, although he didn't say or do anything remotely inappropriate - I think you can just tell can't you?. Since that night I have been thinking about him non stop, obsessing about him really. I get giddy when I know I have to meet with him, taking extra care over my appearance etc. I almost have to sit on my hands in meetings as I have a massive overwhelming urge to touch him. He looks at me too, though he is a lovely guy and I'm pretty sure would never do anything. Anyway, after reaching one particularly hard deadline a group of us went to the pub. We chatted as a group and nothing inappropriate at all but moving more towards friends talk than work if you see what I mean. He said that he'd noticed another man looking me up and down and said he thought he was a sleazebag (I didn't notice) but, embarrassingly and inappropriately , I was pleased that he'd noticed that as I felt it made him notice me and that men fancy me ifswim. Gaaaaaaaaaaaah.

It's now got to the point where I'm really excited if I've got a legitimate opportunity to email him or meet with him and I feel like a pathetic teenager. I'm a professional, married woman in my 40s!

Anyway I'm rambling on. What I really want to know is how do I stop myself from feeling like this? I must admit I've enjoyed it up to a point as it's made me feel alive and I've enjoyed the daydreaming, but I fear if it carries on I'll make a fool of myself..... To add context I have 2 small children and a busy husband who gives me no attention and pretty much no emotional support. He's a good man but there's no spark at the moment and I often feel he's distant. We hardly ever have sex as we're both tired and our sleeping arrangements are complicated with 2 small children who co sleep. One night recently though I did instigate it (logistically quite difficult for various reasons and also quite unexpected by him I think atm...) as I was so pent up I just needed a shag!!. Is that awful???

Oh god I don't know what to do. I guess I'm unreasonable but I really don't think I can help biology and I never set out to fancy him, it just happened. The tough thing is that I don't think it's just physical, I admire him and think he's a lovely guy too and has lots of the qualities that I feel my husband lacks. Nothing will ever happen, even if my marriage did end (which I hope it won't) as he belongs to someone else and I'd never do that to another woman, so I'm not U in that sense, but my god it needs to stop!! Does this happen to anyone else or am I am a massive hormonal, mid life crisis crazy woman..??!

Help!!!

Kids know when their parents don't get on.

Thank you Beatifulbaby, sorry if I jumped down your throat...

I just want to help. A long time ago, in a prior relationship (fortunately no kids) I was where you are now.

Good luck OP . I used to keep reading back on my thread and it did help. Also lots of sex with DH (when achievable!).

And what happened Beautifulbaby, did you get over your crush?

... It was obsessing over someone. How I didn't lose my friends I don't know. I only had one topic of conversation. One thought stream ALL the time. Then one day (after 18 months) I had an epiphany and I got my brain and some peace back. I met my hubby 3 months later. :-) I know now it was the anxiety in me that took over not that he was an awesome bloke who deserved so much of my time and energy.

As the mum in Gavin and Stacy says 'we're all animals dawn' crushes are fine as long as they're just that ...sorry not massively insightful but I think it's part of our biology and daydreaming etc totally fine just don't act on it - then it would all come crashing down with guilt, heart break etc...

Mmmm I don't think I'm the same Beautiful as I don't talk about him in RL and I'm still productive at work (maybe even more productive as I'm in overdrive...), especially where his projects are concerned...

I can only go on what you said earlier, that you constantly think about him.... sorry. Good luck, I hope you remember the good things in your husband and vice versa. That would be something truly lovely to dream about. Am off to bed. :-)

I had a huge crush on my old boss. The best thing that stopped it for me was to meet his wife and children. After I did even though I still found him attractive I never thought of him romantically again.

Reverse it. How would you feel if this was your DH and another woman?

I haven't read the whole thread but what I have seen is other women who have been or are where you are now.

You can only imagine another life with this man. The reality would be very different with two broken marriages to contend with.

Sometimes fantasies are best left as just that. How can you reinstate your marriage and the feelings you once had for your husband? Can you improve your communication and sex life and bring back the spark?

If not then you need to consider leaving but you cannot consider someone else until you have and then you will find yourself in an entirely different place.

If and when you do, I suspect your feelings will be very different

What helped me deal with my crush was thinking about the realistic consequences of actually going for it. How he wouldn't be such a lovely bloke if he'd willingly cheat on his equally lovely wife and risk devastating her. How my friends and family would be so disappointed in me for chasing a married man. What his and my dc's would think...

I found it to be a good mental cold bucket of water to throw on a crush! Use the energy your crush is generating and focus it on your marriage. You owe it to your dc's to try to work things out, and if it fails to separate amicably with no-one else in the picture and as little drama as possible.

I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said, only that what you are going through sounds scarily the same as a friend of mine. She is in her mid 40s. Husband has high powered career, she had to give up hers to care for their children. He is quite selfish and was very disengaged from family life. She felt unfulfilled and uncared for. Intimacy had gone from their relationship and she ended up having a highly inappropriate fling because it made her feel better about herself (IMO). She is now in the process of separating from her husband and in her words, her world is crumbling around her. Perhaps it will be for the best in the end, but at the moment it is just causing a great deal of pain all round. Tread very carefully and with your eyes open as to why this is happening. It wouldn't be unless your marriage was in trouble. Best of luck.

Hmm this happened to my mate. But they took it further after her car broke down. He gave her a lift home, she invited him in (Her OH in the army and dc with mil) A night of passion followed by an affair. His SIL saw them out together and told his wife. Massive fireworks. Mates OH got to hear of it. WW3. Mate and her crush are now living together, they have twins as well as her older dc and she says they row constantly over money and everyday stuff like the kids playing up . The grass is far from green now.

I've had this for 2 years. Worst of all it is a psychologist who I see occasionally so I know it is all tied up with transference etc. His professional self - calm, great listener, strong personal boundaries - contrasts so much with my DH. He exhibits all the qualities I am thirsting for in my partner.
It is starting to fade, thank goodness. We have had a bit of non-professional contact over the years as our DC have done some common sport activities so I have met his wife (who is lovely) a few times and that helps to take the intensity off as I remind myself this is a real person with a family.
I am interested in the connection between crushes/fantasy and anxiety as I think this has been a theme of my life.

Is there a teens mumsnet because that is where this idolising drooling belongs, frankly.

Even the word "crush" is laughably juvenile.

Is there a teens mumsnet because that is where this idolising drooling belongs, frankly.

I bet you're a scream at parties

Random, much?

Even the word "crush" is laughably juvenile.

The term 'limerance' would probably be more fitting for people in their 30s and over, but 'I'm suffering limerance over my coworker' doesn't roll off the tongue so easily! And it is something that can affect someone of any age, especially if they happen to be unhappy in areas of their life.

Something like this happened to me last year when work stress was causing problems between DH & I (we work together). I tried not to see the guy but couldn't stop think about him and about leaving DH, even though the guy didn't appear to be interested in me in that way.

I eventually admitted it to DH earlier this year & we had a huge heart to heart about our issues and established ultimately that we were worth fighting for.

Although DH had been suffering a lot of work related stress, I think the main issue had been me. At the time I didn't have much friends really and was a bit lonely (DHs stress meant he hadn't been showing his love as well too) so I'd loved the attention (even though the guy had only meant it in a friendly way). I made an effort to meet more people, made some friends both make & female by joining a sports team (which also did wonders for my self esteem) and having more of a life away from DH meant we had more to talk about other than work which has really improved things between us. DH has also made more of an effort to SHOW he loves me and I have to say although I have been getting monster PMS symptoms this year, we've been closer and happier than ever. As for the other guy? I can't even picture his face in my head now.

What I'm trying to say is that in my case certainly, it was actually nothing to do with the individual other person, it was just the attention, and once the underlying issues were sorted then the crush went away.

So my advice is: talk to your DH. Whether you admit your crush to him or not (I'm glad I did as I believe in being totally honest with DH and would feel guilty for hiding it from him), talk to him about how you don't feel as close to him and what you can both do to sort that, if you are both willing to try to fix things. You say you've lost the spark, well the spark can be brought back if you both try! It's not something that is lost and never found again.

Maybe think about getting a hobby too, maybe even a sport. Get your self esteem back. I found when I had my crush that I was worried I was on the verge of losing my "appeal" to men too, but since starting this sport I've never felt as fit or as good about myself in all my life. I sometimes wonder if my crush was simply caused by my lack of self esteem at the time, as once I started to get fit and feel good about myself again I felt I didn't need any attention from men, I felt great anyway. It started after my second time attending the team, so there wasn't physical changes to my body really, I just felt great.

I can honestly say I've never felt happier than I do now, in my life and in my relationship. I'm so glad I was honest with DH and that I started that sport and got my self esteem back.

Is there a teens mumsnet because that is where this idolising drooling belongs, frankly.

Even the word "crush" is laughably juvenile.

Not sure. When you're checking yourself into Miserable Moaners' Mumsnet you can ask them if they've heard of it.

I don't really have any advice for you, but you have my sympathies. I ebb in and out of a crush on my dh best friend. Problem is he's 21 years older than me, kinda looks my dad, paunchy and balding. Can anyone say daddy issues! (My dad left when I was 18 for another woman, I would be a therapists dream). But he's also a real adult, something my dh lacks a bit, as he's not particularly hard working and is quite immature emotionally. And he talks to me like a grown up. The other day he helped me pick up a sofa from someone's house and he told me he was unhappy and bored in his marriage and I felt that little flutter in my stomach, but I know that to act on it would devastate far too many people. And to be honest I don't want to have an affair with him, I think he just offers what my dh lacks!

Bore off AlexaT

Thanks for the advice hungryhangry

I'm afraid I blew up at my husband this morning, nothing to do with the crush but more his constant negativity and childishness. I really feel like I'm done today and I've told him so. At least I haven't been thinking about Mr Hot..

This is an x post with your last post OP. I've been typing bits of it while dealing with DD. But i'm posting it as it is anyway ....

I've been thinking about your thread OP. This is going to be a bit of a ramble sorry. I've been where you are. Twice.

The first time i was married (i got married very young) and he was married AND he was a relative of my husband. Same age as me. We both had kids. I kept my feelings quiet and it went on for 7 years. It was 'cured' in the end when we left the area and moved house to miles away. Interestingly, for reasons too boring to go into, 'crush' and i ended up spending a lot of time together alone just before the move. During this time it became clear my feelings had been reciprocated by him for years. Since before i'd got married in fact. sigh. Good job i left when i did as nothing good could have come of that mess.

The second time was 8 years later. This time the man was single and after 2 years of tying to fight it i left my husband for him. Marriage was failing, like yours. We'd married so young and grown miles apart by then and nothing i tried to do seemed to fix it. It was a scary and emotional time, but worked out ok in the end. Happily married to 'new' man. Been together 8 years. So anyway those are my credentials

Having a crush is thrilling. Its a bit like an exotic pet. To really get it going you have to spend a lot of time feeding it and caring for it (ie time daydreaming and fantasizing) and having plausible reasons in your mind to keep hold of it. In turn it rewards you with a great on tap distraction form real life and a literal physical thrill. Butterflies in the stomach. A reason to look good. A reason to spend time on your self/by yourself, not eat as much, whatever. Takes you away form where you are now to somewhere else. It's like a drug. To give it up you have to want to and where's the good reason to do that when it's your private fantasy? Yes?

But it's not that simple. This bloke goes home to his wife. He loves her. He lives with her. They have sex. They have children. They laugh together, go shopping together. She doesn't know about you - you're lying in bed thinking about her husband and getting off. Supposing she knew? How would she feel? Amusement? Pity? Anger? Supposing HE knew? Is he likely to announce his divorce, wave to his kids and rush to your side?

OP - in your mind now you need to separate this crush crisis from your marriage totally. (Even though the sate of the later has fueled the other) Stop blaming your marriage for the crush now. You've stood back and seen it all for what it is and now it's time to piss or get off the pot.

What would happen if you told your husband you're hankering after another man? Offer him the opportunity to step up and join you in healing the relationship or close it down and go your separate ways. Suggest an open marriage? How would that go? Wouldn't it be better if everyone's cards were on the table? If not, why not? You say you might not be bothered if your husband felt this way about another woman, but you'd want to know about it wouldn't you? So that you could make some decisions of your own. Do you want to save the marriage? Do you want your husband to want to save the marriage? You've got bigger things to think about than the crush. Look at it that way. Here is a cross roads in your life. Well more like a T junction really. Mr. Crush has no answers for you. He's busy being married.