To think i could get my ds back?

[Fouristhebestnumber]

Sorry if this is long, I'm going to try not to drip feed. And I'm not a troll (mumsnet scarf, cube of poo, fruit shoots)

I split up with exh 3 years ago. I met someone else. Again, I know that is frowned upon here but I'm not holding back.. my exh was emotionally abusive, I wanted to leave him for years but he would always tell me that no one else would ever take me on with my 'issues' (depression and anxiety) and I believed him then I met someone at work and it was as though I'd known him forever.. exh was hurt and angry of course.. we shared a flat, living there with ds who was then 3.. I tried to stay a while, on the sofa, but exh began to get physical with me - physically throwing me out of the flat, held me up against the wall by my throat, once deliberately shut my fingers in the door... I started to worry for my safety so I left. The only place I had to go was my alcoholic fathers spare room.

I thought I'd take ds with me but exh forcibly stopped me, I left and then later that day a courier brought me an urgent court summons forbidding me to see ds for 10 days due to safeguarding issues.

I became very ill, I developed tinnitus and static vision, both of which I still have. I couldn't afford a solicitor. Exh was given residency and I was given eow, 1 night in the week and 1 afternoon.

Ever since life has been hellish. Ds was enrolled in a school close to exh. I live a few miles away due to not being able to afford to stay close, its an expensive area and I pay exh maintenance for ds.

Every moment he isn't with me I feel incomplete. I miss him so much. Every time I take him back it makes me cry. I need him so much.

I just got made redundant at work too. I'm thinking of taking the money and using it to fight for ds. I asked a solicitor and she said that because ds has been living happily with exh for 3 years and goes to school there that I wouldn't win.. it has to be worth a try though?

I'm surprised SS weren't concerned about your DS living with your ex when your ex had been violent. But, there must be nuances that I'm missing.

If you feel unable to cope with DS on your own then it probably isn't time to try to get him back.Put your redundancy package into a savings account just now and know that it's for a future case. In the meantime, focus on getting well and managing your anxiety

I'm surprised SS weren't concerned about your DS living with your ex when your ex had been violent. But, there must be nuances that I'm missing

From SS point of view though, the child has the choice of being left with his dad, where he's settled and being treated well. If o/p didn't report the DV to the police or SS, and/or there's no evidence of DV toward the child in particular.

vs. taking the child from his home and placing him in a house with a confirmed alcoholic, no room of his own, and a mum who has health issues and admits she struggles to look after herself, let alone her child.

I don't think SS are at fault. It sound like they felt the status quo was best for the child, and I'd agree from what the o/p has posted.

Wow, I can never understand people that put new relationships before their own children. To be honest it makes me very angry! Well done for getting away from abusive xh but you should have took your son with you there and then

That's a bit cruel. The OP didn't take her son and her son appears to be a happy and loving little boy. It looks like she made the right decision, although is certainly paying for it now. And what's done is done. I wish posters wouldn't dredge up what the OP should have done.

OP, I think you know the other posters are right. It must be so difficult not having your son with you more of the time. But it sounds like he is happy with the way things are and that is what you have to find coping mechanisms for. Make the most of your time with him and concentrate on getting yourself into a better place.

"I made a choice because dp was losing his dc completely."

There you go then. You made a choice. And it wasn't about putting your child first. It was about facilitating your DPs relationship with his children first. You also admit you can't parent and cope without him and you have MH issues. Your DS should stay where he is. You aren't able to parent him properly.

My judgement on this will be clouded because my mother left me but ultimately I don't think your DS should be uprooted because you want him now after you left him and put others before him.

really yy there could be reasons which is why I said I wasn't aware of the nuances because if OP had told SS that ex was violent to her in front her of DS (if he was), and that ex wouldn't let her take DS with her then SS wouldn't have automatically looked favourably on her ex.
Regardless, I still think OP has to focus on getting well just now rather than a custody battle.

Reading this post you really don't sounds stable enough to be primary carer..
If you are unable to care for your DS without the support of your DP.
As other have said what if you separate?
What if you become more unwell.

I hear no concerns from you about your DS....Seems odd that you ask him where he wants to live when he has no choice.

I would focus on spending quality time with your DS...Focus on getting well.. While having your child can be a motivating factor for change, you need to be well so you can enjoy the time he does have with you.

If I was you I'd work on getting into a better situation for having my son for longer. Perhaps work towards getting a car so the travelling to the school in the morning won't take so long. Perhaps you and DP could find a bigger house within the area you live but slightly closer to your DS. Instead of mourning being without your son, put your energy into working towards more contact. As he gets older, his wishes will be taken into account with any court proceedings so you want to be in a position where the courts will be happy to oblige. Whatever you do, please don't get into a tug of war with your Ex, it will be your son who suffers. Of course you can let him know you miss him when he's not there but its more important he knows you love him and want the best for him which in this case, sounds like being resident at his Dad's until you are stronger.

Sounds to me as though you need to sort yourself out first, if you can't parent alone then you cannot have residency of your son. I am the product of my parents, both of whom whined about 'needing us so much' and used us an emotional crutches, I can assure you that it is no picnic to be the child in that situation.

Its not about what YOU want need, its about what your son needs and deserves. You have to put that first and until you can, make the most of and enjoy the time you have with your son who sounds lovely and well adjusted