To think i could get my ds back?

[Fouristhebestnumber]

Sorry if this is long, I'm going to try not to drip feed. And I'm not a troll (mumsnet scarf, cube of poo, fruit shoots)

I split up with exh 3 years ago. I met someone else. Again, I know that is frowned upon here but I'm not holding back.. my exh was emotionally abusive, I wanted to leave him for years but he would always tell me that no one else would ever take me on with my 'issues' (depression and anxiety) and I believed him then I met someone at work and it was as though I'd known him forever.. exh was hurt and angry of course.. we shared a flat, living there with ds who was then 3.. I tried to stay a while, on the sofa, but exh began to get physical with me - physically throwing me out of the flat, held me up against the wall by my throat, once deliberately shut my fingers in the door... I started to worry for my safety so I left. The only place I had to go was my alcoholic fathers spare room.

I thought I'd take ds with me but exh forcibly stopped me, I left and then later that day a courier brought me an urgent court summons forbidding me to see ds for 10 days due to safeguarding issues.

I became very ill, I developed tinnitus and static vision, both of which I still have. I couldn't afford a solicitor. Exh was given residency and I was given eow, 1 night in the week and 1 afternoon.

Ever since life has been hellish. Ds was enrolled in a school close to exh. I live a few miles away due to not being able to afford to stay close, its an expensive area and I pay exh maintenance for ds.

Every moment he isn't with me I feel incomplete. I miss him so much. Every time I take him back it makes me cry. I need him so much.

I just got made redundant at work too. I'm thinking of taking the money and using it to fight for ds. I asked a solicitor and she said that because ds has been living happily with exh for 3 years and goes to school there that I wouldn't win.. it has to be worth a try though?

You are in a bit of a mess, but you can turn it around.

Does your dp have a court order for contact? If not this should be quite high on the priority list. His ex then can't dictate where he lives.

That said I think you would be doing yourself a huge favour to be alone for a while. In the gentlest possible way it sounds like you need to have someone, anyone, in your life to stop you from being alone. Could you use your redundancy money to rent a small place near your ds and date your dp for a while?

You are prioritising your dp and his DC over your Ds. An hour's bus ride is more than a few miles. Your MH and other health issues have not resolved. Tbh your posts are all about you , not how you can meet Ds needs even if it means putting yourself out. Has your ex got a new partner?

Sorry OP but it sounds like you've made your choices then, you can't have it every way.

You want to stay living with your DP where you are, then you can't have your DS more. You don't want to live closer to DS on your own, so...

I have health issues, I have tinnitus which drives me crazy and other things. I know that ds deserves more. Some days I have to force myself out of bed. I am codependent. I want to be the mum ds deserves. But I'm not. We have a great relationship. We're so happy together. But its so temporary.

When I try and look at things clearly I know that stability and structure and all the things ds has with exh are what he needs. Exh was rough with me but he's never touched ds. They love each other.I am being selfish. I know it. Anyway I have to try and get on with it but thanks to everyone who was kind.

Are you getting help for your MH issues? Are you able to look for work?

I'm sorry OP but what you're saying here it does not sound like you are in the best place to be your son's primary carer, unless your ExH is being abusive towards him he should probably stay where he is.

Concentrate on getting yourself well. Are you getting help? Be strong and work on bring the mum you want to be and then go for more contact with your son.

Your son's happiness is the most important thing here.

Trying not to sound mean. But it's not about you.

Your dp has his kids Eow. He could move with you. The fact is that either to your dp doesn't care that it's killing you to be nearer ds or doesn't care.

You can live without ds. You are doing it now. You could live without dp. But you don't want to.

If you managed to get custody back and dp left you, what would happen? It doesn't sound like you would be OK caring for your son. Would he have to go back to his dads?

It honestly sounds like your son needs to stay where he is, for him. And that's what this is about. Him.

There's absolutely no chance you'll be able to overturn the current residency without serious proven child protection concerns.

You stand a reasonable chance of increasing your contact though, shared care is becoming increasingly common. 1hr bus journey doesn't sound ideal, have you considered getting a car? Might make the school journey realistic and achievable. If there's 50/50 shared care then you wouldn't need to pay maintenance so might make it more financially viable?

If your son is stable and happy with the current arrangements I don't think a court is going to allow any change to the status quo. You would be wasting your money and upsetting yourself to try and change this.

I can only imagine how hard it must be to see so little of your son - concentrate on getting yourself well and being the most loving and supportive mum you can be when you are together. As he gets older he will have more say in how he spends his time and you might get to see more of him then. And don't beat yourself up for being ill.

I think you sound like such a lovely Mum.
For you to say how you know your ds is best staying with his dad and how much they love each other is awesome and takes real courage.
I don't think you are making this all about you, as some have suggested.
I think you are heartbroken that things have turned out the way they have and need to share.
Enjoy your special times with your ds. He will grow up balanced and knowing how loved he is and as he gets older, he will be able to spend more time with you. I'm sure he will appreciate what a great Mum you are and you can share with him at the right time what happened.

If you say you are only happy when you are with your son, and that you are only "complete" with him, you are not well enough to be your son's rp. Sorry. That's just not healthy, and it would place a huge burden on your child.

Also, if your child is well and settled right now, I agree with PPs that it's very unlikely that you will be made the rp. Also, it would be quite selfish - it's not really about you, it's about the wellbeing of your son.

But, as PPs have also said, you can push for increased custody. But you need to get better to do that. Focus on getting therapy, and possibly another job.

Based on what you have posted here I agree with your solicitor. You may be able to get more contact but there is no realistic chance of getting residence. Instead of trying to get everything you want and upsetting yourself, try for something you might achieve. Look, for example, at what you would need to do in order to get an additional night per week. You don't mention holidays. If you don't have your son for a full week during the summer holidays it might be worth trying for that. Your solicitor is best placed to advise you. Talk to your solicitor about what you might realistically be able to achieve and how to go about getting it.

Wow, I can never understand people that put new relationships before their own children. To be honest it makes me very angry! Well done for getting away from abusive xh but you should have took your son with you there and then.

The sad truth is that I do need dp to help me with ds. I struggle alone. I didn't use to but since my health declined I have panic attacks when I'm alone.

Thankfully my ds is unaware of any of this. When he was 3 he used to cling to me and scream when it was time to go back to his dad's but it's just life to him now. He tells me I'm the best mummy in the world. Ha! I made an appt at the Dr.

Your kind comments are making me cry. Thank you so much.

Charlotte I promise you it wasn't that easy. I had no where to go. Exh told ss I was living with an alcoholic. They said he couldn't be with me at my dads. It was horrendous.

Wow, I can never understand people that put new relationships before their own children. To be honest it makes me very angry! Well done for getting away from abusive xh but you should have took your son with you there and then.

If only it was always that black and white, eh?

I would focus on really making the most of your time with your son. With the every other weekend, can you have him from Friday to Monday morning? How about holidays? Can you have him more then? Could you have him extra weekends sometimes when you ex is busy, he might enjoy having a bit more free time?

It must be really hard for you but if your son is happy I would work getting more time with him rather than uprooting him from his school etc.

personally I would go for 50:50 and increased acess OP

However, I would prioritise getting and job and getting as emotionally stable as you can be first. Your DS is happy and settled at his school and it would be unkind to move him. I think you have to put your understandable emotional upset second

my heart goes out to you, and my honest advice is to get a job, get anxiety addressed, and try to accept the situation as is for nowe and make a lomnger term plan for more acess

I am sure he does love you. The issue is that you can't parent him alone.

If something happened to your dp or you split. You wouldn't be able to parent ds on your own.

You say you are only happy with ds but can't live without dp. You need to make a choice. But even if you did move and dp won't go with you, you can't have your ds.

Why won't your dp even move closer if he knows how important this is too you?

50:50 isn't going to work if she lives an hour away from his school and I don't think it's particularly fair to make a child travel 2 hours a day. That 4 hours for the op.

It doesn't sound like 50/50 would work. What's done is done. You say your son loves his school, is doing great living with your ExH... going to court won't give you the desired results. And even if it did, it doesn't sound like your son living with you would be ideal.

However, you sound like a lovely person. I think you need to do your best to get happier, to love yourself, maybe advance professionally and be the best mother you can be when your son is with you (it sounds like you already are, but you know, there are many things you can do to make him feel treasured and his stay extra special).

And maybe when you're in a better place you could move closer. And 50/50 or 40/60 or some other arrangement could be possible.

Good luck and take care. Xx

OP, your DS is happy and settled, I'm assuming your ex-h provides good care for him? He's doing well at school? If so, this will solidify the decision for him to remain with your ex-h.

You have a spare room but it's shared between 4 DC at times, is that right? If so, you don't have space to care for him full time anyway - this again suppprts the decision to stay where he is.

You walked away from your DC, irrespective of the reasons this will not help your case. You said your ex-h was abusive and yet you left DS there!?!

Three years is half of his life now OP - he likely won't even remember you being a FT mother in his life.

You have to prioritise his emotional wellbeing above your own.

Why didn't you report you x for abuse? That niggles me more then anything here. I know how much it takes for a father to get his children in full time custody and even one report of DA would have hampered him from getting your son like this. As it is, you have a very tough time getting him back and reporting to the police now, unless you have dated pictures showing marks and proof of abuse would be a case of word against word and you would be challenged on your MH issues along the way. Sometimes the best thing for your child isn't what you want. If you son is safe and happy living full time with his father then you can try but it will be hell for all involved and ultimately your son will be the victim in this. It would be better to opt for increased visitations and voicing that you and your son need more time together.

Bear in mind o/p too that he is still very young.

How old are your Dp's children?

There comes a stage when they are old enough to make their own decisions.

DP was in your situation when I met him. Once the kids got to secondary age and were able to get themselves to our house or ask to visit then things changed from formal access to them visiting whenever they feel like it. DSc 1 only really sleeps ant mums for school, and spends weekends and holidays with us.

Same with your DP's kids, once they are old enough their mum will have less say. So you may be able to move closer then.

In the meantime get yourself healthy so you can be a good mum.