To be this upset by a parents attitude?

[MrsJen3]

I probably need to toughen up and get used to this but it has upset me enough to make me cry when telling someone about it this morning😶
At nursery pick up yesterday my GS age 2.5 (been with us since he was 5 months old, I'm his grandma & foster carer) snatched the dummy from another childs mouth and threw it across the room. I immediately told him "that's not nice" and he said "sowwy" to the child without being asked. I picked the dummy up and handed it to the child's mum who took the dummy but ignored my apology, she just ignored me full stop. GS then began to play up as he knew he had done wrong and had been told off and he doesn't cope with either of those things well (it is highly likely he has FAS and his behaviour can be challenging) and this parent just watched us looking down her nose at me and GS.
If I had been this other parents I just know I would have reacted with much more kindness and understanding but I guess everyone is different. Do you look down on people with challenging children? Is this something I'll just have to get used to if my GS doesn't have behavioural problems because of FAS? Am I going to have to explain to every parent that actually it's not his fault or mine that his behaviour is difficult?

You sound lovely!

I would say forget about it and I think you're taking it too seriously tbh.

Last week I was on my way to nursery when they called and said my son had a very high temperature and breathing was fast. I rushed to nursery and found him sat on a mat all hot and miserable trying to play with a spoon when another boy came over grabbed the spoon and bonked him on the head with it

Now generally like most people I couldn't care less about a bit of hitting at nursery but the mother (it was pick up Time) and nursery nurse swept in apologising, scolding him and so on exactly as you describe. However I couldn't care less, my baby was poorly so I brushed them aside picked him up and took him to the person who knew about his condition. On reflection they probably thought I was being stroppy but it barely even crossed my radar, I was worried about someone else

You may find the mother just had other things on her mind. Don't worry

Anyone can be a mum, including a total bitch. Maybe she is nice and having a bad day, maybe she's a cow. Who knows. I'm sorry she upset you but try not to take it personally.

I wouldn't judge this other parent on this one occasion but yes there are some unpleasant people out there. Most people are in my experience though reasonable and I know/ have met quite a few who are lovely towards my child.

How did the child whose dummy got snatched react? Was she busy dealing with them?

Thank you everyone for your responses, like I said in my first post I guess I know I'm being unreasonable but I can't help how I feel.
Potatoooo I honestly didn't expect the other parents to know my GS may have problems.

I think sugarpiehoneyeye has hit the nail on the head.

Jen if your GS does have FAS then you are going to have to toughen up. It's awful that children with disabilities (especially invisible disabilities) are judged harshly when their behaviour is less than perfect. Ds and dd have autism and ds's challenging behaviour brought a whole raft of criticism and judgement of him and me as a mother with it.
At first it cut deeply but that wasn't any good for ds or me and so I pulled on my big girl pants and got hardened to it. I even fought back because at the end of the day these are adults who should have some modicum of empathy and understanding for a child with a disability and so I told them this loudly and you know what? they scuttled away with red faces because suddenly the onlookers were judging them.
Practise your "not bothered" look or your hardest stare and when you've got that sorted have a few responses ready should you feel brave enough. I think my standard one was "the reason for his behaviour is he has a disability......what's your excuse?" Be brave you can do it

The only people that matter in this are you and DG. I have a son with ASD, and I used to feel very self-conscious when he had tantrums in public. One day, we were in a park together and it happened. I was very aware of other people watching and muttering, and in that moment, I decided never to Give An Actual Fuck again. In those moments, it's just me and my boy and the rest of the world can disappear.

He's so lucky to have you. I only know a little about FAS, but I know children with it can have some similar traits to those with ASD, so it can be very difficult. Never let another parent's attitude get you down - you are doing your absolute best for this little guy, who sounds as though he has had a difficult start in life. Bless you

Next time you see this woman, go over to her, with a smile of course, and explain, that he has FAS, hopefully she will be amongst other parents, when you do.

No, please don't do that. He doesn't have a diagnosis of FAS, so please don't pretend he does.

I'm not sure what you wanted her to do... Tell you she doesn't mind with a big smile on her face?

Many children cry and are upset when you leave them at nursery... They don't want to go in. As parents, we feel guilty. We tell ourselves it's good for them, it helps them socialise, etc.

I too would find it hard seeing another child be unkind to mine and another toddler snatching something from my child's mouth so quickly no one stopped it? That is pretty aggressive and I think I would have been a bit shaken, because it looks the same as when a toddler is about to by another toddler doesn't it?

If it was me, I would be berating myself for not reacting quick enough to stop the snatching and wondering if this goes on a lot during the day, feeling guilty. I wouldn't be thinking about your child at all, sorry.

About to hit another

BestZebbie the child didn't react she just stood there, mum didn't even look to see if she was ok as she was too busy raising her eyebrows at my GS slapping his face pulling his hair and banging his head off the floor.

His own face/hair/head?

I think you are really projecting here and setting yourself up for future assumptions about the way people are going to treat you. What did you want her to say, maybe she was irritated and just didn't want to engage further.

I find people who get annoyed/have no patience in this sort of situation have very little understanding of child development.

The sort that put normal/typical 2 year old behaviour down to 'bad behaviour/bad parenting'.

Undesirable behaviour is not the same as bad behaviour. In order to learn not to do something young children often have to do it first!

Transitions are difficult when you have a child with SEND. We can live in our own worlds where our child is doing just fine, then they start nursery, school, swimming class or whatever and we see that perhaps they are not doing 'fine'.

Everything he did was perfectly normal for his age, apart from saying sorry, which was wonderful. No mother of another toddler is in a position to judge, IMHO.

I think you are probably just finding it stressful to think that your dgs has that syndrome. When will you get a definitive diagnosis?

My niece (now 12) has been with me for a few years after suffering a great deal with grief and other abandonment and social issues, she has a lot of abnormal behaviours that are simply coping mechanisms that she has adopted. I've had horrible parents tell me she is 'rude', 'antisocial', 'lagging behind' and all sorts, when in reality she's doing everything she can - and so am I.

It's tough when people don't see the whole picture and just see difficult children. Especially when they judge you for it. I've cried many a time over the lack of empathy people show.

for you, OP, and I hope things get easier for you an for GS.

Then she's a stupid woman. Just ignore her. Your gs is a little child and sadly she hasn't learnt how precious everyone's children are.

Grow that rhino hide OP. I apologise if necessary (I don't if not), am grateful when we receive kindness and ignore the lemon suckers. if people stare for too long I ask them not to.

Tbh I barely notice other people's reactions now (my son is nearly an adult - if people can't cope with a learning disabled adult that's their problem).

Your GS did nothing wrong. He's just a toddler learning where the boundaries are and the apology is actually pretty impressive for that age. If I was the other mum I would have smiled and reassured you. We've all felt the white got shame of seeing our kid act out with an audience and she could have scraped up some empathy even without knowing about possible SEN.

That said there is definitely more of this to come so you might want to explore a bit why you were so upset. Is it because it tapped into some unexpressed fears about your GS future. That would be totally understandable. It sounds like you're doing a great (and important) job.

Sorry OP, some people seem to be in a world of their own but not responding or making eye contact is a bit odd. I would only judge if the parent doesn't correct naughty behaviour, I wouldn't appreciate that at all. I would not judge a parent with a child who is being tricky I know all too well what that is like and it can be hellish The mother you describe sounds self-absorbed.

How lovely of you to care for your GS

Trifleorbust - yes his.own face/hair/head

I think you may be reading to much in to this, you corrected him and he said sorry, but then stropped a bit. Most carers of kids would do what you did and its so common that there probably wasn't much else to say or do. As for looking down her nose it you, may be she wasnt judging you may be she was just watching you and what was going on, kids working themselves do attract attention and folk do look. When your dealing with a monumental strop it does make you feel a bit crap, but that doesnt mean others are thinking that at all. There is probably more empathy there than you think it just wasnt shown.

She was probably just shocked when he started hurting himself, OP, rather than disapproving. I think it would be fairly obvious to most people that a child doing that was in a distressed state. I'm sure she didn't mean to look down on you.

Huge hugs OP. He is a lucky lad to have you. You can't control how people feel about your GS, only your own behaviour - which, you did everything right - and emotions. Toughen up is way too harsh a phrase. You just need to go easy on yourself. Of course it bothers you you can't protect him from people like that and their criticism, but if you are doing all you can do, you just have to let their problems with you be their problems. Good on your GS for apologising.