To find it difficult to get over this situation with my in laws?

[SparkleSausage]

Ok long story but I need to give background to work out if I ABU...
DH & I relocated to be nearer his parents who are getting on a bit. DH is an only child. We bought a house 20 mins from them but then DH and FIL (DH stepfather) had a huge falling out over the house renovation. FIL took over control of things without us asking him to (booking tradesmen without our consent etc) we then asked him to back off a bit and let us make our own decisions, he ended up costing us quite a lot of time & money we didn't have. All very messy. MIL completely sided with FIL and was very spiteful to DH, who had to take three months off work to step in and finish our house on his own with no help & v little money, which he did an amazing job of. At the time we were staying at their house while ours was being done and they made it incredibly difficult - we had to be out at sunrise and come back when they were in bed, we had our meals sitting on the floor in a freezing cold half built house, I had to work from home there etc etc. It was hell. FIL barely spoke to us and has refused to come to our house ever since.

As this was all happening, I found out I was pregnant and we now have a 5 month old DD. We moved into rented while I was pregnant. House now finished & DH works away a lot in a job he loves - average 3 nights a week since DD was 8 weeks old. I've been lucky & found an amazing group of friends in this new area who have been fantastic support and stopped me going insane! MIL visits once every few weeks now but does NOTHING to help me out. I've tried visiting theirs with DD but all v awkward. She phones occasionally when DH is away but I often end up missing it and don't speak to her very much.

I know DH would like to build a better relationship with them, especially for our DD. I am struggling as: 1) I can't forgive what a terrible situation they left us in
2) Their behaviour was quite frankly insane (screaming name calling, manipulation, guilt put on to DH for things that have happened in their lives, telling DH he wasn't really wanted as a child - I could go on & on...) and
3) I've had NO support from MIL with our DD, she doesn't do a thing when she comes over (my own mum died many years ago and most of my family live overseas so I have no family support network) and we have quite different viewpoints on bringing up a baby so we clash quite a bit.

My question is this - how do I get over all these things and try to move on for the sake of DH? AIBU to want to just tell them to F off?! It's now starting to cause a rift between me & DH as its obvious to him how I feel.

Fuck 'em.

Does your DH work abroad whilst he is away? If I was you I would consider moving closer to his work and hopefully he wouldn't have to be away from you so much.

I'm on my own with my ds for months at a time.... my DM comes round but I don't expect her to do my housework! I'd rather she spent a bit of time with ds so I can do bits around the house. It's hard going I know I think you're expecting a bit much. Although they sound like arseholes in general so I'd go NC. But then I don't have much patience.

My pils have done Diy badly without asking before. Livid.

I'd just let your DH sort it out. He can go and visit for a few hours at the weekend with your DD (and you can have a break) or she can visit you when he's here at the weekend. They're his parents.

Incidentally, we have to watch my MIL like a hawk in case she does try and "help"....we've had ovens with cooking turkeys turned off, sheets dyed red (twice), terrines turned into mush, smashed tiles, completely re-arranged kitchen cupboards where nothing now fits in properly, kids clothes "sorted out" when I'd only done them 1 week previously and she basically undid my sorting........I'd think yourself grateful she doesn't help.

I don't really understand why you would expect her to visit her grandchild but do stuff around the house

this makes me feel really sad, a grandparent with an only child, her son works away and her dil whose mother has passed away etc and you dont think her mil could offer to help in anyway at all?

This make me feel so sad. This is such a long way isn't it - from that village of help new mums had.

Op I feel for you so much, but I don't understand why you moved nearer to them in the first place and after they way they treated you during house renovations...well, you need to lower expectations.

You have a few choices of course and you need to work out what you want, are you desperate for help with the baby? If so - you need to give your relations with her a shot, you need to forget the past and literally - call her up have her round, hand her the baby, make her feel comfortable to help.

Or you need to lower your expectations and get by without that extra help and expect nothing. Are you going back to work etc, because toddlers are hard work.

SW1A1AA Thu 17-Nov-16 11:38:36

^^ good point.

It's a really hard one... Neither me or even DH really realised the extent of their irrational nastiness when we moved. So I've had to support him through a pretty horrible time too. We also moved because it's a lovely area for children to grow up and we have accessed a fab community of friends here. On the whole it's great, thankfully!
To note - DH is absolutely wonderful and couldn't do enough when he is here, and certainly isn't expecting me to broker the relationship with them.

DH can be anywhere in Europe so not feasible to move nearer his work.
I am going back to work 3 days when DD is one- 2 days at home and 1 in the office. I've had to take a lower paid and lower level job to do this (despite having a pretty good career) because my old job also used to involve travel and I cant do that if no one is there to pick up/look after DD. But that's ok, I knew that when we had her and I'm not looking for sympathy!

There's no real 'other side' to the story to the poster who said that. We were courteous and didn't rise to the nastiness. When DD was born, we let them visit the hospital a few hours afterwards even though I was in a terrible state and we took her round to theirs to visit a few times in the first few weeks even though I was quite poorly, as they wouldn't come to ours. But now things have settled the visits have dropped off & I'm without much support in a new place... having a baby is new to me (as it is to everyone... I know!) as I never had family or friends with newborns. I literally knew NOTHING and as you all know it's bloody hard work, especially without my mum around who I was very close to. So a little solidarity from the MIL wouldn't go amiss. I guess that's all I mean. Maybe not tidying our house, but I'd love a quick bath by myself now and again!

I think you guys are right in terms of having little to do with them though at the moment. I shouldn't expect anything given the history - I'll try to get over that and crack on as best I can.

Off to build my little castle with our family of 3

for you OP, parenthood is a slog some most days, especially doing it on your own if your husband is off in far-flung places half the time. I'd happily come and hold the baby for you to have a bath if I could.

"I know DH would like to build a better relationship with them, especially for our DD. I am struggling as:
1) I can't forgive what a terrible situation they left us in
2) Their behaviour was quite frankly insane (screaming name calling, manipulation, guilt put on to DH for things that have happened in their lives, telling DH he wasn't really wanted as a child - I could go on & on...) "^

The root of your problem is that your DH wants a relationship with them. But given 2) above that's not healthy for him. I mean FFS, what sort of person tells their child that they ween't wanted ! That he still wants a relationship with them beyond turning up at their funeral to dance on their grave suggests that he is in FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. If you google on that you'll find lots of info, some of which may jolt you with its familiarity.

Have as little contact with these people as you can. Encourage your husband to explore why he wants a relationship with them. And 'for DD' is not a reason. They treat him like shit, why would they not do the same to her? Sometimes, you have to protect your children from the people who should love them. This may well be one of those times .

I think the best outcome would be for your husband to not want the horrible relationship he has with his mother/stepfather. (And since nothing else is likely to be on offer, to have no relationship with them at all.) That may require counselling, or at least some honest introspection.

They sound bonkers. Personally I would just be civil. Let mil come round and visit and that's it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with visitors helping out. It works for some families. I just find the expectation that visitors will pop in some washing, is a bit much. Not everyone is like that.

Tbh given the threads here I would imagine most mils wouldn't be thanked if they walked in an did house work.

Sorry I should have also said that I wouldn't be trying to arrange visits or anything about being civil.

I would leave it to your partner to try to improve the relationship as it's his family and he should appreciate you following his lead.

I would never expect visitors (including family!) to load a dishwasher etc just because I have a baby. You've mentioned the reason for the move was that his parents were getting older so to play devil's advocate perhaps they expected you two to help them out? Not saying you should but that could be their expectations.

The relationship sounds very broken down and perhaps could be fixed but if so you need to change expectations of what you expect from them. You do deserve them to reciprocate respect but not housework/baby sitting

In my daughters in law and daughter's homes:
Touch the dishwasher.Would not dare.
Wash dishes 'badly'.No way
Open the fridge without permission.How rude.
Nose about in any cupboards,including bathroom cabinets.Never.
Weeding here and there.Surreptitiously sometimes.
Playing and reading and singing with children.Yes,but not within earshot,(the annoying, silly little voice)
Taking a cake.ALWAYS!
OP,they do not know what they are allowed to do ,so as not to offend.

PS.revised:Do not take an impostor cake on birthdays!

They told you you had to be out of their house from sunrise until bedtime, while you were living with them?!

gotthemoon

If it is your DH who wants the contact with them and not you, what sort of contact does he want? What is he doing to make it happen?