To find it difficult to get over this situation with my in laws?

[SparkleSausage]

Ok long story but I need to give background to work out if I ABU...
DH & I relocated to be nearer his parents who are getting on a bit. DH is an only child. We bought a house 20 mins from them but then DH and FIL (DH stepfather) had a huge falling out over the house renovation. FIL took over control of things without us asking him to (booking tradesmen without our consent etc) we then asked him to back off a bit and let us make our own decisions, he ended up costing us quite a lot of time & money we didn't have. All very messy. MIL completely sided with FIL and was very spiteful to DH, who had to take three months off work to step in and finish our house on his own with no help & v little money, which he did an amazing job of. At the time we were staying at their house while ours was being done and they made it incredibly difficult - we had to be out at sunrise and come back when they were in bed, we had our meals sitting on the floor in a freezing cold half built house, I had to work from home there etc etc. It was hell. FIL barely spoke to us and has refused to come to our house ever since.

As this was all happening, I found out I was pregnant and we now have a 5 month old DD. We moved into rented while I was pregnant. House now finished & DH works away a lot in a job he loves - average 3 nights a week since DD was 8 weeks old. I've been lucky & found an amazing group of friends in this new area who have been fantastic support and stopped me going insane! MIL visits once every few weeks now but does NOTHING to help me out. I've tried visiting theirs with DD but all v awkward. She phones occasionally when DH is away but I often end up missing it and don't speak to her very much.

I know DH would like to build a better relationship with them, especially for our DD. I am struggling as: 1) I can't forgive what a terrible situation they left us in
2) Their behaviour was quite frankly insane (screaming name calling, manipulation, guilt put on to DH for things that have happened in their lives, telling DH he wasn't really wanted as a child - I could go on & on...) and
3) I've had NO support from MIL with our DD, she doesn't do a thing when she comes over (my own mum died many years ago and most of my family live overseas so I have no family support network) and we have quite different viewpoints on bringing up a baby so we clash quite a bit.

My question is this - how do I get over all these things and try to move on for the sake of DH? AIBU to want to just tell them to F off?! It's now starting to cause a rift between me & DH as its obvious to him how I feel.

I think you need to get rid of point 3, not getting help of a grandparent is normal to me.

My mum loves all her GC but won't help me either when i have a DC. In her view she done her time running around after children. She doesn't baby sit for my nieces and nephews but she does spend time playing with them regularly. Unless there was an emergency, she wouldn't 'help' with them! I've grown up with this as being normal, but then, my grandparents either side never 'helped' with grandchildren either, I was never babysat by my GP's or anything.

when things go wrong or there are disagreements in a family you need to be able to resolve them respectfully. There has to be boundaries of how people will behave towards each other. That didn't happen in your case as they treated you appallingly and it will be hard to ever get past that.

If something goes wrong in future what's to say they won't get vindictive again?

"I know DH would like to build a better relationship with them, especially for our DD. "

Why?

So that they can treat her like shit as well as him?

I thought you said they were getting on a bit and that's why you moved there. Presumably they are too old to be helping out and plus would you trust them?

What does you husband expect you to do re: parents? Maybe he should model it for you? Personally with the inlaws I would keep an emotional distance so you dont get hurt and keep talk to general stuff.

My mum helps me but I wouldn't want my MIL to, I don't know why, different relationship I guess. I'm more than happy for her to visit and play with the baby though.

Tbh it sounds like a massive breakdown in communication. But I strongly believe life is too short to hold grudges. I would speak to MIL but make it clear you are not having a go just want to move forward.
With respect to help, when baby was really young i.e. Less than 6 weeks I would expect that sort of help. At this age it's up to them especially as you say they are getting on a bit. If relationship improves you could ask nicely if she could bring dinner over once a week or if you could go over once a week for dinner. You could also invite them over for dinner occasionally. Bare in mind you are most likely going to live near them for a long time and might need the occasional babysitting favor from them. Men are different to women that's why it's easier for your DH to move on and I'm sure FIL has moved on as well. Good luck and I hope you get things sorted.

I think the not pitching in when she comes round (and I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting a bit of help when you have such a small baby FWIW) is the least of your worries. They sound vile! FIL was way out of line trying to take over your build, but they said some really fucking awful things to your poor DH that must have been deeply wounding and can't ever be unsaid. I'm not sure I'd be facilitating a relationship with twats like that tbh.

When they kicked you out at sunrise and wouldn't let you in til bedtime, you must have known that they were not the types to help you out in anyway?

Thanks. I guess being alone a lot with a little baby I just expect family to help out? Make some tea, bring some food, empty the dishwasher, put the washing on etc.... Is that not normal

I think you really need to move away form this mindset... I live in an area with a very high military population so therefore lots of Mums on their own...and everyone manages.

I imagine its nice if you have that kind of relationship but you should not expect it in this day and age

I don't understand why they even agreed for you to stay as they obviously didn't want you there, so I don't understand why you didn't move out as soon as that was apparant.

Did they even want you to move closer?

It's the screaming, name calling & saying that husband wasn't wanted that would really make me wonder if the relationship was worth keeping up.

So they offered you a place to live whilst your house was being renovated, then basically refused to let you actually live there, with all that 'out at sunrise, back when they're in bed' crap?!

They sound an absolute nightmare, but it is not your job to 'rebuild' any relationship. That is up to your husband to do. I would get yourself a copy of 'Toxic Inlaws' by Susan Forward. Your husband may well be stuck in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) cycle, but I would not be wanting a relationship with these people. Your daughter does not need a relationship with these people.

Have to agree with the other posters. They have not behaved well at all, if your husband wants to build bridges that's fair enough, but I'd keep them at arms length for a while.

The 'expectations' you have of your MIL are totally unreasonable though. In the very early days (see first two weeks), a helping hand could be appreciated but certainly not expected. After that, no one except the parents should be expected to cook/clean/make tea in the family home. You just have to manage! It's hard, I know. We have no family close by and some days my house looks like a hurricane hit it - I'd love someone to look after my child whilst I had a good blitz, but there we go. I've stopped wearing my glasses, half the 'jobs' that need doing have disappeared...

Thank you all some good much-needed perspective here - as I'd hoped!

I would never forgive them for the way they treated you, I'd have nothing to do with them.
Your DH can contact them if he wants but I wouldn't make any effort myself.
They don't enhance your life in any way, so why would you want them in it.

They told your DH he wasn't wanted?!

Keep these poisonous buggers away from your daughter - who knows what destructive rubbish they will fling at her one day if she upsets them.

Re: help - I wouldn't expect the washing out on or anything, but a cup of tea wouldn't come amiss. She presumably knows where your kettle is.

We had very similar re renovations and taking it on themselves to 'help'. We got over it. It's a stressful time for everyone.
I would never expect them to help me with my children. I'd just be happy to see an adult.

I just expect family to help out? Make some tea, bring some food, empty the dishwasher, put the washing on etc.... Is that not normal?

I wouldn't expect that from family tbh - especially MIL! She's visiting you to see you and GD, isn't she?

I'm not surprised you can't get past their behaviour. They have behaved appalling and haven't apologised. Why the heck would you want to see them? And why does dh want them to see your dd? So they can behave the same way with her? No thank you! His FIL especially sounds like a right piece of work.

I'd keep your distance. Don't hinder dh from seeing them but certainly don't make any effort yourself. Can you talk honestly to them about it, or would that be pointless?

Your dh does not have the right to persuade you to try to change your feeliongs about his parents, either - you can feel however you want to. perhaps he'd benefit from counselling to deal with his toxic family?

So to be clear, FIL booked tradespeople to work on the house and expected you to foot the bill? That's beyond weird. And controlling. Then when you didn't like it and dh complained, they turned on you. I'm not surprised you're struggling to get past this.

I'd pull away from them and see what happens. Reduce the phone calls, cut the visits. When you go quieter on people, they tend to start doing more of the running around if they want to have any kind of relationship with you. Backing away will allow you to gain perspective. Right now they don't respect you as adults. So distancing yourselves may help to change this.

And no, it's not the waltons for a lot of us. I've no family locally either. FIL lives abroad and expects to be waited on if we visit him or if he visits us. MIL deceased. My mother is helpful but spiteful so I don't see much of her. Father deceased. Her husband (so grandpa to dd) is completely immobile and in a care home. So not fab for us either.

I meant to say, I wouldn't have it out with them. You already tried that and ended up being all but thrown out of their house. It'll make things worse. They'll deny deny deny and blame the two of you.

The odd expectations on housework make me want to hear the other side of this story.

They sound awful OP, I don't blame you for finding it difficult to move past expecting you to be gone by the crack of dawn, telling DH he wasn't wanted etc. Regardless of that they are still your DH's family so it's going to be difficult for him to see your obvious dislike of them.

I wouldn't make much of an effort tbh but just try to keep it to yourself i.e. don't complain to your DH about them. Keep a distance, if MIL wants to visit occasionally that's fine but beyond that it sounds like less involvement = less drama.

I know what you mean about helping out when there's a young baby involved, I do think that's the way supportive families would behave but YANBU to expect it as such (especially from people like that).

Sorry, meant to say YABU to expect it

Why oh why did you move near them?

If you moved there because they are 'getting on' , is there some sort of expectation that you will be helping them when they become infirm and is this their expectation or your DH? Given their lack of support, I hope they don't think you will be looking after them and certainly you need to point out to your DH that with his job meaning he is away a lot that he absolutely cannot expect you to do anything at all - his parents so his responsibility. I know some people share the responsibility but in tthose cases the parents have been helpful and not said hurtful things about not wanting their only child !!

you know - our mum died many years ago - and I look at MIL and think - why can't you be kind like my mum was - don't make yourself ill worrying about this - go round - say all these things - build a bridge - then if they don't take that bridge - get over it - you are a kingdom of three - you - your husband and you baby - I have found family in friends - and when I got cancer last year - they were there for me - when you speak to her don't use harsh words - say - look, you are family...I really need you - lets start again and build this relationship up without bitterness because I have a little grandchild that wants to have the best of her grandparents - lets start again.... and if they don't respond - just let it go and chant - I am equal to the task - also from her point of view that gang (the grandparents) think they own the world and know it all!!! (look what they did with the Brexit stuff...I blame the grandparents of this world!!!!) - under your breath chant I am better than this - because your world and the one you live in emotionally is the one your kid will pick up on - believe me ....I have backed off from my lovely dad for a bit for this reason - too negative ....not helpful ....trust me ...I am down the line a bit with this ...also get some sleep - nothing looks doable without a decent nights sleep babe xxx