DH thinks IABU for saying I won't apologise to next door

[Tarla]

DS had a meltdown yesterday afternoon shortly after dinner. I know exactly what triggered it and was able to calm him down fairly quickly so it was loud while it lasted but was over within fifteen minutes.

At the time it happened, next door were doing DIY, lots of drilling and hammering. It's not an issue, it was only 5pm. The noise from the DIY wasn't the trigger for the meltdown, the DIY couldn't be heard from the area of the house DS was in but he did move to the other side of the house during it, to the side that has the shared wall.

DH has been on at me today saying that I need to knock on next door and apologise for the noise from DS having a meltdown, he's told me to get them a box of biscuits or something. I've said I'm not knocking or going out of my way to bring gifts but if I see them in passing I'll mention that I hope DS didn't bother them. They know DS is being assessed for ASD and that he sometimes has meltdowns. I've knocked in the past if he's had one in the small hours (he had a 3am corker not long after we moved in) but it's rare he has them at that time of day and when we've spoken to them they've been fine, said they know he isn't doing it on purpose and that we're doing our best. Last night was 5pm, short lived and they were doing DIY anyway so already lots of banging and crashing, I really don't think DS disturbed them. I also don't think I should apologise every single time he has a meltdown, only for exceptional ones like the 3am one.

Which of us is BU?

Oh giddy Aunt...I'd need cases of biscuits and crates of wine . In fact, I need to knock the neighbours' doors to tell them my children are still alive if they haven't had a melt down for a period of time.

It's very sweet of your DH to be concerned but he needs to get over that one - a thick skin is essential in the world of SN.

tell him to buy the biscuits
take them next door and eat them with them
no apology needed but so many biscuits

5am he might have a point. 5pm. I wouldn't worry about it.

If I were the neighbour, I'd think you were being passive aggressive about the noise from the DIY tbh

OP - for your DH..........

Yanbu. He is. If we all apologised every time a child had a meltdown every one would be knocking on each others doors multiple times daily and there would t be enough biscuits left in the shops. Kids have tabtrums. And if you live in demi detached etc housing you have to accept that. Unless it went on for hours i wouldnt say anything unless we were passing ways. Kids have meltdowns. Asd or not. Dont worry x

Please may I have the biscuits especially if they are Foxes

Honestly - our next door neighbour's son has ASD, which they made us aware of when we moved in, and we would never expect them to pop round with a gift every time he had a meltdown, really - it just wouldn't be necessary! Please don't worry about it!

PS We definitely aren't your neighbours though - we're useless at DIY!

He doesn't need to buy biscuits whatever time. My adult sized, severely autistic son had a meltdown at 2am in the street. It was a complete nightmare as we could not get him inside. The next day a neighbour who lives at the other end of the street saw me & said 'I could hear him, but couldn't see him' then asked me whether I was okay. She said she sat up for a bit after it had gone quiet to make sure things were okay. So get sleep was really disturbed (along with presumably the entire street as there are a lot of houses between us & her). She would have thought I was mad buying her biscuits - (we'd have had to buy them for 40 + households) and like any normal person was concerned about us/him - not biscuits.

Bloody hell my I wouldn't even apologise if my NT children had a tantrum at five o clock in the afternoon

I never apologise for DS's monumental tantrums, but that's because our upstairs neighbour's DD has ASD and often runs across the ceiling at 10pm. I don't complain about that either.