DH thinks IABU for saying I won't apologise to next door

[Tarla]

DS had a meltdown yesterday afternoon shortly after dinner. I know exactly what triggered it and was able to calm him down fairly quickly so it was loud while it lasted but was over within fifteen minutes.

At the time it happened, next door were doing DIY, lots of drilling and hammering. It's not an issue, it was only 5pm. The noise from the DIY wasn't the trigger for the meltdown, the DIY couldn't be heard from the area of the house DS was in but he did move to the other side of the house during it, to the side that has the shared wall.

DH has been on at me today saying that I need to knock on next door and apologise for the noise from DS having a meltdown, he's told me to get them a box of biscuits or something. I've said I'm not knocking or going out of my way to bring gifts but if I see them in passing I'll mention that I hope DS didn't bother them. They know DS is being assessed for ASD and that he sometimes has meltdowns. I've knocked in the past if he's had one in the small hours (he had a 3am corker not long after we moved in) but it's rare he has them at that time of day and when we've spoken to them they've been fine, said they know he isn't doing it on purpose and that we're doing our best. Last night was 5pm, short lived and they were doing DIY anyway so already lots of banging and crashing, I really don't think DS disturbed them. I also don't think I should apologise every single time he has a meltdown, only for exceptional ones like the 3am one.

Which of us is BU?

Your DH is being ridiculous, they don't need an apology never mind biscuits.

Your DH is being ridiculous and as parent of a child being assessed for ASD needs to grow a pair and stop worrying what people think!

He is BU. Absolutely no need to apologise at all. And if you start doing it you will set a precedent that would be tiresome for everyone.

You might as well ask why your neighbours didn't bring you some biscuits because of their noise.

If he's struggling to cope with a meltdown at home, and worrying what the neighbours will think, how on earth will he cope when he's out and about with DS? Or will that be your job?

There is nothing to apologise for! But I wonder at your DH's attitude, for thinking that there is - is he embarrassed by your DS or something? How dreadful :(

Your husband is being REALLY odd.

Your H is being weird.

Our next door neighbours (semi, thin walls) have a child who has meltdowns, and screams, and that's just life, if they felt they had to apologise every time with biscuits, I'd find it weird.

A lot of people don't mind a bit of noise from the neighbours, if they did they should live far away from everyone...

Is your DH struggling with the potential ASD diagnosis OP? Does he think DS just needs to be better behaved?

I'm only asking as my XDP firmly believes our DS ASD can be disciplined out of him and would probably react in the same way.

Your DH is being ridiculous

DH is being utterly ridiculous. Did the neighbours come and apologise for their DIY noise? No.
So why do you need to apologise for DS' minor melt down which happened during their DIY activities and they probably never heard him anyway?

Even more important - why do you need to apologise, and buy biscuits for the neighbours (even more ridiculous FFS!) and not DH?

DH should apologise to you for being such a twat.

Oh and DH should buy you biscuits for having to put up with his unreasonable behaviour.

Rhoda Yes, mine too. Despite having the official diagnosis, he still refuses to believe it.

They already know the circumstances of your situation regarding your Ds. No apologies needed.
I do however think your husband needs help coping as and seems to be going overboard with the embarrassment? I def wouldn't be buying biscuits?? Try ear plugs for a laugh.
Did they come over to apologise for their noise? I bet they didn't.
Children whether suffering from something or not are in general noisy.
In fact give your husband the ear plugs....

YANBU.

Don't think I'd ever apologise for my DD having a meltdown unless it was like 1am or they came to my door and complained.

Kids will be kids!

Seriously your Dh needs to take a chill pill, if I kept taking sorry for the noise gifts to my neighbour because of my Ds meltdowns (who has asd), I'd be constantly in the biscuit aisle in Tesco.😀

If your DH wants something done like that and is insistent, then he needs to do it, not you.
My DH has asked me to do things like that in the past and my answer is now always "Do it yourself, if its that important to you".

Theres no reason for you to do anything you are not comfortable with.
My DH asked me before to send a text to a group of people about something. I was really uncomfortable doing it as I felt it was not something I would offer generally. I did it anyway but felt really uncomfortable and cringed when people replied. I really shouldn't have done it and I regretted not saying no.
Be true to yourself, your personality and trust your own decisions.

Can you be my neighbour? - I'd like a regular supply of free biscuits

Seriously is your DH going to provide biscuits every single time? He's bonkers.

Your husband is being weird. If you live in attached/terraced housing/flats some noise will travel. If it was for hours and hours late at night day after day then perhaps a bottle of wine at Christmas might be an appreciative gesture, but for a 15minute tantrum at 5pm? I would have bankrupted myself buying biscuits...and also put on stones from eating all the biscuits I received.

He's not a bad guy really, has his twatty moments like this but usually accepts it when I tell him "Mr Tarla, you're being a twat". He's really good when DS melts down away from home, he's the king of bundling him up and getting him somewhere calmer, reads up on relaxation techniques, spots the warning signs and fends off comments. For some reason it's he at home ones he worries about, I think he worries that the neighbours will think we're hurting DS (DH had the sort of childhood where your parents aren't your protectors). Away from home it's all visible, people can see he's having a meltdown but at home it's audio only and unfortunately the audio often includes DS shouting help, get away from me, you're hurting me (when no one is even in physical contact with him), and lots of incoherent screeching.

Have still texted him "you're a twat"

my son has regular screaming meltdowns, my neighbours know he has ASD and once i explained that i've never apologised once... but then i have to deal with their bloody dog barking constantly, so tit for tat.

Kids get tantrums. Everybody knows this. YANBU. No need to apologise for a midday noisy tantrum.

If it turns out you DS is ASD you're going to have to apologise an awful lot if you get into this habit. My son has Aspergers and is VERY loud when he melts down. I apologised for meltdown noise once to me neighbours and explained the situation. I mostly did it so they wouldn't feel the need to call SS or the Police because they thought we were murdering him. I also told them that they should go ahead and do so if they ever felt worried and I wouldn't be offended.

OP, I think your DH is getting an unfair pasting here; from what you say, experience with previous neighbours has made him very sensitive and keen to avoid upset. Yes, he is BU in this case, but it's come from a good place and (unless I've misunderstood) has come around

If I was the neighbour I'd be upset you thought you had to apologise to me for noise at 5pm.

5am noise - possibly but even then if they know that your boy has possible ASD then I would expect an apology.

My twins screamed pretty continually for the first 16 weeks of their lives. I didn't apologise to the neighbours and they would have been appalled if I had.