AIBU to feel I'm being taken advantage of

[finlayargyle]

My sil and I are friendly but not that close. She is my DH sis and doesn't consider me to be an aunt to her children- just their uncle's wife.

Our kids go to same school. I now work part time hours to pick up my kids every day to save on childcare. She works 3 shifts a week in care home setting. Shifts are 8-3 or 3-10. Her place of work is on the road where we live.

She has never had formal childcare- her parents kept kids when her kids were babies/toddlers despite parent not really being fit. Whereas DH and I paid daycare and CM for years. They can afford childcare and have about 3 times the household income we do.

When sil works to 3, she can't make school pick up time and can be up to 30 minutes late. There is an afterschool club but you have to pay for it. Since September she has asked me to bring her kids with me to her work. I'm there anyway and drive past her work - so why not I thought.

But there are afternoons I may not be going straight home, planned to do errands and have ended up driving kids to her work then back to other end of town again for errands. The requests to do pick ups now come via a text, maybe as late as 1pm day kids need lifted. On 2 occasions when I collected kids they said 'oh mum said you were getting us today ' despite me only being asked 2 hours earlier!

I collected them on Monday, and she's just text and asked can I do tomorrow and Friday. I feel it's just totally become expected of me. I feel I'll be no better thought of by her but again I'm there everyday and most days heading home that way. Friday I always do shopping straight after school- am I being totally awkward to say no as it's driving to one end of town and back again?! It'll add nearly an hr to when I get back into house. I feel I'm just being used as free childcare.

You are being used and insulted. Only you will know if it's deliberate or just part of her thoughtlessness. (She doesn't sound in the least bit likeable from what you are saying)

I'd stop being the home-help regardless, texting ' I've got a lot of irregular commitments for the foreseeable future, so I will not be able to do your pickups - Its likely the after school club has vacancies though'

The fact you both have kids at the same school should be win win. I would carry on doing what you're doing and ask her to do pick up for you the other days. If she refuses I would then scale back the help to her.

I agree with sofabitch. Nothing wrong in asking you a relative for help in the hope that if you need her she will reciprocate.

I spent all my primary school after school time at a neighbours whose kids and I went to theirs and stayed till my Mum got back from work and she would have been offended if my mum thought to put me in paid childcare. But that wasn't in the UK so maybe the community spirit here is different.

Glad posters on here have supported you and that you got a yes to the pick up request, change is in the air.
But still sad that you're not 'auntie' and don't get a box of chocs or bath products at Christmas. What kind of thinking makes a person decide their brother's wife is not part of the family? Her problem but it must hurt. 💐

What does your dh think of the situation

The in laws not being considered as family or aunts and uncles is strange idea. Can't be many people who didn't consider parents' brothers & sisters spouses to be an aunt or uncle?
Glad you feel problem is sorted OP

Things have moved on since page 1. I'm glad she reciprocated and has appreciated what you do for her. And I think ALL the advice about the various ways you can say "no"/not feel used is brilliant, and from your last post, you're clearly going to be able to use that going forward to a way that works for you and doesn't leave you feeling used.

My immediate take on this was "how well do the kids get on" and only about 2 PPs made the same point. I note the OP said "the kids get on fine" (or similar). I do think a key factor is encouraging their relationships (if they're all good and healthy) as family, when it's at it's best, is fab. So a minor inconvenience (if it is genuinely minor, and def NOT driving all across town) is worth it if it helps foster those relationships.

She is my DH sis and doesn't consider me to be an aunt to her children- just their uncle's wife.

I know a few people have already commented on this, but, did she actually say this to you? has it been implied, or is it what you feel she thinks of you?
Just curious.

I would do the pickup if it suits you and not if it doesn't, especially if there is no notice given. I would also up the asking of her to drop yours home occasionally.

Stop buying her a Christmas present!

I take a friends two daughters every Thurs to an afterschool activity that I am going to anyway. I don't expect anything for it but she has bought me beautiful gifts at Christmas and Summertime to say thanks. Life is so much easier when people are kind.

This was the story of my life 3 years ago before i got a steady job. My sil would ask me if i could babysit her 5 year old after school or if her DD can stay over night whenever she had a night out. i should mention here that my kids were 2 years and 9 months. it started being expected of me to say ok that my other sil that lived in bristol would tell me they were coming to london to visit but the kids will be at mine. in other words, she will be free to roam all of london with her sister and i will be stuck with my kids and theirs. one time a friend of hers that was supposed to hang with them also asked me if i could watch her 3 kids as well. that day i had 8 kids in my tiny apartment and my sils and her friend came to pick the kids by 11:30pm. i complained to DH but he treated it like i was being unreasonable, he said it didn't happen that often and that i should just let it go. i finally blew my top when sil 1 showed up at my door with her kid cos she desperately had to go on a night out and couldn't find a sitter. i took the kid but when she came to pick her up, i told her that i didn't like that she didn't at least call first, and as expected she didn't apologise or understand, she just turned it around that i didn't like her kid and literally walked out on me. Luckily, i got a job and a great nanny who has more backbone than i do and told her plainly that she came to look after my kids and no extras.

user your SILs sound like complete users. Glad you extricated yourself! Who do they use now?

Was your DH ever taking care of his DNs or just expecting you to?

She may not realise how much she is imposing on you, as you're passing anyway. Some people just don't think about other people's inconvenience.

I'd carry on doing it when it isn't inconvenient for you. But I would let her know that while you're happy to it when you can, you can't do it every time, and that you need 24 hours notice unless it's a real emergency e.g. someone rushed to hospital etc.

Hi kiwi mum
Yes she's said it. DHs family are weird! That is how they view families - blood relative gets the title. Yet my DH considers himself uncle to my side of family.

DH thinks I should just do it and not prevent any bad feeling. He would not do it if the tables were turned and it was my brother and him in this situation.

He thinks I'm very petty to say no at all - but as someone who arrives home to expect dinner on the table, he doesn't appreciate school runs, homework and all that goes with it!

I will still do it for her but only if it suits.

finlayargyle, serious you could be writing about me 3 years ago. unfortunately nice people get taken advantage of all the time. it is not petty to put your priorities first. Do what you can because of who you are but if you can't go out of your way, then don't.

DH thinks I should just do it and not prevent any bad feeling

Doesn't your dh understand that there is already bad feeling. I hate it when people tell you this as it completely negates your feelings on the matter and that your feelings are not worth anything

DH thinks I should just do it and not prevent any bad feeling. He would not do it if the tables were turned and it was my brother and him in this situation.

How can he justify that then? You should poke up with it but he wouldn't do it for your brother?

Sounds as though your dh is pretty thoughtless! Unsurprising given his family of origin but not v nice for you, I hope your family is more supportive

DHs family are weird!
And rude and lacking in social graces by the sound of it!