AIBU to feel I'm being taken advantage of

[finlayargyle]

My sil and I are friendly but not that close. She is my DH sis and doesn't consider me to be an aunt to her children- just their uncle's wife.

Our kids go to same school. I now work part time hours to pick up my kids every day to save on childcare. She works 3 shifts a week in care home setting. Shifts are 8-3 or 3-10. Her place of work is on the road where we live.

She has never had formal childcare- her parents kept kids when her kids were babies/toddlers despite parent not really being fit. Whereas DH and I paid daycare and CM for years. They can afford childcare and have about 3 times the household income we do.

When sil works to 3, she can't make school pick up time and can be up to 30 minutes late. There is an afterschool club but you have to pay for it. Since September she has asked me to bring her kids with me to her work. I'm there anyway and drive past her work - so why not I thought.

But there are afternoons I may not be going straight home, planned to do errands and have ended up driving kids to her work then back to other end of town again for errands. The requests to do pick ups now come via a text, maybe as late as 1pm day kids need lifted. On 2 occasions when I collected kids they said 'oh mum said you were getting us today ' despite me only being asked 2 hours earlier!

I collected them on Monday, and she's just text and asked can I do tomorrow and Friday. I feel it's just totally become expected of me. I feel I'll be no better thought of by her but again I'm there everyday and most days heading home that way. Friday I always do shopping straight after school- am I being totally awkward to say no as it's driving to one end of town and back again?! It'll add nearly an hr to when I get back into house. I feel I'm just being used as free childcare.

Grinchy have you read op posts! SIL does not consider her family, only brothers wife, not Auntie to her kids. She gets everyone else Christmas presents, except op because she's not family. She would not do the same for op. Sorry op, I would turn her down every time! She shoukd at least give you a thank you gift at Christmas. Not a nice person.

I think if she would reciprocate if you needed help, then I would be more inclined to help. If you think hell would freeze over before she did so, then say no, and keep saying it. (I had a neighbour who constantly asked me for help with babysitting her child - I have four children and am constantly in and out with after school stuff so it was never very convenient, but I did it because I felt I ought to. She has one, but works from home and often just "needed time". She had been going through a hugely difficult time personally so I stepped in, but realised that whenever I had asked for help, even for 30 mins or so, she couldn't ever find time. So I stopped helping and she stopped asking. She's now worked her way around the rest of her local friends, who have all realised that it's only ever one way traffic...so she's had to find an au pair!)

I think some of the people here are very black and white - I couldn't be arsed dealing with the inevitable fall out of going NO WAY JOSE, but I think odd and other's polite firm nos are really good.

Also, I would really encourage you to make a few rules in your head and stick to them, whatever suits YOU. So, if she asks you on the day, you always say no, e.g., 'oh no I'm so sorry, I can't now, we have plans! You should have asked me BEFORE the day itself!'

There's no way she'd be able to bad mouth you as it's so reasonable, it leaves her scrambling to arrange last minute care as opposed to you scrambling to provide last minute care. It'all be in her own interest to sort her act out, and since she's only interested in her own interest, she soon will.

Likewise saying 'oh sorry, we can NEVER do fridays' with a smile and not budging.

And 'oh sorry dc are going swimming now on tues'. It's about being cheerfully assertive not aggressive. You can build up to this, start weaning her off now!

ALSO, i would answer a text asking to care for them by saying 'I'm not sure if I can take them tomorrow, just let me check. By the way, on the same subject could you take them next Monday? I have to work late/unavoidable appointment'. Put her ON THE SPOT. And if she says no, say 'oh well, no worries, and on the same subject I have now realised I sadly can't take them tomorrow WHAT A SHAME SO SORRY.'

She needs to realise that family childcare where in laws have similar needs is a quid pro quo, not a one way street, and since she'll never come to that conclusion herself (since she hasn't had to) you need to firmly nudge her into it.

I know that to some people this would sound like a faff, but personally I find the big rows associated with turning round and shouting NO counterproductive in many ways, far better to analyse what you want and act kindly but decisively to get it. Better for the kids too. Nb I have a dearly beloved one-way-street-childcare relly so I know what I'm talking about!

You don't have to shout, just say no I can't, or I an busy be polite about it. Does not mean you have to be a doormat and treated like rubbish, at Sil disposal.

aero I didn't see the updates and skimmed TBH as replying fast. I was trying to explain that we set out the specific times and it works as we all know where we stand. I was also trying to explain that it's reciprocal for Us as it should be.

OP if she won't consider you family stop behaving like family. I just read the rest and think you need to Say no and keep saying it if you need to. An arrangement like This shouldn't be a one way street. If she won't do anything for you, won't even consider you family, won't buy a token Christmas present wtf is that? Have you spoken to your DH about it?

Two options, depending which you prefer:

1. "I won't be doing any more pick ups - I just feel like I'm being taken advantage of - you will have to use after school club".
2. "I can't do Fridays but I will do the other two days you work if you collect mine on the days you don't work". If the answer is no, then apply 1 above.

It doesn't sound like you have anything to lose.

Goodness me, you're not good enough to be considered a family member but good enough to pick up her kids? That's shocking. Say no, let her sort out her problems with pock ups

Bloody hell - I've got 4 sisters in law (I was 'blessed' with 4 DBs) and they're as much a part of my family as I am! Also much easier to buy Christmas presents for than brothers so a pleasure rather than a chore... What on earth does your husband think? Who does the Christmas shopping at your house? I'd be telling DH he's responsible for buying all his family's gifts if I were you!

Wow I'd happily tear her a new one for you, piss taking bitch!

If it's not out of your way I would agree to do it (for harmonys sake) BUT I would say when you have plans and on days that you just don't want to for whatever reason so that you can actually live your life!
Or start asking her to help out too on the days that she is able to do the pick ups as well!

I would just say you can't do it occasionally and then say no more often. ESPECIALLY as she doesn't even see you as the kids auntie (so can't think much if you)

I am not married to OH but my nieces and nephews (on his side) are as much my family as they are his, as are the married into the family people my DDs aunties and uncles.
Your SIL is a piss taker

I feel there are two issues here - firstly, the actual pick-up of the children (which you don't actually seem to mind as dropping them off is en-route home most days) and secondly the fact that she is taking your "services" for granted and simply assuming that you'll fit into her life and plans. Now I can definitely see why you'd object to the latter - no-one wants to be relegated to being someone else's (unpaid) servant and you should definitely take a stand on that as it's very bad for your self-esteem to accept that position. However, since there's no problem with the children themselves and they are your brother's children too, I would continue with the arrangement but change it immediately to your terms. That way, you can help out but have control of the situation. (It is your lack of control here which is the problem, not the pick-ups themselves.). Continue to pick up on the days when you are passing her work and it is no trouble to you but cheerfully and firmly refuse the days when it's inconvenient ie Fridays and any other days when you have things on. You do not exist simply to make her life easier for her, and it is up to her and your brother to find a solution when you're not available. Also refuse on principle the days when she gives you no notice - it is disrespectful to assume that your are constantly available. This way, you are still helping your family, but on your terms with your self-respect intact.

Better they're not her brother's children. The SIL is her husband's sister. Still cousins of course. But OP doesn't get treated like family, so I don't think she should have to do favours like family.

Ah, missed that! Still, the children are all cousins and it's a nice thing for family unity to pick them up as long as it's on the OP's terms. This is all about the OP being disrespected by her SIL, and not the children at all, so I think the OP should just change the terms of the arrangement to take back control. I get the impression that the reason the OP has posted is that she is conflicted - she's quite happy to take the children but doesn't like the all-or-nothing nature of the arrangement which is based on lack of respect for her. The OP should do what she feels comfortable with - either the pared-down arrangement that I and lots of others have suggested or, if she has had enough, nothing at all.

Totally! I feel bad saying no but literally it just doesn't suit at times. I have no problem days we're going to the house. I know she can be stuck - I have a small family circle myself. But it is the expectation that it's fine. And the lack of appreciation.

Sorry op is not seen as family, or good enough unless SIL wants favours. She is pisstaking, I wod not have that. She shod only do it, if she wants on her terms, and has a right to say no sorry. What does your dh say about leaving you out with presents at Christmas. He shod be having words with her about that, unacceptable. He shod do his family gifts.

Not saying you reply with this but I probably would send her a text saying along the lines of you don't feel comfortable picking up non family members on such a regular basis.

Personally when my dc were in primary school there was a mother who worked who relied on the non working parents to pick up, drop off and look after her children. It was the sheer gall that she thought it her right for SAHPs to look after her children as they had nothing better to do. We found out via her confiding in a work colleague who's boyfriend was the brother of one of the mums.
When your SIL took the job she must have been made aware of the hours she would be working. At what point did it dawn on her that she had dc to be collected from school so how did she think she was going to get her dc from school.

I am always fascinated how people take on jobs then seem to then get everyone running around to help them out. As someone with no family support I have turned work down because I am the only one available to do the school run. It goes with the territory of having children you have to work out how they get to and from school and put in place a solid structure that will work and not rely on an unreliable free service.

I agree with other posters, you should ask her to fetch your children one day next week. You say she wouldn't do it but have you ever had to actually ask her? (Would you be happy that she do it? Would your children enjoy it? Hey, next week Auntie Wotsit will be picking you up on Thursday!)

I would carry on picking her kids up, personally, but get her to tell you in advance. She must know her shifts well ahead of time. Fix some rules like PP have said, like never on Fridays, or not on Swimming Tuesdays or whatever.

No you can't pick them up. What a pity.

honeylulu has it right with N°2. Say you'll do 2 days if she does the other two. I've done a lot of co-op pick ups, carpooling, as my kids went to a school you couldn't walk to. There should be a balance or near-balance in the number of trips you do.

Who takes her kids to school in the morning? Who picks her kids up on the days she works 3-10?

Do you ever have a third person in the mix, maybe a neighbour who is also doing the same school run/walk in the afternoon?

You could make your niece/nephew call you auntie.
Do you give her a christmas present? ('m being nosey)
Also you could get your DH to remark to her how lucky she has been having you help out until now. He might say you are thinking of going back full time.

You know what, I get why you're pissed off and feel a bit taken for granted and all but all this "oh just tell her this" "no, just say no that," FFS chill out.

My take on it is if she asked me and I was going back that way anyway, I'd do it. Even if she only text me an hour before. If I had plans to do an errand after school instead, I'd of course say "sorry, I can't do it."

And FFS, drop the Christmas prezzie angst. I presume you aren't seven.

Besides, how do you know she's not going to get you a massive bottle of champagne and a day at a spa this year to say thanks?

You're a nice person. Why not just be nice? If, however, it's inconvenient for you, that's fine. It's much better than being stressed about the situation.

And FFS, drop the Christmas prezzie angst. I presume you aren't seven

You sound incredibly patronising Puppy. I don't think it's about the present itself. It's about what it represents. It's telling OP she is not part of the family. Would you be happy if an in-law treated you that way? I don't think so.

Op I wrote a post on here yesterday with a slightly different situation but similar problem as you about people taking advantage.

Lots of mn's told me that I need to work on my assertiveness. I have had great advice and it seems you have to. One thing everyone seems to agree on is that your sil IBU. I hope you stop letting her do this to you and start learning to say no.
Something like 'sorry sil but this doesn't work for me' should do it. Btw if you're anything like me you'll find it really hard saying/texting that but you know deep down that you should! Right now you're putting her needs above yours and you need to think of you.

*Too

Puppy why should op be a doormat, isen't it too much to ask that she feels appreciated, and that she could ask SIL if she needs anything, which she cannot. Are you sIL btw, because its sounding like it! Op was saying that it can be an inconvenience as she is not always going that way! Op has every right to say no! Its awful feeling used, and the only thing your good for is to do favours. Yes its not about the present, its how her SIL views her, she is not family, yet she is fine to ask her favours, which is not on!