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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to have children?

49 replies

Quakeroatsarelife · 15/11/2016 19:43

My Dsis has expressed some strong views about how it is 'selfish' to have children because of overpopulation and global warming... and the usual 'more people should adopt'...

It is making telling her I am pregnant with my first very difficult. I've put off telling my parents as a result. I won't say how far gone I am because it's not relevant but I would have liked to have told them sooner.

I know I shouldn't have to explain myself to her but could do with some mumsnet ammo because I can see that she sort of has a point. It is really getting me down. I'd be interested to know what others would say in my situation.

OP posts:

TribbleTrouble · 15/11/2016 19:48

Tell her that children are the little messages of hope that you're sending to the future (saw this on a meme).

Otherwise, tell her to sod off.

TribbleTrouble · 15/11/2016 19:51

Also adoption in this country is hard, the children coming into your care gave often been victims of neglect or abuse. There are issues that will come up for years potentially.

Maybe the planet is a bit messed up, but maybe your child is the one that will solve it.

CozyAutumn · 15/11/2016 19:55

I'm in the tell her to sod off camp. What a misery guts.

Underchipsandpeas · 15/11/2016 19:55

Your sis is a dick.

Matchingbluesocks · 15/11/2016 19:56

I wouldn't say anything to her as ammo- she sounds very unhappy and bitter

A simple "you've made your feelings clear but it's very hurtful you can't be happy for us" should be enough?

Underchipsandpeas · 15/11/2016 19:56

Unless she's running an orphanage in a third world country, she needs to shut it. Not her business. Why are you even bothered?

SpeakNoWords · 15/11/2016 19:59

I wouldn't say anything other than to tell her the facts. If she responds churlishly with overpopulation comments then I'd use Matchingbluesocks phrase and then move on.

ByeByeLilSebastian · 15/11/2016 20:01

It's none of her business.
Just tell her. Or don't and then turn up with the baby and tell her you adopted it, spur of the moment thing.

Haggisfish · 15/11/2016 20:02

Well, I think she's right, actually, but it didn't stop me having my dc! We did stop at two, partly thinking about overpopulation. She's a party pooper if she judges you harshly or preaches at you, though.

PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2016 20:03

Just tell her. It's one thing having a heated discussion about people in general not having kids but I highly doubt she'll be anything other than happy to be an aunt to your new baby. Give her a chance to behave properly and it she doesn't, come back and tell us.

Losingtheplod · 15/11/2016 20:05

Yes, it probably is selfish to have children. Humans are screwing up the planet, and we should probably all stop breeding to allow things to improve. However back here in the real world, we will all continue having DC, as we are biologically programmed to do, and most of us will have the decency to be happy for each other when that happens. Tell your sister to wind her neck in. Oh, and congratulations!

ShotsFired · 15/11/2016 20:06

I am staunchly childfree but even I can see that adopting is an entirely different kettle of fish to having your own. As a pp says, they are often very troubled or not 100% healthy (or both) young people who have had horrendous starts in life, and it is a bloody difficult road from start to finish (and that's just the adoption approval process!) - it's not like some angelic perfect baby supermarket you can go and PYO from.

Conflating that with any responsibility towards global overpopulation is a total red herring.

HuskyLover1 · 15/11/2016 20:07

Jayzus, she's a dick. She does not have a point AT ALL. You have every right to have your own child. Announce your happy news. Your parents will be thrilled. does she wear hessian?

Congrats!

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/11/2016 20:08

I think you must be building this up in your mind to be a far bigger deal than it needs to be.

Just tell her. Your procreation preferences are zero to do with her.

She has expressed an opinion on a matter. You disagree with it.

She's even allowed to be disappointed with you - honestly, I'd be bewildered and appalled if my sibling was under the circs, but yes, she is allowed - but then she accepts it and moves on, like a normal adult human being.

This is her issue to get over, not yours.

Congratulations. Now just tell her.

Matchingbluesocks · 15/11/2016 20:11

Also: most people are really not cut out to adapt and thank goodness for those poor already disadvantaged children that they don't. What a mess the world would be if everyone adopted

Haggisfish · 15/11/2016 20:16

I agree with everyone else re adoption actually being very difficykt, but I don't think I fully realised that until I got older and then had my own children.

SemiNormal · 15/11/2016 20:23

I kind of agree with her but I still selfishly had mine. I don't think selfishness is always a bad thing anyway. I'd just agree with her but say you're still having one of your own and have decided to be selfish, not much she can do about it and by just agreeing with her she's not got much left to say (hopefully).

ByeByeLilSebastian · 15/11/2016 20:24

God, if I'd adopted before having kids then I think I'd have has a nervous breakdown.
Ds1 has a lot of issues and it's been a learning process in how to deal with him. I'm sure I would have failed miserably if I'd been thrown in the deep end with him.

PacificDogwod · 15/11/2016 20:37

Well, I am sure she will opt to not have children.
Good on her.

And congratulations on your pregnancy - your life choices have nothing to do with hers.

The Rich West needs children - we are an ageing population and whether or not there is global overpopulation (there is, of course) has little impact on the biological imperative to procreate that so many of us feel.

I'm in the sod off camp too tbh.

honeylulu · 15/11/2016 20:45

Ask her who will be wiping her arse when she's in the old folks' home.Other people's children, perchance?
Yes there is overpopulation in world but there needs to be some level of reproduction to maintain a standard of living. (See example above.)

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 15/11/2016 20:50

She sounds like a ray of sunshine

Ebbenmeowgi · 15/11/2016 20:50

The problem isn't overpopulation (there are more than enough resources on the planet to sustain us - look at how much food we waste for example) the problem is unequal distribution and wastage of resources.

If you look at the stats, countries with higher birth rates tend to have lower carbon consumption per capita as they're generally much poorer, developing countries. Countries with better access to education, especially for females, tend to have lower birth rates anyway. I think focusing on overpopulation really distracts us from the real problems, which is inequality and narrow corporate control over finite resources/our lives (so, capitalism, basically).

If we can give our kids a great start in life, educate them and love them well, they are our absolute best hope of getting ourselves out of this complicated mess in future!

Ebbenmeowgi · 15/11/2016 20:54

Sorry my point about higher birth rates in developing countries was to illustrate that when people blame climate change on overpopulation, these are the countries/cultures that are most vulnerable at at risk of vilification even though their carbon footprint is much much lower than ours. To blame climate change on just overpopulation is unfair.

(you could always accuse her of being at Malthusian )

AmeliaJack · 15/11/2016 20:57

Why is her opinion on this matter so important?

More important than your parents undoubted joy at having their first Grandchild?

She is entitled to make her own choice, she isn't entitled to dictate yours.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/11/2016 21:01

Thinking a bit more about this, it comes across as if you are scared of her. To the extent of building it up so much, and not even telling your parents.

You don't need to be scared of her, do you?

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