...to have children?

[Quakeroatsarelife]

My Dsis has expressed some strong views about how it is 'selfish' to have children because of overpopulation and global warming... and the usual 'more people should adopt'...

It is making telling her I am pregnant with my first very difficult. I've put off telling my parents as a result. I won't say how far gone I am because it's not relevant but I would have liked to have told them sooner.

I know I shouldn't have to explain myself to her but could do with some mumsnet ammo because I can see that she sort of has a point. It is really getting me down. I'd be interested to know what others would say in my situation.

Ah I'm sorry she can't be happy for you. A case of 'doth protest too much'?

I do understand the sentiment though. I'm pregnant with my first and genuinely feel it's a very selfish act. DH and I discussed it at length beforehand - I would have happily tried other routes (or not had children at all), but he felt strongly that he wanted to experience it at least once. Interestingly, I now feel incredibly lucky that it happened for us, and am enjoying the terrifying, awe-inspiring experience. We've talked about adopting if we choose to have more - I do think we'll be better prepared in every way to embark on adoption if we have some experience of raising a child.

Congratulations and enjoy the ride!

I had one or two weirdly negative reactions when I first got pregnant. They were to do with issues the other person had. Does your sister have children or a partner?

Anyway, I am in the two out two in school of thought but want a third

Ah I'm sorry she can't be happy for you.

Where does it say that? She hasn't even told her yet.

Lots of people are posting as if the sister has been off with the op for being pregnant. She didn't know. She may we not have said those things if she knew the op was having a baby.

It's possible the sister will get on her high horse and lecture the op on population statistics when she finds out. It's pretty likely that she'll be perfectly nice and say congratulations.

Tell her and then moan about her reaction but at least let her actually earn her slating.

Well to an extent, she's right of course. On the other hand, it would be nice if there was a society and a workforce in the future so on balance, it's a good thing that some people continue to have children!

Her comments smack of sadness and jealousy to me. If you're having baby issues, from infertility to ambivalence, it can be very upsetting to hear people's pregnancy announcements. Is there a chance she could be feeling something like this?

My advice would be to go ahead and tell her, and hopefully she will congratulate you. She may well be very happy for you even if she does feel sad or jealous for herself. I'm going through similar with my own sister, and I have been upbeat with her, keeping my darker feelings to myself

I am of a similar opinion as your sister in that I would prefer to adopt. BUT I was over the moon when my sister got pregnant and I was on the phone to her every day as I was genuinely interested in her pregnancy. I love my niece to bits too! Tell your sister to sod off, she should be happy for you!

Congrats btw

Well she is right to be honest, but I am expecting my first.
I think we do need more people like that, that are willing not to increase the population which is out of control and adopt more.
I chose to have kids and I am grateful to those that didnt. But I will have 1/2 max. And we dont buy lots of stuff and I am very environment driven.
That is my compromise. She made her choice. You make yours.
You could say listen I know how you feel about this and your choice is great, but this is mine.
We all make decisions on a daily basis that affect the environment and society. Nobody has zero impact. We just need to do a little bit each. She chose that, I am sure you do other things to contribute.

We are not in the third world. Our economy needs children who will be future taxpayers to pay for your sister's (and the rest of the ageing population's) healthcare and pension. Unless she wants to do volunteer work in the developing world and make a real difference instead of just mouthing off, she should shut up and mind her own business.

Congratulations!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. She may not react the way you think. I was scared to tell people about my 3rd pregnancy. I was expecting lots of negative comments but actually they have all been lovely

Reading this thread is like listening to my stream of consciousness on the matter from 'why does it matter what she thinks' to 'she's right' to 'sod off'. There is nothing here that I haven't thought myself.

It matters to me that my family is happy. I care about my relationship with my sister.

But yes, if she doesn't like it, she can lump it.

Thanks all, this has genuinely helped! I'll do my best to update you when I tell her but that won't be for a couple of weeks because I want to do it face to face and can't get over to see her before then.

Thanks again

Donald "we are bot on the third world" how very selfless of you. You do realise that the South is poor because the North is greedy right? Or do you honestly live your life thinking our actions are not affecting those developing countries.
I have volunteered in developing countries and I dont turn a blind eye to the fact that we destroy their forest to access our oil, we take their land to grow our fancy quinoa and palm oil.
So I take that it is everyone's choice to have kids and I am having one myself but your comment is either from ignorance or from selfishness. Either way I hope nobody else thinks the way you do.
Adopted children and children of migrants can be tax payers too.

*not in the

I would agree with her, but point out that all of us are hypocrites. Is she a vegan, without a car, who never uses any plastic, eats local organic and seasonal food, never takes a plane, and has a house that is fully run on renewables? If she is, I would take my hat off to her and let her know that I respect her choices deeply.

I feel guilty about having 3 kids and don't mind admitting that it is not the right thing for the environment. I am also a vegetarian (almost vegan) as are my 3 kids and husband.

If you want some justification, bear in mind that the UK has an aging population, so having children is pretty important to make the demographics a bit more balanced. Also the birth rate in many developing countries has dropped significantly and the population boom we have recently experienced should level off. Most of the people generating the rapid growth in global population are already alive; it's the fact they are living longer that is causing rapid growth.

Having a family is a perfectly normal thing to do and I hope your sister will not be so militant as to rain on your parade.

Your baby isn't an abstract idea that she can argue away !
I hope she and your parents are allowed to be happy about it soon.

All the best telling your family, and congrats again

Agree completely with claraschu. As much as I'd love to be a vegetarian, I just don't have the will power, instead I make sure every single product I buy is cruelty free to balance it out.

Having children isn't the issue. If everyone could just do one small thing it would help the world tremendously.

She's got every right to have her views. It's not as though she knows you are pregnant and is trying to shit stir.

There are some simple facts that everyone should bear in mind:

• lots of children are conceived by accident
• lots of children are neglected, unwanted or abused
• lots of children have parents who can't / won't provide for them
• lots of children will grow up to be criminals, rapists and abusers
• there are finite resources on this planet, and over-population is a serious issue
• if nobody had children, as a species we'll die out
• lots of children will grow up to do good things
• no argument or fact will persuade someone who wants a child that they shouldn't have one
• no argument will enable you to change your sister's mind for her, she may or may not change her view in time but that will be of her own making. Just accept she's got her view, you've got yours, and try to get along.

That's great Pilko. I am far from smug about my small contributions towards not making a huge mess of our planet. There is SO much I get wrong. I just think it's great if people consider what they are doing. A lot of the waste and destruction in just carelessness, very far away from what the OP is talking about- the existence of a loved and wanted child.

Along the lines of 'hi dsis, that's ok, you're probably right, but we're being selfish and having a child, knowing that you will enjoy being an unselfish auntie, and besides, our baby will be a net gain to the world because he/she is bound to be a brilliant and amazing person.

At which point if she says anything other than congratulations, deck her!

Has she adopted 20 children or got an orphanage? Thought not.

She will get pregnant accidentally and have twins soon enough. She will be he sort of person to plaster it all over facebook like the first person to ever be pregnant/have a baby. Ignore and then massively patronise when the above happens.

Some great advice here. I have a friend who had very similar views and was very vocal about them for years. I knew though that she'd keep her opinions to herself when I told her I was expecting and just be happy for me - which she was.

She's since had her first dc

In the nicest possible way, your sister and some previous posters who echo her concerns need to get their heads out of their arses.

Can't bear those who feel superior and virtuous for thinking along these lines, reproduction is essential.

And I bet they travel by car, use electricity etc. Hypocrites

Evergreen, your sanctimonious pomposity and hypocrisy is staggering.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way. Does the fact that you've done volunteer work cancel out the environmental impact of YOUR precious first born then? I guess it does and it makes you feel smug and entitled enough to cast aspersions on other people's environmental credentials. A fabulous example of double think and a 'do as I say, not as I do' attitude.

The point I was making is that in an ageing population we need young people - your child included - to keep our economy in balance, regardless of over population elsewhere in the world. How is that ignorant or selfish?

What the hell is your point that 'adopted children and migrants can be tax payers too'? Of course they can, I never said otherwise.