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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not spending the same amount on DCs for Christmas.

64 replies

LegoWalker · 15/11/2016 19:33

I am having to do Christmas on a budget this year and it's going to be pretty tight. I have £200 left for most of the presents and any Christmas food.
So I have planned to only spend around £10 (hopefully less) on DS2 this year as he will be 11 months old so he won't notice at all.
I do however plan to spend more on my 3 older DCs as they are 7,5 and 12.
I do have things to wrap for DS2 as a friend was giving away a couple of old baby toys and kindly gave them to me so I plan to wrap them as his christmas present and then get him some christmas pj's and a bag of chocolate coins.

Ex-MIL called today to tell me what she was planning to do for the DCs Christmas presents. She also asked what I was doing so I told her. She was very upset with me. She told me I was an awful mother as I was treating the DCs so unfairly. I tried to explain but she wouldn't listen to me. She just kept telling me that when DS2 get older he will realise that I favoured the other DCs and I'm not trying hard enough and should have saved more or tried to work more to afford enough presents for everyone.

I feel so guilty anyway as none of the DCs are going to have many presents this year. But I really can't afford much more and this seemed like the solution but she is right its really unfair on DS2.

I have no idea what the solution is now, AIBU to not spend equal amounts on all the DCs?

OP posts:

Princess28 · 15/11/2016 21:09

The only reason we got our 4 month old ANY presents was because we were worried that the 3 year old might question why Santa hadn't brought him anything! This year they are 3 & 6. They are both getting bikes- one cost £100 the other cost £16 (balance bike). YANBU

Original poster

LegoWalker · 15/11/2016 21:10

Unfortunately DS2 doesn't have lots of toys from the older DCs as we had to leave most of their stuff behind when we left exh.
Exh doesn't pay maintenance and has no contact with the DCs (with good reason)

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 15/11/2016 21:11

She's 'putting the money away' for them but moaning at you about buying them more gifts? Nosey bitch. Tell her to butt out.

Original poster

LegoWalker · 15/11/2016 21:16

I think she is putting the money away because she doesn't trust me (but that could be a whole other thread)

OP posts:

Princesspinkgirl · 15/11/2016 21:18

I don't think it matters Christmas is not a competition babys don't know I've always said spend what you can afford!! I'm due Christmas day and bought baby 3 things one is a santa book a cookie jar and a pink singing bear i spent around £30 but I can afford it

Trifleorbust · 15/11/2016 21:24

Doesn't trust you with what? Games and toys? No, OP, she is full of it.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/11/2016 21:27

Ex mil is being ridiculous and if she was really that bothered it wouldn't kill her to buy something small for him instead of into an account. Wonder who has access to that anyway?

If I were you I'd avoid discussions with her about what you are spending or how you break down you budget, be it for gifts, clothes, bills. She doesn't sound overly supportive if she carried on like that so don't hand her a stick to beat you with. Sounds like you've had a tough time of things so focus on yourself and your DC and let her comments wash over you.

Underthemoonlight · 15/11/2016 21:30

Everyone does things differently, I was raised where we all got equal spent on us Even our DP get the same off my parents. I never understand why people do it by number of presents my DS who's the eldest would always come off having far more due to his age and the fact he wants more expensive items. My three will get the same spent on them eldest being 8, middle 3 and youngest 8 months. I wouldn't judge how others do there Christmases though people do things differently

junebirthdaygirl · 15/11/2016 22:10

One thing l would do is take some nice photos of your little one with a nice new toy. I have found as dc have got older they like to look of pictures of themselves on their first Christmas.

Other than that your plan is perfectly fine. Don't discuss with Mil. Maybe her ds has taken after her!

MrsRhettButler · 15/11/2016 22:17

I don't even add up what I spend on the dc (6 year age gap, now 5 and 11) I certainly don't make sure I spend the same. I do tend to make sure they have the same amount though but that's because we all take in turns to open one present each and it would be noticeable if one had less.
When each were babies they had hardly anything though.. waste of money imo
I think you're being very sensible and mil should butt out.

BackforGood · 15/11/2016 22:37

I never understand why people do it by number of presents

Because when your dc are old enough to be interested, but still young enough to not really understand the value of money, and also at the stage of you taking turns to open one present each on Christmas morning, it's a bit upsetting if you have 2 presents whilst your sibling has 8 presents.
When ours were that age I took great care (like lalalalyra) to make sure they had the same number of presents, by wrapping up little notebooks or hair bobbles or something to make it seem fair to dc of that age when we were opening presents.

MrsMook · 15/11/2016 23:28

DS2 was 9m at his first Christmas. I wrapped up some of our existing baby toys that DS1 hadn't played with for a few months so he had something to unwrap. That was just from the point of view that we already owned what he needed, and avoiding waste, rather than from a financial need.

To me, treating the DCs fairly is about meeting their needs and (within reason) providing what makes them happy. DS2 seems to be more modest than DS1 and will choose a £5 ball over the considerably more expensive Lego kit coveted by DS1. In the end they share toys and mutually benefit anyway, and at some point DS2 may become dearer to accommodate than DS1.

You don't have to price match to treat them fairly.

Cocochoco · 15/11/2016 23:34

Dd2 got secondhand toys and a cosy outdoor sleep suit I was planning to buy anyway for her first Christmas. My friend gave her son a ball and nothing else. YANBU

Astro55 · 15/11/2016 23:35

Mine didn't get a present from us till they were 3 - tell your MIL that!

This was in the basis that I'd spend enough in clothes and toys as they needed them all year - and they had gifts from grannie etc to open

Mine get what they ask for - then timings they need PJs undies socks and a game to play -

Ellisandra · 15/11/2016 23:35

What a prize fucking bitch your XMIL is!

And that would be true whatever, but especially so when neither her nor her son - their FATHER - are getting them anything at all

She is not your friend, limit your contact (to zero?) and confide in others not her.

You need to save your money. Buy only what your baby NEEDS and wrap that.

And enjoy your first Xmas away from what sounds like an utterly toxic XH and his bitch of a mother!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/11/2016 23:42

You are being sensible.

I'm only getting my baby something because I also have a 3yo and a 4yo who would wonder why Santa didn't bring the baby something

Nanny0gg · 15/11/2016 23:50

Maybe her present to them would be getting her arse of a son to pay the maintenance his children need.

Bitch.

Don't tell her any information in future, Keep your conversations very bland.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 15/11/2016 23:53

i think your only mistake was discussing it with that toxic old windbag.

lalalalyra · 16/11/2016 00:14

Because when your dc are old enough to be interested, but still young enough to not really understand the value of money, and also at the stage of you taking turns to open one present each on Christmas morning, it's a bit upsetting if you have 2 presents whilst your sibling has 8 presents.
When ours were that age I took great care (like lalalalyra) to make sure they had the same number of presents, by wrapping up little notebooks or hair bobbles or something to make it seem fair to dc of that age when we were opening presents.

Exactly that.

Mine sit on the floor and they each open a gift at the same time, ooh over it, ooh over each others, swap around and have a nosey and then the process starts again... That doesn't work if one has 10 things and one has 4.

The bigger ones (almost 18 and 2 x 13) have a great time seeing who can ooh and aahhh the most over pants and socks and playing their part in making the Santa magic for the younger kids.

Spending the exact same doesn't always work fairly either. Last year the two main things DD2 wanted just happened to be in the sale. Should she have got more presents than her twins because of something she had no control over? Or should I have bought DD1 less just because hers didn't happen to hit the sales? It's not like one child gets £500 spent on them and the rest get ten presents of pants and socks. It's varying amounts within reason and then little filler presents even out the gift opening so that the littlies don't start questioning why Santa only brought X one thing.

AndNowItsSeven · 16/11/2016 00:17

Yanbu , best present for an 11 month old is a balloon box. Ask in a shop for a really large cardboard box the biggest you can. Wrap it in Christmas paper and fill with regular coloured balloons.

MummyIsAFreeElf · 16/11/2016 00:19

You are not being unreasonable!! I have a 5yr old an almost 2yr old and a 4 month. If I were to spend the same on all three it would be ridiculous! 5 yr olds toys are drastically more expensive than a few rattles and developmental toys for a baby.
I get dc the same amount of presents but as I pick a lot of things up on sale or at a reduced price spending exactly the same amount would be a complete headache!

EveryDayIsASchoolDay · 16/11/2016 00:22

She sounds ridiculous. You are totally doing the right thing. You're older kids will start doing their own thing and the 11mo will have all of your attention. That's what matters most. What's that saying.... Presence not presents. If she's that bothered she can buy the gifts!

ShowMeTheElf · 16/11/2016 00:26

They are young enough to believe in father Christmas so a biggish gift from him is enough to keep the magic. I have never understood people who worry about whether they spend the same on all the children. When my eldest was 8 all she wanted was a sledge. It cost less than a tenner (it steered and had brakes..a while ago now!) and she could not have been more pleased. It was big and shiny and just what she wanted. It really shouldn't be about the financial value of the gifts, just about keeping the magic alive.

MissVictoria · 16/11/2016 00:28

Shes an EX MIL, and from the sounds of you saying EX H not getting them anything, it sounds as if the split was down to him not behaving properly, so she certainly cannot call anyone elses child rearing in to question.

KeyserSophie · 16/11/2016 00:33

She just kept telling me that when DS2 get older he will realise that I favoured the other DCs

Your MIL is crazy. An 11mo isnt even going to know it's Christmas FFS and it's not like he's going to do a retrospective audit when he's 12 and go "boo hoo- I need therapy now".

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