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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

11year old lying

53 replies

SarahJane333 · 15/11/2016 06:46

Up until two months ago dd was great, excellent at school, lovely all round. Hormones seem to have kicked in and her attitude is going down hill. The biggest issue if that she seems to be constantly lying! Stupid things like saying she didn't have some make up on when she clearly did and not admitting it for ages (no big deal it was a weekend and she wasnt going anywhere, she had just been experiementing) lying about going to bed at a certain time, lying about something her and a friend did. This morning I've just found out she has lied about sending a text. I can deal with the mood swings, etc but I desperately want to nip this lying in the bud. Aibu to go ballistic, cancel her friend coming over at the weekend, take all electronics off her and cancel a guides camping trip she's due to go on. This is the fourth incident of lying in the last week. Is this normal?

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 15/11/2016 08:51

I used to lie about wearing makeup because my mum used to make a fuss about it 'looking nice' and I thought she was lying (although I may have been paranoid). I agree you should pick your battles and lying about make up and bedtimes are probably not them.

Orangetoffee · 15/11/2016 09:01

My 11 year old DD does the lying thing about not wearing make up and what she does with her friends. I think it is a phase they are going through, finding more independence and such. I just ignore those silly little lies.

eyebrowsonfleek · 15/11/2016 09:17

If the text is cyber bullying then yes, go ballistic.
If the secrecy about what she did with her friend is dangerous then yes, go ballistic.
The other things all together are worthy of one punishment. All of it would be OTT considering that you've probably got worse to come.

eyebrowsonfleek · 15/11/2016 09:28

Just rtft. The makeup thing could be modesty or an attempt to not seem like a try hard. My dd plucks her eyebrows and when she was under 12, her brothers would ask and she'd deny it. Now she just Hmm and asks whether they want her to do theirs which shuts them up.
I Hmm or laugh at obvious fibs. My 15 year old is a serial fibber to the extent that his siblings know to treat anything he says with a pinch of salt. (They call him Mr BS) He has become better with age. I don't know if it's because his peers wouldn't take that nonsense or if it's the family's scepticism that has worked but I get your annoyance.

Meadows76 · 15/11/2016 10:27

genuinely don't mind her staying up late or wearing make up. She knows thiS. She may know this, but does she really know this? Kids doubt these things all the time and as parents it's our jobs to enforce and encourage their confidence, not to knock them down for being unsure (which is what it sounds like your DD is feeling)

I spent years teaching mine I would rather they told me something, no matter what, and i wouldn't be mad at them but rather pleased they had told me. Even now at 15 my DD has a wobble whenever she tells me she got make up on the carpet or something similar. She always tells me, and is growing in confidence, but she needed years of reassurance to get to this point. If you continue to hardly punish your DD for teeny white lies she will NEVER find the confidence to tell you anything.

Help her grow

Alwayschanging1 · 15/11/2016 10:35

All kids lie at some point - it's a normal part of growing up. If she is otherwise a good kid, you will only make things worse by coming down on her hard. And as others have said, what happens when she does something really bad?
I would be more inclined to tease her a bit - ask her about her invisible make up. You can afford to let her break the rules and get away with it a few times. Part of DC growing up is learning how to back off and pick your fights carefully. She's a person, not a robot.

Meadows76 · 15/11/2016 10:38

*harsly punish

someonestolemynick · 15/11/2016 10:56

I have read the Op fully and still think you need to step back a bitWink

Yes, it's annoying she is lying but it sounds to me like she is asserting her independence from you. She simply doesn't want to tell you. And that's ok.

I would be very careful about punishing her if the aim is to encourage her to be open about the big stuff.

If you catch her lying next time. I would simply state that you know and not push her any further on it.
You: Oh, your eyebrows look nice. Did you use a new product?
DD: I'm not wearing any make up.
You: I can see it DD but you don't have to tell me, if you don't want to.
And back off.

Also it might be worth having a mum to daughter bonding moment to find out why she feels the need to lie about silly stuff. Then give her an opt out that allows her to you to give her some privacy.

Also, please try to avoid calling her liar. This sets up a self-fulfilling prophecy very quickly.

FameNameGameLame · 15/11/2016 12:20

Sarah what people are trying to say is with the example of the eyebrows:

When you said your eyebrows look nice have you put make up on?" You already knew she had make up on them. How did you react when you discovered she was lying?

You could have just said, " oh I especially like your eyebrows today" and then something very nonthreatening like offering a snack..

By adding the question it was almost like you were testing her honesty, instead of commenting on a job well done.

None of that is intentional I'm sure. But I think that's why everyone is having a go. We don't test the ones we love on their honesty, we trust them to be honest.

BarbarianMum · 15/11/2016 13:09

Rather than making it a case of truth vs lies maybe start asking yourself "Is this my business" before starting along a line of questioning.

As an adult, your dd will not owe you total disclosure - about her eyebrows or anything else. Whatever you think, the reality is that adults lie to each other all the time - by ommission or directly - so much easier than saying "I don't want to answer that" each time.

Your dd needs a way to get from being a child (when you have access to all information about her) to adulthood (when you get to know only what she wishes to disclose) without you punishing her for not wanting to share every thought and deed with you. If you don't wamt to hear even a white lie then start affording her some privacy poor kid.

HeCantBeSerious · 15/11/2016 13:17

I don't think you're that unreasonable. If you can lie about little things (without good reason), then inevitably that will build over time. It's the act of lying itself that's the issue

Lying is a crucial human skill. You do your child a disservice not recognising that.

FameNameGameLame · 15/11/2016 13:52

Also very true saying that suspicious parents makes sneaky children

mrsm43s · 15/11/2016 14:03

I'm really surprised by some of the answers. I also have an 11 year old girl, and I wouldn't think it acceptable for her to lie to me, even about unimportant things. To my knowledge, she doesn't lie, and I'd be very concerned if she started.

I've always stressed to her that on I'm on her side, I'll always be there to help her, but she must always tell me the full story. The freedoms that I'm beginning to afford her are because she acts in a responsible and trustworthy manner.

To the OP, I'm not really sure that heavy punishment is the way to go with this, but I'd certainly not let the lies go. And I'd be explaining to her that since she can't tell me the truth about little things, that that shows me she's not old enough to be trusted with bigger things. I wouldn't be allowing an 11 year old who habitually fibbed to me much independence tbh, because I wouldn't be able to trust her to not lie about where she was or what she was doing and could therefore compromise her safety.

BarbarianMum · 15/11/2016 14:51

mrsm do you still tell your parents everything? Anything they ask? And if not, when did you stop and why?

mrsm43s · 15/11/2016 15:06

I don't lie to my parents, even now, why would I?

I really wouldn't lie to anyone, bar the odd white lie to protect someone's feelings (i.e. bad haircut already done so too late to stop etc) and even then I'd probably try to tell the truth in a tactful, positive slanted way rather than directly lie if at all possible.

If someone asked me something I didn't want to tell them (although I can't off the top of my head think what?) then I'd say truthfully that I'd rather not discuss it with them, I wouldn't lie.

dybil · 15/11/2016 15:43

I'm afraid I'm another who thinks the OP is being a bit overbearing. Punishments and 'several long chats' for some pretty innocuous lies. It all sounds a little suffocating and maybe she just wants her own personal space.

Maybe it'd be better to reward honesty in some of these cases. Like with the make-up, try "well, if you do want your own eyebrow pencil, you just have to ask" - show her that the lie is pointless.

I think the suggested punishments sound very OTT.

titchy · 15/11/2016 15:44

mrsm you're an adult though. You're confident enough to say to someone 'I don't want to talk about that.' Kids this age need to learn how to do that. Which is hard when your parent is involved with every minutiae of your life and you're trying to pull away and develop independence.

IminaPickle · 15/11/2016 15:47

Get out of her face. I feel claustrophobic just reading this.

mrsm43s · 15/11/2016 15:55

But if OP ignores the lies, she's teaching her DD it's OK to lie with no consequences. As I said, I'm not an advocate of big punishments in this situation, but OP does need to address the issue.

Personally, my consequence for lying would be the loss of trust, which would curtail what I would be able to trust my daughter to do independently.

saoirse31 · 15/11/2016 15:55

Don't be questioning her on everything fgs. Shes an individual, shouldn't have to tell u every trivial thing....

Evergreen17 · 15/11/2016 16:20

I used to lie a lot to my mum on similar things and I still do. It drove and drives me crazy that he had to analyse every single thing such as I was wearing lipstick or I had put a face mask on or who I was calling.
I ended up with massive issues of self esteem and eating disorders and got very good at lying and hiding things. It looks like you are forcing her to do the same.
Just stop questioning all the little things that are lets be honest unimportant!
You seem very strict in your punishments, reminds me of my childhood.
If she is a good girl I would let her be

Evergreen17 · 15/11/2016 16:20

*she had to, not he

IAmNotACat · 15/11/2016 16:44

She'll be a teenager soon and rightfully want to be developing her own life that doesn't involve telling her parents everything. I didn't, don't, and never will tell my parents everything about my life.

You say it makes you not trust her, but does she trust you? You say you would be OK with the things she's done if she told the truth, but it sounds to me like she thinks you wouldn't be. Maybe she thinks you would have made fun of her for using makeup, or told her off for staying up late etc.

I do think you're massively overreacting though. These aren't really lies and I think you're pushing her to tell you things that she thinks you won't be happy about. Or she just wants more privacy about things that don't need discussion. If you don't care about her wearing makeup and staying up late and sending texts, don't question her on these things. Sometimes when people question people it comes across as though they'll be in trouble if they confirm what is being asked. Perhaps your daughter interprets you this way.

Nataleejah · 15/11/2016 16:55

If you punish her about such trivial things, you'll be out of options/punishments for something more serious.