Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been angry with dh

33 replies

Hedgehog80 · 14/11/2016 08:51

Usually we do the school run together but one dc unwell today so i stayed at home.

Over the years I've had many many problems with DM and traumatic situations and I'm very damaged by it all and extremely fragile at this time of year due to an anniversary of a bereavement.
Anyway, dh calls me to say he was taking dcs to school and saw DM at the bus stop so as it was cold he offered her a lift .......
I'm so angry and had a go at him, burst into tears and now I feel like rubbish. It made me feel like nothing that he helped the person who has caused me so much pain in the past

I probably am being U and childish but it hurt

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 14/11/2016 09:10

Your DH saw your mum at a bus stop, offered her a lift and you are angry. Why? Seems OTT

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/11/2016 09:17

Not 100% sure of Hedgehog's story but I think the mother was quite abusive.

Penfold If it was a father and he was sexually abusive would it still be OTT for the Op to be angry?

Op If I remember correctly it is only recently that you have cut your mother out of your life? And you have been with your Dh for many years? It is probably quite difficult for him to move on from the ingrained thing we all have of "MIL - must be nice no matter what I feel personally or my spouse will be upset" to "have no contact as my spouse will be upset".

So I think explain why you are upset and ask him not to have contact with her again.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 14/11/2016 09:17

Because of the last and because we are low contact and it felt like a kick in the teeth after yet another weekend where I'm in pieces and dh has to prop me up emotionally at this time of year because of dms actions in the past.

I was just really angry he did something to help her after everything

OP posts:
ineedamoreadultieradult · 14/11/2016 09:17

Are you no contact with your DM? If so yes I think it's a bit odd he did this but if you have even a bit of a relationship with her then I can't see the harm it's not as if you had to talk to her or anything. However you are obviously extra emotional at this time for whatever reason but I think your DH deserves an apology.

Iknowthisgirlcanx100 · 14/11/2016 09:17

You are being unfair and controlling. Your relationship with your mother is your business. It's not for you to tell another person how they can and can't behave. He did a kind thing for an elderly lady. Be pleased that he is well meaning towards others. Don't shout at him for trying to be a better person.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 14/11/2016 09:18

Yes that's right it's v low contact, hard to do nc as so local but things like today, I don't know I felt betrayed

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 14/11/2016 09:20

You need to spell it out to him that he doesn't need to do things like that, calmly though.

My dh used to feel obligated to my abusive mum, but I explained FOG to him and he gets it.

Are you getting counselling?

NavyandWhite · 14/11/2016 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 14/11/2016 09:21

He said "she saw me and I can't just drive past as I'm not the same as her. I'm not like that I'm a better person"

I just hate the thought of her being smug that she can still benefit in a small way from us after all she's done and said. Doesn't help that for two and a half hours yesterday morning I was a wreck crying and sobbing and emotionally ruined going over things in my mind and dh trying desperately to help me but then gives help to the person responsible for my pain

I need to forget it. I shouldn't be annoyed with him but it's raw and it was an instant reaction

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 14/11/2016 09:21

Iknowthisgirlcanx100 have you been abused by a parent ? Emotionally or physically?

NavyandWhite · 14/11/2016 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iknowthisgirlcanx100 · 14/11/2016 09:28

White guitar - none of your business I think. I am responding to an AIBU. I gave my opinion. I am not up for discussion and yet you are interrogating me. Are you trying to 'blame' me for something?
No where did the OP only ask for opinons' from 'abused' individuals. Is there such a thing on Mumsnet? Perhaps you need Mumsnet to put a sign at the top of a post specifying the type of people who are allowed to reply? I think they would disagree with the premise.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 14/11/2016 09:30

navyandwhite you're right. I think my initial reaction was to be hurt and angry and was probably misguided. It's all just so raw that my judgement is clouded

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 14/11/2016 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 14/11/2016 09:41

OP in the kindest possible way, I think that while it is right and correct that your dh should provide you with emotional support for your issues, he is not obliged to be controlled by them.

I agree with Navy...think of it as your dh being the bigger person rather than a betrayal.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 14/11/2016 09:42

The last thing I want to do is alienate the only person who is able to help me. Dh spend hours and hours every week talking to me, letting me cry, taking me to my appointments for counselling and helping more and more with the dcs when I can't function

I don't want to make him feel any worse. I don't even know how he copes as it is. I dont want to push him away

OP posts:
pictish · 14/11/2016 09:43

I also urge you to seek counselling so you can work through some of the things that are making you feel so fragile. It may help you to put some anxieties to rest, while taking the pressure off your dh too. x

pictish · 14/11/2016 09:44

Ah sorry, cross posted. You are already having counselling. Good.

ZoeTurtle · 14/11/2016 09:44

It was shitty of him to call and tell you about it. Unless he knew the kids would tell you and wanted you to hear it from him?

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 14/11/2016 09:44

I know it's justnin my fragile state of mind it felt like heartbreak and upset over the past+bad time of year+bad day yesterday+dh giving DM (the person responsible for the situation years ago)=anger, upset and feeling of betrayal

I need to just see it as dh gave DM a lift because he's nice and not an idiot like she is

OP posts:
Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 14/11/2016 09:45

He called to say kids ok and in school and yes they would have said so i think that's why he told me

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 14/11/2016 09:49

You ve got a lovely husband - focus on that. You cant live in the past as you'll have no life and will stop your husband and children from having one too

Penfold007 · 14/11/2016 09:52

Penfold If it was a father and he was sexually abusive would it still be OTT for the Op to be angry?

Mumof the OP never hinted at sexual abuse, you appear to know the back story, I don't.

Original poster
Hedgehog80 · 14/11/2016 09:54

It was not sexual abuse.

I was emotionally abused and trigger forced to have a second trimester termination when I was 18 years old. It was awful and still as raw as if it were yesterday. It was this time of year hence my fragility

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 14/11/2016 10:05

Hedgehog I am so sorry, that was a terrible thing to have to deal with. Understandable that you are so upset and fragile.