AIBU to not grasp some kinds of grief?

[lizzieoak]

I'm curious about what upsets people when famous people die? As an example, I was a massive fan of Amy Winehouse & I was sad when she died. Primarily thought "oh, how sad for her poor family" & a little bit thought (& still think) "how sad for people who loved her writing & voice that it's all ended so soon."

But, horrible monster that I am, I didn't cry, as I didn't know her personally and, sadly, it was hardly a huge surprise. Ditto the death of our treasured Mr Cohen. He was 82.

On the non-famous end, while I was sad when my dad died when I was in my 20's, I thought "well, today I'm sad, but in a year I bet days will pass when I don't even think of dad". A friend of mine had a parent die around the same age and he spends the whole month, every year, 30 years later, being Quite Upset. Slight difference in the manner of our parent's deaths as my dad had been sick on & off since I was a kid whereas my friend's mum died of cancer within a year of getting ill.

I totally grasp that a loss of a child could destroy a person. It's out of the natural order of things. And the loss of a spouse - I can see how that could be pretty devastating.

But I worry a bit that I feel sad but not grief-stricken about the loss of people I love (older adult family members thus far) & people whose work I've admired.

Is it just that I'm a cold fish in this regard? Can anyone upended by the death of an elderly person, or Princess Diana, explain to me ... well, just what it is they're upset about?

Hard to convey tone online sometimes, but I'm not being sarkie, I really don't grasp this (though am otherwise emotionally normal).

Anecdotally, my male friends seem more thrown by the death of elderly rellies, whereas women seem more emotional than men are by the death of famous people. Not necessarily true across society, but in my circle I've noticed this.

It used to be the case (at least in the UK) that public demonstrations of grief were thought of as childish and displaying a lack of self-control and moral fibre. For the past couple of decades or so, not being visibly sad over a death (whether a personal bereavement, a bunch of strangers in an accident, or a famous person) has started to be percieved by dumbfucks as a sign of 'heartlessness'.
How upset you are at any given death, and how much of your distress you want to demonstrate to other people, will depend on a variety of factors. It's entirely normal to feel indifference towards a celebrity death if the person was someone you had no interest in during his/her lifetime, for instance. it's perfectly reasonable to feel more relief than anguish when a family member dies if that person had been ill for a long time - or if s/he was a bully you were still scared of.
It's also normal to be upset by the widely-reported death of someone you didn't know personally if some aspect of that death reminds you of a personal bereavement or some part of your own circumstances.

Mind you, what I have no patience with is 'grief wankers' - the bucketheads competitively howling and posting pictures of candles and flowers with nauseating 'inspirational' crap all over social media when there's a newsworthy death with which they have no connection, particularly as they are often the sort of bullying, stupid people who have to attack any behaviour or reaction that isn't like their own.

I am not someone who wept and wails when someone dies. I very much keep it inwards, process it then move on. I had a child who died young in terrible circumstances and i went to counselling to talk about why i wasn’t weeping and wailing and being as outwardly grief stricken as everyone else around me was. Turns out I just grieve differently - there is no set way. I am a very rational thinker so when someone has died i immediately rationalise that they have gone, they are not returning and remember all the good times and things about that person. I also rationalise that everyone has to die at some point, some sooner than others. I feel sad about people dying, no doubt about that, but no great shows of emotion from me.

I do think i come across as a bit unemotional at times. I think i feel saddest when a piece of music or a smell reminds me of someone who has died and this usually happens when i am alone. I don’t want my grief to be a spectacle for others. As an example it is the birthday of my child who died very soon. I will go to the cemetery to lay flowers but i only do it as my mum will want to go and it is the ‘done’ thing. I will go, put flowers down, light a candle but i will feel nothing. My child is not in the cemetery. She is within me, in my memory and my heart forever. i can’t bring her back and one day reminding me of the passing of time does nothing for me at all. My mum will be upset and i will struggle to know what to say or do around her.

I don’t really get celebrity grieving at all needless to say. I may feel sad that that person is no longer around to make music or act or whatever, but no grief.

I'm similar to you OP, I don't cry over well known personalities dying, that's not to say I don't feel for their families , God it must be awful.

I did blub over Diana but ds2 was only six weeks at the time and I was knackered and very emotional anyway.

My parents are both still alive and I know when my Dad dies it'll affect me differently to when my Mum goes, I'm not close to her at all.

I think I'm fairly weird in that I will sob at deaths in films and books, but not about people I actually know and love deeply.

I'm with you OP. I've lost both my parents to cancer and of course was devastated at the time, but now 5/10 years later I feel bad that I don't miss them more.

If I really think about it/them I can get upset, but on a daily basis I have so much going on that I don't have time to feel grief (and I get a lot of quiet time at work during which my mind wanders, but usually to more current issues!)

Every year on their birthdays and the anniversary of their deaths my sister will call me, all upset, saying she's thinking of me, and I feel like a fraud for accepting her sympathy

FWIW I bawled my eyes out when DCat died, but I think partly as I felt somehow responsible for not keeping her safe and partly because I knew my DCs would be so upset and I am a huge empath! I've just realised as well, that I was disproportionately upset when DP's best friend died, as while I knew him and he was lovely, I was most upset on behalf of DP. I'm sure that's where the celebrity deaths thing comes in - it's not necessarily about that person, it's empathising with their family/anyone who has lost someone.

stumblymonkey I also react very differently to animal than people deaths. I think it's because animals probably don't have any concept of death and it must be so bewildering and confusing for them. At least a person understands that one day they will die.

for bluesky and anyone else who has lost a child.

Francis thank you, your post is beautifully articulated.

I think the death of a famous person may affect some people more if that person reminds them of someone else, or of a time in their life when they were particularly emotional (happy or troubled)

I definitely agree with this. The only celebrity death that I have cried at was James Gandolfini - I sobbed for about an hour when I found out (at work!). It didn't take a genius to figure out that this was because he reminds me so much of my dad! (Who is alive, healthy, and definitely not a gangster!).

But then I do get emotional about deaths anyway. I've been known to cry when people I hardly know pass away, but it is often because I am close to somebody they left behind and so the crying is about how I feel for my friends.

I've been upset at the death of some celebrities, book authors or musicians whose art impacted me. Or politicians I deeply respected for what they've done.
I never got the grief for Princess Diana - I saw her as a tragic figure who was trying to do her best but had her faults which eventually contributed to her untimely death. But I never felt like she had such an impact on my life to grieve for her like she were a close relative of mine.
On another forum, few years ago, there was a tragic case where a boy landed in hospital in a coma after an awful accident at home. His Mum was by his side and posted on the forum to get some mental support as she was breaking down.
I was sickened by the personal investment of some people in that case. They kept chasing for details, described how they couldn't sleep, shedding tears for the boy, couldn't stop thinking about him etc. etc. They even dug out the details of the accident from a short article in newspapers so the posters name and place of residence was known.
It was awful and I was horrified at the morbid curiosity so I stopped following the thread. I felt very sorry for the Mum who was going through a horrendous personal tragedy nobody would like to experience but I don't think it makes me cruel if I say that it didn't impact my life to the extent that I wouldn't be able to go through the day without thinking about the poor family. It was their personal suffering and grief and being too invested felt like an intrusion.
I believe people get too involved in other people's life to escape the reality of their own. Overflowing with feelings for strangers is easier to them than relate to their own life and people close to them. And I also believe that partly it's also relief that something horrible is happening to others and not to them.

My mum died when i was 20, which was 6 1/2 years ago.
She was diagnosed with secondary terminal brain cancer. Turns out she developed smoking related lung cancer 10 years after quitting and didn't notice any symptoms. She had it for around 2 years when it spread to her brain, liver spine and hip. She was dead 2 months later. I couldn't be with her in her final days or at her bedside when she died due to MH issues that at the time left me housebound and dependent on my parents as carers. Half my emotional support system and my entire financial support system (my dad was and still is my full time carer so not earning) disapeared over night.
I knew she had only hours left, and found out she had gone when my dad walked in the door at 4am waking me up. There's no way he would have left her side, and the realisation hit me like a ton of bricks. i had pretty much a none stop panic attack for the next 24 hours, of how was the world still turning, how could anyone's lives still be going on unaffected, how was I still breathing, and how could i ever live beyond this day.

Every day for more than a year, i expected her to walk in to the room, around the time she would get home from work i'd swear i heard her key in the door and look up, and remembering she wasn't ever coming back broke my heart every time, multiple times a day.
Time for me at least, doesn't heal death, nothing does. It doesn't get "easier" you just eventually get used to them not being there. I miss her as much today as i did the day she died, and i always will. My dad was on the verge of attempting suicide in his grief so i almost lost him too. 2 years later my sister almost died and ended up in intensive care.

The knowing i'll never see them again, never have another hug, never get to talk again, it's overwhelming in a panic sense. i question the time i did have, and whether i wasted it. I hate that i'll spend significantly more of my lifetime without her in it, than i did with her in it. And the fact my health issues meant we never got to the point where i was independent and our relationship became more "best friends" than "care giver".
I'd give anything to have her back, i will never reach a point i don't think of her every dy, and i have nightmares of her illness/death practically every night.

I am quite emotional when people I know die, it stems back to losing a relative when I was 15, DM and I were with them when they suddenly passed and DM broke down, couldn't cope so I had to step in. I was a child who had to quickly become an adult. I didn't have the chance to process my emotions as I was supporting everyone else. I became extremely angry that no one noticed I was suffering and that I couldn't cry.

It has taken many many years to be able to process my grief and when a celebrity does I think it's a shame, but that's it.

Grief affects everyone in different ways, it's a difficult one.

I must admit when I see these outpourings of grief for celebrities, my initial thoughts are 'you mustn't have had anyone to grieve over in real life, you're lucky'
It annoys me a bit, even though I know that's wrong, but losing Dsis, DBro, DDad, Bil and Fil ( and also DH's grandparents) all within 5 years of each other, takes its toll.
Having said that, a young woman was found dead very close to where I live. She'd been out on a student night and was thought to have been raped and murdered. It affected me massively, and I cried on several occasions as I passed the sea of flowers every day. I think it was because I'm a mum and could empathise and she was so young.
Never new her, but it most definitely stirred up past emotions.
Grief/death changes everything, I'm the youngest of 3, the baby of the family, but now in my forties I'm the eldest or an 'only'
Aggghhhh I feel soooo bad when people ask do you have any brothers or sisters, well yes err no err. It's a conversation stopper!
However! I am happy, time has passed, grief is less raw, and I will continue to eye roll at public outpourings 😊

MissVictoria, sorry to hear that. Hope you will find the right support and be in a better place one day.

I cried when Sir Terry Pratchett died. I am a huge fan of his books, and for many years when horrible things were happening in my life his books were my only solace.

I could completely lose myself for a few hours and put my troubles at bay. Much like some people use drugs or alcohol as an escape.

When life became better I would eagerly wait for the latest Discworld book to be released, and queue to have him sign it. We spoke often over the years (he was like this with many fans, I was nothing special) and when he died I cried at the irony of such a brilliant mind being destroyed by dementia, for his family, but most of all for myself, knowing there would never be the anticipation and enjoyment of another book..

For those saying I must not have lost anyone close, I have lost all of my grandparents, one of whom lived with us for many years so she was more like another mum, a dp, a best friend of 20 years and my fil, so I am not a stranger to grief.

Grief is a very personal thing, everyone deals with things differently, and that's OK.

The only famous person I cried over was John Candy. But I was about 6 I think and I thought he was Uncle Buck

My mum died at 55 of cancer and that was horrific - I cried my heart out, wailed in private and drank too much wine.

However my son was only two at the time,so I HAD to plod on.We were very close and it was a traumatic death so I'm not sure I would have managed so well were it not for my little boy who needed his mummy more than I needed mine.

However, my big brother, who fought with my mum like cat and dog, took it incredibly hard and two years later is suffering from. depression and functioning alcoholism. He is very disconnected from us all and I think is feeling tremendous guilt that he wasn't around until the end.At times I could slap him for his constant misery, he has a son that needs him and our dad is worried sick about him.
But then I remember that.we are all different and his feelings are just as valid as everyone else's and when he wants help, he will let us help.I hope...

My dad died of MRSA. it was sudden and six years later my heart still breaks and I miss him terribly. I was 29 when he died and just had a baby.
I believe that if someone dies from a long illness then you have time to accept it whereas if someone dies suddenly it takes longer because of the shock

I am sad about Leonard Cohen because his music was part of my life for 45 years - and yes, I had a crush on him too. It's brought it home to me that my own old age and death aren't very far away.
I don't see why that's so hard to understand to be honest.

I think judging people for how hard they cry at funerals is very unfair.
My friend lost her mother suddenly. At the funeral, when the coffin was carried in, she wailed. It was a heart-breaking, gut-wrenching sound.
I hate the thought that anyone judged her or thought she was putting it on.

I tend to cry in private over both personal grief or that of strangers. Jo Cox was so upsetting, the manner in which it happened, her husband and children etc.

I was ridiculously upset over the death of David Bowie and it took me completely by surprise. Didn't let anyone see but I really did cry a lot, read loads and chatted on here to others who felt the same. God knows why, I didn't even particularly follow his career!

Op im the same.I didnt cry at my mams funeral.I find it very hard to cry at funerals.I dont think i ever had.
I didnt go to my stepdads funeral,didnt cry over him at all.

I did have a little cry over Diana,it was incredibly sad.