To consider calling social services?

[susie2999]

Just want some views on this situation..long sorry will try and keep it brief as possible..
My dd (9) started new school this September. After initially seeming to settle really well she began crying when I left saying she missed me. We put it down to separation anxiety for a while and the new school. As the weeks went by her anxiety grew and grew. She was crying from the moment she woke up (sometimes in the middle of the night too) and it was horrendous at school. I said to the school on numerous occasions that I felt there was more to her behaviour and asked them to investigate but nothing was done.
After weeks and weeks of this I woke up one night to the sound of her crying. After a lot of coaxing she finally told me that another child at the school asked her to play a game in the woods ( where it seems the kids can play unsupervised). This child asked dd on 3 separate occasions to play a game called hospitals that involved this child asking my dd to touch her (my dd daughter said she wanted my dd to touch her bottom). My dd told the child she didn't like it and didn't want to play it. This child then told my dd not to tell anyone about the 'game'. This child then began asking my dd every morning 'have you told anyone' and started being really nasty.

We are not happy with how the school has handled the whole situation and to cut a long story short have removed her from the school.

I have since found out that this child has done this before (forcibly tried to remove a girls pants) and used threats against the child to stop her telling anyone.

The child who did this to my dd is also new to the school but the mother didn't tell the school about her child's past wanting her to have a 'clean slate'.

The schools handling of this has been woeful and this child is still at the school and in my opinion the other children remain at risk of the same thing happening to them.

The child in question is vulnerable too I think. It has been suggested to me that her behaviour suggests that she has either witnessed abuse or has been abused herself. I'm not interested in throwing anyone under the bus but am I morally obligated to tell anyone about this if the school don't??????

I will ring them first thing tomorrow.

My dd is recovering well. I feel she has yet to tell me the full story though but i don't want to keep questioning her however gently. I will look into taking her to someone trained in gently coaxing what has happened out if her. I am so proud of her for finally telling me what has happened. The message I hope she has received is that as soon as she told me something happened, we took action to make it stop.

Definitely tell social services. A little girl (aged 5) I used to babysit for was 'inappropriate' when she was playing. I reported it. It turned out the lodger had been getting her to watch porn with him - with her sitting by him whilst he wanked. If you are worried better they get two reports than none.

Susie

Yours is the attitude every parent should have in these circumstances.

In spite of what must be very hard and panicky feelings underneath your coming across as levelheaded, supportive both in a personal way with dd but also with the understanding that she may need help you can't provide so your thinking ahead to what she might need.

Also having compassion for the other child even though it must be hard because they hurt your child is lovely to see because we could very well have seen a different reaction.

Good luck I hope things get easier for you all.

Thank you Ginkypig that means a lot. I have found out the child is still at school.

Did you call Social services?

Speak to the NSPCC - they will listen to what you have to say, take details, and if they think it is appropriate, make a formal report to social services. When we spoke to social services about a child we thought was at risk of harm, they pretty much ignored it; as soon as the NSPCC got involved, they took it incredibly seriously. If the school hasn't acted, this will get picked up too.

The school cannot just remove the child and you can't demand the school exclude the child. The school has a duty of care to all pupils. May not be fair as dd is a victim but that's how it is. Have u esculated to education board?

The mother should have made school aware if the situation and allowed a plan of supervison to be put in place.

I'd do as another poster said and phone the nspcc. You may have to accept this child will be staying at the school

Difficult.

It could simply be a case of "if you show me yours, I'll show you mine" - a normal phase. But the fact that this lass is persisting with her behaviour and threatening your DD if she tells anyone is a step too far. It really does sound as if this child could be parroting something that has been said to her as regards something that has been done to her. That is the worrying aspect I feel.

Personally I would go to the school and express that concern and say that you assume they have this in hand under the safeguarding procedures. If they either say they have not done this, or look a bit shifty, I would go to SS myself. You cannot rule out the possibility that the child is being abused and it would be dreadful to miss this.

From the point of view of your own child, I would stress the threatening behaviour rather than the interest in her bottom.

I really feel for you op.

My daughter had something similar happen and at the time I was in bits obviously not wanting to spread it around but needed to ask feedback at the time.

I posted on here and because it was all new passwords etc and I couldn't remeber mine I started a new account and got called a troll and deleted off.
Any who I got my password back and I hope I can help you.
First things first I did was have a completely open conversation with my dd explained she did nothing wrong and I am proud of her for telling me then we have to knicker rule conversation and if she ever felt threatened in anyway to always tell an adult she would never get in trouble.

As for the other parent of child she didn't care 1 bloody bit laughed it off (honestly the stuff I had to tell her was no dam laughing matter)
the mother is actually in child protection or something and works in that area.

We are about 2 years down the line and my dd is absolutely fine happy girl and doesn't mention it now thankfully I really hope your dd is ok

Definitely report and ask for some signposting for local services who might be able to suppprt your dd. How awful - hope you are all ok

I wouldnt assume the school have followed proceedure. The system doesnt always work. People slip up, make mistakes. So please do report it to SS.

It might also be worth going to your GP to see if there are any counselling services or play therapy available to help your DD get past this. You sound like a wonderful human being.

Hi all - firstly thank you all again for being so supportive and kind about this situation
I decided in the end to call the nspcc. They were amazing as previous posters have said. They felt it was serious enough to be referred and contact will be made with the school to ask how they have investigated it etc. I now feel more free of my obligation/responsibility to this other child who may be living her own hell. Now I feel I can concentrate on healing my own dd.
Thank you for the post about the pants rule - the nspcc mentioned that too. Also I agree the mother had a
Responsibility to tell the school and she could have been closely supervised. If they don't expel her I can live with that but she needs help and other child need to be protected from her.

How awful op I'm glad you spoke to someone hope your daughter is doing okay

Well done OP for making the call.

I do feel that an attitude of 'the other children need protecting from her' is really sad. All children need to be kept safe, but this child is not a sexual deviant or the devil and needs protecting and educating, not singled out for behaviour she likely doesn't understand or has been lead to believe is normal.

Oh this is just awful and very distressing, I'm shocked any school would think this was natural curiousity. My guess, and i could be wrong, is this is an abused child acting out exactly what she is personally subjected to.

I hope uour daughter is ok, I'm sure she will be, and I think you handled it really well.I hope the other little girl in question is helped. 💐

I'm glad you decided to report it because this child is showing all the signs of slipping through the cracks if her current school was unaware of a serious incident happening at her previous school.

It's not always the case that schools handle these things correctly. Especially if they don't have all the info of previous incidents so there's never any harm in following up in situations like this.

Whatever you do, please don't underestimate the effect this may have on your daughter. Please ensure she gets as much help she needs even if you have to pay for private counselling.

Something similar happened to my son and he suffered undiagnosed PTSD for several years. Police, SS and school were involved, none of whom offered my son any help, all were more interested in perpetrator who was already known to them!!

And in answer to your question yes call SS too. The more agencies that know, the bigger the picture and wider the circle they can build.

This is a good source of information to people who are wondering what to do about this kind of event. It is never easy but we have to be careful for al the children

Well done susie. You might have just saved that girl.

Don't forget to find some support for you too, your going through every parents won't nightmare and your probably too busy to feel it yet because your energy is going on the kids both your dd and the other girl but you will feel it and you'll need somthing in place for it.

Obviously there will be support here too!

Mumsnet has shone at its very best on this post! Thank you all - it would be great if this post helped someone else out in the future. Here's to mumsnet :)

I am glad you made the call and the girl should now get the help she needs. I also second visiting the GP for referral for counselling for your daughter.

However, I would just say I fully agree with what Ditsyprint40 has said:

I do feel that an attitude of 'the other children need protecting from her' is really sad. All children need to be kept safe, but this child is not a sexual deviant or the devil and needs protecting and educating, not singled out for behaviour she likely doesn't understand or has been lead to believe is normal.

The school think it is no big wow / that my dd is 'sensitive' and we have over reacted. Good o - always nice to blame the victim of something.

While I also agree with that. Infact more than I can say actually!

The fact remains that a child has been sexually assaulted possibly more than once and that absolutely must be dealt with because it's very very serious, for this child it does not matter how old the person who assaulted her was just that it happened.

Now of course the reality is for the other child is it does matter how old they are, if this had been looked at appropriately the first time it may never have happened again and if this child has been abused/is being abused herself (I think very probably) then she may have not suffered for all that extra time!

To you susie, the school are fucking arseholes. What happened to your child is awful, it should never ever have happened to her, the school should be ashamed that they have let down both of these children and its a fucking disgrace! I'm sorry for the swearing

You just be proud that you are doing what needs done.