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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be terrified of making this phonecall?

36 replies

SansasEscape · 13/11/2016 12:11

Hello,

Backstory: everything has gone very well at work for me recently and I've been made four job offers.

I have turned 2 down and have been left with 2 to decide between.

One is an opportunity with a partner I work very closely with currently. I think that he thinks I'm his assistant (I'm not, nor do I want to be). He has previously enthused to me about how much fun we're going to have together and what an excellent opportunity it is for me. I have felt very very pressured to go and join him.

I have decided that this opportunity isn't the right one for me and I am going with the remaining one. I emailed the partner to explain (probably should have phoned but I was too chicken). He has asked me to phone him today.

I know he is going to try to persuade me to change my mind. He is not known for being particularly professional and a large part of me is expecting him to be very angry. But I can't take a job I don't want for him.

So I suppose what I am asking is, how do I stick to my guns and not get drawn in the phone? AIBU to feel so crap about doing this though?

OP posts:
Hissy · 13/11/2016 12:20

You don't have to call anyone.

Much less on a work related matter on your weekend

If I were you I'd leave it and when you're at work and he asks say to him that you felt the other offer suited your aspirations better, and if he pushes it say that you felt he treated you like his assistant and you felt it was a "dangerous" precedent to set for your career

You're not his assistant, you're not at his beck and call.

Keep it professional and in work hours. That in itself will send a message

Hissy · 13/11/2016 12:22

If you call him, if he gets angry it'll be your word against his.

Guess who's more dispensable?

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2016 12:25

Call him, don't burn bridges, but tell him you've already accepted the other one and don't feel you can go back on that. Also think of explaining to him why you accepted it i.e. Further opportunities promised or whatever.

ReggaeShark · 13/11/2016 12:27

Phone him tomorrow morning. Keep it professional. Sounds as if you have made the right choice.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/11/2016 12:30

Can you have a phrase that you can repeat if necessary that you can memorise or even read out so you don't have to try and think of a response on the spot. Something like "I really appreciate your offer but I have definitely decided to take the position with xyz and I won't be persuaded otherwise." Keep repeating till he gets fed up

FWIW I think you've made the right decision. He sounds like a bully and a nightmare to work for

Well done on your success and all the best in your new position

RuggerHug · 13/11/2016 12:35

Don't call today and no matter what he says to persuade you just keep saying 'thank you but my decision is made'. If he continues, repeat without the thank you in front. Good luck!

RortyCrankle · 13/11/2016 12:42

He sounds like a bully, don't let him browbeat you. I would probably say something like: 'After considering long and hard, I've accepted the offer which I believe is best for me and my career in the future' using your own words and repeat as and when necessary. I would't mention the assistant thing at all.

Well done and congratulations.

QueenLizIII · 13/11/2016 12:43

Dont call him at all.

Just reiterate in the email that you have made your decision. If he contacts you again you're entitled to ignore him as he has been told twice.

You cant edit a phone call and I wouldnt want to get drawn into it in a phone call because of that. You can plan what to say in an email.

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/11/2016 12:47

Hope you accepted the job offer (that you intend to take) before turning down all the job offers (that you didn't intend to take).

Always best to make sure the bird actually is in the hand!

SapphireStrange · 13/11/2016 12:56

You don't have to call anyone about work at the weekend. Tell him that if he asks why you didn't phone.

And then I agree with pps' advice to have a pre-prepared phrase or two to repeat politely,

Whatsername17 · 13/11/2016 12:58

'I understand what you are saying, but I've made the right decision for me. Thank you for the offer.' Repeat until he gets the message.

Rachel0Greep · 13/11/2016 12:59

No phone call. Enjoy your day and forget about it. Have a few stock phrases ready for when you do see him.

Original poster
SansasEscape · 13/11/2016 13:06

Cheers all.

I've accepted the job I want and that's all fine. I have to formally turn down the other with that company's HR director tomorrow.

I will take your advice and speak to him tomorrow, not a weekend. He is not in my office, he works in another so unless I make the effort I won't bump into him iyswim.

What is the order of business for tomorrow then? Turn down with HR, then talk to him. Or talk first?

I feel like I owe him the phonecall - cycles back to the main problem really!

OP posts:
zen1 · 13/11/2016 13:06

I wouldn't call him. If he contacts you, tell him you have made your decision and have already accepted another job.

zen1 · 13/11/2016 13:07

Turn down with HR first. Honestly, you are in no obligation to call him.

SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies · 13/11/2016 13:19

So he's already behaving as though you are his assistant by telling you to call him!

As other pp's have said, don't call him, he's not your boss.

And congratulations on the new job! Flowers

giantpurplepeopleeater · 13/11/2016 13:24

Don't call him. IF he's not your boss he doesn't get to tell you what to do. IF he's that bothered he will call you, if not, tough on him.

If he does call, you tell him you've made your decision, wish him well, and end the phonecall

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/11/2016 13:28

Stop stressing OP, there really is no need.
Don't phone him, you don't take orders from him.
He is already aware of your decision.
Speak to HR, you are not obligated to him, in any way.
He will smell your discomfort and try to change your mind, so don't go there.

SapphireStrange · 13/11/2016 13:31

Don't phone him at all. Solves the problem of 'order of business'!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/11/2016 13:32

Don't call him, especially out of office hours!
Tomorrow, email him back instead and say that you have taken the other job, you have already spoken to HR and told them and you're sorry if he doesn't like it but there's nothing he can say that will change your mind, so you don't really see how a phonecall would be of any use.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/11/2016 13:33

Just to reiterate - just because he has told you to call him, you are under zero obligation to do so. So don't!

Waltermittythesequel · 13/11/2016 13:36

I generally prefer not to burn bridges in business. Because you just never know what could happen down the line.

So, I would turn down the job with HR. I have a feeling he'll call you! So I would answer if he calls and explain that you've turned it down with HR and that you wish him well in finding someone for the role.

But I wouldn't go out of my way to phone him!

MatildaTheCat · 13/11/2016 13:47

Call him tomorrow after speaking with HR.

It's always wise to keep things on good terms with colleagues,you honestly never know when they might be useful in the future. I would reiterate that it was a hard decision but you have made it due to further opportunities etc etc but you have enjoyed working with him.

Perhaps email today saying you are busy as it's the weekend but you will call to discuss tomorrow but you have made a final decision?

Original poster
SansasEscape · 13/11/2016 13:52

That's what I'm thinking Matilda.

Like it or not he is very influential in my small industry, and he has been very good to me in the past. I'd like to keep our relationship good, but I know how emotionally manipulative he can be.

OP posts:
WLF46 · 13/11/2016 13:55

You don't have to call him, but it will be better for your sanity if you do. You know this. That doesn't make it easy though.

My advice is:
a) Write down what you think will happen on the phone call. Will he be angry, will he be manipulative, will he just want to find out why you've decided this way? How do you think you will feel?
b) Make the phone call and stick to your guns. Don't change your mind. Be polite, friendly, but firm. You want to leave the relationship friendly and professional, you never know but you might need him (or him you) in future.
c) Compare what you thought would happen to what really happened. Was it as bad as you thought? How do you feel now?

I feel it is better for you to face the uncomfortable situation now. Face it tomorrow and then you can forget about it. Don't face it, and you will be thinking about it for the next week.

He (almost certainly) won't be wanting to speak to you in order to upset you. He will probably want to know whether there is a specific reason you made your choice, and ultimately if he doesn't respect your decision (which doesn't mean he has to like it) then you can take that as evidence that you have made the right one.

Look at it from his point of view: he needs you, he thought you enjoyed the job with him and he is surprised you have chosen this way. As a professional, he would like to know if there is a problem with the way he works that he should bear in mind for future reference.

If you think he feels that you are his PA, and you don't want to be that... that is a perfectly good reason to choose the other job. No (good) manager wants to keep someone in a role that they are unhappy with. They either change the role to make the person happier, or accept that they need to look elsewhere.

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