To ask him to leave because of this?

[NotSayingImBatman]

DH and I have been together for eight years and have two DCs.

Around six months into our relationship, he announced that he'd quit smoking. This was news to me as I hadn't even realised he smoked in the first place. My DM smokes heavily and I lived at home so the smell wasn't obvious to me however I've never smoked myself and made it clear then that if I'd known he smoked at the start I wouldn't have started dating him.

I was putting his work trousers in the wash this morning and found a lighter in his pocket. Yup, he's started smoking again. I asked him why and he retorted that he's a grown man and doesn't have to explain himself to me.

I've been walking around in trousers that don't fit (recently lost a lot of weight) because I don't feel new clothes is something I can justify spending money on at the moment as other bills etc are taking priority and he's fucking smoking.

I feel completely betrayed and lied to. This is the icing on a very big cake as he also refuses to do housework or generally pick up after himself - hence me doing his laundry in the first place.

I've told him to leave. He's told me I'm ridiculous and can't afford the mortgage without him. I'm pretty certain I could and even if I couldn't, the DCs and I would find somewhere else without many issues. Besides that's hardly a reason to stay with a lazy deceitful cockwomble is it?

AIBU?

Never mind the laziness and deceit, I just couldn't live with someone who smoked...end of!

YABU to leave him just because of the smoking thing

YANBU to leave him for all the other things he does/doesn't do with or without smoking.

Truth is you are unhappy and things are not going well,if this is the last straw then that's what it is and no one,not even him can say you're unreasonable for not wanting to stay in an unhappy relationship.

I think its irrelevant how much the mortgage is, if you can afford to pay all of it (I assume you pay half from your op) then the other half must now be disposable income, which you could spend on what you want, and I would say that having a pair of trousers that fit is a priority actually. Work trousers from primark or asda are 5 or 6 pounds, jeans and other types of trousers Im sure are around 10 pounds from primark.

I do feel you are over reacting wanting to end a marraige over smoking alone, he isnt breaking the law but as pp have said, you can end a relationship for no reason whatsoever if you wish. However, this defiantly sounds like the final straw, so yanbu for reaching breaking point now.

My dp hid the fact he was smoking from me, we had both quit together and he hid it because he didn't want me to see that he had failed, I completely understand the difficulty with quitting smoking and how easily it can suck you back in, so the smoking wasn't an issue, it was the fact that he was hiding it (so well) from me. I took the kids and stayed at a friends, I didn't want them to see the huge argument it was going to cause, and I needed time to calm down. This btw is the only time in 5 years that its ever got to this resolution, this happened 3 years ago. We are very much still together. But I need to add, dp helps around the house, he will make sure I have everything we need before he has his needs, he supports me in everything I decide to do, even if its the worst mistake ever. After the smoking incident I suggested he try vaping, its working out to not be as expensive as smoking and probably less harmful (no evidence yet), but it doesn't stink like fags do and he hasn't had a cigarette since he has vaped. He was also very apologetic, and wanted to fix the damage caused.

I just wanted to let you know I know how you feel, and the betrayal that comes with lying/hiding the fact that he's smoking is hard to deal with.

I also see that the smoking isn't the only issue, the fact that your trying to do your best to save for a second car, your wearing the wrong size clothes to achieve that, as the need for a car is greater and that you also run the house, and make sacrifices at work, while hes blowing the money that could go elsewhere is infuriating, also his don't care attitude would be enough to tell him to fuck off, and the smoking for me would be the icing on the pile of shit cake.

YANBU. Totally agree with PinkePies..

Go and don't look back

I doubt I would leave someone just for the fact that they smoked in and of itself (although I would find the smell hard to bear). However, the general attitude of 'none of your business what I do with my money' whilst I struggled for money would bother me enough to possibly tip the scales!

P.s. Not wanting to leave because "you can't afford the mortgage on your own" rather than bcs he loves you and doesn't want to lose you,says it all really.

No, you're not being unreasonable.

How are you going to afford the mortgage if you can't afford trousers?

I understand why this would be annoying for you, but I can't imagine wreaking the devastation this would bring on my children over a few sneaky fags.

OP, I don't think YABU. It's not just the smoking but all the deceit, the disrespect he shows you by belittling you. He sees you as beneath him, clearly, in the lack of housework, and not bothering to help save towards a car that would have a positive effect on your career.

I am assuming that the people who say "it's only a few fags" have plenty of disposable income. I can remember the times when one of us smoking would have completely wrecked our finances, and when wearing ill-fitting clothes wasn't some kind of wifely martyrdom on my part but a prerequisite for putting food into the mouth of my children. Dividing everything into joint and personal money doesn't actually help very much if there simply isn't enough of it.

Can't tell whether OP should leave her dp or not. But can completely understand why this may not seem a minor irritant.

Yanbu and you're not over reacting. He has little respect for you and has put you in a position where it's difficult to trust and respect him.

Yanbu if leave dh if he started smoking and vice versa. I find it awful, some other may disagree but they may not find the smell so offensive.

I don't think you're over reacting either. It's a horrible habit plus he's been lying.

This isn't about the smoking I'm guessing - it's about all the other issues. I wouldn't make it about smoking

If he was secretly over eating and spending same money on takeaways and hiding it - would u have the same reaction

Have you noticed he smells from smoking? TBH that would be the worst bit for me, and if you haven't noticed it then maybe he's not actually smoking that much?

There's no way I would live with someone who wanted to smoke in the house, even leaning out of windows etc the smell just gets everywhere.

But if it's just the odd cigarette here and there it wouldn't be a LTB for me, and I wouldn't see it as a really terrible lie that he hadnt told you, it would be more towards the minor end of the lying scale.

The biggest issue seems to be the money and the fact that you are making more financial sacrifices than him. What does he say when confronted with that point?

it sounds to me that there is a lot more going on than the smoking and lazyness. Why do you feel you can't spend money on clothes, if you've lost a lot of weight then new clothes are not an extravagance but a neccessity.
Your husband sounds very selfish but to be honest you sound like a bit of a martyr too.
For me it looks like the relationship is not working anyway regardless of the smoking.