To ask him to leave because of this?

[NotSayingImBatman]

DH and I have been together for eight years and have two DCs.

Around six months into our relationship, he announced that he'd quit smoking. This was news to me as I hadn't even realised he smoked in the first place. My DM smokes heavily and I lived at home so the smell wasn't obvious to me however I've never smoked myself and made it clear then that if I'd known he smoked at the start I wouldn't have started dating him.

I was putting his work trousers in the wash this morning and found a lighter in his pocket. Yup, he's started smoking again. I asked him why and he retorted that he's a grown man and doesn't have to explain himself to me.

I've been walking around in trousers that don't fit (recently lost a lot of weight) because I don't feel new clothes is something I can justify spending money on at the moment as other bills etc are taking priority and he's fucking smoking.

I feel completely betrayed and lied to. This is the icing on a very big cake as he also refuses to do housework or generally pick up after himself - hence me doing his laundry in the first place.

I've told him to leave. He's told me I'm ridiculous and can't afford the mortgage without him. I'm pretty certain I could and even if I couldn't, the DCs and I would find somewhere else without many issues. Besides that's hardly a reason to stay with a lazy deceitful cockwomble is it?

AIBU?

Oh and tbh not doing anything around the house would be enough for me to ltb.

Ah come on you can't compare spending money on smoking to downing money on buying clothes (to a pp not op), they are totally different, I'm all for you can spend your money on what you want but surely that doesn't apply to anything that impacts your health and is addictive.

Op this is obviously the straw that broke the camel's back I see that. I don't think yabu. Me and dh met as smokers, I gave up four years ago and he is vaping three years now but if he went back smoking then I would be disgusted and while I'm not saying I would leave I will say I wouldn't be staying with a smoker, if that makes sense

I feel very sorry for the children in this situation. Very little consideration has been made towards their needs in the conversation

You sound like a martyr, just because you won't spend any money on new clothes, he isn't allowed to spend anything either?

If you could pay the mortgage alone, unless your mortgage is £100 a month, you can clearly afford clothes.

I think you're over reacting/ your issue is not the smoking. Do you not have personal spending money? Do you never spend money on yourself, haircut/ colour, make up etc, if so why doesn't he get to spend some money...if you've not noticed he's smoking my guess is it's only 2-3 a day, so a pack a week? What's that - £7-8? Hardly worth ending a marriage over.

As to the lying, you've never ever lied about anything? Never concealed anything because you felt bad about it?...Smoking, like drinking/ over eating, is an addiction. A lot of people manage to cut down but not stop completely - or vape like my bf. If when he stopped smoking he said he'd vape instead (cost according to my bf is similar) would you have been happy with that if he'd told you? Or is that he spends any money at all what's upsetting you?

I'm an ex smoker and I'd react the same as you. I hate being lied to which would irritate me more than the smoking.

YANBU he sounds like a selfish arse in every way.

Laziness and unhelpfulness is very unattractive, and now while you are desperately trying to save much needed money he is casually sending the fivers up in smoke!

Surely you deserve better.

I'm very surprised you didn't realize he was smoking sooner though. Could you not smell it on him or notice the ashtray breath?

I agree with knaffed

Yanbu, it's not the actual smoking, it's the deceit.

He doesn't sound like he brings much to the table, if he spends money that is supposed to be going elsewhere, lies about it, dismisses you and and doesn't do housework.

No, I don't think you are overreacting. It sounds like the last straw.

Much as I dislike smoking I always struggle in situations like these to realise why you think your opinion is more valid than his? He is an adult and should be able to take the decision whether to smoke or not by himself.

I understand the financial side of it but it soumds like you are choosing not to buy clothes because of some misplaced spending guilt tha you are exp citing him to also carry.

Why can't you take his car and he can get public transport, given you're having to do nursery runs too?

The smoking.. Is your personal choice

If my Dh started smoking again I would be gutted but I wouldn't leave him for it

Everything else, kick him out. He doesn't respect you, he refuses to do housework and he has no respect with money

If smoking is something you can't handle, then yes you'll have to end it. I'm sorry that it's like this. ( Seen it in my parents lives. Quitting smoking is so hard) Sorry but ultimately you'll know if you can come to terms with it.

Or does he quite like making you feel trapped and stuck?

I don't know why I didn't notice. I don't even know how long he's been doing it as he doesn't have to tell me. Apparently it would be weird to make an announcement that he intended to take up smoking. I'm confused about why some people seem to think being able to afford the mortgage = being able to spend on new clothes. One is a priority, the other is nice to have.

I'm not a horrible bitch. He spends plenty of money on himself, he has the latest iPhone, a monthly subscription for an online game that he plays, his subscription to Apple Music, goes to the barbers whenever he needs/wants to.

Of course he can smoke if he wants to! Doesn't mean I have to stay with him whilst he does it.

I think it's a huge over reaction.

You are looking for an excuse.

Smoking would be enough to end it for me. Never mind the lying and deceit.

Meh, it would show a weakness of character to go back to something as damaging, unpleasant and expensive tbh. Teamed with his attitude and the deceit...unless I really loved him I'm not sure I would continue either.

You don't have to stay with him of course. Insisting someone can't smoke is very controlling so you're better off apart than in a controlling toxic relationship.

But you do have children. I would hope that someone wouldn't split up a family over smoking as the affects on the children are likely to be negative

I'd really resent him spending money on something that is damaging his health as well as wasting money. And now that you know, if you accept it and just get on with things, will he become more open? Will he start smoking in front of the children, setting them a bad example and filling their little lungs with filth? And I couldn't accept the lies or the laziness either.

If you did decide to leave, I don't think YABU.

Of course you are not overreacting. You can leave someone for any reason or none, we don't live in Saudi ffs.

I would want to know why he started again. Usually people start again because they are stressed. I never smoked but two of my sons do. One gave up four times but went back when stressed. He has given up now for a long time ( two years) and I hope he doesn't go back. Youngest started because girlfriend smoked. They have parted he still smokes and best friend smokes. She starts again when stressed. She is a nurse!

Otherwise,yes,it isn't a good idea but I don't think it is enough to disrupt your children's lives for. Only you know but I am guessing there is a lot more to this.