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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Thinking that she shouldn't have got so offended when I was talking about myself.

53 replies

Bluebel1 · 12/11/2016 14:52

In conversation with a friend yesterday I said that MY life would be easier and far less complicated if I were a single parent rather than a married one. I said that because at the minute that's how I feel. Life is pretty shit I'll be honest with you. Me and my dh are in a rut and I can't see a way out. Our youngest Dc is on the autism spectrum and whilst we would never ever change him we aren't coping. I explained in detail to my friend how I felt and the single parent comment was more an off the cuff remark which to be honest she knows me so should have known this. Instead she got in a big huff saying I've no idea how hard single parents have it and I'd never cope on my own. But in all fairness she doesn't know just how hard me and my dh have had these last few years. Well she does know but usually I'm not one to moan on about how hard things are but yesterday I needed an a shoulder to cry on.

My friend is a single parent but she's not a single parent in the sense that she does it all on her own with no help ie financial, practical from the father. Her ex is still very much involved in her kids lives and has them half the time. She gets financial emotional and practical support off her ex and her family. If she was genuinely struggling then maybe I could understand why she got so narky but imo she was well over the top. I may be being unreasonable but I was merely saying how my life would be if I were a single parent not how anyone else's life is.

OP posts:

Monkeyface26 · 12/11/2016 15:37

You're right that you would each get more downtime if you shared care but there is no way to be sure that would happen. It is not a good reason to split up.

If your DH decides (when he is your exDH) that he cannot manage your DS overnight, what would you do? He could move 100s of miles away for work, meet a new DP with children who cannot cope with your DS, have another baby with someone else, get a new partner whom you don't think is kind to your DS.....the possibilities are endless

If you are no longer DHs wife, his decisions about his life will be entirely his - and you cannot be sure that they will suit you. You could end up in a worse position than you are now. Is there no way to give each other more downtime while remaining married?

Be careful what you wish for.

Original poster

Bluebel1 · 12/11/2016 15:41

I think we are both just feel it desperate. I know couples with kids can find it hard to get alone time together but ours is none existent. I feel like I'm not me anymore and I think he feels similar.

OP posts:

JellyBelli · 12/11/2016 15:43

YANBU. Its not a competition, you are allowed to say how you feel, and you are supposed to be able to talk openly with close friends.
My life was harder before I left my Ex than it was as a single parent, and thats even though he didnt pay any child support.

Pineapplemilkshake · 12/11/2016 15:48

YABU. I say this as a former single parent.

Yes, the actual parenting part and day to day running of the house can be easier for some people as a single parent. I imagine this is what you meant.

However, it's all the other stuff which is part of single parenthood that is more difficult. For example relying on one income - what if you were to become ill? What if you lost your job and couldn't pay the rent/mortgage? How do you manage to go out/to evening appointments etc if there is only one of you in the house? What about the loneliness once DC are in bed and at the weekends? Isn't it difficult making major life decisions with only one adult? What about holidays - much harder to navigate airports alone with young kids, hiring car, trying to drive and navigate in strange countries etc!

Obviously your friend doesn't have all of these issues, but many of the points I have raised have been things that I have had to worry about in the past. It's pretty damn offensive to presume being a single parent is easy when you have no experience of it.

iniquity · 12/11/2016 15:52

Your friend should have listened to you without making it about her.
As for being a single parent in your situation. I don't think it would help you. I doubt your ex husband would have them every weekend if he can't cope now.
I think what you need is some respite. How old is your autistic child? Can he start going to a sen residential school?

Original poster

Bluebel1 · 12/11/2016 15:58

He's only six so I'd never send him away. If our family would help out every now and again so that me and dh could get a little time together that would help enormously but they're too wrapped up in their own lives.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 12/11/2016 16:00

I think you have a point op and I think being a single parent isn't always necessarily the hardest option.

For example, I have a friend whose a single mum...but she has heaps of family support. Grandparents on both side who regularly have her DC overnight and babysit. They also do school run so she can work and cover school holidays. She has lots of nights out and holidays on her own.

Conversely, I know people in couples who have no family support so never get a weekend or night off. I also know women who are married but get no help from their husbands so do everything themselves... Their husbands only seem to add to their work!

Anyway, point is, everyones situations are different.

Damelo · 12/11/2016 16:05

If you're starting to envy single parents then that should tell you your 'relationship' is not a real relationship.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/11/2016 16:05

I get where you're coming from, OP. Our son's autism diagnosis had a lot to do with our subsequent split. Ex just couldn't handle it very well. And I honestly can't say it's tougher on my own - I now only have one child to look after!

Original poster

Bluebel1 · 12/11/2016 16:07

I'm not envying single parents. I'm just saying some (like my friend) don't nexcesarily have it harder. But in not getting into the married/single parent debate my post wasn't meant to start that.

OP posts:

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/11/2016 16:07

Also didn't have anyone else to take DS so we didn't get any time together as a couple. It's very tough. I'm a big fan of Autism Daddy; he has some great suggestions for dads who are struggling with a diagnosis.

Original poster

Bluebel1 · 12/11/2016 16:10

Thanks. My husband is trying and don't get me wrong I struggle some days, but he's been so used to parenting a neurotypical child that was practically text book ie slept, was well behaved etc that he doesn't no what to do. We get no proper help from professionals and are just left to work things out on our own and some days neither of us knows what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluebel1 · 12/11/2016 16:13

We have family to take our Ds every now and again, they just don't. My mum and dad are still young (mid/late 50's) yet will only watch out Ds in an emergency. My sisters say they'll help but never do and my dh's parents both still work full time and when they're off they're jetting off everywhere (I don't blame them though)

OP posts:

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/11/2016 16:15

It is really tough. I think my ex had so many expectations and plans for DS and really struggled with accepting that some of these may never happen (we only have one child so I can imagine how difficult it is when you have an NT child to support as well). He's actually a little more willing to listen and learn now....but then he gets a break and I don't!

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/11/2016 16:19

Your posts really resonate. My mum often says she's not sure she'd be able to cope with DS (late seventies) and my sister makes a lot of promises but they usually fall through. If I could make any kind of suggestion, it would be to push for that time for you and DH, alone. We didn't have it and drifted. It's so important. Can you be a little tougher with requesting family help?

NotYoda · 12/11/2016 16:22

It's not a competition, and friends should not compete. They should listen. Sounds like she didn't want to.

Original poster

Bluebel1 · 12/11/2016 16:25

I suppose I don't really want family to have my Ds if they don't want to have him. I'm not good at asking for help usually but I've asked this year and it's never materialised. My mum and dad come to see my kids at least twice a week and they'll occasionally have them round for tea (i'm talking twice a year maybe) but they've made it clear they had me and my sisters young so it's there time to do what they want now and clearly that doesn't include babysitting. I'd never expect it or take advantage but it does make me sad when I know that they know how much me and my dh are struggling yet they they won't help.

OP posts:

Euripidesralph · 12/11/2016 16:27

Yanbu

Dh and I are in the process of splitting and the last couple of years have been brutal.....the impact of being so unhappy was so much worse than being a single parent as I now am

My ds is split from her dh 7 years ago and not once in the last few years would she have had a go for saying it might be easier without my dh ....she totally understood , she's been through hell and when I told her we were splitting she was nothing but supportive

Of course I find it hard now....it's down to me to run the house and the childcare and basically everything but at least now I don't also have an unhappy relationship

Honestly I can't bear those who bang the drum about who has it harder...walk a mile in each others shoes noone has it easy , we all have different challenges

Again my ds is is amazing she had children with different kinds of extra needs , I've been incredibly lucky and my boys are neurological and able bodied ....but I said this once and she laughed and said "Yes and yours are three years apart and under 4...your life is hardly a bloody picnic "

Women should support not play bollocks one up man's hip....so there we go I'm a single parent , have been in an unhappy (not abusive ) marriage....nothings been easy and frankly if I want to bitch I bloody well will

Whatever you decide op you're a strong woman who will handle it....but dump the friend

RhodaBorrocks · 12/11/2016 16:31

I'm a single parent and tbh what irks me more is people who moan on and on about how awful their other halves are and how they hate their loveless, sexless relationships but then say "Oh I couldn't possibly leave though - I need him (it's usually a him) for his income."

I hated my abusive, loveless relationship, so I left. No amount of money would have made me settle for that. And for me at least, being a single mum is a lot easier. When my XDP went completely NC after a few years it was even easier! I hate people who tell you "you wouldn't cope as a single parent" - people have said it to me not realising I AM one!

Charley50 · 12/11/2016 16:42

I think your friend wasn't being helpful. I also think that you might get a shock if you did split as you DH might choose not to cope and DS might find staying at his home difficult.
You and DH should find a way to start supporting each other more, and also finding time out. Have you got friends you can go and stay with occasionally while he looks after the kids, and vice versa?

DixieNormas · 12/11/2016 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreatFuckability · 12/11/2016 16:55

The feeling I'm getting is you think your life is worse than your friends. So, why isn't she allowed to feel the same? It works both ways.
If you think having a couple of nights a week to recharge makes up for doing everything alone, I think you're a bit deluded tbh.
I prefer my life now because my relationship was not a happy one, but its certainly not easier. And i say that as a parent to 2 children with ASD.

youarenotkiddingme · 12/11/2016 16:59

Being a single parent is hard.

I'm not one of those LP who receives maintence or who has any shared care. I do it all and my DS is autistic.

It's bloody hard.

But I know it would be even harder if I'd remained with his father and had to manage an unhappy relationship alongside it all.

I also see some LP friend and aquanitainces who have shared care, who go out once/twice a week.

I see exactly the same in friends and acquaintances who are in relationships.

I think the biggest question is whether if you and DH split you'd be happy not to be in the relationship and if that's worth trading for sleep? Or whether you can reevaluate and share the care more evenly whilst together. See if there's a way you can get a babysitter in (local services will have ones specialising in sn) and spend quality time together? Have you asked for a social care assessment to get some respite care?

Atenco · 12/11/2016 19:57

I was a single parent and it weren't so hard. Admittedly I only had one child and society was a lot more caring in those days, but personally anything is better than having an abusive or unsupportive partner.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/11/2016 20:05

blue Do you and DH get any time together to do non-parenting stuff? If there's one regret I have, it's not pushing for a little more alone time. It's especially hard with a child with ASD as a night away with relatives isn't as exciting as it might be for an NC child, and even if they did offer, you're bound to worry. Is there any way you can do this? Is DS in school so you could have lunch together occasionally?

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