AIBU to expect my BIL and SIL to join us for Christmas?

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My MIL had breast cancer and was treated a few years ago. This weekend we found out it had returned. Prognosis not known as yet but we presume treatment will start asap.

It was our turn to go to them for Christmas, with our two DDs. Obviously she will be in no shape to host the family this year so I immediately said we would have them to us.

Every year my BIL and SIL, with their teenage daughter, go to SIL's mum's on Christmas Day. Every single year, without fail. My inlaws say that it's not really a problem, but DH and I know that it's a sore point.

So, what with MIL having cancer and everything, I suggested they come to us for Christmas lunch. It would mean so much to MIL to have both sons and all three grandchildren together for Christmas. I've had a text this morning saying "we won't be coming for christmas because I have my granddad to look after".

She has her mother, two sisters and their families…her grandad is elderly, yes, and I understand that. My own grandmother is 94 and very frail. This may be her last Christmas. I've spoken to my mum about it and we have come to an arrangement. However, I think that for her to turn down lunch with us using the excuse of her grandad is extremely unfair on DH's mum.

They could come here for lunch and leave about 3pm (they're about 40 mins away from us) and still be back at home or her mother's by 4pm. Plenty of time left to be with her family.

I've told DH that he and his brother need to have a discussion about it. I'm not going to get into a text argument with her about it. I am doing this for MIL not any other reason. Being brutally honest, she's nice enough but she and the surly teenager are not easy company.

I don't want to create a family row over this, and that's the last think MIL and FIL would want, but I think her attitude stinks, and BIL also needs to assert himself in this situation and stand up to her.

So, AIBU‽ Thanks

Why aren't all the children of MIL making Christmas for her in her home? Surely that would be the nicer thing for MIL rather than traipsing elsewhere. She could still host in her own home - just other people putting in the cooking effort for once.

this. Or actually ask MIL what she^ would like to do.

She may not actually want to do anything, but stay at home.

YANBU! I see that you are trying to do a nice thing for MIL and that it would be nice if SIL and mainly BIL made a contribution of effort from their side too. If there is no particular ill feeling then it probably would be nice for MIL to have both her sons and DIL and grandchildren together for one Christmas. It does not have to be her last Christmas but it would be nice to have one. As much as I am not overly keen on my in laws I firmly believe the relationship to both sides needs to be equal about big things like Christmas etc.

Well maybe. But there are 364 other days in the year that you could get together as a family.

My DB refused a Christmas Day invite on what turned out to be his our widows father's last Christmas. Sometimes it is not just a day. He carries lots of guilt whilst TBH he was not to know, we knew he was ill just not how ill. It's your brother's decision (even if this is agreeing to do what is wife wants) all you can do is what is right for you.

You don't want to force anyone to do anything they don't want to do, so ... what are you trying to achieve? Your husbands brother is happy to spend each xmas with his wife's family. Your DH is ''cross'' but not enough to do anything about it. Maybe BILs take on this would be:

My mother is having chemo later in the year and my brother's wife is trying to make everyone get together as if it's mum's last xmas! Mum's quite happy with a quiet xmas at home this year (i don't think she's going to want to travel to SILs) but SIL has taken this upon herself to host it all and is dead set on it. My wife has declined by text and told her we're going to her folks as usual (we see her elderly grand-dad) but SIL is in a right strop about it.

No, I'm not really cross with her, just the situation. It does come across that way I realise: because it's her family it does sound like my issue is with her - it isn't.

I think it's because I like to share Christmas out between both sets of grandparents. And when I do host it, I invite both sides of the family - my parents and his, all the siblings etc.

Ha, I suppose 'hero mode' is right. It wasn't a conscious move, but I guess that's my default mode in difficult situations. The aim is to try to make the day nice for M&FiL - that's what I'll be concentrating on.

We did offer to go to her house and make Christmas there, but she would prefer to come out for a few hours and then head home to a quiet evening, she said!

Think the whole cancer news is still a bit raw and I'm making a bigger deal of it all than needs to be, in my own head!

Anyway, I've sent a very polite and nice message back to her now. Discussion over between she and I, unless H and BiL decide to discuss it between them (they won't!)

Thanks for the perspective and talking to :)

Hope you have a nice xmas OP.

You sound nice OP, very warm and considerate. Echoing Yonic, hope you have a lovely Christmas with your whole family.

I should add that MiL is a cracking fighter and very positive. None of us are thinking about it being her last Christmas, and there will be loads of other days together.

Thank you :)

Well maybe. But there are 364 other days in the year that you could get together as a family
And there are 364 days that sil can see her family, And so for bil anc sil have spend everyone with her family. It's one Christmas! Op isn't even asking for a whole day.

You sound lovely OP. There are not many DILS who would be so thoughtful and goodhearted as you. Some men subscribe to the 'happy wife, happy life' but I know at least one male friend who feels badly that he and his wife saw so little of his father in the final year of his father's life and left it all to his sister to deal with. He carries a lot of resentment against his wife for making it difficult for him to see his parents.
You are doing a good and kindhearted thing. Do not let other posters make you feel bad for thinking about your MIL.

It's just one day, what's going to be the outcome if you force the issue, a terrible atmosphere Christmas Day, your Mil won't thank you for that, there are twelve days of Christmas, yet people seem determined to row about some aspect of it, it's crazy. They aren't coming, leave it at that. Be nice. It's a lot easier all round. Wish her a Happy Christmas, and leave it