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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my BIL and SIL to join us for Christmas?

63 replies

Helliecopter · 12/11/2016 10:00

My MIL had breast cancer and was treated a few years ago. This weekend we found out it had returned. Prognosis not known as yet but we presume treatment will start asap.

It was our turn to go to them for Christmas, with our two DDs. Obviously she will be in no shape to host the family this year so I immediately said we would have them to us.

Every year my BIL and SIL, with their teenage daughter, go to SIL's mum's on Christmas Day. Every single year, without fail. My inlaws say that it's not really a problem, but DH and I know that it's a sore point.

So, what with MIL having cancer and everything, I suggested they come to us for Christmas lunch. It would mean so much to MIL to have both sons and all three grandchildren together for Christmas. I've had a text this morning saying "we won't be coming for christmas because I have my granddad to look after".

She has her mother, two sisters and their families…her grandad is elderly, yes, and I understand that. My own grandmother is 94 and very frail. This may be her last Christmas. I've spoken to my mum about it and we have come to an arrangement. However, I think that for her to turn down lunch with us using the excuse of her grandad is extremely unfair on DH's mum.

They could come here for lunch and leave about 3pm (they're about 40 mins away from us) and still be back at home or her mother's by 4pm. Plenty of time left to be with her family.

I've told DH that he and his brother need to have a discussion about it. I'm not going to get into a text argument with her about it. I am doing this for MIL not any other reason. Being brutally honest, she's nice enough but she and the surly teenager are not easy company.

I don't want to create a family row over this, and that's the last think MIL and FIL would want, but I think her attitude stinks, and BIL also needs to assert himself in this situation and stand up to her.

So, AIBU‽ Thanks

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 12/11/2016 10:54

My DB used to do this, every year he spent Christmas as his Mils. He never even popped in to see her on Christmas Day, it broke her heart.
Its too late now, as out DM is dead, but it still upsets me that he couldn't have spent one Christmas Day with her.

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2016 10:55

I also agree this isn't uour battle, so yes it's unreasonable, if they have other arrangements they have other arrangements, let it be.

NewIdeasToday · 12/11/2016 10:56

Sorry to hear about your MIL and hope her treatment is successful. Something to consider is that if she's in the middle of treatment by Christmas then a big family Christmas including BIL and his family may be just too much for her. Why not plan a nice family get together when she feels up to it?

Blu · 12/11/2016 10:57

Also did your MIL say she was in no position to host? Or did you arrive at the 'obviously ' without her?

My parents are in no position to do any of the work, but my siblings and I do all the shopping, decorating, bed linen, cooking, cleaning and go there because they are happiest in their own home and have the space.
No idea what your circumstances are, of course.

HearTheThunderRoar · 12/11/2016 10:58

YABU. It would be nice, however it's only Christmas, one day of the year.

For as long as I can remember (going back 30 years) DH and I (and later DD) either spent Christmas at home or at my Parent's (depending if my brothers were around, if Dh was working etc) because thats what suited us, my parent's lived much closer, they were much chill about Christmas and tbh we just preferred Christmas with them. But then PIL have always done their own thing with the rest of DH family for Christmas (DH family live over 1000 miles away from us) and we've never been invited.

And honestly I would be a bit Hmm if your SiL and BIL decided to have Christmas with your DH family just because your MIL was ill.

diddl · 12/11/2016 11:01

Have you actually invited your MIL & does she want to come to you?

As a pp said, helping her in her own home might be a better solution if needed.

Shakirasma · 12/11/2016 11:07

YABU I would be livid if my inlaws tried to organise my Christmas for me. There are lots of things to take into account when arranging how to juggle Christmas arrangements including Ill and elderly relatives on both sides, as well as family dynamics and expectations or important family traditions.

You offered an invitation, they have declined due to pre existing arrangements. That is no reflection on their feelings for your MIL and you shouldn't be judging them for it.

KC225 · 12/11/2016 11:07

I think you are getting a hard time on here OP. You are trying to do something nice for your MIL as you know she is about to undergo some horribly invasive treatment and you know she would enjoy having all her children around her on Christmas day. You have every right to be miffed.

I agree, you have offered an invitation and shouldn't get into a slanging match but maybe your DH could ask his brother to come over for just the lunch. If she is at her Mother's and with sisters and like maybe he would appreciate the break. Not everyone eats Christmas dinner at the same time. He can have a little bit at each. 40 minutes is not such a long drive. Hour and a half there and back, plus an hour half staying. Three hours out of a whole day is not so bad, especially as it's a one off. Perhaps DH could suggest the grandad coming to your place too.

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 12/11/2016 11:09

In the nicest possible was YABU.

Let whoever wants to come to you for Christmas come for Christmas and make it a nice normal Christmas.

The last thing your MIL needs is thinking everyone's gathering round as if it's the last Christmas she'll have, because there's every chance she'll be ok Flowers

diddl · 12/11/2016 11:14

"The last thing your MIL needs is thinking everyone's gathering round as if it's the last Christmas she'll have,"

I was wondering about this.

In some ways it should be about what she would like, but then if he never goes, would it look too obvious?

Why does he never go?

Perhaps they don't have such a good relationship?

TSSDNCOP · 12/11/2016 11:15

It sounds like you have swung into organisation fairy mode and expect everyone else to be thrilled with your proposal. SIL has her own priorities. Perhaps she realises that just because breast cancer has returned it isn't necessarily curtains yet for MIL, whereas her grandads situation is more immediate.

I do think you're BU. Also, and perhaps I'm reading too much into it, I get the feeling that you're looking at this as MIL's last Christmas. That's quite a lot of pressure to put on one day, just be careful you don't work the whole thing to such a fever pitch that any little road bump causes a disproportionate reaction.

expatinscotland · 12/11/2016 11:17

'Yeah, I don't intend to stir up trouble…that's not me at all. But I know my DH is cross about it.'

You need to keep your beak out. You do intend to stir up trouble by telling your husband needs to have a discussion with his brother about it. That's none of your business. That's meddling, interfering and unreasonable.

Wdigin2this · 12/11/2016 11:20

My advice back off out of it! It's not your problem, so you don't need to resolve it!

fakenamefornow · 12/11/2016 11:47

I feel for your mil, we have a very similar situation.

I'm an only child, dh parents are divorced and his dad is remarried, all get on well though and happy to be together at family gatherings, he has one brother. MIL and my mum come to us every Christmas, we also always invite FIL and wife who come about every four/five years, they live some distance away. BIL and his wife are also always invited but never come, they always spend Christmas just the two of them or with her family, they never invite mil or fil to spend Christmas with them.

FIL and his wife are coming to us this year, fil is very old and frail, I think this will be his last family Christmas. With this particularly in mind we have asked bil and his wife to come to us, fil has also asked them, as has mil. They say they can't come because they're busy, busy cooking Christmas lunch on their own, just the two of them. No family feud or anything going on, they just don't want to come.

It does piss me off that they won't give up one Christmas for his dad, reading your op, it seems that this is your gripe was well and I think yanbu.

stella23 · 12/11/2016 11:50

I don't think yabu at all, your sil on the surface sounds a bit selfish. No it wouldn't harm them to spend 1 measly Christmas with the other part of the family. Particularly as mil is ill.

But there nothing you can do about it, but it's sounds very un kind

holidaysaregreat · 12/11/2016 11:53

YABU it's one day. MIL might not even feel well enough to visit. Why not host the BIL/SIL on another day in between Christmas and New Year? It would be different if it was your parents and your sibling, but it's not your problem to sort out - the brothers need to sort it out.

holidaysaregreat · 12/11/2016 11:55

YABU as MIL may not even want a big dinner if she's having treatment. If it was your parents and siblings then fair enough. But the brothers really need to sort this one out. It's only one day - can't you host the BIL/SIL on a day between Christmas and New Year?

Scooby20 · 12/11/2016 11:56

I've told DH that he and his brother need to have a discussion about it.

Really? My dbro and sil never spend Christmas with my parents. If dh ever told me that I need to have a discussion with dbro about it I would laugh at him, tbh.

What my brother and his wife does is non of my business.

HanYOLO · 12/11/2016 12:16

Have a family get together another day?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/11/2016 12:25

If her grandad would be by himself unless she were there, then that would be unfair. Obviously we don't know the circumstances. I'd try to pick another day close by to get the family together for mil. We cannot make people do as we want however hard we wish we could.

thatdearoctopus · 12/11/2016 12:48

That is no reflection on their feelings for your MIL I think you'll find it is!

OP, I don't think YABU for feeling this way, I'd be pissed off too, but I don't think you're going to get anywhere in trying to make it happen. Clearly, in their family, your SIL's side take priority, and her weak excuse (in my opinion) for not coming to support your mil, speaks volumes. I think you're going to have to let them get on with it.

diddl · 12/11/2016 12:53

"and her weak excuse (in my opinion) for not coming to support your mil, speaks volumes."

What about her husband?

The actual son?

Why is it all SIL's fault?

Surely BIL could go alone to have lunch with MIL?

Cocklodger · 12/11/2016 12:55

Yes YABU. What they do is none of your business, and I'm not sure why you think BIL isn't 'standing up for himself' if it was that important to him he'd be there with or without SIL in tow.
If you've no reason to believe he's being controlled (other than him and his wife disagree with you on where to spend christmas) thats a very unreasonable assumption to make.

thatdearoctopus · 12/11/2016 13:03

What about her husband?

diddl, Because it was the SIL who the OP was in touch with, and who gave the excuse (about her grandfather).

diddl · 12/11/2016 13:49

" Because it was the SIL who the OP was in touch with, and who gave the excuse (about her grandfather)."

Yes, but that doesn't mean that BIL isn't OK with it or being forcibly stopped from seeing his mum if he wants to.

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