one sided story but is dh a t*sser?

[Tortington]

i get phone call friday telling me my nan is going to die ( she didn't it's fine) i travel 300 miles in a hurry taking 17 yo ds with me to see poorly gran.

on wednesday ds2 was in hospital because of stomach pains they gave him gavisgon and some wind tablets. i had a conversation with dh on wednesday telling him that i wanted ds to have some tests, that doctor after doctor pressing on his stomach was frankly not good enough considering it was been 4 weeks of pain for ds. dh agreed. i told dh he had to go to hospital on thursday becuase i had to work. i get phone call saying " he's home now alls fine" no tests asked for by dh.

i get back from dying nan scenario yeterday. i walk into the house and its a mess.

it's always a mess - his argument - it wasn't perfect before you left.

1. am i unreasonable to think that he should care enough considering the circumstances to create a tolerable living environment?

after 300 mile return journey, i walk into a freezing house. no gas. ( its a pre payment meter) i put the emergency gas on but can't get it to work.

i ask kids if heating has been on over weekend and they say no.

2. am i unreasonable to expect him to keep my fucking children warm?

so after walking into shithole freezing house i go to cupboard for something to eat as i didn't want to pay service station prices.

the 1/2 bottle of milk tasted dodgy to me - so no cereal for snack.

no bread in cupboard.

3. am i unreasonable to expect him to provide basic provisions.

his argument "he has no money becuase i took his card"

they had kebabs over weekend with no fucking money though.

dh went to work yesterday morning before the kids went to school.

ds decided he has stomach pains again ( surprise surprise) and stayed off school on his own say so.

4. am i unreasonable to be pissed off that ds still has stomach pains.

5. ( this is a tricky one - seriously) am i unreasonable to think that teenagers are irrisponsible and like toddlers but bigger and to expect dh to go into work late and make sure they actually get off to school?

we know son shouldn't have just decided to stay home. i can't help thinking that dh should have been there to see them off. it would have made him 1/2 hr late.

i'm not even pissed off. i'm upset that he doesn't give a shit enough to just put extra effort ( some fking effort) considering we are going to marriage guidence becuase things are shitty.

i'm seriously at the giving up stage. we didn't speak about it all evening - i was so angry i didn't talk to him at all. them i instigated a conversation when we went to bed.

5. am i unreasonable to be pissed off that i always start the communication in these sitations and that he hopes it will all just...go away...the next day.

during conversation in bed i was expressing the above. and twice he asked me "what are you saying? you want to end it? "

6. should i keep plodding or should i give some serious time considering my life chances alone. i do love him. 20 years is a long time. but i'm just so exhausted with it all.

its long - frantic - as usual and i am sorry that recently i am turning into one of those constantly needy posters. i do recognise that fact.

Sending you hugs {{{Custy}}} - I don't think you're being unreasonable. In fact I think you have plenty of reason to be unhappy at the moment - it was freezing this weekend - poor kids being in a cold house.

Sorry I can't help - but I'll be thinking of you and hope that things improve. Glad to hear that your Nan was okay in the end.

You have every right to be pissed off.

Not sure what to say really but i hope someone can reply soon.

You're the only one that can make the decision on your marriage, no one else can.

What do you want to do?? Can you imagine living another 5 years like you have??

I hope you get it sorted one way or the other.

((hugs))

Fatttso has a good point - can you see yourself living like this for the forseable future? If it doesn't sound appealing then you have some serious thinking to do. Unfortunately you are the only one who can make this decision. Bearing in mind that our dh seldom change...

1. No

2. No

3. No

4. Not sure - he might be faking and wanting attention. If you've been having problems with DH, he might be feeling insecure

5. Tricky one. Many men are like this. Does he engage with the issues after you start them or does he fudge?

6. Well only you know that honey. Giving it some serious consideration couldn't hurt. Go to CAB and see what your options are.

Don't feel guilty about posting. That's what we're here for. x

Sorry for the crap at the minute. Sometimes life is a big steamy pile of shite.

I think you are perfectly right to feel the way you do. Yes he is being unreasonable.

They are his sons too & it wouldn't have done him any harm being a little late for work. [would it?]

Why hadn't he got more gas when you were away?

Or bought a pint of milk & a loaf? What were they surviving on?

The house would have been the same way I left it when I came back I'm afraid, because although dh feeds & dresses etc.. he won't clean.

Do you want to take a break & see what happens? I know it sounds drastic right now, but at the minute, another child is the last thing you need.

If he's not a tosser then he's doing a pretty good impression of one just now.

Is it that this is how he normally behaves, and it's bothering you more now because you have extra stress to deal with? Or is this out of character?

Is he in a rut and taking you forgranted, and can't see that he should have provided food and gas?

Does he want to make it work? Do you? Would he consider Relate?

Sorry you are having such a crap time custardo You are not being unreasonable at all. Sorry I can't be much more help, I'm sure someone with better advice willbe along soon.

we are at relate - went last night, it was horrible we argued [irony]. he is at anger management as well.

You're not a needy poster. I can only base my answers on what I'd expect/get from my dh but

it's always a mess - his argument - it wasn't perfect before you left.

1. We have a cleaner but dh would have kept it reasonable too

The house wouldn't have been freezing, no.

Heating would have been on over weekend/

2. am i unreasonable to expect him to keep my fucking children warm?

NO YOU'RE NOT

3. am i unreasonable to expect him to provide basic provisions.

There would have been food in our house, dh would have sorted it out

Did he really have NO access to cash?

4. am i unreasonable to be pissed off that ds still has stomach pains.

It is unreasonable that you have to come back and sort it out because your dh didn't depite being asked to

5. ( this is a tricky one - seriously) am i unreasonable to think that teenagers are irrisponsible and like toddlers but bigger and to expect dh to go into work late and make sure they actually get off to school?

No experience of teenagers but I think they should both be bollocked for this

I'd be pissed off at the lack of effort too.

5. am i unreasonable to be pissed off that i always start the communication in these sitations and that he hopes it will all just...go away...the next day.

No, he has to take some responsibility

6. should i keep plodding or should i give some serious time considering my life chances alone. i do love him. 20 years is a long time. but i'm just so exhausted with it all.

Keep plodding, bring this up at marriage guidance, he needs to listen and wake up and smell the fucking coffee imo.

My exH was a t*er really was. I used to work part time, sometimes i had to work saturdays till about 4pm i think. Well i'd come home and find that he hadn't feed my kids all day, sat in his office playing music and going on the internet. Bearing in mind my kids were only 5 and 6 at the time!! I was livid to say the least.

I had to do everything he wouldn't do anything apart from cook for himself (his excuse was oh they don't eat what i eat). I do understand i really do. Not saying my ex is like your dh, but it comes to a point where the marriage isn't worth fixing, but then that's just my situation.

I left him and i've never been happier, my confidence has gone up so much i feel like a different person. He's now stating his undying love to me by text message he can't get over the break up but that;s his fault.

Hope you make the righ decision. Pur yourself first. But don't rush.

Bloody hell Custy - it never rains but it pours.
That was a piss poor effort on your DH's behalf. Really crap. You deserve alot better than that on your return home. Sadly, I think along with most of the male species he probably needed specific instructions (as if he were in fact still 7 years old).

Do you have any littleuns' Custy?

Maybe make the plans to cut loose when your kids do to?

1. definitely not unreasonable. DH should have made the extra effort
2. absolutely definitely not. I would have been livid about the heating - it's just damn lazy
3. again, not unreasonable. does he expect the provisions to buy themselves and somehow magically be there when necessary
4. Unreasonable - if he is in pain, it's not his fault really
5. Difficult one - sounds like communication is up the shitter (sorry). Apportioning blame in these sorts of situations is never constructive.
6. Only you can answer this one.

Perhaps you need to write down the list for him. If he saw it in the written form, he might be more inclined to really take on board your frustration instead of him feeling as if you are "getting at him".

FWIW I know how you feel - I was like this a few years ago. I kept a sort of diary for a few weeks of who did what and then sent it to DH. It shocked him senseless and gave him the impetus to work a bit smarter and improve things.

No you're not unreasonable - not on any of the issues.

On the household front, no problem with partners having different roles in the house but I believe everyone should be able and prepared to do anything. And I mean anything. This is important so that kids don't suffer and so that at least one worry is lifted from the other's shoulders.

So yeah, he should have taken over whatever you couldn't do cos you weren't there and he should have done it properly for your sake. He just wants to be looked after like a child without contributing care in return. Or is that too harsh?

As for the relationship, it seems to me that men often don't want to talk in case they hear something they don't want to hear. They also don't take concerns seriously unless accompanied by temper or tears. My dh doesn't anyway, though that probably isn't your problem. I don't know what to suggest. All I know is that personally I dread retirement. Some time away thankfully but an elderly friend of mine made me realise that thinga have to be sorted well in advance

How is your ds now? My dh has just had on-going stomach pains but Gaviscon seesm to have done the trick, though it took a week or two.

1. wouldn't bother me about mess.

2. he's in the wrong.

3. he's wrong.

4. he should have insisted ds had tests. If he'd been tested you'd at least know whether or not there is a genuine problem.

5. no, think ds should get himself to school. Re stomach pains - has ds got a problem at school?

custy

you have nothing to feel guilty about and you are not being unreasonable.

IMO you are one of the posters on here who gives the most common sense and to the point advice, so what I would suggest is

read back your op and imagine that it was written by another poster.

what advice would you give to that poster?

Not unreasonable at all.
Your'e probably more patient than me, I would have lost it big time with my dp and have done in the past. After the rotten few days that you had he should have been there keeping everything ticking over at thome.

Everyone expects mums to be Wonderwoman and all power to those of you that are, I am but occasionally, it would be nice for the men to take thr reins in times of need, They were only basic and natural requirements for him to do, it should have been a natural progress of tasks, to keep the kids warm, adequate food in the house and tidy the house e.t.c.
With the relationship, only you can decide on what you want to do.

Oh custy

This is a bit of a side issue to main post (IMO he's totally in wrong and you need some support)
My son had adolescent migraine, all in his stomach. He was allergic to caffeine and cheese both of which he adored.
Worth investigating?

things have been so bad - i got the tenacy in my name only so i could kick him out if need be.

we go to relate
he goes to anger management.
i got him to sit down - write out all the finances what is is which bank account who pays what ( we have seperate accounts. indeed my account is in my maiden name) so that if we split up i would know where we are up to.

so serious, serious shit - shit that one would think would make someone actually give a shit.

i'm thinking maybe he wants out - he just hasn't got the balls and wants to make it my decision - ergo my fault.

Not sure what else to suggest Custy.

You say you end up arguing at relate - does the counsellor have any insight into how to resolve your issues.

I never advocate giving up on MN - because I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Would it be possible for you two to spend some time together without the children and stresses of life - a few days can make everything seem different?

1. You're not unresonable as sunch to want it to be clean buit maybe you are unrealistic to expect it. My house is always really tidy cos I never stop picking shit up. The minute I stop the house looks liek a bomb has hit it. If i go out for the day when i come back DP will beon the internet or something surrounded in dirty plates. I just accept that he doesn't jump up and clean and tidy like I do. He'll do it but in hiw own time.

2. Definately not unresonable for keeping kids warm. Bit mad of him. Then again my dad's house is always really cold, he just doesn't notice it, he lieks it that way. Annoying of your DH but not really the end of th world, I'm sure the kids were ok weren't they?

3. of course he should provide basic provisions. He's therir dad, it was his job to care for them. However did he really have no money at all? How did they get the kebabs? Not sure about this one but sounds like he was being very lazy tbh.

4. you should be pissed off that DS has stomach pains but not at your DH. He did take him to the hospital/doctor, but he was fobbed off. Lots of men would have thought, oj ok, Gp says X so he must be right.

5. Think DH should have gone in late that day to be fair but he just didn't think this through and wsa probbaly the action of a slightly selfish man to think of making sure he wasn't late for work rather than making sure his son got off to school ok.

6. Give it a while. You've just started marriage guidance have you? How long has he been doing anger management?

PS - You're so not a 'needy poster', your Custardo, much loved and respected and we are all pleased your talking things through and all want to offer support where it may be needed.

I hope things get better soon.

Life is one hard bastard sometimes aye.

oh custy, this sounds bad. You sound hacked off & at the end of your tether.
Do you think your DH still loves you? Do you still love him?

yes i think so. its simply not enough.

No on its own its not, but it should suggest a degree of willingness to sort it out & not send 20 years disappearing down the drain of broken marriages.
You obviously still give a toss, because you are angry - does he?