one sided story but is dh a t*sser?

[Tortington]

i get phone call friday telling me my nan is going to die ( she didn't it's fine) i travel 300 miles in a hurry taking 17 yo ds with me to see poorly gran.

on wednesday ds2 was in hospital because of stomach pains they gave him gavisgon and some wind tablets. i had a conversation with dh on wednesday telling him that i wanted ds to have some tests, that doctor after doctor pressing on his stomach was frankly not good enough considering it was been 4 weeks of pain for ds. dh agreed. i told dh he had to go to hospital on thursday becuase i had to work. i get phone call saying " he's home now alls fine" no tests asked for by dh.

i get back from dying nan scenario yeterday. i walk into the house and its a mess.

it's always a mess - his argument - it wasn't perfect before you left.

1. am i unreasonable to think that he should care enough considering the circumstances to create a tolerable living environment?

after 300 mile return journey, i walk into a freezing house. no gas. ( its a pre payment meter) i put the emergency gas on but can't get it to work.

i ask kids if heating has been on over weekend and they say no.

2. am i unreasonable to expect him to keep my fucking children warm?

so after walking into shithole freezing house i go to cupboard for something to eat as i didn't want to pay service station prices.

the 1/2 bottle of milk tasted dodgy to me - so no cereal for snack.

no bread in cupboard.

3. am i unreasonable to expect him to provide basic provisions.

his argument "he has no money becuase i took his card"

they had kebabs over weekend with no fucking money though.

dh went to work yesterday morning before the kids went to school.

ds decided he has stomach pains again ( surprise surprise) and stayed off school on his own say so.

4. am i unreasonable to be pissed off that ds still has stomach pains.

5. ( this is a tricky one - seriously) am i unreasonable to think that teenagers are irrisponsible and like toddlers but bigger and to expect dh to go into work late and make sure they actually get off to school?

we know son shouldn't have just decided to stay home. i can't help thinking that dh should have been there to see them off. it would have made him 1/2 hr late.

i'm not even pissed off. i'm upset that he doesn't give a shit enough to just put extra effort ( some fking effort) considering we are going to marriage guidence becuase things are shitty.

i'm seriously at the giving up stage. we didn't speak about it all evening - i was so angry i didn't talk to him at all. them i instigated a conversation when we went to bed.

5. am i unreasonable to be pissed off that i always start the communication in these sitations and that he hopes it will all just...go away...the next day.

during conversation in bed i was expressing the above. and twice he asked me "what are you saying? you want to end it? "

6. should i keep plodding or should i give some serious time considering my life chances alone. i do love him. 20 years is a long time. but i'm just so exhausted with it all.

its long - frantic - as usual and i am sorry that recently i am turning into one of those constantly needy posters. i do recognise that fact.

Custy I'm so sorry you are going through this shit. You are not a needy poster any more than the hundreds of people you have taken time to give caring advice to over the years. You deserve some support.

You are so exasperated, and rightly so. I think for a lot of your marriage you have been almost like a single parent, your DH is one of those men who sometimes resembles an extra child. All the same I do know you love him, I have seen you together and it's obvious you love each other. Your DH is one of those people who doesn't take responsibility, doesn't face up to facts, is weak about confrontation. These characterisitics can seem like harmless gentle bumbling, but not if you have to live with it, because it heaps all the responsibility on you.

That's what's so hard, I know you don't want to kick your DH out because he's not a bad person at all, but you are not getting any support and he is not as grown-up as he should be at his age.

Please please keep on with Relate, yes it is tough, but a third party might be able to get him to see that he needs to grow up and take more family responsibility. Because I think that is all you want really isn't it? And you have waited long enough for it.

Does he realise how totally fucked off you are?
Very very very similar issues with my dp, and it wasnt until I said Ive had enough and you need to go that he realised what an incompetant fuck he had been.
Now much more pleasurable to live with. Hes giving me a thought, sometimes. IYKWIM.
And instead of throwing a brick in the works, hes trying to keep things peaceful.
But although I had been saying, ive had enough, for months, it wasnt until he realised he had nowhere to go and he was throwing away a not-too-bad life with me that he got his finger out and started to act more human like.

thats just it charlie cat. i left for a couple of weeks i didn't get to the brink - i went. then for financial reasons and logistics and accomodation i came home. changed the tenancy becuase i'm not doing that again - he can fuck off and try and find somewhere to live.

dy'a know what i mean? minimum effort and i've fucking had enough.

today he took the bins out. usually i have to ask of remind. but its like he's doing ME the favour. not me mate - believe me the highlight of my day aint when you take the bins out.

i got past the 'oh if he loved me he would......" stage about 15 years ago. i tell it straight up.

i dont whimper becuse my dh forgot my birthday - believe me everyone knows when it my birthday.

last week i said - valentines next week. i wasn't gonna say owt - but considering your large twattishness recently i thought i would tell you i am expectig something with thought. and ringing a restaurant aint gonna cut in in the thought stakes. " erm hello table for two" thats not thought." -
especially when i would have to fuckin drive probably becuase hes a new driver.

i KNow he's not planned anything. i dont usually give a shit i dont. but this year some effort wouldnt of gon amiss considering.

i guess what i'm saying is - considering the marriage has gone through and is where it is - you'd kinda expect a bit of effort.

well i would.

thing is becuase i'm depressed generally about where my life is at...which is erm...nowhere really, suddenly its all my fault for being over emotional.

i'm just pissed off i worked my arse off my arse - i'm 34 and trapped in a shit job, a crap marriage and i just feel trapped. i know life is shit - i dont expect rainbows everyday - just sme nice bits now and again. i just havent had the nice bits for ages.

Ok, Ive just read that and thought, it sounds like its too late, hes took the bin out, without a reminder and its still not good enough.
I dont think you have any tether left. And I hope he gets his finger out and does something nice for you for valentines.
(

I would prefer a cuppa tea without the sentence "I didnt make you one because I thought you wouldnt want one" preceding it. rather that a VDay pressie!)

Crossed posts with your 2nd bit. No effort since you returned? How was he whilst you were gone?

In custy style (because I have read your posts and know you can take it)

What will happen if you lay it on the line and bin him?

Either he will make the effort and work on what you have got or take you up on it.

Either way youd be better off than him staying and not making the effort which would be the alternative.

Blimey Custy, I don't think I've ever heard you so down.
You've achieved so much. You are not trapped, you just feel that way right now. Depression is shit & drags us down into apathy & self-criticism.
Unsure what to say because I'm a southern softy middle class fluffy bird & I can just imagine you thinking "shut up Bugsy, you talk such pants"! Or probably something far more robust!!!!
Anyhow, vent away on here. You know loads of us think you are fab & will listen & give you sympathy or advice, if we can.

So sorry to read this. Your advice on here always hits the spot - you sound so sorted to me.

Nothing clever to advise - just that I hope things get better soon.

You sound like someone who makes good decisions - I'm sure whatever you decide will work.

Fuck me, Custy. If I didn't know otherwise I'd swear you were me. Empathise totally. You are not unreasonable - he is a tosser and, in true tosser fashion, will never admit (even to himself) that he is. My DH does the same 'You know where the door is' routine if I have the audacity to pipe up. But, like you (from the sound of it) I fight fire with fire. Keep going. It may exhaust you and you will know when you've had enough but don't ever let him rest. He's like a child pushing to see how far he can go and should be let away with nothing.

I do feel for you, really. It's like swimming against the current the whole time and it wears you down. Keep your spirit and ignore his childishness.

just been reading all the posts, esp last one from grumpyoldhorsewoman, it all really rings true with me as well. i'm quite new on here and it's nice to find it's not just my dh!
i think they all wish they were still little children, i get the routine of 'do you want it to finish' if i question anything as well, and all the other stuff mentioned on here.
custardo is reasonable on all the points made, but what's reasonable and what you can expect from a man are not the same. i think they need step-by-step instructions or a list, and then they feel a need to tell you you're controlling or nagging when you give them said instructions/list!

I think the important thing to ask yourself is that if nothing changes, how are you going to be feeling in 20 years time. The thought of waking up in 20 years time with my miserable ex, made me feel physically sick. If you think that despite all this crap, you'd still love him, then hopefully relate will work some magic for you. For me the love had gone, so my decision was relatively easy. Only you know where you're up to, but life is too short to spend it feeling miserable and fed up and put upon. You deserve some happiness, care and consideration too.