Messy divorce or still hung up over his ex?

[GeordieBadgers]

My DP (of 9 months) is going through a divorce at the moment. They split up March 2015. He has one DD6. I have 2DC (6&4). Everyone gets on like a house. Really nice family atmosphere. My problem is that his ex is constantly a part of our lives (I'm talking, daily). If he's not mentioning her, he's texting her over dinner (while we're actually sitting in a restaurant) and her stuff is still all over his home. Her underwear is here. Her dresses are here. Her cosmetics are here. Sometimes he even encourages me to use them. Just this morning he was hunting through her dresses commenting about which ones would suit me and telling me to wear them. Even pulling out thongs and swimming suits.

Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel like an accessory to his life, like he would have her back in a heartbeat (but she doesn't want to be with him anymore). Now, please bare in mind, I have borderline personality disorder and am apt to easily feel abandoned so that might be one reason why I'm feeling scared. I also have issues with my weight (major problems with over-eating, starvation, body perception) so bare that in mind.

Here's the spiel:

I've met his ex once. She seems bland but skinny. Completely different body type to me: willowy, taller than me, small frame. Even if I starved myself for weeks I'd never be able to mimic it. So on this ground, I feel a disappointment/downgrade. Today he called her "beautiful and slim".

Next thing: He's in court quite often. AFAIK his ex has filed for a non-molestation order and an occupation order. He says this is because she's poor (she is) and wants his money/house. He has showed me witness statements written by her and I noticed in them she accuses him of harrassing her and states that he keeps asking for her to return to him ("Are you fed up with independent living and ready to come home?"). He denies saying this.

She has phoned the police on him a few times. Once because he bumped into her in town and she thought he was stalking her. Other times because he parks on her street (he claims this is because the location is handy and city centre parking is otherwise difficult). They are constantly bickering over numerous things: childcare arrangements, stealing their kid's clothes from each other.

Another thing that triggered me recently (TMI): He likes blowjobs (which man doesn't?) but I find it difficult to deliver them because he has A LOT of precum (I gag). When I explained this, he said his ex didn't have a problem with it. So now I feel as though I am letting him down there.

My own divorce is not messy. My ex and I are amicable, so all this bitterness is new to me.

My question is: AIBU to feel uneasy? Is all this normal proceedings for a divorce?

Why would anyone take the chance of being pregnant by someone they've known 9 months, anyway - let alone someone who rings as many alarm bells as this one?!

Pray that you aren't pregnant, OP - make sure you don't GET pregnant - and get away from this idiot. Even if you don't feel you should do that for yourself, you should certainly do it for your children.

So, hang on. You moved your children into someone's house who you've known for 9 months? Is that right?

And it's filled with his ex's stuff?

What are you doing?? Get out. As soon as possible.

I understand that it's hard to see the situation clearly because of your BPD but your partner has major issues! Please get away from him. His ex has accused him of harassment and he's still texting her regularly, keeping her stuff, telling you to wear her clothes! That's creepy as fuck. He's obviously obsessed.

Look into your options. Do you live with him and if so is there anywhere else you can stay? Regarding your possible pregnancy is it too late to use emergency contraception? ellaOne has to be taken within 120 hours (five days) of sex. The IUD can be inserted into your uterus up to five days after unprotected sex. You want to avoid a longterm link with this disturbed individual if at all possible. Are you getting treatment for your BPD? Please seek help and don't stay in this unhealthy situation.

nanny no I didn't move my children in. They live with their dad. I get them twice a week. They actually love it here and love his DD. They are one reason why I've stuck it out this long.

Are you the poster who's started multiple threads about how much you hate being a mother?

What the actual fuck are you playing at by trying to get pregnant again, and with this man? Take some responsibility. Stop making your life any harder for yourself than it already is.

God run and keep running!

None of this is normal or anywhere in the region of ok. He sounds obsessed with her and like he is trying to turn you into her. It's also not normal to be tipping a can of Coke over people but I think you know that. My best friend has BPD so I know a bit about that and this situation is really not a manifestation of your BPD, it sounds totally unhealthy and quite creepy.

Red flags all over the place but I agree with others - why are her clothes still there? Did she need to leave in a hurry? Was she unsafe?

Run

• They actually love it here and love his DD. They are one reason why I've stuck it out this long.

Far better for you to be in a healthy relationship for them, they'll make other friends

saucyjack this post from op?

GeordieBadgers Mon 29-Aug-16 13:34:12
I've never enjoyed parenting. I have DD6 and DS4. When DD was born I got PND. Even though I no longer have PND I find parenting both dull and stressful. Stressful because of the unpredictable nature of it. Silk because it's tedious. I cannot summon up enthusiasm for logo or looking at pebbles at the beach. I find the day totally drags when I'm trying to entertain the kids. I feel irritable and exhausted as the day goes on. No doubt I have anxiety issues which make parenting even harder.

I love my kids and would die for them. Miss them when we're apart. But I find spending time with them is not enjoyable. I feel guilty and freakish for feeling this way. 6 years of parenting and I've always felt this way.

What the heck should I do?

GeordieBadgers

I'm a single mum. I'll positively FIGHT not to have my kids for any longer than I must. I love them to death and would take a bullet for them, but MY GOD do I find parenting boring. The thought of spending a day alone with them fills me with dread as I don't know how to entertain them. They are 4 and 6.

Most parents love spending time with their children but I don't. I feel like I must be a horrible human being. No one understands how a mother cannot want to see her children. Truth is I feel too boring for them.

I think it might be wise to consider contraception given these two separate posts. I don't think your in a place emotionally to be having a baby to care for especially with someone so controlling

I'm so disturbed by the 'actively trying to get you pregnant'! Have you no option then? Please do NOT get pregnant (if not already) and if you are ten seriously consider continuing with it.
You do not need to be tied to this weirdo for the rest of your life.
Please, please listen to everyone who has told you to run, far away from him. He actually sounds unhinged in a 'sleeping with the enemy' kid of way

In view of what you have posted here and previously:

Leave this man.

Get sterilised.

Get extensive help.

Save up so that your children can also get the extensive help they will also need when they grow up.

You're not with him for the sake of your children, but because he distracts you from them.

I am speechless. & thats a first

There are some horribly harsh posts here and I doubt they are going to help you OP. What is abundantly clear is your relationship is crap, who cares if he is lovely sometimes - if he makes you feel small or uncertain or insecure even some of the time then sack it off. His words and actions are vile, and yes he wants his life with his ex back. Throwing a drink on someone is not a normal adult response either and sounds like you're very unhappy and need to make some changes. Start with getting rid of that excuse of a boyfriend and seeking some counselling to restore self esteem and impulse control and self confidence?

You might be able to get a coil fitted as emergency contraception depending on when you DTD.
Might save some difficult decisions down the line.

Wow some of the suggestions above are pretty harsh
I think you know yourself that this isn't right OP, you may have anxiety issues etc but your gut instinct is clearly telling you something is not right.

Inthekitchensink - couldn't have said it any better

You and your kids deserve better. He clearly is hung up on her otherwise he would have got rid of her stuff. He also has no respect for you suggesting that you might want to wear her clothes. Would you treat him the same way?

He also sounds, frankly, unhinged. He is not a keeper.

I know it is hard to end a relationship but this will end in tears sooner or later. Take control and plan your exit before you have to run with nothing.

Can people not be so harsh the OP has a disorder.

OP please remove yourself from this guy. He's obsessed with his ex and you deserve someone better. He's not normal.

I've only read the first couple of posts...if this is actually true then leave and re-read your OP many times as if it was your mate/sister/brother/child/parent/anyone you care about and say WTF!!?

Honestly this man needs to cease to exist in anyone's life

Maybe talk to his ex and find out the story behind this behaviour. My guess is she will tell you to run for the hills and never look back.

Get away now. I'd hazard you don't have BPD either, you've probably got a history of being abused and developed issues from this. Get the hell away from this man. He's triangulating you, he's abused his ex, you are not safe here...

You'll be fine though, homestly! Get out, get therapy and do nice things :) xx

I've just read the whole thread. Op, please use this as a wake up call. Get help.

You do not need controlling and dangerous men to define and keep your life in some kind of predictable state, you need to work out how to do it for yourself.

Massive red flags here:

The ex left without all of her belongings (sounds like an act of desperation)

He is 'actively trying to get you pregnant'