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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messy divorce or still hung up over his ex?

74 replies

GeordieBadgers · 11/11/2016 14:48

My DP (of 9 months) is going through a divorce at the moment. They split up March 2015. He has one DD6. I have 2DC (6&4). Everyone gets on like a house. Really nice family atmosphere. My problem is that his ex is constantly a part of our lives (I'm talking, daily). If he's not mentioning her, he's texting her over dinner (while we're actually sitting in a restaurant) and her stuff is still all over his home. Her underwear is here. Her dresses are here. Her cosmetics are here. Sometimes he even encourages me to use them. Just this morning he was hunting through her dresses commenting about which ones would suit me and telling me to wear them. Even pulling out thongs and swimming suits.

Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel like an accessory to his life, like he would have her back in a heartbeat (but she doesn't want to be with him anymore). Now, please bare in mind, I have borderline personality disorder and am apt to easily feel abandoned so that might be one reason why I'm feeling scared. I also have issues with my weight (major problems with over-eating, starvation, body perception) so bare that in mind.

Here's the spiel:

I've met his ex once. She seems bland but skinny. Completely different body type to me: willowy, taller than me, small frame. Even if I starved myself for weeks I'd never be able to mimic it. So on this ground, I feel a disappointment/downgrade. Today he called her "beautiful and slim".

Next thing: He's in court quite often. AFAIK his ex has filed for a non-molestation order and an occupation order. He says this is because she's poor (she is) and wants his money/house. He has showed me witness statements written by her and I noticed in them she accuses him of harrassing her and states that he keeps asking for her to return to him ("Are you fed up with independent living and ready to come home?"). He denies saying this.

She has phoned the police on him a few times. Once because he bumped into her in town and she thought he was stalking her. Other times because he parks on her street (he claims this is because the location is handy and city centre parking is otherwise difficult). They are constantly bickering over numerous things: childcare arrangements, stealing their kid's clothes from each other.

Another thing that triggered me recently (TMI): He likes blowjobs (which man doesn't?) but I find it difficult to deliver them because he has A LOT of precum (I gag). When I explained this, he said his ex didn't have a problem with it. So now I feel as though I am letting him down there.

My own divorce is not messy. My ex and I are amicable, so all this bitterness is new to me.

My question is: AIBU to feel uneasy? Is all this normal proceedings for a divorce?

OP posts:
thisisafakename · 11/11/2016 15:53

When he said she was beautiful and slim I instinctively poured a can of coke over him. Then he threw me out the house and said I need to see a doctor because I'm a psycho

Jesus Christ. I hope to god that you are not pregnant. Your relationship is already showing disturbing signs that may spill over into violence (from either side). The fact that his ex has applied for a non-mol does not bode well. By the way, getting a non-mol has nothing to do with money. So the likelihood is that she has applied for it because she feels she needs it.

Bringing another child into this car-crash would be a disaster.

Trifleorbust · 11/11/2016 15:55

And you don't need to try to get inside his head and 'explain' this behaviour. It is unhealthy and unacceptable, potentially dangerous, and that's all you need to know. You have children - don't put them in the situation where this lecherous, lying stalker is a permanent feature in their lives.

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 11/11/2016 16:04

Thanks everyone. The truth hurts Sad

I'll know if I'm pregnant in a week or so.

OP posts:
HeavyMetalMummy · 11/11/2016 16:05

He isn't over her, in fact from the sounds of things he is obsessed with her. You my sweet, are being used, I'm sorry for being blunt. Everything you have said reads play for play like a control freak who doesn't handle rejection or indeed independence in others well. Trying to get you pregnant is a way of trying to ensure you don't leave him and comparing you to his ex and pointing out your supposed failings is an attempt to lower your self confidence and make you think your lucky to have him. And trying to get you into her clothes and to wear her cosmetics.....well that just reminds me of an episode of Criminal Minds where a guy kidnaps women, dresses them in his dead babysitters clothes and makeup and makes them read him a bed time story in a dungeon. This is not good for you, or your children and even if you are pregnant that is still no reason to hang about.

Fidelia · 11/11/2016 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Halloweensnake · 11/11/2016 16:10

Bloody hell....take some time alone to think...your instincts will not let you down...listen to them x.oh and good luck

WatchingFromTheWings · 11/11/2016 16:15

I'm creeped out by him just from reading your op. The fact that his ex appears to have left with just the clothes on her back should set alarm bells ringing. I'd get the hell out of there. Fast.

hotwater · 11/11/2016 16:21

This reads like the start of a creepy channel five movie.
Run like the wind.

Mom2Monkeys · 11/11/2016 16:31

Most of the things you have mentioned are really bad signs. Definitey do not plan on having children with him and you should leave him. You have your on children to think about.

I would be inclined to believe what you read in the divorce papers about his ex feeling that she is being stalked and the comments he's supposedly made. On some level, there is bound to be some truth in it, for her to bother asserting that claim. Also, his weird behaviour with you suggests its probably likely. He will OF COURSE lie to you and say that it's rubbish - he's unlikely to say - "oh yes, I did tell her I wanted her back", is he?!

The comments he's made about her body are insensitive at best and bordering on emotional abuse at worst - as he knows you have body-image issues.

Getting you to wear her clothes and handbags, etc - i had a boyfriend who did this once and I learned eventually that he had zero respect for any other person except himself, and zero ability to empathise or see anything from anyone's point of view (why is it not obvious to him that this would be insulting to you?).

Having his ex's belongings in the house. Weird that you have put up with it. I would have bagged them ages ago and threatened to chuck them out on the street if he didn't get her to collect them/drop them at her's pronto. It shows he is holding on to their relationship - it is a well-known way of maintaining a reason to keep on talking to someone (in addition to the obvious reasons that already exist).

Hard to hear, but I think this man has issues and you are just a convenience for him. He'd probably rather be with you than alone, as his first choice could possibly have been to make things work with her. He is selfish and only sees things from his own point of view. You and your family deserve more.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 11/11/2016 16:36

This is NOT your BPD talking - he's a bona fide arsehole. I cannot stress that strongly enough. Has he used that against you, by any chance?

needsahalo · 11/11/2016 16:40

In all seriousness, if your best friend said my boyfriend keeps pulling out his ex's clothes and telling me to wear them, what would you say to her?

He is not over it, he is probably very, very abusive. Why has she walked away without her stuff? Why doesn't he just bag it up and give it her?

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/11/2016 17:35

"He's been actively trying to get me pregnant though, which suggests he sees a future with me."
No, it suggests nothing of the sort and it's actually quite scary. What it suggest to me is that he likes to control the women in his life, and how better than to keep them tied to him by shared children? He is not normal.

Run. And if you find you're pregnant, I would think long and hard about continuing the pregnancy. Being tied to him for the next 18 years sounds awful, and I'm not too sure how badly his behaviour would affect the child's mental health either.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/11/2016 17:44

"Why has she walked away without her stuff?"

That's a really good point needsahalo has made. Off the top of my head I can think of two possibilities and neither of them are reassuring. Maybe there's other possibilities, but I'm thinking it might be

  1. She walked out leaving everything behind so as to not alert him to her leaving. Had he suspected, he might have stopped her in some way. She preferred to have nothing than to stay. You've said that she's poor, so imagine how much she doesn't want contact with him to leave all that stuff behind.
  1. It's not really 'her' stuff. She didn't choose it or buy it, he did. And just as he's trying to get you to wear it, he did the same to her. It's what he wants 'his woman' to look like.

Now like I said, maybe there are other reasons. But my bet would be on one of the above.

thisisafakename · 11/11/2016 17:47

I also can't see on any level how there can be a 'nice family atmosphere' in your house. It sounds bloody awful, not least the arguments where you pour a drink over his head and he locks you out and calls you a psycho. That is anything but nice for the kids, even if they didn't directly witness that scene.

P1nkP0ppy · 11/11/2016 17:51

Why on earth are her clothes still in the house? He sounds like a seriously weird creepy individual that she's scared of or surely she would have collected her belongings? As for expecting you to wear them 😱

As for you getting pregnant, that's utterly irresponsible of you whilst you're in such a freakish relationship, don't you have any warning bells ringing?

...sometimes he's nice.... fgs op, RUN while you can.

TheNaze73 · 11/11/2016 17:53

9 months in & this sounds doomed & highly irregular.

Tipping cans of Coke over people's head is not normal & neither is having a collection of your ex 's thongs

youwouldthink · 11/11/2016 18:00

You really, really need to get out of this!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 11/11/2016 18:13

He sounds like a crazy fucking weirdo just based on the information you have provided.

I wouldn't be tying myself to this man in any way shape or form.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 11/11/2016 18:15

I know nothing about BPD and whether that might explain why you might have allowed yourself to maybe be pregnant by a tit like this. Take some emergency contraception just in case and use the sense you were born with.

SporkLife · 11/11/2016 18:27

which suggests he sees a future with m

He might see a future with you but why on earth would you want a future with him, run for the hills, he's stalking his ex, trying to get you to dress up in her clothes Hmm thrown you out and called you a phsyco, LTB.

DanGleballs · 11/11/2016 18:31

Weird, too weird. Why would you bring a baby into this? Men don't want a baby that quickly because they love you. The whole situation is fucked up. RUN

Lunar1 · 11/11/2016 18:39

Blimey, get yourself and your children away from this man.

PurpleMinionMummy · 11/11/2016 18:47

He's texting her every night which you witness and she's taking out a non molestation order.......please trust your instincts on this occasion and leave.

yummumto3girls · 11/11/2016 18:49

OP trust your instincts here, you are vulnerable having just come through a divorce. He is doing nothing to make you feel like the most beautiful women in the world to him, you do not have to accept that. Have some self belief and dignity and walk away NOW! Good luck.

DonaldStott · 11/11/2016 18:50

Oh my god OP. So many red flags!! He sounds unstable. He will NOT make you happy. He is already making you miserable. Do not involve him in yours or your dc's lives. He is fucked up. Run!!!