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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL to stay in our house without me?

78 replies

mummycarolyn · 10/11/2016 20:08

My MIL is coming from abroad (US) to stay with us next week. She doesn't fly alone, so she's meeting my OH when he's on a business trip, and flying back with him. This is the first time she's meeting DS, and she's staying with us. I'm flying back to the US early for the holidays to be with my family and taking DS with me (on the 10th) and my OH is following on the (22nd). She wants to stay with my OH after DS and I leave. I'm a bit weirded out by it and uncomfortable. Is that wrong? I'd rather she fly back with DS and I.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 10/11/2016 20:59

We home exchange - guess that would make ops head explode!

Original poster
mummycarolyn · 10/11/2016 21:00

Okay! I guess I am being unreasonable. The back story is that we've had our disagreements in the past and she's a needy parent. Has 1 hr calls with OH every day, and when she can't get through to him, she calls me or even call MY mum in a panic. So I'm used to putting up boundaries. But thank you. I guess I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummycarolyn · 10/11/2016 21:02

ignore last repost.

OP posts:
AvaCrowder · 10/11/2016 21:03

If you suspect her of snooping get Australia/Singapore/Russian visa forms and leave them in your bedside drawer.

Otherwise wish them a nice visit together and enjoy your time with your ds.

gillybeanz · 10/11/2016 21:05

How weird, unless there's a back story.
She wants to spend time with her son, is she not allowed to do this?

Original poster
mummycarolyn · 10/11/2016 21:06

All right guys - I got it. I'm being unreasonable. I'm not sure if she's snoopy or not.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 10/11/2016 21:08

Boundaries can be a very healthy thing. But I think in this one instance your fears are misplaced. It sounds like the ideal opportunity for a needy mom to get some quality time with her ds. And if she lives abroad she isn't, I'll assume, knocking on the door every 2 min anyway.

hesterton · 10/11/2016 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissBeehiving · 10/11/2016 21:13

She lives in the US. How much more of a boundary than the Atlantic Ocean duo you need?!

StarBears · 10/11/2016 21:17

Posters who think OP is unreasonable - how do you know her MIL is lovely and won't snoop? How do you know her MIL isn't possessive over her DS and OP senses that?

Maybe MIL is lovely. But the OP must have some misgivings to have written the post. There are plenty of people who don't like their MILs so why is anyone surprised that someone doesn't want their MIL living in their house for 10 days whilst they are away?

StarBears · 10/11/2016 21:19

X posts with OP. YANBU. I would hate it. But I don't think there's anything you can do about it. At least if her focus is your DH, she probably isn't that into snooping on you. Make sure you lock everything you wouldn't want her to see/read/find away in the attic anyway. Just in case Smile

fabulous01 · 10/11/2016 21:25

I would leave a vibratory somewhere to see if she snoops. If I read it right you are lucky she lives far away

HanYOLO · 10/11/2016 21:26

Sounds perfect to me - you won't be there to have to hang out with her/service her neediness.

If your DH is ok with it, it might actually be a really nice and special thing for them both.

Original poster
mummycarolyn · 10/11/2016 21:26

@hesterton You're right. I should be the bigger person here. Good point @missBehiving :-). I also really like the idea of leaving Australia visa forms about :-). @AvaCrowder.

OP posts:
Icequeen01 · 10/11/2016 21:59

Sorry Op but YBVU. I live in fear that my 17 DS will one day marry someone who will resent me spending time with my son. By the sound of it she doesn't see him often anyway, although I agree phoning him every hour is wierd. Is it really every hour in which case perhaps your DH needs to put some boundaries down around that.

Icequeen01 · 10/11/2016 22:00

Sorry Op, just seen that their phone call lasts 1 hour, not every hour!

Original poster
mummycarolyn · 10/11/2016 22:04

Yup - is an hour and is every day. But I get it.

OP posts:
AvaCrowder · 10/11/2016 22:07

Grin I have a ds too, I adore my mil, but she is more about our dc than us. We regularly leave her at our home twice a year with them whilst we go off for a jaunt.

My own mum is the snooper.

MrsMcMoo · 10/11/2016 22:44

Thisisafakename - yes, I'm well aware it's his house as well - we're in complete agreement about it! I don't mind people staying while we're there, but neither me or DH would want anyone left twiddling their thumbs in our house while we're at work. We have terrible snoopers on both his side and mine! Why do you make such judgey assumptions about other people's lives?!

thisisafakename · 10/11/2016 22:55

Why do you make such judgey assumptions about other people's lives?!

What assumptions did I make? I was joking about the state secrets thing, but anything you do have tidied away in drawers can surely be found by your children anyway. This is a mother who lives thousands of miles away from her son. What is she supposed to do- not visit him at all or fork out for a hotel or something? I just think that the people who say they agree with the OP would be so gutted if in 30 years time, they were the unwelcome one when their children's partner insist that they don't want them staying.

blueskyinmarch · 12/11/2016 05:55

What does your DH say about this plan? If he is happy with it then it is also his home so I don't see an issue. I also assume she has a return flight booked to travel with your DH? It would be expensive to change this at this point.

DeathStare · 12/11/2016 08:33

I think whether you are being unreasonable depends on what your MIL will be doing with her time.

Is your DH going to be at work when you have gone to the US? Is the issue really that your MIL is going to be sat in your home all day everyday while her works, twiddling her thumbs? Or possibly not twiddling her thumbs but instead snooping? Or cleaning/doing your DH's laundry/having home cooked dinner on the table for him while making passive aggressive comments about her poor son not having a wife who looks after him properly? Or putting pressure on your DH to take the day off/come home early/go in late so she isn't sat home alone? If that's a realistic worry for you (and I may well just be projecting!) then I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

If your DH isn't going to be at work when you go to the US but has instead decided to have a 12 day staycation with his mum while you go alone to visit family and do a transatlantic flight alone with a small child, then you are not being unreasonable.

If the plan is that your DH works and your MIL spends her days sightseeing alone or visiting friends and then meets your DH for dinner, then you are being unreasonable.

I don't think your DH and MIL wanting to spend some time alone is unreasonable but the logistics in this case may make it a little odd

foursillybeans · 12/11/2016 08:44

YABU. You have no rights to tell your MIL what she can and can't do and you should not be trying to stop her from spending time with her son. I'm a bit Hmm at your attitude tbh.

LagunaBubbles · 12/11/2016 08:45

It really is an odd reaction and I still don't get it from your subsequent posts.

Blu · 12/11/2016 09:10

Ok, well she clearly is extremely needy and possessive, and this may well feel as if she has 'got' him. She has won time alone with him and you an Atlantic Ocean away.

But then you will only feel like that if you have reacted to her possessiveness by being territorial yourself.

For a couple of weeks you will be with your mum / family, he will be with his. 12 days of not having her call you to seek her son!

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