Was I "that mum" today??

[indiana7]

My little one loves playschool, however her teachers leave me cold... the playschool is in a very upmarket area with lots of yummy mummy types... Each morning at drop off the teachers fawn over these women & their offsprings & never greet me (dd often gets a halfhearted hi) I drop her in & out without any communication, pick up is the same I go up to the door to collect dd & the teacher just looks over my head swooning over the other mums behind me..... Today after another instance of being blatently ignored I rang to ask if I had done something to offend her as I am never greeted in the mornings or at pick up. I told her dd was very happy which she is but I can't understand why we are never greeted... She said it's beacuse dd is so good going into school & so well behaved she doesn't need to worry about her, which in my opinion is a rubbish exuse, she is 3 every child likes to hear a hello from their teacher... I am not going to move dd as she is so happy but I am glad I made her aware I'm not happy.. I wouldn't mind if all the parents were treated like this but their not, she ignores me at drop offs & pick ups & if I tried to make conversation in the morning would leave me mid-sentance to go fawning over one of the yummy mummys grrrrr....

Unprofessional and outright rude.

I would be concerned about what happens in the classroom.

Minor detail in the grand scheme of things, but my dgd is three and has a bad habit of not responding when people talk to her. Surely all the adults around should be setting her a good example of at least acknowledging when they are spoken to.

I wouldn't be impressed. I really don't understand this mentality. Dds school is pretty middle class and you have a lot of it amongst the parents. Not with the teachers or tas though. So glad dd is older now and I stand outside with the dog. I think I'm classed as "upper middle class" btw (not that this is something I'm proud of or anything) but just hate cliques and get on better with those in the periphery whatever their "class" because I'm not a sheep. Sounds as if the play school teachers have aspirations darlings. Ugh!

Can you c

Can you turn up early one day,without them knowing.And see what they are like.See if they really are ignoring or interacting with your dc.

Hi OP, firstly I think you sound like a lovely mum with the best of intentions, but in this case I really do think YABU.

I recall a previous thread of yours with a similar vein, a playgroup where you felt your dd was overlooked again?

I wonder if you have some sort of inferiority complex (unjustified of course) which colours your perception of how people treat or view you? I only say this as, I, after years of feeling like you do in various situations , I decided to try to get to the bottom of my feelings and I found that it was my own anxieties were causing me to feel this way rather than it being other people's fault. I'm a very shy person who sometimes comes across as wanting to mostly keep myself to myself, so unless I make a real effort people leave me to it!

Basically I think that this situation, that you feel was a slight to your daughter , is more about yourself than anything else!

None of this is meant as a criticism, just a possibly objective viewpoint!

Goodness, anyone who knows anything about ECE knows that greeting a child and their carer is extremely important. Children need to be invited in to the ECE setting so they feel welcome. Not that much different to going to someone else's house! Just manners really.

The staff have been unprofessional in ignoring you and it has affected you negatively.

See how it goes, they may well step up now and if they do, you may feel a lot more comfortable soon. I hope so.

And to any posters saying meh, it's about the child not you, that's nonsense. The child's grown up needs to be welcomed too, of course!

YABNU and in all honesty I would look to move. My child was never not greeted at nursery. He was very confident and never any trouble, but got an enthusiastic good morning how are you every single day - just like every other child. If another child was crying on keyworkers lap - they still made a fuss of every child coming in to the room.

Hope this morning is better.

I kind of get what you mean about the fawning but that's because these other parents spend more time chatting to the nursery staff/ teaching staff in my experience.

I'm the type of person who only chats to the teacher at drop offs/ pick ups when needed. I see lots of parents having daily chats and discussing minor issues. That's fine as it's their pergative to do so. I find that some teachers fawn over these parents more. It can be a bit annoying but I don't have the time or inclination to be the teachers best friend so i understand why.

YANBU - and right to address it. It will be interesting to hear if they greeted you this morning.

I've addressed this at our nursery-we returned from holidays and a new person had started and she outright wasn't polite with me/DH or with my child. My DH and I both noticed it. I called her on it- said 'Excuse me, you are?' when she was giving us feedback as I didn't even know her name. She would never say hello back to me. I then mentioned it to one of the other staff as something was made an issue of when I asked for my DD to have her jacket on when outside playing as it's freezing (my dd was sent outside without a jacket on and in just a t-shirt at the end of September and had been ill and was later sent to hospital and kept in) so to me, this was an issue where my child wasn't being cared for. We've got to know the nursery staff as a whole - but sometimes there are parents that are equally as rude to the staff. Needless to say, that employee is nice to us. You treat everyone the same, especially when caring for kids. So keep an eye on it!!

You were right to pull them up on their rude and unprofessional behaviour. Our nursey greets all children but ignores all parents. There is no relationship there at all. I know dc were, and are, happy there, but it makes me feel very unsupportive of them. I don't go out of my way to donate items, money etc, even though I know that it's the kids that would suffer ultimately. It just pains me.

The op has said that the child is greeted though it is 'half-hearted'. It is her she thinks is being ignored. What do people expect the member of staff on the door to do if a parent engages them in conversation about something to do with their child? Keep interrupting to chat to every parent that comes along? It does tend to be the same few mums that monopolise the teachers time - that's just the way it tends to be. They may dislike it as much as the op does. The op taking personal offence and asking if she has done anything to offend the staff at the nursery (presumably knowing she hasn't) is just plain weird imo. As is suggesting that the staff are talking to parents based on their income???

I brought something similar up with the manager of ds nursery in the past. The manager and I had a very constructive chat along the lines of the key worker was still very young and - while brilliant round the children - quite nervous round the adults. The manager was pleased I'd brought it up because it meant she could give her specific feedback; she felt being confident and building good relationships with parents was an important part of the job.

You were right to bring it up - That said, I wouldn't necessary brought it up at pick up!

I had this at DDs old nursery, some mornings they wouldn't even acknowledge me or her having been dropped off as they were busy with paperwork and I'd wonder if they'd even noticed her arrival! It was one of the many reasons I moved her, it was rude, unwelcoming and potentially unsafe if they genuinely hadn't noticed she'd arrived and she started climbing up the book cases!

Come to think of it, I once had this - staff not at all welcoming or enthusiastic when I arrived with my DS. He was (and is) an absolute sweetheart, slightly shy, lovely, quiet child and I felt he was overlooked because of that. The staff gave a lukewarm, jaded hello occasionally but he would often be left crying at the window by himself when I turned round to wave

I mentioned it to the nursery owner but to make it sound less like a criticism I said "I know the girls work hard, they seem a bit tired in the mornings when I drop DS off, sometimes they aren't too enthusiastic with him and he does kind of need a bit of a welcome to settle in..."

Nursery owner said "well they will be tired won't they, it's a very demanding job". Made me feel unreasonable for bringing it up.

I moved my DS from there eventually. Just didn't like the lack of welcome although there was one girl who made an effort but if she wasn't in/was busy, he would just be ignored.

One of the things we were told when I trained as a TA, (and on other training days) was the importance of greeting children as they come in to school...not necessarily the parents, but ALWAYS the children. I have always tried to do that, and even if I am late from my morning school club, and the children are already all in class, I go in and say " Morning everyone ,morning Mrs xxxx". I think the children appreciate it, as there is usually a response.
I think it is very rude of them to not acknowledge your daughter. I would be annoyed too.

Also, I wonder if they "fawn " over them as they are the sort that make complaints...?

My setting is a private day nursery so may be a bit different to your experience but staff acknowledge every parent and child when dropping off and collecting. Every parent receives feedback and it's always personal, not just a "she's been fine today." If there are a couple of parents waiting staff usually acknowledge them and say I'll be with you now and then thank them for waiting.

The most important thing is how you are with the children but the children don't pay fees. Behind closed doors you could be the best practitioner but parents don't see that. You need to make sure every child, parent, carer, Aunty, grandparent, sibling etc feels welcomed and valued.

This was something Ofsted picked up on during our last inspection and commented on how well drop off and handovers were managed.

Thanks again for all the replies, there was a much better response from them the past few mornings, they took dd's hand, asked how she was, admired her dress & she was absolutely glowing. They made conversation with me eg cold morning etc &they dd is a always a little angel, is great to get stuck in & is always willing to help etc. Pickups have also been away more pleasant they have started saying goodbye see you tomorrow to dd instead of letting her walk out ignored while they fawn over another child. Glad I brought it to their attention & thanks mumsnet.

That's a really nice update, so pleased for you. You did them a favour by letting them know.

Thanks for the update OP sounds like they've taken it on board - better late than never

That's good to hear, I know a few people have said ywbu but the fact is it's a part of their job, it's a part of our training as early years practitioners and is for the benefit of the child, the child is paramount and good relationships with the parent can only benefit the child and help staff to meet their needs, you only need to hear how your DD reacted to know that. Well done OP, hope it continues.

Good result, OP. It would be interesting to note if they are still ignoring some children though.

vertical very inaporopriate, especially if that detracts them away from discussing issues another parent might have. I bet they want you to blooming stop, so they can crack on with the day. Mabey hold back and let them do their job.

I am pleased with the outcome op, they perhaps even where not aware if how they come across.