to be upset with the lack of contact and then this?

[DarkLightMamma]

So the father and I aren't together but last Sunday he came over to my parents for dinner (as I live alone I am staying with them on the run up to the due date in case of emergencies) and afterwards he and I sat down and I explained that I was unhappy because he said he wanted to actively be involved but for the previous 4-5 weeks he hadn't got in contact with me. I explained that it was frustrating because whenever he did get in contact with me, it was because I had initiated that contact, whether I sent him a message, a text or made a phone call. He said he understood, he'd been very busy with work but would do better. Problem solved.

On Tuesday our daughter was due and I had everyone asking me how I was, if there had been any signs, even the father's ex-wife messaged me and asked me if I was ok and gave me the usual wives tales to start labour, which I thought was really big of her...but radio silence from the father. Nothing from him either on Wednesday so my dad suggest I send a message to him letting him know there hadn't been any movement, which I did, and got him and my mum to check so that it didn't sound off or annoyed. I also let him know that I was booked in for a sweep on Sunday (today). His response was 'Cool, I was expecting a phone call. Hoping she comes soon!' I had been really upset that he hadn't rung on Tuesday but as my dad explained, he's a man and men don't think like women do, so I sucked it up.

Then on Friday I had some rather unusual movement which I thought meant she might turn up, so I messaged him to let him know, but that nothing was definite and to stand by. His response was good, no problem...then later that day I got a message saying if I couldn't get hold of him on his mobile to ring a landline number. Not a problem! I asked whose it was, thinking it might be his boss. He said; 'Someone I've started dating'. Now to be clear, I've said to him from day one, I don't care if you start dating someone, as long as it doesn't stop you from being a father, which he promised me it wouldn't. But to say he's started dating someone implies it's been at least a week or two, which means he could have mentioned it to me on Sunday, or considering I was 3 days overdue he could have said 'a friend'.

Now all that's going through my mind is, all those weeks without contact where he's been busy, maybe he was out on dates...in which case, fair enough he wouldn't want to make it awkward by getting in contact, although a message once a week wouldn't have killed him. But I think the biggest issue for my mind is that he didn't ring on his daughter's due date, nor the day after, nor has he sent me any messages on any day since asking if there's been any movements or changes. The only time he's messaged is to reply 'Ok, hope it goes well.' to me saying not to worry about coming to the sweep, we'd call him if it triggered labour.

I'm now 5 days overdue and that means I'm already overly weepy and tired and fed up, but I've cried because of him every single day this week. I know the majority of you will probably tell me I'm being unreasonable, and I fully expect I am, but I just need some sensible input. If you're going to tell me 'Poor baby being in the middle of that' please just pass on by, I can't cope with negative comments that aren't constructive!!

[Ayeok]

Sheba and Mummy he CAN'T register the birth without the mother if they are not married. You're just throwing stuff out there that could really upset her but isn't true. OP, if a couple are unmarried it's a legal requirement for Mum to be there to register the child, so don't worry on that score.

[NerrSnerr]

I was just going to say that. If you're not married OP he can't register the birth without you.

[DarkLightMamma]

One thing I did insist on right from the off was giving her my surname. He's 38 and I'm 27, so I know there's quite an age gap between us. He has a step daughter who messages me every day asking if there's any sign which is really lovely.

He asked about making a visit regularly each week, but I don't see it happening to be honest. And don't worry about registering the birth without me, I've already made a firm resolution not to leave our daughter alone with him, if he actually does show up! And then I read your comments about him not being allowed to register her without me there and it does relieve me quite a bit!!

BewtySkool I understand what you're saying, but not to even contact on his baby's due date? Or the day after? And fair enough about not telling regarding the initial stages, but to just drop it on me like that? As I said in my original post, he could have said it was a friend.

[Marmalade85]

Do not put this guy on the birth certificate OP. I really regret giving my son his father's last name so maybe think about that also.

[Rrross1ges]

His behaviour now is a good indicator of how he'll be after your daughter is born. It sounds like you have good support from your family and that your daughter will be loved by the people who matter. Best of luck with the birth.

[Ayeok]

I was married when eldest DS was born, he has his father's surname and it's been used as a tool to control me ever since. His "dad" has barely any contact, never ever has any involvement with school/doctor/appointments etc but will not allow me to change his name to mine because "he's MY son". Well done sticking to your guns. To be honest, if he's being such a dick already I'd think twice about putting him on the birth certificate at all, it gives him a level of control you may (or may not) regret later.

[CalleighDoodle]

Can he register the birth in her absence? If the unmarried father needs to be there to get his mame on it, how can he register without the mother he is not married to? That doesnt make sense!!?!

Parenthood for the mother starts at the first point of pregnancy. For many men it is when the baby arrives. He said he wants to be involved with the baby. Baby is not here. He might be great when baby arrives. He might want lots of contact. This also might be a problem for you. His lack of interest in you is not necessarily a lack ninterest in being a parent to the baby.

Dont chase him. Dont give baby his surname. Maybe as a compromise make it baby's middle name.

[ChocolateButton15]

If you are not married he cannot register the birth without you,
I wouldn't contact him anymore until you are in established labour. I would let him know you are in labour, he doesn't have to be in the room. He can wait outside or visit the baby after.
Was you hoping to get back together? It's really bad he's given you another woman's landline!

[gggrrrargh]

I'm commenting as I am in an similar situation - ex partner wants to be there for the birth etc but I've currently not heard from him 6 weeks + and our daughter will be born quite soon. I was going to chase him (again) so these replies have really helped for me too.

good luck, glad you are being supported by your parents.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I didn't know that. I certainly wasn't trying to frighten op. I've heard of it happening but didn't realise you had to be married.

[ClopySow]

I agree, don't chase him. Don't do it now and don't do it when the baby is born. The sooner you get used to dealing with it like this, the easier it'll be. Don't spend anymore time resenting someone for what they're not doing, you need all of that energy for you and the baby.

Good luck!

[Parker231]

why would you want him on the birth certificate? He isn't going to be taking on the role of her father or participating in her up bringing?

[neonrainbow]

Don't have him at the birth! Birth is about you and the baby, not him. Just tell him after she's here. Your baby won't care if he's there.

[DelphiniumBlue]

Do you actually want him at the birth? Ther only valid reason for him to be there is to support you, and if you are ambivalent about his presence, it may be better for him to visit afterwards. Birth is not an entertainment or a spectator sport.
Does he have his own children already?

[ineedwine99]

Wishing you all the best OP.
Screw him, focus on yourself and your baby, his loss if he doesn't start showing an interest, at least your baby will have a wonderful mum who adores her.
No more messages, as a PP said just a one line message one baby arrives.

[JustSpeakSense]

He is being a dick. He is in the throes of a new relationship and clearly not focused on your baby and definitely not you.

It is not up to you to chase him, stop contacting him. Send him a brief text when she arrives and leave the ball in his court.

I believe this is a sign of things to come and he is going to be flaky, uninvolved and unreliable in the future.

You do not need him, you have your family and friends, just savour and enjoy every little moment and memory with your daughter, he is missing out.

The sooner you accept he doesn't want to be a part of it and let go of it, the sooner you and your precious DD will be able to move on without him.

Good luck, hope she arrives soon.

[BewtySkoolDropowt]

No, you are right, he should have contacted you around the time you were due, absolutely.

But you asked him who's number it was. Some people don't think quickly enough to change the answer, and just think how much worse you would feel about it had you called and a woman answered, had he not said? He didn't spring it on you, you asked. I don't get a mobile signal in my house, maybe it's the same there?

[DarkLightMamma]

First of all; Questioningeverything, thank you for doing that! It really means a lot!

No, I knew halfway through the pregnancy that I wouldn't get back into a relationship with him, too much has gone on. Being absolutely honest, the first trimester he was fairly absent, but then that may have been because I was so tired that I was getting home from work and falling asleep until the following morning and didn't really talk to many people!

The first part of the second trimester he was active, saw him every week and spoke to him every couple of days, then the second half was where it started to dwindle, after talking to him he told me that he felt I didn't want him around so I apologised and explained I've always been independent and struggle to ask for help sometimes but I would work hard on that, which I have tried to do, I've asked him to do things for me, and I'm still waiting on them.

gggrrrargh, I'm glad this thread has been able to help you, I've been umming and ahhing about whether to post but it's just been getting so on top of me! I've been given a lot of food for thought already and I really appreciate everyone taking the time to give me advice!

I'm not necessarily keen on him being on the birth certificate, but if he wants to take me to court for any reason, the judge will likely ask for a DNA test which will amount to the same thing.

Personally, no I don't want him there, and especially not the first few hours she's here because I want to attempt to breastfeed and know you shouldn't feel stressed or tensed, I want it to just be about her...so mum has said she'll tell them he's not allowed to come into the room until afterwards.

And DelphiniumBlue, this is his first biological child, he has an adoptive step-daughter with his ex-wife.

Messages will be stopping with immediate effect, thanks all! xx

[rainbowstardrops]

I can't believe you've said he's 38!!! I thought he sounded like some selfish, naive youngster who thought it would be a good idea to let you know he's dating just as you're about to give birth!

I'd definitely stop the texts to him. If he's interested then he can contact you. End of.

Good luck with the birth and hope baby comes soon!

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Thank you Ayeok for correcting me, I didn't realise that.

[CalleighDoodle]

Youve said it yourself. If he wants to go on the bc he can go to court to be added afterwards. You cant remove him though. So let him do that. i cant see that happening

[eyebrowsonfleek]

I think that you need to emotionally detach from him. He's promised to be involved and is not behaving like a devoted dad. Don't chase him and expect anything from him to save yourself from heartbreak and disappointment. Based on your description, all he wants is a phone call when labour starts and baby arrives. Stop chasing him with updates and just do that. You are behaving the way that you'd want to be treated if the sexes were reversed but he's just not that bothered.

Your baby is amazing and your love for her is all encompassing. He clearly doesn't feel like that which is awful but it's because he's a selfish dick who's too focused on his new relationship and not because your daughter isn't good enough. You need to enjoy your daughter's arrival. I would ask your parents to ask as a buffer and call him when baby arrives and leave it to him to suggest when he meets her etc. He's acting disappointingly and it's not because of anything you have/have not done. Don't waste energy on him. You need to channel all of of your love and energy on your lovely daughter.

[gothic1]

First of all, good luck with labour/birth, and know that you definitely don't need him there just because he's your baby's father. He hasn't really given you much reason to trust that he could be supportive - and you should be able trust your birth partners.

Secondly - you don't have to put him on the birth certificate straightaway. It's much, much easier to add a father's name later on - when you can trust that he'll use his parental rights for his baby's benefit. He'll still be her father whether his name is on the certificate or not.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

I think that you need to emotionally detach from him. He's promised to be involved and is not behaving like a devoted dad. Don't chase him and expect anything from him to save yourself from heartbreak and disappointment. Based on your description, all he wants is a phone call when labour starts and baby arrives. Stop chasing him with updates and just do that. You are behaving the way that you'd want to be treated if the sexes were reversed but he's just not that bothered.

Your baby is amazing and your love for her is all encompassing. He clearly doesn't feel like that which is awful but it's because he's a selfish dick who's too focused on his new relationship and not because your daughter isn't good enough. You need to enjoy your daughter's arrival. I would ask your parents to ask as a buffer and call him when baby arrives and leave it to him to suggest when he meets her etc. He's acting disappointingly and it's not because of anything you have/have not done. Don't waste energy on him. You need to channel all of of your love and energy on your lovely daughter.