to be upset with the lack of contact and then this?

[DarkLightMamma]

So the father and I aren't together but last Sunday he came over to my parents for dinner (as I live alone I am staying with them on the run up to the due date in case of emergencies) and afterwards he and I sat down and I explained that I was unhappy because he said he wanted to actively be involved but for the previous 4-5 weeks he hadn't got in contact with me. I explained that it was frustrating because whenever he did get in contact with me, it was because I had initiated that contact, whether I sent him a message, a text or made a phone call. He said he understood, he'd been very busy with work but would do better. Problem solved.

On Tuesday our daughter was due and I had everyone asking me how I was, if there had been any signs, even the father's ex-wife messaged me and asked me if I was ok and gave me the usual wives tales to start labour, which I thought was really big of her...but radio silence from the father. Nothing from him either on Wednesday so my dad suggest I send a message to him letting him know there hadn't been any movement, which I did, and got him and my mum to check so that it didn't sound off or annoyed. I also let him know that I was booked in for a sweep on Sunday (today). His response was 'Cool, I was expecting a phone call. Hoping she comes soon!' I had been really upset that he hadn't rung on Tuesday but as my dad explained, he's a man and men don't think like women do, so I sucked it up.

Then on Friday I had some rather unusual movement which I thought meant she might turn up, so I messaged him to let him know, but that nothing was definite and to stand by. His response was good, no problem...then later that day I got a message saying if I couldn't get hold of him on his mobile to ring a landline number. Not a problem! I asked whose it was, thinking it might be his boss. He said; 'Someone I've started dating'. Now to be clear, I've said to him from day one, I don't care if you start dating someone, as long as it doesn't stop you from being a father, which he promised me it wouldn't. But to say he's started dating someone implies it's been at least a week or two, which means he could have mentioned it to me on Sunday, or considering I was 3 days overdue he could have said 'a friend'.

Now all that's going through my mind is, all those weeks without contact where he's been busy, maybe he was out on dates...in which case, fair enough he wouldn't want to make it awkward by getting in contact, although a message once a week wouldn't have killed him. But I think the biggest issue for my mind is that he didn't ring on his daughter's due date, nor the day after, nor has he sent me any messages on any day since asking if there's been any movements or changes. The only time he's messaged is to reply 'Ok, hope it goes well.' to me saying not to worry about coming to the sweep, we'd call him if it triggered labour.

I'm now 5 days overdue and that means I'm already overly weepy and tired and fed up, but I've cried because of him every single day this week. I know the majority of you will probably tell me I'm being unreasonable, and I fully expect I am, but I just need some sensible input. If you're going to tell me 'Poor baby being in the middle of that' please just pass on by, I can't cope with negative comments that aren't constructive!!

[Marmalade85]

If he is self-employed it is very difficult to get maintenance from someone if they don't wish to pay it even via CSA.

Many useless fathers quit their jobs and become 'self-employed' to avoid payments.

[CalleighDoodle]

If he is self employed and an asshole i wouldnt hold out much hope on getting cm sadly.

[DarkLightMamma]

ComfortingKormaBalls, I rent. which is lucky because I'm in a tough job where the owner and office manager are bullies, but then they are sisters so it's my tough luck. Towards the end of my leave I'll be looking for alternative employment because I will not be able to deal with going back there!! Financially, he has told me not to count on the money he is going to send me each month, so I don't have high hopes here, I was going to let him set up a standing order but I think I will go through the legal channels, which sadly does take a portion away from his daughter, but at least it will be consistent!

And the reason I was originally going to have him present at the birth is because at the very beginning he seemed quite sincere about wanting to be there, but now has given himself outs anyway, he's a self-employed electrician so he said if he's on a job he can't just leave, which in some ways I do understand, he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid, but it is his daughter at the end of the day.

I had wanted to give him the opportunity but after reading through your comments, you're right, if he's on the certificate it will cause extra unnecessary headache, whereas he can always be put on at a later date...plus another reason I don't want him alone with her is that he smokes in his car, I had to physically tell him not to smoke with me in the car while pregnant...he said he wouldn't smoke around her but technically...he has done!

[InTheseFlipFlops]

It's not the naming on a birth certificate that's the issue it's the handing over of parental rights which comes with that.

Op talk to someone who knows what they are on about legally before you hand those over by putting him on the birth certificate.
It gives him rights over:
You taking your child abroad on holiday
Which school they attend
Medical care they receive
Where you live.

Now if he's involved in your child's life, great you want them to have that.
But if he fucks off for 5 years and you have to chase him for a letter to take your child to Disney land Paris for a few days or worse he stops you taking your child away at all.

Don't give him those rights unless you know what your giving him and he's proven he has stepped up to deserve them.
If your in England you have 6 weeks to register the birth, so lots of time to make that informed decision.

[DeathStare]

OP do not let him be there at the birth, don't even tell him when you are in labour. It's not a theatre show. The role of a birth partner is to support the mother. He isn't going to do that.

And as others have said, don't put him on the birth certificate. At least if he has to go to Court to get his name added he will have demonstrated some commitment (but he won't )

[sohackedoff]

He's not interested in you or the pregnancy. He doesn't want updates. He may or may not be interested in the baby when he or she arrives. Stop contacting him as you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. Let him know when baby arrives and leave it at that. Concentrate on you and baby.

Good luck

He

[Cherrysoup]

Stop chasing him, save your precious energy for your baby and yourself.

[ImperialBlether]

Let's face it, this guy isn't going to start making demands. It's more like the OP will have to remind him to turn up. He's not going to want 50-50 or anything like that, is he?

[ImperialBlether]

He's unreliable but he's not abusive. There are tons of unreliable men around and no, I don't like them either. But to deny he's the father on a birth certificate - well, someone would have to be abusive to deserve that, in my opinion.

[InTheseFlipFlops]

But why give him rights when he has already shown himself to be unreliable?
If it was just a name on a piece of paper I'd agree, but it's so much more.

[ImperialBlether]

I disagree with you, FlipFlops. He is the child's father. Her child will see her birth certificate at some point - she will want to see her father's name there.

[InTheseFlipFlops]

Don't put him on the birth certificate. It's a whole can of worms, your giving him parental responsibility by doing that. It doesn't stop him being a dad if he's not on it.
It can cause problems taking your child on holiday, doctors, schools, moving. It can make it difficult.
Don't give him that, when he's not behaved to deserve it. If he wants it in the future and has behaved as such you can sort it. But don't hand it over now without anything from him.

[corlan]

Another voice to say think very hard about putting him on the birth certificate as it can cause a lot of problems for you when you wish to take your child abroad.
Good Luck DarkLightMama.I hope the guy steps up to be a half-decent father but don't put any energy into chasing him or trying to make him be a decent dad if he's not. You need all your mental strength for yourself and your baby now.

[TheAnswerIsYes]

PP have given you good advice and I just want to reiterate.

Do not have him at the birth and don't tell him or let him in to see baby until you are ready. It doesn't matter if this is 1 hour or 4 hours or a day after the birth or what. This time is inportant for you and baby to bond and him being there will give you stress you do not need. Let him come when you are ready.

I am glad to hear that you have already decided to give baby your surname. Please reconsider putting his name on the birth certificate. Once you put his name on you are give him a lot of control over the baby and, indirectly, your life. Leave him off and if he steps up later you can change it later. Don't let him bully or coerce you into doing it now. It is not in your interest to do it.

Good luck with the birth, I hope it goes smoothly.

[AyeAmarok]

Best of luck OP. Please don't waste any precious energy trying to drag him into being a good father. Look after yourself and do whatever suits you, that's all that's important at the minute.

Make sure you get child maintenance sorted out officially through the CMS as soon as you're feeling up to it. Don't rely on this guy to remember and not be selfish and be fair.

[HeldTogetherByGafferTape]

Make sure the midwives know that your mum is your only birth partner too DarkLight.

I don't think there's a snowball's chance he'll show up during or just after the birth as he's shown such disinterest so far, but it means your mind will be at rest that he can't gain access to the ward unless you consent to it if and when you are ready.

And you are right on the money if you want to try to breastfeed her in the hours after she arrives, you need a calm cosy intimate atmosphere in those early moments.

[HerOtherHalf]

I know it's not uncommon but I can't understand why any mother would have a father she is no longer in a relationship with present at the birth? It's such a personal and intimate event I wouldn't want someone there that wasn't strongly emotionally attached to me as well as the baby.

OP, it's your moment and your choice to do what you think is best for you and you alone. I doubt your child will judge you for not having his father present given that you are no longer in a relationship. Stop wasting any more emotional energy on him and focus on you and your baby.

[notrocketscience]

Don't put him on the birth certificate as it gives him automatic parental rights and he could turn nasty and you'll end up with all sorts of problems you just don't need.

You have support from your family by the sounds of it and are a strong independent lady. I wish nothing but the best for you and your little one. You don't need this flaky ar*e in your lives. He's immature, selfish and emotionally retarded. Make a quick exit girl, you don't need him.

[slenderisthenight]

I think he may have compartmentalised and won't relate to you but is planning to see the baby in a different way.

I wouldn't be obstructive until you see how he relates to the baby.

[ElspethFlashman]

The dude can't even be arsed texting you.

This is not a bloke who would go to court over getting a DNA test.

And I can't believe he actually got you to apologise for HIM losing interest during the 2nd trimester.

C'mon. Stop being a mug.

[ComfortingKormaBalls]

He has an ex-wife, a daughter, a pregnant ex-girlfriend and now he's dating someone else. He's not interested in you anymore - Keep this man out of your life!

Plan your life as a single parent. Do you own your own home/what are your plans for returning to work/has he been financially involved so far? You need to plan your life without him and stop having expectations that he will be involved with the child or you. If he gets involved it's a bonus.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

I think that you need to emotionally detach from him. He's promised to be involved and is not behaving like a devoted dad. Don't chase him and expect anything from him to save yourself from heartbreak and disappointment. Based on your description, all he wants is a phone call when labour starts and baby arrives. Stop chasing him with updates and just do that. You are behaving the way that you'd want to be treated if the sexes were reversed but he's just not that bothered.

Your baby is amazing and your love for her is all encompassing. He clearly doesn't feel like that which is awful but it's because he's a selfish dick who's too focused on his new relationship and not because your daughter isn't good enough. You need to enjoy your daughter's arrival. I would ask your parents to ask as a buffer and call him when baby arrives and leave it to him to suggest when he meets her etc. He's acting disappointingly and it's not because of anything you have/have not done. Don't waste energy on him. You need to channel all of of your love and energy on your lovely daughter.

[gothic1]

First of all, good luck with labour/birth, and know that you definitely don't need him there just because he's your baby's father. He hasn't really given you much reason to trust that he could be supportive - and you should be able trust your birth partners.

Secondly - you don't have to put him on the birth certificate straightaway. It's much, much easier to add a father's name later on - when you can trust that he'll use his parental rights for his baby's benefit. He'll still be her father whether his name is on the certificate or not.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

I think that you need to emotionally detach from him. He's promised to be involved and is not behaving like a devoted dad. Don't chase him and expect anything from him to save yourself from heartbreak and disappointment. Based on your description, all he wants is a phone call when labour starts and baby arrives. Stop chasing him with updates and just do that. You are behaving the way that you'd want to be treated if the sexes were reversed but he's just not that bothered.

Your baby is amazing and your love for her is all encompassing. He clearly doesn't feel like that which is awful but it's because he's a selfish dick who's too focused on his new relationship and not because your daughter isn't good enough. You need to enjoy your daughter's arrival. I would ask your parents to ask as a buffer and call him when baby arrives and leave it to him to suggest when he meets her etc. He's acting disappointingly and it's not because of anything you have/have not done. Don't waste energy on him. You need to channel all of of your love and energy on your lovely daughter.

[CalleighDoodle]

Youve said it yourself. If he wants to go on the bc he can go to court to be added afterwards. You cant remove him though. So let him do that. i cant see that happening