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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL should take the bus?

54 replies

Endoftheroad16 · 05/11/2016 11:33

We are visiting family abroad next week and MIL will be visiting at the same time but travelling separately. We land in the morning and will be hiring a car to get us and our two children to our destination. MIL doesn't arrive until mid afternoon. It's too long a gap for us to wait around for her.

Now DH is saying he will drive us the hour and a half to our destination then go back to the airport later to collect MIL. AIBU to think this is silly and he should just let her get the bus?

To clarify she goes to visit these relatives regularly and always gets the airport bus to the town they live in. So this won't be a problem for her and she has even said that is what she will do this time.

AIBU? It just seems crazy for him to do a 3 hour round trip to collect her when she can get the bus and he could collect her from ten minutes away. He will already have driven to the airport that morning then driven us the 1.5 hours to the relatives house.

I must admit I don't much fancy sitting in his relatives house for 3 hours or so without him either, having to make small talk. So maybe I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Shoesarethebaneofmylife · 05/11/2016 11:54

That's ridiculous and a waste of time and fuel. Let her take the bus if she does it regularly.

Trills · 05/11/2016 11:57

He is wrong.

He's choosing to do something that would take MIL from:
absolutely fine - > slightly happier

at the cost of taking you from:
fine, not really enjoying it but OK -> actively unhappy

gleam · 05/11/2016 11:59

If mil's happy taking the bus (as usual) then dh should be ok with it.

Do you think it's more about him performing filial affection by picking her up? Would it be expected by the rellies?

RockinHippy · 05/11/2016 12:00

YABU, its a nice thing he has offered to do for his mum, she isn't demanding anything either, so let him go enjoy a bit of 1-1 quality time with her. Also think of the lovely lesson/message it sends to your DCs, one you will be grateful for when they are grown & you are old

Original poster
Endoftheroad16 · 05/11/2016 12:03

Yes there may be an element of him wanting to look good to his relatives. He wanted to hire a big fancy car instead of the economy model so as to impress them. I put my foot down as we are a bit skint and don't have money to waste trying to look good.

OP posts:
Takfish89 · 05/11/2016 12:14

When i read your first post I thought you were being a bit precious but as I've read your updates there is clearly a lot more going on than your first post suggests. In this instance could you find somewhere closer to the airport that you could hang out in as a family to wait (even if it was 45 mins away? I agree making small talk with people you are not particularly excited to see for 3 hours in a place you have no desire to visit will be pretty grim. But bigger picture you are probably focusing on a very small aspect of what sounds like deep unhappiness on your part. I hope you are ok and are taking steps to be in a position to not always have to take decisions that make you so unhappy

almondpudding · 05/11/2016 12:21

Is there nothing at all you can do for a few hours fairly near the airport?

There are no tourist attractions of any kinds, no parks, restaurants, museums, historic buildings, nothing at all within say, half an hour's drive of the airport?

WorraLiberty · 05/11/2016 12:22

OP, why don't you pick your MIL up and leave him and the kids at the relative's house?

JayneAusten · 05/11/2016 12:26

I hate this kind of situation where he's the knight in shining armour and gets the credit when actually the good guy thing to do would be to prioritise his wife - who has travelled to another country - and children. Nobody ever sees the wife/partner in the background plodding on with the work that actually has to be done while the other person gets all the praise for the wonderful thing they are fannying around doing instead of helping.

saoirse31 · 05/11/2016 12:30

Whatever his relationship with u is , he's doing a nice thing for his mother. He clearly doesn't live near her, maybe he wants to spend the drive talking with her etc. Can't see the problem.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2016 12:33

He does sound inconsiderate if she does it regularly and you will feel uncomfortable with his family. I was going to suggest the same as almond. Go somewhere for a visit. Not ideal I know and even going swimming to a local pool, restaurant and the park would while away the time.

T0ldmywrath · 05/11/2016 12:34

I don't think you're being unreasonable- as EweAreHere has said your mil is perfectly capable of getting the bus.
Also per Shoes it is a terrible waste of fuel (think of the carbon footprint)

It is not necessary & will be quite tiring.

I wouldn't fancy doing the driving on the 'wrong side' either, so those suggesting you do that are being unreasonable.

slightlypeevedwombat · 05/11/2016 12:34

can you get lunch or something nearer the airport and collect together?

SemiNormal · 05/11/2016 12:35

I hate this kind of situation where he's the knight in shining armour and gets the credit when actually the good guy thing to do would be to prioritise his wife - who has travelled to another country - and children. Nobody ever sees the wife/partner in the background plodding on with the work that actually has to be done while the other person gets all the praise for the wonderful thing they are fannying around doing instead of helping. - He shouldn't have to prioritise any of them, but his mother spent many years raising him with many sleepless nights and all the rest of the crap that comes with parenthood - I wouldn't say him picking his mum up is 'fannying around'. She dedicated 18 + years of her life to bringing him up so 3hr 'round trip really isn't the be all and end all!
Going by this one thing I'd say OP YABU but this is clearly about much more than the bus/picking up MIL right?

Trills · 05/11/2016 12:37

He shouldn't have to prioritise any of them

How about prioritising the person who might be made unhappy by his actions (and choosing the option that does not make them unhappy), rather than prioritising the person who is happy in both scenarios?

almondpudding · 05/11/2016 12:37

The whole holiday sounds a bit of a nightmare, TBH. Another country with small kids, middle of nowhere, guest of people you have to make small talk with, drunk DH...

Doing something else for a few hours before getting there would be a relief.

daisypond · 05/11/2016 12:38

Is he actually trying to avoid being with his relatives, so offers to pick Mum up instead, so he doesn't have to be there doing small talk? A nice time by himself in the car, a bit of peace and quiet, without the kids - and makes himself look good at the same time?

Trills · 05/11/2016 12:39

I agree with the knight in shining armour description.

He gets to do a thing he wants to do, that doesn't really need doing, and be praised for it.

In order for him to do that, someone else has to have a crap day.

Scaredycat3000 · 05/11/2016 12:39

How thoughtful he is to his DM, utterly thoughtless to his own family though, guessing that's a theme though? On the plus side it does sound like your MIL isn't egging him on. I've spent far to much of my life traveling across the country, giving up several days at a time to go to OH's family gatherings for him to disappear and leaving me to represent us. I'm happy to stand by him, support him, but there are many places I would rather be if he's not even there. And what is it about 'But I/they can't catch public transport' why not? Public transport can be very inconvenient, but equally can be easier than waiting for your lift, such as in your case. YANBU, you're going to visit your OH's family, your OH should be there especially on the first day , it's a waste of time and money, bus is more convenient for your MIL and she wants to take the bus. Could you have a word with your MIL and ask for support?

NapQueen · 05/11/2016 12:46

Might there be somewhere within a 15/20 min drive of the airport you can go with the kids? A park or beach or shopping mall or something?

DistanceCall · 05/11/2016 12:57

Sounds like you have bigger problems with your partner than you let on in your initial post, OP. Why not start a thread about that rather than pick at trivial things (and this is frankly trivial)?

crazywriter · 05/11/2016 13:03

There's clearly something else there to make you feel this way. The initial op sounds like YABU but you later say he isn't a nice chap. Can't comment properly without all the info.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 05/11/2016 13:35

Whatever his relationship with u is , he's doing a nice thing for his mother. He clearly doesn't live near her, maybe he wants to spend the drive talking with her etc. Can't see the problem.

The problem, Saiorse, is that OP has said DH is an alcoholic and not a nice chap. It also sounds like he is forcing OP to let her kids go on this trip with an alcoholic father.

I agree with the poster who said OP needs to create a new thread about these problems.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 05/11/2016 13:37

At least, I've inferred that he is an alcoholic from OP's concerns about leaving DC with her DH.

pinkyredrose · 05/11/2016 14:28

He's a drinker who you don't trust to look after your DC? I think you've got bigger problems than Mil getting the bus!