AIBU about sleep?

[OhWhatAPalaver]

Dp and I have a 20 week old dd who doesn't like to sleep much and hasn't done for about 2 months now. We are really struggling as we also have a 4 year old dd who has just started school. She is dp's step daughter so he has never experienced baby induced sleep deprivation before.
Now dp is very supportive all day, he makes most evening meals, cleans the kitchen and takes dd1 to school most mornings as he works in schools so he is on his way to work anyway. I do most school pick ups and most laundry stuff. He is so good with dd1 and often takes her to her dad's for me too. He does do a lot. But... at night he doesn't really help at all and thinks I should leave the bedroom with dd2 when she wakes up, which is sometimes 8 times a night at the moment, so that he can sleep because he has to work. He's self employed and worries that lack of sleep would have a detrimental effect on his business.
I don't leave the room because dd2 just usually wants feeding then goes straight back to sleep. If she wakes up properly I do go downstairs with her, even at 2am if she wakes properly then.
So last night was a bad night sleep wise and I was so exhausted I fell asleep in bed while feeding dd and was upset that I put her at risk so I said to dp I really need to sleep, this is dangerous and he flew off the handle at me saying this is the only night he gets to have a decent nights kip as he doesn't have work today and I ruined it. We then had a massive row at 5am. :(
Obviously all partners go through tough times with a new born but I'm sure we should be able to work it so that we both get sleep but dp says that my 'job' is looking after dd so apparently I'm not entitled to sleep. I feel like a wreck at the moment and some days I'm so tired I'm scared to drive. What can we do to sort this out? I've offered to do the evening meal and give him time to chill out with the kids but he says him doing it is a better use of our time because dd might want feeding and he can't feed her (i'm breastfeeding). I'm not being selfish am I? Surely we both need to sleep somehow.

Abs - they would be feeding on demand still 16 hrs a day

I don't think your DH is being U although I feel for you. I'm currently bfing a 4 week old baby as well who's up every hour like clockwork. My DH works during the day and I'm a SAHM so night feeds fall onto me. If as you said your DH is very helpful otherwise and works in the day then he should be sleeping at night.

Here's what worked for us with DD1 and also what I'm doing with DD2:

1. co sleep, learn how to nurse lying down
2. express milk and make DH feed and settle the baby anytime before 11/midnight (DH usually was still awake)
3. you go to sleep early... like at 8pm. Then at least you'll get 4 hours of unbroken sleep
4. during the day nap when baby naps!
5. on weekends when DH doesn't have to work get him to do more feedings, baby holding, and chores whilst you catch up on sleep

OP, i can wholeheartedly advocate for cosleeping here. We didn't want to do it either, but it was an absolute game changer with our non sleeper.

Attached cot to the side of the bed with side off (make sure no gaps). No pillows, loose blankets, tie your hair back and dress yourself warmly for bed. Duvet up to your waist and no higher. Learn to BF on your side, at 20 weeks this is much easier than for a tiny baby. There are videos on YouTube but also your local BF group may be able to help you practice.

You will find that when you have got the knack, you can feed DD back to sleep and barely wake up. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to remember how many times she had fed as stated so sleepy, and if you don't have to sit up going back to sleep is so much easier.

And then at the weekend when DH is not working, that's when he needs to let you go back to bed for a few hours in the morning, not when he should be going back to bed! In the week if he is struggling he can go on the sofa bed and get a full night there. You and the baby will probably be much better off without the disturbance from DH anyway.

Another one for co sleeping here. i would also go to be early, I can't remember one day when my babies were small that OH or I lacked sleep.

A life saver- it was my HV who recommended co sleeping.

Specialapplek has it exactly. I would also add that I think he should sleep elsewhere during the week to get as much good sleep as possible and give you space to turn on the light, not stress about noise and crying.

Can you co-sleep without the cot being next to the bed? We don't have a particularly adjustable cot so the mattress would be at the wrong height for our bed. We do have a sleepyhead but I'm not sure our bed is big enough!

If you're that sleep deprived then co-sleeping isn't going to be safe either. I personally would look at bottle feeding/formula just before bed. It's heavier & will make your child sleep a bit longer.

Regarding the sleepless nights arrangements I think you are being a bit unreasonable here. He is doing everything for your dd1 during the day, and doesn't sound like a bad dad. If he's working full time & you're not working at all it's right for you to take on the lions share of night feeds/caring. But you should just focus on your kids. Give him all of the housework, meal prep, and cleaning to do.

I personally would look at bottle feeding/formula just before bed. It's heavier & will make your child sleep a bit longer.

No, it won't.

Sounds very difficult OP - maybe some men just don't understand how tiring having a breast fed baby can be.

My husband was amazing when DS was born and although I was BF my DH got up every time DS woke to change the nappy then pass him to be for the feed. When DS would have his cluster feeding sessions from about 10pm-2am my DH would sit up with me, we'd put the TV on in the bedroom and spend hours watching Box Sets. He always said to me that DS is just as much his baby as mine so it didn't even occur to him to just leave me to it.

When he left for work in the morning he'd tell me not to do any housework, he'd leave me a packed lunch in the fridge and then he'd come home and cook dinner too. He would then take DS for a few hours so I could get some sleep before the night time shift began. DS didn't nap in the day and I was exhausted all the time so DH would never have left me to just carry the burden myself.

Every weekend when DS woke up, I would BF him then hand him over to DH and I would have another couple of hours in bed. DH would then usually treat me to a cup of tea and breakfast in bed too.

The only reason I'm saying all this is to give you an insight to how 50/50 parenting worked in our family and how much responsibility DH took on outside his hours of work. It would never have even occurs to him to think that just because I wasn't working it meant I was suddenly the household maid and sole career to our child. It genuinely baffles me when I read about how some men treat their partner when a baby comes along. It's as though they think it's a free pass to shirk all household and parenting responsibilities.

When DS hit four months his sleep was so bad that we started co-sleeping and did so until he was 9 months old.

Your DH may be working but that certainly doesn't entitle him to step back from the responsibility of parenting. It's his child too, he made the decision with you to have a baby so he needs to step up do his fair share.

I've safely co-slept and breastfed from day one, little one is not so little at nearly 2. My husband has never done anything at night because a breastfed baby only does want mum. By following the guidelines, you can breastfeed and baby/mum can sleep at the same time.

Op - when you say the mattress wold be at the wrong height, do you meant it would be too low? If so, put some planks of wood under the mattress to raise it.

For those saying that OPs DH shouldn't have to help as much because of working and being self employed I really have do disagree.

My XDP was self employed and worked an extra job a few days a week when DS was born. He was still more than happy to get up in the night to resettle, change nappies or just bring DS to me to bf. If he was getting up for an early shift and DS woke up he'd take him downstairs and get him a bottle of ebm. When he came home from a shift if DS was awake he'd take him and play, change him, feed him etc.

It really all depends on how involved OPs DH wants to be. I certainly had a few nights where I dozed on the sofa whilst DS played in his playpen, but I was never made to leave the bedroom. DS also Co slept at times and it worked well (XDP is an ex for different reasons, he was a very hands on Dad).

OP, remind yourself that this is a stage that will pass. But if all the baby needs is resettling, or to feed to sleep then leaving the room is counterproductive to getting her back to sleep. He needs to remember that being a SAHM to a young baby is not lounging around on the sofa all day and you work hard too (particularly if you get one that doesn't sleep - I feel you on that one!). People can get very precious about their sleep, but if he's not working the next day he should be stepping up a bit more and not blaming you or the baby for ruining his sleep/lie in.

Been there, this stage is an endurance! You are both sleep deprived which is why you're rowing, at one point we were both trying t cope on about 4 hours a night and it simply didn't work.

What worked best for us with both of ours was that I would do a late bottle feed with formula. DW would BF at about 8:30 and then go to bed straight after, I would then settle the child and at between 11 & 12 they would wake for a feed, I would then give a bottle of formula which as it takes longer to digest, would mean tend to sleep for about 4-5 hours and DW would do the next feed.

As such we would both typically get to sleep around 6 (sometimes 7) hours a night plus whatever daytime naps we managed to squeeze in, that was fine with DC1 but when DC2 came along there were almost no points in the day where one could power nap.

It will improve.

Is it the sleepyhead delux or grand? Can you kick dp out of bed, is there somewhere else for him to sleep?
I do all the feeds, wakings etc, because dp has to work full time and I feel (my opinion alone I know) that my job is the baby full time, he helps at the weekends.
I tank my bf 9mo up on formula for the dreamfeed at 11pm and that does help her sleep (again my opinion) so I know she just needs hugs over night and not feeds

Unfortunately formula is a no no for us at the moment as we think she might be CMPA with a possible egg allergy/intolerance so I've gone dairy and egg free. She had quite bad reflux and lots of other symptoms of possible allergy so seeing how it goes.
We have a sleepyhead deluxe but have just read on another thread that they should only be used for supervised sleeping not overnight sleeping?!

The sleepyhead is certified for overnight sleeping. You can put it in the middle of bed high up and pull your pillows down lower either side so you and Dh head about her feet height. Obviously have duvet down low and wear tops inside up higher or your own small cellular blankets.
By being in middle up high she is safe inside sleepyhead from anyone rolling on, but then both you and Dh can resettle her with hand from both sides.

www.sleepyheadofsweden.com/#

You can see here the sleepyhead has past the tests and is 100% breathable

Ps it's the other pods like poddle pods or other cocconbaby etc that aren't certified for overnight sleeping. It's one reason the sleepyhead is more Expensive

Good advice art, we put our sleepyhead in the middle of us. Is an gymnastic feat to feed lying down in it but can be done. You can try sliding the dog bed up after she goes to sleep. We're on the grand now, very big in the bed but hubby is kicked out for bed nights.
Could the reflux be affecting her sleep as well?

Personally I wouldn't cosleep with my DH in the bed too. From everything I've read I don't think it's safe. A breastfeeding mother has a unique awareness of her baby in the bed that no one else does (which is why cosleeping with grandparents is not recommended for example).

If you don't have the room or a cot that matches height wise I would dismantle the bed frame and sleep on a mattress on the floor. You may find this does match up with a cot on the lowest height setting with the side off (ours does) which sets up the safest co sleeping arrangement: separate surface with baby on their own (firm/designed for baby) mattress, with fully breastfed baby and no one else in the bed. You don't have to worry about baby rolling out of bed either.

Have a look at this link from Dd McKenna - he answers lots of cosleeping Qs and talks about setting up a safe co sleeping environment (western adult beds aren't designed for this so usually needs some adjustment).

cosleeping.nd.edu/frequently-asked-questions/#Q23

That LLL safe 7 link someone posted ^^ is good too.

If your baby has reflux and is waking frequently for feeds then it doesn't sound very well controlled and sounds like they are comfort sucking. DD had silent reflux and cmpa and soy allergies (oh and TT and colic!) and never fucking slept unless attached to the boob so I've been where you have. It's tough but (safe) cosleeping saved my sanity.

Get your baby's reflux under control, it will help loads. My DD needed 20mg Omeprazole daily to achieve symptom control.

You may find the book 'colic solved' (all about reflux) very helpful. It's available on Amazon

Thanks so much for all your replies.
Abso her reflux has calmed down a lot since I've cut dairy and egg, so much so I don't think reflux meds are needed, thankfully. The only issue she has that definitely keeps her awake occasionally is farts! She's teething a lot recently too.
That's a good idea about books under the cot, we've already done that at one end to raise her slightly to help with reflux so should be able to rearrange the room a bit and tske.

Whoops posted too soon!
... and take the side off the cot. Will it still be structurally sound though with one side off?
I wouldn't want to put dd in the middle of me and dp either, just because he moves around so heavily all frigging night!! Plus our mattress is really soft and bouncey, (i hate it, we need a new one!) so not ideal for a baby.

Your mattress doesn't sound safe for cosleeping. It needs to be firm and flat.... Here's the test you can do:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=9u-IUzGao2U&feature=youtu.be

Agreed he doesn't sound safe to cosleep: heavy sleeper, doesn't see the night waking as his job, gets annoyed if you accidentally wake him breastfeeding and settling the baby... If someone shares a bed with a baby they need to be fully engaged and feel 100% responsible for the baby too or there is a greater risk of suffocation.

Out cot is structurally sound with one side off (it doesn't wobble or move) but it's also a cot bed so it's designed for the sides to be removed at some point. I also have it pushed right up against the adult mattress so there is no gap and before we get in every night I go round and push it all together again to make sure it hasn't moved at all.

Hopefully her farts will calm down when the dairy and egg free diet takes affect. Has she been referred to a Paediatrician? We saw a Paediatric dietician for weaning advice as your baby will have to be dairy and egg free themselves. Have you looked into cutting out soya too? Most babies who are dairy allergic are soy intolerant too

You could co-sleep safely with you in between your husband and baby (in the middle). You baby would be on the outside and you could use bed guards to make sure she doesn't fall out. We use a baby dan one from Amazon.