AIBU about sleep?

[OhWhatAPalaver]

Dp and I have a 20 week old dd who doesn't like to sleep much and hasn't done for about 2 months now. We are really struggling as we also have a 4 year old dd who has just started school. She is dp's step daughter so he has never experienced baby induced sleep deprivation before.
Now dp is very supportive all day, he makes most evening meals, cleans the kitchen and takes dd1 to school most mornings as he works in schools so he is on his way to work anyway. I do most school pick ups and most laundry stuff. He is so good with dd1 and often takes her to her dad's for me too. He does do a lot. But... at night he doesn't really help at all and thinks I should leave the bedroom with dd2 when she wakes up, which is sometimes 8 times a night at the moment, so that he can sleep because he has to work. He's self employed and worries that lack of sleep would have a detrimental effect on his business.
I don't leave the room because dd2 just usually wants feeding then goes straight back to sleep. If she wakes up properly I do go downstairs with her, even at 2am if she wakes properly then.
So last night was a bad night sleep wise and I was so exhausted I fell asleep in bed while feeding dd and was upset that I put her at risk so I said to dp I really need to sleep, this is dangerous and he flew off the handle at me saying this is the only night he gets to have a decent nights kip as he doesn't have work today and I ruined it. We then had a massive row at 5am. :(
Obviously all partners go through tough times with a new born but I'm sure we should be able to work it so that we both get sleep but dp says that my 'job' is looking after dd so apparently I'm not entitled to sleep. I feel like a wreck at the moment and some days I'm so tired I'm scared to drive. What can we do to sort this out? I've offered to do the evening meal and give him time to chill out with the kids but he says him doing it is a better use of our time because dd might want feeding and he can't feed her (i'm breastfeeding). I'm not being selfish am I? Surely we both need to sleep somehow.

Oh OP, I feel for you - sleep deprivation is the pits and he probably doesn't appreciate just what it feels like. Although I personally don't think it's reasonable to expect a working parent to do 50%, he's being VERY unreasonable and extremely selfish to think it's your job all the time and that you should protect his sleep by getting up.

With both our DCs, DH slept in the spare room most nights so he had enough sleep to function at work and also so he was fresh enough to give me a break at least two nights a week. And of course whenever I got desperate he'd step up and do whatever was needed. Is an arrangement like that a possibility?

Hope you managed to have that calm discussion. It's very hard when you're both suffering sleep deprivation as it does make you selfish and irrational.

My partner works and at first i tried to do all the night feeds because i felt guilty however, he started having her from when she went down at 8pm til her first feed at about 12pm. He would then feed her settle her and then come get me to swap. We sleep in the living room with LO so DP can get ready for work without disturbing her. However she will only settle for me now so im back to no sleep

Bet your DH isn't working 24 hours a day happymum. If you're happy to do more than your share, that's your business, but I'd hope your DH would have the decency to sod off elsewhere if his sleep can't possibly be disturbed, rather than kick off at you because the baby's woken up again and you had the temerity not to get out of bed. Or to exhibit the effects of an exhaustion he's choosing not to alleviate.

I think you're both right and wrong. I do think you should be doing the majority of work in the night, as you get more chance to rest in the day. I don't think you should be the one to leave the room, rather he sleep somewhere else, if possible.

We managed to let each other have a couple of hours yesterday. It's more difficult when he's got work the next day though as depending on how dd sleeps I might have to go downstairs with her in the early hours or I guess he could go sleep on the sofa bed. We didn't so much as have an in depth talk, we're just consciously trying to allow the other to have a bit of uninterrupted sleep when possible. Going to try and put dd back to bed now, wish me luck!

When I was on mat leave and DH was working, I did all the night time stuff for the boys. I could doze on the sofa with ds1 in the playpen and ds2 in his cot if it got really bad. I also did most of the cooking and housework as I was home to do it. DH had to work and he needed a decent night to be able to.

However when I went back to work full time, DH switched to work from home. He did all the night time stuff (still does although now they're 9&10 it's much rarer) while I got a good sleep in. He can doze in the day if needed and I have to be alert at work.

So I think op should be doing all the night stuff Sunday-Thursday (assuming her dp works mon-fri) but that he should help out fri & sat nights to give her a break and a chance of some sleep. It's not fair to ask someone who works a 10h day to do so on very little sleep and it sounds like he's really trying to pick up and do his share in the evening when he gets in.

Your partner need to sleep on the sofa or spare bed/sofa bed and you should stay in the bedroom with our baby, cosleeping if you need to for everyone to get more sleep.

That is what me and DH do and it works fine.

Here's what Dr McKenna one of the worlds leading researchers on infant sleep has to say about cosleeping (to reassure you)

neuroanthropology.net/2008/12/21/cosleeping-and-biological-imperatives-why-human-babies-do-not-and-should-not-sleep-alone/

You might also find this info from UNICEF helpful:

353ld710iigr2n4po7k4kgvv-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2011/11/Caring-for-your-Baby-at-Night-A-Health-Professionals-Guide.pdf

Ps, your DH does sound like he's being a bit of a dick about it though

Bf makes nightfeeds so much harder! My OH works full time Monday through Friday. I'm at home with 5 yr old (school runs, homework and extra curricular activitys and speech therapy are my job), 21 month and 14 week babies at home so while he's at work I do everything with them. OH comes home and takes over so I can do dinner. We share bedtime routines. One does bedtime other cleans up after dinner. We share laundry responsibilities and have the general if we spot something needs tidying up we do it. Weekends he gets up with 5 yr old and 21 month old lets me lie on with baby until I'm ready to get up. He will go for a nap in the afternoon if need be. With 21 month old I was left to do everything because he worked and it crushed me. This time round we're taking turns and so far it seems to be working. I think you both need to find a balance that works for both of you. Best of luck you can fort things out xx

Hi OP,

I would think about trying to get baby in some kind of routine, it will help with the night waking and will give more structure and perhaps help with handing Baby over to him for a bit of time

Just thought again that you said your baby is 20 weeks and sleep has been worse recently... It's probably the 4 month sleep regression which is a killer. They also have a growth spurt at the same time hence waking to feed more.

After reading your OP again, honestly your DH does need an attitude adjustment. He really does need to be the one who sleeps so where else, especially if you think he's waking the baby up with his snoring. You shouldn't be going downstairs in the middle of the night waking yourself and the bay up even more and also risking the VERY dangerous situation of falling asleep feeding your baby on the sofa!!!!

Set up a safe cosleeping environment and plan to feed lying down... With your DH somewhere else. I really think it's the safest option. Good luck

*baby not bay

We had the same issue with DD and it was more practical for DD and I to move into the spare room where we do-slept and fed sleeping down. It was the only thing that saved my sanity. With DS I did similar but straight away and it was less stressful.

Your DH can be more helpful at weekends though and try to give you 2-3 hours uninterrupted sleep.

OP I was extremely reluctant to cosleep when DD was a baby but she went through a phase like this and itnliterally saved my sanity. My DH would get up and try to settle her but she just wanted the comfort of the boob so I started cosleeping until she grew out of it

Try Expressing so your DH can do some feeds
Establish a routine
Try to get your DD to learn to settle to sleep on her own rather than feeding to sleep

I've just moved into the spare room with baby, similar age, because there is no point us both being exhausted.

Baby is feeding multiple times and as bf husband can't do anything.

When I'm confident that baby is waking only for comfort and isn't hungry- which is not now. Then will alternate nights.

Crumbs I read your post and thought how lucky you are with how much he is doing and taking your DD to school for you aswell. A friend of mine used to go to bed about 9pm and her DH used to do the late evening feed and she would do the early morning. It worked well for them as he was a night bird. You would have to express/give a bottle could you do that?

Faraway the OPs baby is only 20 weeks old.... Too young for any sleep training teaching them to 'self settle'. What they need at this age is mum/milk/comfort.

Also you need to go to bed when baby does, even though it's boring. So if baby is asleep 8-midnight say you need to sleep then.

It will get easier as baby will sleep longer.

And at weekend he can take both children for an hour so you can sleep in the day

Do you have a spare bed? I agree with others who have suggested that you sleep with the baby and DH sleeps elsewhere. Then you can have the baby in with you and feed her, comfort her and just fall asleep as often as you can after being disturbed by her.

If you can learn how to feed her whilst lying down, you will be delighted.

Also, just keep reminding yourself that four months in is a killer because you are knackered but they are still so little!

Sometimes just accepting that life aint great at the moment helps . All things must pass.

It is absolutely not right for you to get up at night and leave the room. That is totally unnessarily disturbing you and your baby.

If he can't sleep through it using ear plugs he should make himself a temporary bed elsewhere in the house for a while until the sleep is sorted.

You would probably find thst with him taken out of the equation it is much easier for you yo co sleep and settle the baby.

The aim should be minimum disruption not you getting up abd down all night.

I can't bear it when people say mums cam just rest in the day. WHY should a mum work 24 hours a day and never get a block of proper sleep? It drives you absolutely crazy if you don't get some proper sleep...Both parents need to share the burden even if naturally the breastfeeding mum does the lions share.

Op I recommend getting the baby on the bottle for at least one feed which your partner cpuld do at about 11 pm. THAT way you can get a chunk of sleep from bedtime till about 2 am.

If a man works in the day and sleeps soundly all night ....how is their life impacted by being a parent ?! meanwhile the mum has 2 hours sleep then spends all day alone looking after a small baby.hardly a holiday !!

Thanks for all your replies. I will try and learn to bf lying down, hopefully she will like it, dd1 never did :/
I wouldn't mind if I did get to sleep in the day but she hardly sleeps in the day either. Max 20 mins most of the time.
Dp inadvertently fell asleep on sofa tonight and has just come up to bed so at least he's had some sleep!

I think you can sleep train at 4 months with breastfeeding. If you feed unlimited on demand in the day, at 4 months I don't think they need unlimited all night.

Feed unlimited 7am-11pm. Then 11pm-7am I would only feed once, at 3pm or later. Feed at 11pm, then if baby wakes again before 3am then Dh needs to settle her with rocking, soothing or water if hot. Feed any waking after 3pm, then again not until 7am. 4 hrs feeding overnight is perfectly reasonable when they have unlimited the other 16hrs a day.
By not feeding at every waking baby also learns to sleep longer eventually if just soothed straight back to sleep

Current evidence supports breastfeeding on demand for the first 6 months and not feeding by schedule....

I guess it depends on babys personality but my baby not only woke for milk at 4-5 months (she was hungry, they have a growth spurt at this age) but she also wanted the boob for emotional comfort. She was hysterical if you tried to offer anything else so for my baby 'sleep training' at this age not to take the boob would have been horrific. I would not deny her the comfort she needed (she is very high needs emotionally).

OP, did you ever chat with your DH again about his attitude?