The eloquent posts on here show how it's perfectly possible to convey one's own feelings but with great compassion and love. This guy is a writer! For me it is that which makes it so searing for me.
He has put all the invective, all the me me me , all the selfishness, all the negativity, all that negative not allowed stuff into words. Stark, unapologetic, unpleasant, unacknowledged thoughts expressed 'out loud'.
He has written, clearly and publicly about a phase of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) we rarely talk about, rarely admit we go through. Our anger, our displeasure, our sheer hatred, of the person that commits suicide, the effect this has on those left to pick up the pieces. Our feelings that 'oh,if only they had been stronger, had talked to me, to anyone, been braver, less selfish, etc etc'.
That he, a grandfather, has written about his granddaughter like this is shockingly stark. Shockingly 'bad'.
It is that that struck a chord with me. I helped DH through his feelings of anger, betrayal, self loathing, inadequacy. I heard him voice very similar sentiments. I was encouraged to do so by the Family Liaison team. DH worked through it, got to acceptance.
I forgot to do that for myself... as I said earlier, had I read this piece 16 years ago I would have instantly recognised the sentiments and realised that I too needed to acknowledge them in myself, that they are normal. It would have saved me so many years of broken sleep, 'If Only'ing' and that sneaking feeling that I am a totally abhorrent person!
My reaction was normal, his reaction is too.
From the posts here it seems that as many people find the piece an affirmation as think it is abhorrent. Either way, we are all getting space to explore and vent our feelings... a good thing, I think!