To think DH needs to come to terms that his father has met somebody else?

[Writerwannabe83]

Two and a half years ago my MIL died quite unexpectedly. She had been unwell for about 8 months but suddenly took a turn for the worse and died about ten days after she had presented to A&E. She was 62 and she and FIL had been together for about 40 years.

Anyway, 5 months after her death my FIL came to visit and told us he'd met another woman. My DH took this extremely badly due to it being so soon after his mother's death. FIL had met this other woman at a support group for those who'd been bereaved as she'd lost her husband to the same disease that had taken MIL.

Fast forward to now, it is two years down the line and DH still won't accept this woman as being part of his father's life. DH has met her once when we went to visit FIL and she was unexpectedly there. DH said hello briefly but we then left after about 5 minutes. This was the first time I had met her too.

Despite knowing her name he refers to her as "that woman" if for any reason she comes into conversation between us both.

I have met her plenty of times when I've been at FIL's house on my own and she is perfectly nice.

DH has a brother (who is married with three children) and the woman has been fully accepted by him and about once a month they all go out on a day trip together as a family with the children.

We always used to have Christmas Dinner at FIL's house but we haven't the last two years and won't again this year because DH won't go there if she is.

I have tried to talk to him about how his dad needs companionship and it isn't fair to punish him (for want of a better word) for having met someone.

I acknowledge that it was quick to happen after DH's mother's death but surely if they've been together for over 2 years then my DH needs to find a way to accept the relationship? Things are quite strained between DH and FIL, it's like the white elephant in the room all the time and now it's affecting our son's relationship with his grandad as they hardly spend time together anymore as DH don't go to FILs house in case the woman is there and FIL knows she wouldn't be welcomed at ours by DH.

I feel sorry for FIL as he's in such a difficult position as he obviously doesn't want to upset my DH but he shouldn't be forced to live a lonely life and not have anyone to share it with should he? Why should he have to choose between his partner and my DH?

I haven't lost a parent so I don't know how it feels when another person is added into the mix after a death so I genuinely don't know if I'm expecting too much?

When I try and talk to DH about it he gets defensive and angry, says he can't believe I would question him about his thought process when I know how much he loved his mum.
I feel like we're going round in circles.

Has anyone got any thoughts or been in a similar circumstance who can advise me on how to deal with this situation?

I can give another 'side' to this. My mother passed away and my father was dating within a month. I initially accepted it, after all my father was an adult and free to do what he wants to do. Privately I was hurt and disappointed that my father could act so hastily but my parents marriage wasn't all roses (mum was alcoholic) and I understood my father wanted happiness. The problem was that neither my father, nor his new girlfriend who had only lost HER husband just a month before my mother died was respectful about mine and my brothers grief. They both acted like lovesick teenagers, my father dropped off the radar completely and started lying about how much time they were together (in the beginning it was just a friendship, companionship, nothing more). She very quickly got very comfortable in my fathers home and did her very best to push me, my brother and my children out.
Things came to a head when I brought up the things I was unhappy with to my father (who previously I could speak my opinion freely to) and he repeated everything I said straight back to the GF. She kicked off and caused a huge drama about me 'interfering' and broke up with my father.
He was devastated, blamed me, immediately got back together with her and suddenly I was the outcast. She, I suspect got my father to chose between her and me and I was out. She moved in with him 5 months after my mothers death and has taken control of all my fathers affairs, house, the lot. He's refused to speak to me since and has not seen his GC's for over 18 months. When I try to speak to him he wants me gone as it causes trouble between him and his GF.

I think a lot depends on how the other woman has been towards your DH, I was quite prepared to accept my dads GF but they weren't respectul to the greiving process of us. Does your DH feel his father was possibly seeing this woman before his DM died? I do with my father....I know they knew each other before. It's a horrible feeling, I felt my insides had been ripped out and have effectively lost both my parents. Sad situation.

Does your DH feel his father was possibly seeing this woman before his DM died?

Definitely not. My PIL were incredibly happy together, my FIL was crushed when she died, it was heart breaking to see him fall apart in the way he did and I knits different for me but seeing him happy again makes me happy.

DS is only 2 and has met this other woman about three times that I know of (when with me) but I suspect that when FIL has babysat or taken DS out for the day etc then I'm sure the woman was probably present.

FIL frequently goes to the grave of MIL and I take DS every few weeks but for some reason DH very rarely goes. He will go on anniversaries or special dates but he'd never just randomly go whereas the rest of us do.

I think my DH struggles a lot more than he makes out. We used to regularly watch our wedding DVD but now we haven't watched it since his DM died because he can't bear to. He's also told me that he can never enjoy Christmas ever again now that his mom has gone, he said it will never be the same again. That upset me a little as we have DS and I want DH to genuinely enjoy Christmas with him as opposed to just 'going through the motions' of the day. Last year he said he could just eradicate Christmas altogether and if he could he'd just stay in bed all day and let the day go past uncelebrated because now his mom isn't here Christmas isn't the same. I'm dreading Christmas a little bit now as how can I get the tree and the decorations out with DS and have such merriment when I know that DH doesn't want any of it.

It's so complicated.

Maybe tell your DH my story. We lost my mum 9 years ago. I was horrified at the thought of my dad meeting someone else.
However it never happened instead he was lonely and depressed and this year he took his own life.
I now wish he had met someone else who could have brought him some joy

I'm very sorry to hear that diet

I don't think this is about the new woman at all. He's obviously still waking up after 2 years devastated that she's gone, and his dad having a new partner perhaps makes him feel like he's the only one "left" who is actively grieving of the 3 of them. If he accepts the situation then that effectively ends the period in which it's acceptable to feel the way he does and he's the last one in the background upholding his mum's... I don't know what the word is, not honour exactly.

Just a theory!

Would he go to bereavement counselling? He is right that Christmas will never be the same again but that does not mean he cannot enjoy it again - and I say that at someone with various empty places around the table.

I think your DH needs to be careful he doesn't also lose his DF too.

Sadly I understand this situation far too well but ultimately it's no-one's fault his DM died or he met someone else.

It's also far better he's found companionship and isn't turning full time to you for support as that would be far worse.

Suggest he could look into Grief Counselling as that might help him. At the minute he's turned this woman into the focus of his grief and that serves no good to anyone.

I'm so sorry about your dad diet but I think we need to be careful between the narrative of 'stays single = lonely and miserable"

Lots of harsh responses on here!

When my DM died, my Dad was dating within 2 weeks and suggested that she moved in after 2 weeks. There were a number of other women that followed the same pattern after that. Grief does very funny things to people, and logically I knew that, but it was hideously painful at the time. I really hated him for it. Almost like the previous 40 years had been a lie and felt so disrespectful to my mum - it was like she had been erased. It delayed the grieving process for both my sister and I.

My Dad remarried after a number of years but I don't think of him in the same way and the relationships within the family aren't the same as they were but you make a new normal. I wouldn't push DH to accept his Dad's partner - that makes it worse IME. I would focus on helping him cope with his own grief by allowing him to remember his mum. The passage of time will help the acceptance of what is the reality now.

I don't think your FIL was unreasonable to start seeing someone so soon after MIL's death, his mistake was in not keeping it off the radar for a while and giving your DH time to grieve at his own pace before bringing her into his sons' lives too. As someone else said, he must now feel he is the only one left who is still going through the grieving process and having 'that woman' shoved into his life before he had reached a point where he could cope with it may have derailed his grieving process so badly that he just can't get back on track.

People grieve differently and a different paces, and just because FIL is ready to move on it is selfish to force even an adult child to move on before they are ready, it just totally backfires.

Well it does say. Till death do us part, so YNBU. However neither is. His mum. He obviously and rightly, guess has the view of.
"Hold on my lovely mum has only been dead for 5 months and already my dads found a replacement. FFS. She's not even cold, yet."
Of course you have to move on, but. I can understand him think the time frame is too soon. However. That's not to say I don't wish your FIL every happiness

I'm so sorry about your dad diet but I think we need to be careful between the narrative of 'stays single = lonely and miserable"

But we are talking about someone been married for many years and had his soulmate taken away. Part of the new normal may be that he finds it easier with a partner or companion. Some people may not find that and prefer to stay single. But some people do give up on life in this situation, that's the reality . It isn't as simple as 'you need to find a way to be happy single first' as per the relationship boards.

Yes your DH is hurting but his behaviour is also awful, and you need to talk to him - it can't go on without hurting your relationship and his relationship with his father. You and his dad pandering to it won't help either.

You need to sit down with your DH and tell him straight that although you can see he is hurting he is being hurtful. Ask him if he think his mum would be proud to see him being petty and spiteful, if he thinks his dad deserves to be miserable and alone, and tell him straight that the only thing he is achieving is to damage his relationships with you and with his dad.

Do NOT refer to this poor woman as the other woman, and when your DH refers to her as such, or as SHE, you need to politely say 'do you mean Mandy/Karen/whatever her name is?' She's not Voldemort, FFS! I know it's hard but you can't allow the cycle of drama to continue or he will never be reasonable!

my dad died when I was young, my kids will never know him. My mother remarried before I had them. They call them their grandmother and her husband, and refer to him by name rather than any family "title". He's not their grandfather and I was an adult before they got together so he has never really been my stepfather either (I know legally he is, but we never had that relationship)

I talk to them about their actual grandfather too.

Your husband could maybe do the same, your son won't know her by any other means than if he talks about her.

His dad needs to make sure to NEVER put her where your MIL should be in things like family weddings etc (My mother tried this, they weren't even living together yet she wanted me to let her now-husband be where my dad should be in my wedding. No. And she asked me where his father's day card was - he's neither my father nor did he raise me so I won't ever see him as such)

I hope you can help them to eventually find a ballance.

He's not coping, is he?

The fact that he doesn't try to stop you visiting your FIL with the children suggests that deep down he knows he's being unreasonable about the new woman.

I'd be pushing for him to go to bereavement counselling, but I'd be using the Christmas issue as the impetus - leave the woman out of it. She'll come up once he's there.

I think you are doing brilliantly to cope with this so well, by the way. It must be hard.

My brothers wife died after a long illness two years ago Early 50s. They were happy and he's now going out with someone who also makes him happy. I'm overjoyed for him as hewants to be with someone and she's lovely.

His son is finding it really hard . But acknowledges that is more about managing his grief. He's getting counselling and trying to manage it.

Your husband is still grieving and sound desperately sad. It's hard if he won't look for help.

I think, statistically, that men who have lost partners after happy relationships are the quickest group to be involved in new relationships (compared to unhappy men/happy or unhappy women).

They are looking to replicate the joy/happiness etc rather than replace the actual partner. So it is a testament to how happy your FiL was with your MiL that has led to this situation.

This really helped my SiL when her father quickly found a new partner after her step-mum died.

This might sound harsh, but I think that you need to stop "pandering" to him (for want of a better word.)

Don't feel guilty about taking DS to see his GF. Tell DH that you will be going at Christmas, with or without him.

Make it clear that yes, you understand its devastating that he's lost his mother, but that he's selfishly robbing his son of the chance to grow up with memories of his family like DH did. And that he needs to accept that things have changed, and this is how it now is. He can either continue to be a selfish arse, or he grow up and accept that life does go on, no matter how hard we find it. It's time to make new traditions with your DS, to add to the old ones.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, it's really helpful to hear everyone's thoughts and hear about personal experiences of being in similar circumstances.

I've got a busy few days at work and then I'm going to sit down with DH and try to talk to him about it again.