To think DH needs to come to terms that his father has met somebody else?

[Writerwannabe83]

Two and a half years ago my MIL died quite unexpectedly. She had been unwell for about 8 months but suddenly took a turn for the worse and died about ten days after she had presented to A&E. She was 62 and she and FIL had been together for about 40 years.

Anyway, 5 months after her death my FIL came to visit and told us he'd met another woman. My DH took this extremely badly due to it being so soon after his mother's death. FIL had met this other woman at a support group for those who'd been bereaved as she'd lost her husband to the same disease that had taken MIL.

Fast forward to now, it is two years down the line and DH still won't accept this woman as being part of his father's life. DH has met her once when we went to visit FIL and she was unexpectedly there. DH said hello briefly but we then left after about 5 minutes. This was the first time I had met her too.

Despite knowing her name he refers to her as "that woman" if for any reason she comes into conversation between us both.

I have met her plenty of times when I've been at FIL's house on my own and she is perfectly nice.

DH has a brother (who is married with three children) and the woman has been fully accepted by him and about once a month they all go out on a day trip together as a family with the children.

We always used to have Christmas Dinner at FIL's house but we haven't the last two years and won't again this year because DH won't go there if she is.

I have tried to talk to him about how his dad needs companionship and it isn't fair to punish him (for want of a better word) for having met someone.

I acknowledge that it was quick to happen after DH's mother's death but surely if they've been together for over 2 years then my DH needs to find a way to accept the relationship? Things are quite strained between DH and FIL, it's like the white elephant in the room all the time and now it's affecting our son's relationship with his grandad as they hardly spend time together anymore as DH don't go to FILs house in case the woman is there and FIL knows she wouldn't be welcomed at ours by DH.

I feel sorry for FIL as he's in such a difficult position as he obviously doesn't want to upset my DH but he shouldn't be forced to live a lonely life and not have anyone to share it with should he? Why should he have to choose between his partner and my DH?

I haven't lost a parent so I don't know how it feels when another person is added into the mix after a death so I genuinely don't know if I'm expecting too much?

When I try and talk to DH about it he gets defensive and angry, says he can't believe I would question him about his thought process when I know how much he loved his mum.
I feel like we're going round in circles.

Has anyone got any thoughts or been in a similar circumstance who can advise me on how to deal with this situation?

I think this is all stemming from a lot of unresolved grief and guilt and it would really help him and thus all of you if he could find a really good counsellor to help tease out and process these feelings. He just can't move past this and so he's fixating his anger at his mum's death on this tangible 'thing' of his dads new relationship. He obviously feels like he'd be betraying his mothers memory and somehow forgetting her/letting her drift into the past if he accepts this woman. Very sad for all, esp the father and nice new woman!

Your husband is being unbelievably immature and selfish, seriously he needs to grow up! What would he do in his dads situation? Stay miserable and single forever?

I think he would benefit from some counselling as well.

He is angry but the anger is being totally misdirected as his dad and his partner, my guess is he is angry with his mum for dying and with himself for not doing more.

It's very sad but I wouldn't judge your DH too harshly. Grief is very personal and has many many layers.

It's one of those things that until you've been in that situation you honestly don't know how you would feel.

Your husband is being incredibly unreasonable, but at the same time, I feel really sorry for him. It must be hellish for him to live like that. I agree with other posters who suggest that some sort of grief counselling could be beneficial for him to understand that your FIL finding a new happiness doesn't replace the life he had with your MIL, as well as help him come to terms with his own loss.

I've seen a situation similar to this and it's honestly painful to watch my friend be so stubborn over it, and alienating herself from her family.

I also think it's misdirected anger.

It won't be about the inheritance, my DH isn't financially focused at all, this won't even have occurred to him. I imagine if the woman has lost her husband too she would be in a comfortable financial position herself though I obviously can't say for sure.

They just genuinely seem to find comfort in each other. They are always going out on trips out together, they've been on holiday together twice, my FIL has been fully welcomed into their family and they just seem to have a nice, caring, stable relationship.

She looked nervous when I went over last night as though she was worried I would ignore her or blank her out of loyalty to DH. It must upset her to think she's causing a wedge between FIL and DH when it's completely not her fault.

I think it depends on many factors. I can certainly understand how your DH feels even though he is being unreasonable.

Why does he feel it's an affront to his mum's memory. Does FIL not like talking about her memory, is DH encouraged to just "get over it"? This could be a a reason for his behaviour. If DH's coping mechanism is to "wallow" and FIL's is to get on and not mention her, there is a problem. Neither of them is wrong but they need to respect each other's way of grieving.
So, what can actually be done? It's well and good to say your husband should when he won't.
So first of all i'd stop putting any pressure on him to change his behaviour. Do what you want to do but be sympathetic to DH. Give him an opportunity to talk about his mum, do something positive to remember her maybe even with FIL.
There is no easy way and he may never fully accept her: it's not grown-up or reasonable but it's a possibility. It doesn't make him a bad person though.
And hopefully, he will come to accept her if he can understand -emotionally- that your FIL' s partner is not here to replace his mum.

Totally agree with eyespy and girlie - it's unresolved grief and misdirected anger. Ask him to contact Cruse. I feel so sad for your husband (even though he is being very unreasonable - grief does funny things to us)

There's no way he'd have counselling and if I were to suggest it he would just laugh. Surely to have counselling you have to sort of accept that thoughts/behaviour aren't normal and so want to change them whereas DH sees no problem with his reaction to this woman, he thinks it's normal to feel/act this way.

Your DH is not being unreasonable - these things are never black and white. He is probably uncomfortable with lots of things:

1. The speed of the new relationship means that his DM was very easy to replace when she was supposed to be special.
2. This woman is now living the life that was stolen from his mum when she died so young
3. His DF has obviously moved on with his new partner, but your DH doesn't get to move on as his mother can never be replaced.
4. He has been left alone to grieve by his dad who is now happy.

Your DH is still grieving and this is not a 'logical' process.

FWIW my FIL got together with his second wife as MIL was dying in the hospice. DH relationship with his dad has never recovered. It is incredibly painful to listen to your parent tell you how happy they are with their fabulous new partner when you are still in the black hole of grief.

Can you talk to your FIL and ask him to create some time for your DH and your family away from the new girlfriend? Make him understand it is not a personal dislike of her, but simply that your DH is still grieving?
I think your DH feels like he has been steamrollered and his feelings dismissed by his DF.

I think people describing the husband as 'horrible' are being ridiculously harsh. He's clearly grieving and finding it exceptionally difficult. I too would struggle to see one of my parents with someone else so quickly.

However, his dad and the new woman have been together some time now. She isn't going away and he'll have to accept that if he doesn't want to lose his father as well as his mother. They don't have to be close, but if he can't find a way to at least tolerate her it will ruin his relationship with his dad eventually.

OP - I think you're doing exactly the right (very kind) thing by ensuring your son doesn't lose contact with his grandfather. This may well help your husband to come round.

DH and FIL go out together every weekend, they go to the football/rugby together and then for some drinks afterwards. They get on really well but they never speak about the other woman. Like I said, it's the white elephant in the room.

I think one aspect DH really struggles with is that this woman is having the opportunity to spend time with the grandchildren and will see them grow up whereas his DM will never get that chance. MIL got to hold DS the day he was born but never did again as she was so weak. She died when our DS was three months old so he will never have any memory of her and that really upsets DH. In reference to his brother's children, who are 2, 4 and 6, he says it should be his mom cuddling them, not this other woman.

I don't think he wants DS to grow up thinking this woman is his Grandma if you know what I mean?

It's very sad.

I think your DH needs to get some grief counselling.

The thing is- these two individuals were going to a support group, and are grieving together. My guess is that they aren't having the most fun party of their lives, they are turning to each other in a time of great need and do in fact talk about their previous loves/process their grief together.

It is very common for people to take up with someone else at a time which seems like unseemly haste, but the very obvious reason is that the FIL is completely alone, unlike the DH's in this situation, who still have their wives and families to talk about and grieve with.

If you have had a long and happy marriage, the loss of a partner is just a huge and aching hole of emptiness, which getting invited around once a week for dinner to your son's won't fill.

My parents are divorced and so have had more than one relationship since splitting up. I felt resentment to the 'other woman' in my dad's case, but that died off after about 2 years and I now have a very good relationship with her and see her to be a part of my family.

It may be too early for him to let go of this bitterness, but I don't think his dad should live alone for many years before finding someone just so his son can grieve in his own timescale- when would be 'enough' time?

I agree with Bountybar - my friend's mum died young and his dad very rapidly got together with the woman who nursed his mother. Their relationship was prickly at best but after a couple years they managed to be polite around each other.
15 years later his dad has also died and he and his stepmother have become pretty close, because she's the only person who remembers his parents' relationship and the main one who knew his father.

Two years is a short time in the rest of your lives.

I would gently ask your husband what would happen if you got hit by a bus next week. Would he spend the next 30, 40, 50 years alone and lonely? Never desiring companionship, love, intimacy again? Going without forever in the memory of your honor or to make the children 'comfortable' ? Because that's not what you would want for him. So why does he want it for his father and the lovely woman he's met (who also lost her husband)?

And gently tell him it's not about 'how long' they waited. No one else gets to dictate to others what is appropriate in terms of waiting/grief ... especially for older people who have less time in front of them relatively to live.

AlwaysChanging's post of 10:01:26 is bloody brilliant

It's so difficult. I always had a really good relationship with my PIL so I find it hard as I'm torn a little between my FIL and my DH.

When I went to see FIL last night and the other woman I felt like I was betraying DH.

When I was at FIL's house last night my FIL knew that DH had been at home with me and chosen not to come because the other woman was there and it must have really upset both of them to feel so shunned.

I would love to take DS to see FIL on Christmas Day but realistically I know I won't as I wouldn't feel right leaving DH at home on his own.

His DF has obviously moved on with his new partner, but your DH doesn't get to move on as his mother can never be replaced

Just like the woman who died who he was married to for many years can't be replaced. It just isn't that simple at all.

And sorry I meant to say it isn't 'moving on'. It's his father learning how to cope in the new life that he didn't choose.

I also think it cannot be compared with parents who have divorced.

OK five months was really very quick to get together with a new woman wasnt it?
So I can understand your DH feeling a bit about it.

On the other hand he needs to see his dad as a human who probably hated being alone.

When my mum died in the March my stepfather was with another woman by the summer, and remarried the following summer. I was a bit ....taken aback by the speed of this but managed to be an adult about it and attend the wedding.

As adult children we need to grow the fuck up and see our parents as normal humans.

How dare anyone judge that five months is "too soon." Says who? For what?

Can your dc refer this woman as an aunt, rather than grandmother. That way, they are not replacing your mil, but still acknowledging her status in the family.

Does your fil ever spenfpd time with dh remembering mil? Eg. On birthdays, anniversaries. Eg visit the grave, go to family favourite spots etc. Maybe dh needs reassurance that mil hasn't been forgotten and replaced.

Does the woman live with fil, or is just a companion?

i think it's lovely your fil has this friendship.

He is being incredibly self centred, stemming from grief and anger. He needs to address it. He is his father's son not the keeper of his father's life.

This is not a morality issue. Though he is trying to paint it thus.

" Can your dc refer this woman as an aunt, "

well that would be really weird tbh. They could refer to her as eg 'Beryl' or 'Ivy' or whatever her name is.

OP I come at this from the other side so to speak. I was 54 when my DH died, he was 57. We were gong to grow old together, retire to Portugal, bounce our grandkids on our knees. When he died the future we had planned died with him.
I had two choices. I could sit in the corner with a coat over my head for the rest of my life or I could go out and grab life by the balls. I was dating again after 5 months. No-one I have met (and I have met some really lovely people including my DP) could "replace" my DH. After what will be 7 years this New Years Eve, I still tear up at random moments; I still talk to my late DH about things and wonder what he would have made of what was happening in my life and our DCs lives.
Just because your DFil has found happiness again it does not wipe all his and his late DW's history. I expect your DFil may feel the same.
I really hope your DH can get past this. I think it is unhealthy and makes your poor DFil's life harder than it needs to be.