AIBU to be sodding bewildered and tearfull over my crappy brother?!

[SongforSal]

Backstory as so I don't drip feed. Dp and I are going through the wringer. The last several years have been a financial nightmare. Unexpected redundancy exhausted all savings. We have 2 Dc's. He is back at work with a 10k pay drop. My budgeting skills, well. I could do a TV show called ''SongforSal scrimps through life!''. It's hand to mouth, and it's lucky we are that. People have it worse. First world problem for me, I know.

This is the AIBU bit. I have always adored, and looked up to my eldest sibling. He is 14ys older, and was basically a Dad to me growing up (ours passed when I was a baby) He is now eye wateringly wealthy (His business has featured in global newspapers for example.)

I have always been incredibly proud of him, and I sing his praises over what he has achieved. But for what ever reason, he seems to hold me in contempt. That's what it feels like. For example. When Dp was in his redundancy, our roof literally caved in!!!! I had to go cap in hand and ask for a 'loan'. He gave it me, whilst lecturing how I need to 'budget' and told me the only reason he was helping was because of the children. I sobbed for hours after that phone call.

He is now based on the opposite side of the world. I have been saving up for myself, Dp and our 2 children to visit in a couple of yrs (flights are several hundred each) Anyway. Really disheartened on that because 'Life' happened and had to use savings for petrol and food.

Anyway. Our Mum just visited, turns out he is paying for her and Step-D to visit for 6 weeks over Christmas. I was really pleased for her. She then got irate and pissed off saying ''I need to have words with your brother. He offered to pay for you to visit. But I told him you wouldn't leave the kids or DP for 6wks!!''Really. Who the fuck does that?! Did he really think I would leave my family?!

BTW. This isn't about money. I'm bloody sad. I would give him a kidney if needed. Yet I feel with his wealth he has completely lost touch with reality, and I guess he doesn't feel any 'bond' with me anymore. I only see him every couple of years now. He visits in passing for no more than 2 hrs. It's got to the point I can't bear seeing his social media posts of a fairly jet set lifestyle because I get a lump in my throat. It's honestly not jealously (Before anyone asks!) I just can't understand with the disposable income he has, why he doesn't visit me and spend time?! We haven't had a falling out. He just seems to have 'forgotten' his little sister and it makes me feel shit.

Should I put my big girl pants on and suck this up as he has his own life, wife and children now and not to expect a family bond anymore?

OP I have been through pretty much the same thing

In our case the sibling is only really interested in family members who they would be friends with if not related IYKWIM, we have nothing in common with them so they don't go out of their way to socialise with us

Whereas for us, it doesn't matter if you're chalk and cheese, so long as you're nice and loving and not a shit person, being "family" is enough…

It was tough, we really wanted to be involved in the nephews, we're not awful and we didn't fall out, but they just don't "like" us enough :-( I do appreciate that if we weren't family we'ld never cross paths and would have nothing in common, but since they don't acively dislike us or have other issues with us, I think it's a shame that we're not worth the relationship

They do hang out regularly with another family member who has a similar lifestyle (money & spends it in similar ways) and interests. The rest of us are on a strictly weddings and funerals only basis.

I care less now that the nephews are teens and wouldn't be that interested in us anyway, but it was sad when we were all ready to be the doting aunt and uncle and we were never worth the time.

It doesn't matter if we do the travelling and make it easy for them, they'll see us in between things that could be cancelled for a short time (e.g. the time we travelled there to give he nephews christmas gifts in person: we couldn't come before 11.30am because they would be at football, and they had to be out of the house by 1pm as they had to go christmas shopping. We got a 1.5 hour window! They spend whole weekends with the family member they are more similar to.

You can't change it OP, I wish we tried less to be honest because each blow-off made us more and more bitter, once we took the hint it started to hurt less

FlyingElbows, I'm sorry, that must be rough.

I wonder if it's perhaps inevitable that money changes people. I personally can't imagine it ever changing me but perhaps all the lottery winners who seem to turn into either very unhappy people or scumbags or both mean it does. One thing, I rather doubt if I will ever find out :(

Have you ever invited him to stay? Is there a chance that he thinks you're really busy and that a visit would be imposing on you? I know he said he'd pay for you to go visit for 6wks so it make seem he doesn't think you're busy but perhaps that was his way of saying he does miss you? (people don't always think things through). I think if you want to be close again you should reach out to him, let him know how much you miss him.

I wonder if it's perhaps inevitable that money changes people

Of course it does but that doesn't mean it changes them in a bad way, it just means they have different points of reference because your experiences will be different

timelytess "Of course. But he could still visit them (instead of friends)when he's in the uk. They're family."

There's no 'should' about it. Who says 'should'? Who made that rule? He did what he wanted to do. She can choose how she feels about that.

You said "should". The PP wrote could. He could visit, and he chooses not to, which is crappy behaviour unless there's some massive backstory we don't know about. And not looking out for others is unpleasant, selfish behaviour (unless you're super rich and have lost your conscience it seems...)

I feel like slapping you around the chops for that comment. Your problem - you can decide how to feel about it.

I do understand op. I have the same type of issue with my brother, who is my one and only sibling. It's hard. I've massively taken a step back. Because he's been so nasty to me. It really hurts and dh struggles to understand as he's an only child. It would be no point in me writing an email to my brother. Life revolves a lot around drinking for brother and sil. But for you, I would definitely write to him if he were my brother and say how sad you are that you won't get to see him and his family when your mother goes over and how you wish you were all able to see them more because you miss him and his family.

That he was going to pay for you suggests he wants a relationship. As does him visiting you for "even" two hours! I think it must be incredibly hard when someone moves overseas to catch-up with everyone on a trip back. Do you use technology proactively to keep in contact? Skype, email, FB messenger and WhatsApp are all amazing methods to keep in contact with busy people in different time zones and build on your existing relationship

I feel like slapping you around the chops for that comment
Come and have a go if...

OP my DM has a similar relationship with her DB so I can kind of understand where you're coming from.

She always looked up to him and when my grandad died they became closer, in her eyes. When his wife died she did whatever she could to support his children and even put him up in her home rent-free for about 2 years as he returned to the country for work (even though he owns 3 properties in this country, she felt he perhaps didn't want to be alone and therefore supported him any way she could). My DM has a lot of mental health issues and therefore is unable to work, my DF is a tradesman growing old so they really don't have much money, but this didn't matter to her as in her eyes he was her brother and she felt he would do the same for her. Only he never did, didn't put his hands in his pocket once, she paid for all his food, did his laundry and even tolerated him bringing unknown women back to her house and shagging them loudly in her lounge!

Anyways it all came to a head when she got desperate to support my DB in moving out (he has HF ASD and was really struggling being in the house with said uncle). She asked to borrow some money to help with this and got an awful lecture which reduced her to tears, Uncle moved out with new woman a few days later and then nothing for 6 months. Not even a happy birthday text. She feels like she invested so much in the relationship because he was her brother, but actually she didn't really know him at all. It must be really hard for you, but ultimately he is telling you how much he cares... You just have to listen.

Nurszilla. What an arsehole

I do see your point. The lectures. Not being available. Only offering to pay for ops ticket, not entire family. I'm not sure that her brother is in the same league.