AIBU to be sodding bewildered and tearfull over my crappy brother?!

[SongforSal]

Backstory as so I don't drip feed. Dp and I are going through the wringer. The last several years have been a financial nightmare. Unexpected redundancy exhausted all savings. We have 2 Dc's. He is back at work with a 10k pay drop. My budgeting skills, well. I could do a TV show called ''SongforSal scrimps through life!''. It's hand to mouth, and it's lucky we are that. People have it worse. First world problem for me, I know.

This is the AIBU bit. I have always adored, and looked up to my eldest sibling. He is 14ys older, and was basically a Dad to me growing up (ours passed when I was a baby) He is now eye wateringly wealthy (His business has featured in global newspapers for example.)

I have always been incredibly proud of him, and I sing his praises over what he has achieved. But for what ever reason, he seems to hold me in contempt. That's what it feels like. For example. When Dp was in his redundancy, our roof literally caved in!!!! I had to go cap in hand and ask for a 'loan'. He gave it me, whilst lecturing how I need to 'budget' and told me the only reason he was helping was because of the children. I sobbed for hours after that phone call.

He is now based on the opposite side of the world. I have been saving up for myself, Dp and our 2 children to visit in a couple of yrs (flights are several hundred each) Anyway. Really disheartened on that because 'Life' happened and had to use savings for petrol and food.

Anyway. Our Mum just visited, turns out he is paying for her and Step-D to visit for 6 weeks over Christmas. I was really pleased for her. She then got irate and pissed off saying ''I need to have words with your brother. He offered to pay for you to visit. But I told him you wouldn't leave the kids or DP for 6wks!!''Really. Who the fuck does that?! Did he really think I would leave my family?!

BTW. This isn't about money. I'm bloody sad. I would give him a kidney if needed. Yet I feel with his wealth he has completely lost touch with reality, and I guess he doesn't feel any 'bond' with me anymore. I only see him every couple of years now. He visits in passing for no more than 2 hrs. It's got to the point I can't bear seeing his social media posts of a fairly jet set lifestyle because I get a lump in my throat. It's honestly not jealously (Before anyone asks!) I just can't understand with the disposable income he has, why he doesn't visit me and spend time?! We haven't had a falling out. He just seems to have 'forgotten' his little sister and it makes me feel shit.

Should I put my big girl pants on and suck this up as he has his own life, wife and children now and not to expect a family bond anymore?

For instance when I see pics on FB that he came to the UK to visit old friends. But didn't have the time to pop in for even a coffee, even to say 'Hi' to his niece and nephew does piss me off! I just home my kids and grandkids (Grandkids far in the future I hope!) are closer than that!

Op how anyone can defend this I dont know of course it would cut anyone like a knife and indeed I have felt the same but from friend who lives overseas. Its a very clear rub in the face " I am willing to spend x time with THEM, it can be done, i have dont it but I CHOOSE not to visit you"

I think you need to emotionally distance yourself from him
You know what to expect from him now. Perhaps in an xmas card try and write something along lines of " would love to see more of you in the future"

I understand and sympathise OP. His success in life has made him forget that life can be tough. He is also arrogant and has forgotten that massive success isn't entirely down to hard work and talent but a lot of luck as well. I expect your mum is pretty defensive the way he is treating you because she is obviously proud of how well he's done. The unpleasant side doesn't bear thinking about.
Hope he wakes up and realises what he's missing.

Our mother thinks he has just made to much money, and stretched himself to thin that he can't please everyone. I guess like most people I value family, and the fact we are considerably poorer means I do not have the financial freedom to visit him

For instance when I see pics on FB that he came to the UK to visit old friends. But didn't have the time to pop in for even a coffee, even to say 'Hi' to his niece and nephew does piss me off! I just home my kids and grandkids (Grandkids far in the future I hope!) are closer than that!

That's terrible, OP. I don't think your jealous. It simply hurts he doesn't want to see your kids and DH.

The only thing I kept wondering was:
Does he dislike your DH?

But imo YANBU! That's terrible:(

I think you are being really harsh on your brother. He gave you a loan, has offfered to pay for a flight out for you. Yes it is sad he doesn't priortise seeing you when he is over,mbut agree with other oosters that due to the age difference he probably does not have a standard sibling relationship with you.

I think there are two things here as far as the financial stuff goes (not having any siblings I can't really comment on the rest).

1. I think those who are rich very quickly lose any sense of what life is like for the rest of us. One the one hand, the amount of money someone needs to really be helped is not very much, but on the other hand they genuinely can't understand why someone has such a problem finding such a small amount of money. I suppose I have the believe that because the alternative would be to believe that 2. the richer you are, the more you want to keep every penny of it for yourself. It is the poor who are the most generous.

Cynical aren't I :(

Stop! Stop!
His money. Your money. Separate. Different. Not the same.
Love - doesn't come with a financial stipulation eg 'You love me, you'll pay for me', 'I love you, I'll invest more than I can afford in spending time with you'.
Your mum - the stirring shitbag troublecauser. You needed to know that he'd offered to pay for one not all? Why?

Its like this. You can't afford to travel to see your wonderful dad-like brother who has turned out to be rich and not as generous as you might have wanted. So don't go. Continue to invest your effort, time and money in yourself, your partner, your children . Do that with a clear conscience. If he wanted to see you, he could afford to visit. Do it without rancour - he's not obliged to cover the cost of your family visiting him and he chooses not to. That's fine.

He's doing well financially. You are doing well keeping your family together and afloat. it was humiliating for you to ask for a loan but you needed it, you asked for it, you got it. Be pleased with yourself, be pleased with him. Be happy.

His money. Your money. Separate. Different. Not the same.
Love - doesn't come with a financial stipulation eg 'You love me, you'll pay for me', 'I love you, I'll invest more than I can afford in spending time with you'.

Of course. But he could still visit them (instead of friends)when he's in the uk. They're family....

I completely understand how you feel OP
He had a fatherly role as you grew up, and now he is putting himself in a not-that-close-brother role, that feels like an abandonment to you

From his POV though he wasn't your father, and perhaps he wasn't entirely comfortable with stepping up to that role, and wants to distance himself from being a 'father figurr' to you

There is probably more to his feelings than just being uncaring

We have a similar issue in our family, a man who is very careful to not take the vacant father role in his siblings life
As a child he felt he should be their "father" and he regrets this now as it almost stopped him branching out to make his own life
It does mean he keeps a distance from his siblings, and he does regret that a bit, but he doesn't know how to relate to them as a normal brother, so he prefers to keep his distance rather than get sucked into looking after them

Could your brother have similar feelings?

From your POV I agree it is hurtful

And lecturing you on budgeting is bloody rude of him

Ouch. Sounds very painful

I think elidaviolins is spot on. I have had a very similar situation to you op and my considerably better off sibling is completely disinterested and simply cannot understand that when I say "no money" I mean "no money" not "tens of thousands I just don't want to touch"!

We've had a very very difficult past 18 months which has seen us lose almost everything through two periods of unemployment then a new job on a fraction of the income. Not a word from my sister, she's just too wrapped up in her own life. I've sat sobbing wondering how I'm going to feed my children and she, my only family, couldn't give a fuck. There comes a time when you have to accept that they sadly just don't really care about things outside their own bubble. Tbh I'm just embarrassed for my sister that she's turned into that kind of person.

He has more through sheer hard work

I know both poor and rich people who have worked hard, and poor and rich people who haven't worked that hard
They don't necessarily correlate
Although the rich people I know certainly think they do

One of my step brothers (who I lived with and got on great with for years), is like this with me and lots of other family members for some reason which no one knows.

It's really sad but unfortunately you can't force someone to have a relationship with you or your kids.

Definitely two issues here.

One is that you feel you are more emotionally invested than he is. I've had that too, with some of my older sibs. We've talked about it, it's changed a bit for the better (mostly as they've gotten to know me a bit better through Facebook actually), but at the end of the day I don't think they'll ever be the close brother & sister I'd like.

The second issue is the money. I have close friends who are well off - though not on the level of your brother - honestly I'm a bit embarrassed at how cheap they are. Through sheer good luck a few have inherited piles of money and don't have to work (but continue to out of interest or for the pension), but never even spring for a coffee for me. If the shoe was on the other foot things would be a lot different. It does bother me that while I'm there with emotional support whenever needed they can't spring for a cup of coffee. Most well-off people are cheap bastards, it's hurtful, but I don't think it's personal.

Of course. But he could still visit them (instead of friends)when he's in the uk. They're family

There's no 'should' about it. Who says 'should'? Who made that rule? He did what he wanted to do. She can choose how she feels about that.

OP, I know exactly what you mean. My Db is extremely wealthy and lives across the world. They live a truly wonderful lifestyle and can be very generous. All good. We all get on well, also all good. But sometimes both he and his wife ( and then, of course his DC) say things which reflect that they have no idea how other people struggle financially.

Our youngest db is up to his eyes in it, three young DC, house a bit of a wreck ( we lent money for the house and I had to prompt rich db to do the same). Rich db has literally no idea...mentioned having a big family holiday together somewhere nice which he has treated us to before. Lovely, except he says lets go somewhere really nice but we can all contribute this time. That's ok but only if the poorest person gets to chose the venue.

Anyway, it can be hard. I've done my db some massive favours and looked after his family a lot so we have equality but you are so right that super wealth changes people. And although he worked really hard to get where he is, his own DC can't even pick up their dirty pants from the floor because the maid will do it. Working hard is no guarantee of making money. I'm pretty sure his maid would attest to that.

I live thousands of miles away through choice and, from the other side.of this, we dread visiting. It is.one long drive to see people and on average costs us 10 grand a time. It's supposed.to be out holiday and all we end up doing is feeling guilty. So we generally don't do it now and spend the money paying for people to come to our HOME if they want. Because 6 weeks away from home is shit and never works.out well. I quite.understand why you are upset and think he is being insensitive. We are in a slightly different position being tax free so can afford to do this. Ultimately visiting the UK when you don't live there is miserable. From the minute you arrive at Heathrow and the6 shout at you to the cost of everything and relatives expecting you to slot back in as if you never left. But ultimately you have to remember it's your family. Personally i can't remember a time now where money was the issue for stress (plenty of other things) but if I knew someone was struggling, I wouldn't hesitate to try and make sure they were ok. So yanbu to me, he should show more.consideration.

Op , I could have wrote your post,

My db has a very successful business with all the trappings of wealth .

He never fails to remind me that I am the poor relative in my shitty rental house,that state schools are horrific (how could I do that to my poor dcs!) And if dh and I just worked a little harder(what ? More than the 100hrs a wk between us) we too could live the dream

I've learnt to be happy with my lot , we are all healthy , bills are paid , housing is secure and I've no one to thank but ourselves .

I'm proud as punch for him that he has done well out of life , but so have we just in a different way .

Count your own blessings and accept that sometimes money changes people beyond recognition , they don't live in the same world as us now so its bound too

My SIL might think this about us. Lives other side of world. Not well off. Is an artist and choses not to do an office job because it is boring and would stifle her creativity. Her DP is a tradesman/craftsman and had a good job but gave it up 20 years ago to make wooden bowls and boxes. There is a continuous whine ofvhow little they have from her and MIL.

When DH and I got married she asked if I was sure because he was a capitalist bastard. She has been to the UK twice since to see her family, both times bankrolled by her capitalist bastard brother. One of those times was with her children the summer after FIL died. She didn't come for the funeral because it would be too stressful. I used to send Xmas presents but got sick of messages from MIL suggesting things that could be more preferable to her tastes.

I know DH sends her a few grand occasionally. She has not once sent a birthday card and doesn't phone her mother on Christmas day due to lack of funds.

I simply don't bother with her any more. She's supposed to be so clever and sovtalented so AFAIAC she and her DH should get better paid work, at least some of the time.

Not saying you are at all like her op, but I can well imagine what she says about us.

What is his relationship with your dp like ? It seems odd that he would pay for you to visit and not your dp and kids.

Accept he is not much of a supportive brother and move on. He lent you money when you needed it, so be thankful for that. Have very little to do with him to protect yourself and your feelings and leave him on the other side of the world. Just because he is blood related does not mean he must always visit when in the country/bail you out/care about you.

Let go of your disappointment/hurt/jealousy, whatever it is, and get on with your own life.

YABU because this is just the way things are. It's sad, but you've all grown up and I guess he doesn't want to be the dad/brother any more.

Re the visits - one of my older brothers is completely clueless about organising to see me, he emails and gives me an ultimatum like 'I will be travelling North on 13th November and could see you between 11.15 and 11.25' then gets really huffy if I don't drop everything to be around at his chosen time. No negotiation at all. I've finally decided it's easier if I just put it down to him being socially inept. He also much prefers my younger sister, and has made that clear on many occasions. Recently both he and my sister posted pictures on Facebook of a gathering they organised with my other brother, saying 'We missed you LittlePaintBox, what a pity you couldn't come'. I pointed out to both of them I didn't come because I wasn't bloody well asked!!!!! But in the end I've shrugged my shoulders and thought it is what it is.

Re the money - unfortunately people with a lot of money do, by and large, feel superior to those who don't have as much. His lecture was probably meant to be helpful rather than offensive. If he's never been really short of money he probably has no idea what it's like. He did lend you the money, I think you have to take that as a sign he cares and recognise that he has some shortcomings in the tact and empathy area.

OP my DH's db is a successful business man who lives the other side of the world. When he visits UK he prioritises his friends rather than family as well (he comes to UK every 2 to 3 years)
The family get an "appointment" to visit at MIL's;
The friends? Oh let us take a fortnight holiday together. bitter moi?
Oh & anyone can achieve his level of wealth, all you have to do is work for it. No luck involved at all ,oh no.

We've given up on him, had enough of his patronising twaddle. You might have to distance yourself emotionally from your brother unfortunately. YANBU

YANBU OP and I don't think you are jealous or want a hand out. You were obviously extremely close growing up and for whatever reason he has chosen to distance himself from his family. Maybe his head has been turned by his wealth and he's changed his priorities in life.

All I know is from an outsiders point of view he should have given you the money for your roof and not lectured you and not expected to be paid back. If he's that rich he should give you some money to help you out.

I think you have a rose tinted view of him- he sounds mean and as though he doesn't care about his family.

I haven't read the other posts OP but it does sound as if your brother has just forgotten what family bonds and links are and the importance of these.

He could have paid for you and your family to come over at any time. He hasn't. I would have done so in his position and I'm sure you would have too.

The best thing to do is just forget about visiting him because a) you can't afford it right now and b) it will feel weird, you'll probably get the feeling that he's expecting you to tap him for money even if you're not and c) his money has skewed his head into thinking that he's somehow more worthwhile than this sister. He isn't.

Send cards for any occasion but leave it at that, that's what I would do.

Will go and read the rest of your thread now and see what other posters say.

for you.