AIBU to ask DP to uninvite his friend's wife from our wedding?

[Somerville]

One of my fiancé's closest friends is an usher at our upcoming wedding. DP is his child's godfather.

However, his wife doesn't like me. Actually, I think it's not personal to me - I think she loved having DP single to set up with her friends and to flirt with and she's annoyed by him not being available to her.

She began by making unkind jokes at my expense. Never in DP's hearing, and so subtle I wasn't sure whether she meant well but had clumsy phrasing. But it's getting worse and I'm now in no doubt. She's very funny so it looks like a sense of humour fail to take objection to her 'hilarious' comments.

She also calls DP a cutesy nickname that no-one else calls him, often brings up friends of hers who he has previously dated, and touches him a lot. He says she's always been a bit like this but he's assumed she would stop when he was in a serious relationship and instead it has got worse.

I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this. But DP wanted to try to get to the bottom of it to repair his friendship with them. Fair enough. She said the problem is that I'm over sensitive. But she apologised for bringing up how great his ex girlfriend is looking and for the cutesy nickname (I think he was too embarrassed to properly bring up the excessive touching) and cried, and her DH made excuses for her. DP was cautiously hopeful that she'd improve.

I saw her last night at a hen party for a mutual friend. She referred to my DP as the nickname then laughed and said 'silly me, he says you get jealous about our pet names'. I went and sat at another table.
Later on she told an amusing sex anecdote about a friend of hers who dated a friend of her DH's. I knew from the start that she would accidentally on purpose reveal it was DP and indeed she did. The pregnant bride looked upset so I again just got up and moved. No alcohol excuses as none of us were drinking.

I will be avoiding her in future. And I'd rather not have her at our small-ish wedding. I feel like asking DP to tell her she can't come. I think he will agree to this - especially with the sex anecdote thing - however it is of course then likely that his friend will pull out of being an usher and not attend, which will make him sad. AIBU and if I am, what is a better way of dealing with her? Just sucking it up on our wedding day isn't an option for me.

Uninvite her.

I did this with my dh's friends wife. She was so unfriendly towards me. Every time we met up, she was dismissive of me, and rude. She also tried to bitch about me, but a mutual friend gave her it with two barrels. The reason was because she was friends with dh's ex 🙄

He wanted his friend as an usher, but I said she wasn't coming as I was not paying for someone to come to my wedding to sit there and bitch about me.

Weirdly they're divorced now, and her 'friend' don't speak anymore. Meh!

Only read the OP. Somerville, when you look back at your wedding photos in ten years time, and she's long gone, will you resent she was there? She might be his friend but you're going to be his wife. He'll choose you. Give him a chance too.

Is her husband aware of her behaviour? Isn't he jealous of the attention your DP receives from her?

CuntyMcCuntface

Oh, just looked at the Claire Pettibone site and they are gorgeous!!

The only way to stop a queen bee ruling over everyone is to cut off her oxygen supply. You can never 'win them round' as they thrive on drama and attention.

Unfortunately it may mean that your DH's friendship will suffer but he has to show this woman that you and he will stick together. His friend's wife also humiliated him by telling that embarrassing story in front of other friends. Who needs a friend like that in their life?

Hang on though, why is this your problem to solve & take the flak over? Future DH must be like a pig in shit over this.

Tell him to sort his oddball friends out or there will be no wedding. You are worth more than this surely? Scrapping with his groupies? And when will it end? And you had to sit through listening to her tell everyone his sex stories

No no no my dear tell him to sling his proverbial hook until he can control his best friends wife. Deary me.

You don't have to invite her to your wedding. You don't have to invite anyone to your wedding.

But, you do need to be prepared for this to end your dp's friendship with her dh. And I think it would be grossly unfair of either of you to think he should do otherwise, so don't put pressure on him.

Uninvite. Sounds to me like she has a crush on your dp.

If you leave her invited, I dread to think what she will be saying during the wedding breakfast. You'd have to have a table just for this friendship group to limit the damage. Don't sit her with anyone who might believe her bullshit. Bear in mind that anything you do between now and then, she will twist and spin into gossip.

Personally I'd wait until nearer the time. If she gets over herself then you're fine. F she doesn't you can still ditch her.

Kick her in the cunt.

Stupid cow.

Next time she makes an unwarranted comment, smile benevolently and say 'you shouldn't feel threatened by me'. Pat her hand for good measure. Keep asking if she's ok. Be lovely to her with just a hint of concern.

Or you could just keep on being the bigger person. That will have the same effect, long term.

I also don't think you should uninvite her.

Make sure she's down as the GF, vegan, especially small portion.
Sit her next to someone very dull or someone really opinionated, she needs to have her back to you too. Prime the waiters not to fill her glass too much.
No photos with her in, don't acknowledge her at all.

In the scale of things you probably won't notice her at all.

Smallish wedding is 50-60 people. Not really enough to hide her. My DD's are the only bridesmaids.

I could sit her with a load of my friends and warn them but why should they have the stress of it?

Have the invites gone out? If not then there is no need to uninvited, just don't invite her but talk to her husband first. Hopefully your husband and this man can save their friendship, even though his wife is causing trouble.

Ask your dh to speak to his friend, and ask him if he would like to step down as usher or just come on his own to the wedding, because his wife is not welcome at your wedding due to continued insults towards you.

This is what my sister would call "the sting of the dying wasp" she actually thinks that she means more to your dh than you do. She believes that if pushed, he would pick her and her husband over you, because she knows him longer.
your dh needs to nail his colours to the mast now, show her that you are his priority and she is not coming to your wedding because she has been mean to you too many times.

Do not get into any conversations with her, do not speak or try and figure out why she is acting this way. You have done nothing except fall in love with someone she knows.

Definite uninvite this shit-stirrer and don't give her the power to ruin your wedding.

You want happy memories of your day, not all this bullshit.

I am sure your DH-to-be would not want his wedding ruined either.

Agree with those saying, divide and conquer by getting closer to the other people in the circle, in smaller but subtle breakaway dinners leading up to the wedding. Then when she trots out her nonsense in a bigger group, they'll feel more uncomfortable with her rudeness - which will unnerve her, then you can give her one of those 'why are you doing this?' looks. Not aggressive, just... 'why?' Awkward silences cut both ways.

This is what my sister would call "the sting of the dying wasp"

Brilliantly put!

Going to remember this phrase

"I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this."

That's why I'd leave the invite extended. She'll love being the wronged one.
Instead just rub your happiness in her face on the day.

I clicked on the thread to say you can't uninvite, but having rtft I have changed my mind. Uninvited her.

Make it very clear to both DH-2b and her - this is not jealousy, you are secure and confident in his love. However it is clear and undeniable that she delights in engineering situations to make you feel uncomfortable and you have every right to be free of her unpleasant behaviour on your wedding day. She has had her chance to change and she didn't bother. That's it.

I knew someone like this - and the best reaction to that sort of behaviour is your best poker face. Absolutely blank, no reaction at all. Everything she does or says is to provoke one from you, which she has nearly done. You say anything to your DH or uninvite her, she's got one over on you. I honestly don't think that on the day you'll even notice she's there. Or if you're feeling brave, wait for the receiving line and say "oh that's a brave choice of outfit!.....well done you for not worrying what others think" . I hope you have a fab day, and I adore Claire Pettibone dresses, you'll look fab.

baconandeggies No need to apologise; it was an astute suggestion and I wasn't offended.

LHReturns That gives me a lot to think about. Thanks so much.

Your impression that I'd rather not disinvite her is correct. It just feels a bit... crass. And a bit sinking to her level. And inviting lots of gossip and fuss. I loathe gossip and fuss. But I would loathe her upsetting my kids even more. Although I'm looking forward to marrying DP, our wedding will not be without a bittersweet tinge. (I'm widowed). My first husband's family will be there, too. I just don't need an additional thing to be worrying about.

My username wasn't my college, by yes, if you cut me in half I'd have a dark blue centre. She's from the other place so perhaps that is behind her intelectual inferiority.

Uninvite her OP. I uninvited someone from my wedding who I knew would make me anxious and would be judging me. It's your wedding and you don't need someone making sly digs and bringing you down

To uninvite is to go for the nuclear option. Not aging you shouldn't but it would have big ramifications.

Have you tried 'disinterested but amused'? You know like, next time she uses the pet name (and she will) you kind of snort laugh and then immediately stop, look a bit guilty with an amused / busted look on your face / hand over your mouth.

Someone and more likely she will ask what is funny. You then pretend not to want to answer but say slightly embarrassed that STBDH was saying how cringe he found it and he'd tried to get it stopped but had somehow given the impression you were jealous and you'd only last night been laughing about it.

Then if she says another 'amusing anecdote', you put a glazed look on your face wait for the 'punch line' and then turn to her suddenly like she just called your name, smile and say sorry [bitchy mcbitch face] what was that I wasn't listening?
She'll no doubt say oh nothing at which you just shrug.

But if she repeats her hilarious punchline (which are never great when repeated) you just look blankly at her and just half smile and shrug.

Basically take the wind out of her sales

Nicknameused Her DH does this whole 'oh she's so touchy-feely that she flirts with anyone, even other women' thing, that he seems fine with - even slightly proud of. But she doesn't flirt with other women. She flirts with men - and particularly with my DP.

I am trying hard to not cast judgement on their marriage... but that's weird, right?