AIBU to ask DP to uninvite his friend's wife from our wedding?

[Somerville]

One of my fiancé's closest friends is an usher at our upcoming wedding. DP is his child's godfather.

However, his wife doesn't like me. Actually, I think it's not personal to me - I think she loved having DP single to set up with her friends and to flirt with and she's annoyed by him not being available to her.

She began by making unkind jokes at my expense. Never in DP's hearing, and so subtle I wasn't sure whether she meant well but had clumsy phrasing. But it's getting worse and I'm now in no doubt. She's very funny so it looks like a sense of humour fail to take objection to her 'hilarious' comments.

She also calls DP a cutesy nickname that no-one else calls him, often brings up friends of hers who he has previously dated, and touches him a lot. He says she's always been a bit like this but he's assumed she would stop when he was in a serious relationship and instead it has got worse.

I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this. But DP wanted to try to get to the bottom of it to repair his friendship with them. Fair enough. She said the problem is that I'm over sensitive. But she apologised for bringing up how great his ex girlfriend is looking and for the cutesy nickname (I think he was too embarrassed to properly bring up the excessive touching) and cried, and her DH made excuses for her. DP was cautiously hopeful that she'd improve.

I saw her last night at a hen party for a mutual friend. She referred to my DP as the nickname then laughed and said 'silly me, he says you get jealous about our pet names'. I went and sat at another table.
Later on she told an amusing sex anecdote about a friend of hers who dated a friend of her DH's. I knew from the start that she would accidentally on purpose reveal it was DP and indeed she did. The pregnant bride looked upset so I again just got up and moved. No alcohol excuses as none of us were drinking.

I will be avoiding her in future. And I'd rather not have her at our small-ish wedding. I feel like asking DP to tell her she can't come. I think he will agree to this - especially with the sex anecdote thing - however it is of course then likely that his friend will pull out of being an usher and not attend, which will make him sad. AIBU and if I am, what is a better way of dealing with her? Just sucking it up on our wedding day isn't an option for me.

OP definitely uninvite her. You cannot risk having this utter cow show you up and your own wedding. Sod her and her DP, who if he was a real friend, would tell her just how Vile she is being. I'm sure your DP will understand where you are coming from once you tell him what went down at the hen party.

Just saw the laxatives suggestion.

And sitting her by someone boring/her DH by someone beautiful and single.

Won't be doing any of that, of course. But thanks for making me smile.

Make sure that your stbdh understands how you feel and that you cannot bear to be in this woman's company on your wedding day. YADNBU to uninvite this horrible person, she sounds manipulative, spiteful and very unkind.

This woman's behaviour reminds me of my DH's exw. Many of DH's friends avoided him because of his ex and they all got back into contact when he divorced her!

Yep, I would uninvite her and make sure DP tells her exactly why, that he doesn't like the way she treats his fiance. Stupid immature cow!

I would uninvite her, I'd tell her why and I'd do it myself not get DH to do it.

There will be fall out, but it's between DH and his friend to resolve that. You're not saying their friendship cannot continue, just that you chose not to be friends with someone so obviously unpleasant.

Sorry! If it is as you suspect then she actually cares little (if anything) for your DH anyway - otherwise she wouldn't be seeking to injure someone he loves. I hope he can see that she's disrespecting you both, and your relationship, and therefore doesn't deserve your time. and certainly not an invitation!

She is poison! Don't allow her the chance of spoiling your big day

I'm feeling evil, I wouldn't uninvite I would do a brides speech where I cast up every single "Little joke" she ever made in front of the whole friendship group and called her out directly asking was this petty bitching what I had to look forward to for all the rest of your life or was she finished now.

Just saw that it was a small wedding. If it had been large, you could have sat all the ushers and bridesmaids (with best man and maid of honour) together on the top table, and put her on the corner of the children's table at the far end of the room!

However as it is a small wedding i would simply say numbers don't allow for everyone. It is then up to her husband whether he chooses to accept without her (it sounds like he is aware of the situation).

Don't uninvite her - you're bigger than that person.

Seat her next to your most loathed relation and make sure they don't have enough to drink.

When you or DH thank the ushers, include their wives, except her. Say sadly to your friends oh do be nice to XX Bootface, she's the one I told you about with no friends.

I wouldn't chat to her woman to woman. That's for reasonable people, and she's not! She will twist it and you will come out the worse for it.

Personally I also wouldn't disinvite her, purely because I hate drama, and she'll be sure to milk that one for every last drop. You say you don't want her to ruin your wedding, but gossip being spread and potential sides being taken by your friends over this issue may well do that anyway.

I'd get your dh to speak to his friend about his wife's latest behaviour and leave it at that.

Sounds horrible though!

Interesting seeing that other people have had one of these in their lives. Queen Bee is exactly the word for it!

Has anyone successfully won a Queen Bee round? In a way that doesn't take too much effort?

I would ask her and her DP round to your house and have a conversation about her behaviour on the hen night. She is relying on you not being prepared to be open about it. I would do it in a very cool way and include something like 'I am disinterested in any of your behaviour.It is frankly just tiresome more than anything. We just don't understand what an adult is doing behaving like this or what you hope to gain from it. Anyway, we tried to sort this out once before so we have decided now it would be dishonest for us to still ask you to come to our wedding.,We would still love xxxxx to come but will understand if you feel you can't. We're sorry it's come to this, it's not where we wanted to end up but we did feel we wanted to say it to both of you so you both understand our position.'
She might create a fuss but who cares. And your DP has to speak up with this so it is clear he is fully supportive of you and not taking any back seat role.

Ooh it's difficult. I completely understand why you wouldn't want her there but I'd be tempted to have her there to show that her silliness doesn't bother me (through gritted teeth) AND for her to see how fabulous I am in my gorgeous frock etc!!
Have you got lovely bridesmaids you can tell and make sure they are around to diffuse any of her "funny" comments??
(Or perhaps a completely gorgeous single bridesmaid who will flirt outrageously with her DH heh heh evil laugh)

Because of the repercussions of the wider group I think you and DH need to decide which course of action to take.

It sounds like she won't be able to help herself but increasingly make her nastiness obvious - she already did twice at the hen party! With your DH supporting you etc. do you think you can brazen it out with eye roll, held tilting etc. until quite frankly it is clear to everyone that she is the problem?

Obviously continue to build relationships with the other couples in the group - dinners with just 1 or 2 other couples at a time rather than whole group things where she gets the opportunity to perform?

Basically kill her with kindness...

OleannasWimple I have a gorgeous Clare Pettibone (sample sale but still massively over budget!) dress in my sister's wardrobe. He still thinks I'm not wearing white.

The sitting with someone boring suggestion is brilliant. On a table by the toilets. Pay the waiters to look at her bum and say 'Are you sure, do you know how many calories there are in that?'.

Another positive of inviting her is that she's obviously horrendously jealous you're marrying your DP. Think how much she'll hate watching you being all beautiful and lovely and happy having the perfect day.

She knows exactly what's she's doing and why. You've summed up her motive perfectly. Uninvite the couple and get another usher. Your DP can explain it to his friend and apologise to him, but I'm sure this woman's DH is aware of it already. She sounds a vile, attention seeking bitch tbh

"I would sit her with your friends who won't put up with any of her shit."

I think that is a brilliant idea. Do it.

Have you actually told your partner what happened at the hen do?

I would invite her, as the fallout will be horrific for your DP, especially as her DP is important enough to your husband to be an usher.
There will be mixed stories about what happened (mainly from her) and it will make it really difficult for him for years.
All the suggestions people have made about the wedding are great. If you avoid her on the day, seat her away from you, with trusted people. Inform your real friends of the full situation.

I would also get your DP to take the usher out for a drink and get him to say that you both feel that she has been unkind, insensitive and unwelcoming to you, and are worried that she could spoil the wedding. He will then speak with her to tone it down.

After the wedding you could never see her again.

You'll hopefully, only have the one wedding, so it has to be what you want and you don't want her there.

I would invite her she is obviously very envious of you, which is a compliment really, so much so she can't resist the lame little digs & sneaky gestures.

She continues to do this because she knows it gets to you, and that (sorry) means she is in control of the interactions between you, hence the comment "you get jealous of our pet names don't you" trying to imply she's got your number & her & your dp talk about u, Schoolgirl tatics that you need to deal with in a woman's way.

Invite her & be nice to her, over a period of time increase your niceness to her and act really genuinely interested & caring, which you actually are now because you now realise what a delusional childish trollop she is.

It will drive her nuts, her little brain will go into overdrive. At first she will ramp it up & try to bait you with shameless tactics to reel you in, but your not bothered your marrying the man of both your dreams 😂 she will be green with envy and show herself for what she is in time.

NeedajobBob I know what you mean about DP needing to modify his behaviour towards her. He has to some extent already - she tries to hug him to say hi and he turns sideways and does a one arm hug so they're not body to body. That kind of thing.

I don't think there will be much future hugging when he hears about last night.

Could you also give her an important job like her husband? How about guarding the cars during the ceremony and reception?

Her behaviour is definitely one of a jealous woman.

Somerville, for whatever reason you make her feel very insecure about herself and her position in the group. It could be your intelligence, your looks, your style, your background, the way you and DP live - could be something else - could be be a combination of them all.

Re intelligence - is your user name any relation to your university college? She may not like that.

But when you appeared in her life, it took an uncomfortable turn for the worse. And the only way she knows how to deal with it is to try to make you feel equally uncomfortable.

I'm not sure what is the right answer. Clearly the obvious is to announce to your DP that she is no longer invited - and if she is there then YOU certainly won't be.

You will get your own way of course, but I sense that is not what you want to do? There will be consequences for your DP, and you don't want to be 'that bride' just before your very special day.

I doubt that starting a campaign of equally pointed digs and giggles at her is right. It is already November and frankly I don't think you have the time to land enough cumulative blows to make a difference to her behaviour before the big date.

I guess you need to decide whether you can 'rise above this' on the day so it has zero impact on your experience? How much damage can she do? I suppose obvious giggling in church / registry office? Backhanded compliments about your dress/hair? Snorts during speeches? Dirty dancing with your DP? Making an impromptu speech about DP using his nickname?

If even seeing her face is going to set your teeth on edge, then you and DP need a serious talk. But having just got married myself a few months ago, I would say that I was so happy and engrossed in everything, I'm not sure I would have noticed if a member of ISIS had snuck in. And all your other guests will be SO focused on you and making you feel good, that they won't be interested in any of her PA bullshit.

If it were me I would probably start with a serious chat with your DP first about exactly how the list of behaviour examples is making you feel - and see what he proposes. He may be able to diffuse this rather more elegantly with her husband, allowing you to be the unsullied beautiful bride in the background.

I wish you the most wonderful day, whatever you decide.