AIBU to ask DP to uninvite his friend's wife from our wedding?

[Somerville]

One of my fiancé's closest friends is an usher at our upcoming wedding. DP is his child's godfather.

However, his wife doesn't like me. Actually, I think it's not personal to me - I think she loved having DP single to set up with her friends and to flirt with and she's annoyed by him not being available to her.

She began by making unkind jokes at my expense. Never in DP's hearing, and so subtle I wasn't sure whether she meant well but had clumsy phrasing. But it's getting worse and I'm now in no doubt. She's very funny so it looks like a sense of humour fail to take objection to her 'hilarious' comments.

She also calls DP a cutesy nickname that no-one else calls him, often brings up friends of hers who he has previously dated, and touches him a lot. He says she's always been a bit like this but he's assumed she would stop when he was in a serious relationship and instead it has got worse.

I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this. But DP wanted to try to get to the bottom of it to repair his friendship with them. Fair enough. She said the problem is that I'm over sensitive. But she apologised for bringing up how great his ex girlfriend is looking and for the cutesy nickname (I think he was too embarrassed to properly bring up the excessive touching) and cried, and her DH made excuses for her. DP was cautiously hopeful that she'd improve.

I saw her last night at a hen party for a mutual friend. She referred to my DP as the nickname then laughed and said 'silly me, he says you get jealous about our pet names'. I went and sat at another table.
Later on she told an amusing sex anecdote about a friend of hers who dated a friend of her DH's. I knew from the start that she would accidentally on purpose reveal it was DP and indeed she did. The pregnant bride looked upset so I again just got up and moved. No alcohol excuses as none of us were drinking.

I will be avoiding her in future. And I'd rather not have her at our small-ish wedding. I feel like asking DP to tell her she can't come. I think he will agree to this - especially with the sex anecdote thing - however it is of course then likely that his friend will pull out of being an usher and not attend, which will make him sad. AIBU and if I am, what is a better way of dealing with her? Just sucking it up on our wedding day isn't an option for me.

Who else woke up with A Thousand Years in their heads? It's meant to be! Somer and Lovely, I love the way you've prioritised each other here, sets a great precedent for marriage. What I don't understand is how Lovely can continue to be a good Godfather if you go NC with the Cunty Clan? I can see that being a problem long term?

I don't know the song A Thousand Years but I do now have the song A Thousand Miles in my head, which feels rather like missing the point.

Wow, I've just read all this and she sounds bonkers.

You and Lovely are handling this really well, Obviously your mutual friends are starting to see her for what she is.

Congratulations and good luck with the wedding

Maybe 'A Thousand Miles' could be sung then? Followed by an encore of '500 Miles'?

BTW Somer, I'm assuming there will be reserved seating for all the TwiHards? Of course, you'll have to have two separate areas, can't mix Team Edward with Team Jacob!

MrsJ I can see where maintaining that relationship could present problems. Hopefully the Cuntys will simmer down and Mr Cunty and Lovely can reach some sort of detente as friends that doesn't involve the wives socializing. Either that or, if the Cuntys don't apologize for Mrs Cunty's behaviour, Lovely might have to abdicate the godfather role tell them to choose someone else.

He's had an apologetic reply from them. He's convinced that Mr Cunty wrote it. Presumably she knows about it though because it's signed from both of them.

Bit outing to repeat too much of the content. But broadly, apologising for going the wrong way about communicating concerns - using the excuse that she has been worried about Lovely for months, was tipsy at hen do, and that they're very upset about a personal issue (health related for her). Lots of drama llama detail about this.

They acknowledge things that Lovely pointed out in his letter, like that his close family would be the right people to raise any genuine concerns, but then say that they knew some things that she thought his family didn't know. So as one of his oldest friends (not) she felt a responsibility though obviously went about it wrong blah blah blah.

They give various examples. My particulate favourites:

• That she observed that he's dropped his friends. (He hasn't dropped them of course; he's moved away and would rather have nights in with me then nights out with them like generally happens in adult relationships. )

• That when they heard that he has had a pre-nup drawn up to protect his assets she found that inconsistent with his previous opinions on marriage and thought it meant that he subconsciously has reservations. (How fucking dumb are they not to have clicked that our pre-nuptial agreement is to protect my assets from my first marriage for my children??? And don't get cross with Lovely letting this matter slip to Mr Cunty - he had a fair enough reason though clearly regrets having done so now.)

Anyway, they ended by saying that her concerns are now alleviated (why just lay them out again then? ) but they understand about the wedding and that they actually wouldn't have been able to make it anyway due to treatment for Ms Cunty's medical issue. (This is trying to save face, right? Why would he ask to be best man initially if this is true?)

I have no idea what to make of the ending: They wish us all the best, apologised again, their door always open and then something about a wedding gift that could be interpreted as either a generous gesture or fucking incredibly heartless. We have no idea which and perhaps that's the point.

Anyway, Lovely has no plans to reply though he feels a bit bad for not responding about the medical issue. I broke my rule of leaving it to him and said that he is meant to feel that and not to be sucked back in to her need to be the centre of attention.

I think having got an apology will make it a bit easier to do a polite smile and say hi and then walk in the other direction when we see them at stuff.

Result!

Am dying to know what the wedding present is??!

Ha the wedding present seems like a logic problem. What could it be?!

God, sorry, should have left that bit out.

I can't say because it would be outing if any other of my wedding guests came across this. And I can't think of a way to change the details for privacy that would have it still make sense.

Hoooooverrring at its finest. Completely calculated to try to make them her look reasonable and just concerned about him (lots of pearl clutching going on here methinks).

Medical issue my arse! Funny how it's just come up now. Definitely a pathetic attempt at saving face.

I would just say thanks for the apology and wish you well. Nice but closing the door kind of message.

Hiya, I'm another one finally delurking. I did this on your original thread, I'm consistent if nothing else

Firstly, congratulations on your impending nuptials, really chuffed for you both/all. You've handled this shitstorm with grace and dignity whilst watching CMCF being hoist by her own petard

Have they offered to pay for a weekend away-without the kids- or am I wildly off the mark?

Coincidentally, a lovely lady who is very dear to me will be marrying a widower in early January- they have only been together officially since about July although they met in March. They're in their early 60s and can't see the point of hanging about as they are both so happy. The only person trying to rain on their parade is her adult DD- I've advised the bride to tell her to fuck off not to bother attending if she can't be pleased for them.

I can't be at the wedding as I'll be on a plane but I'm making their wedding cake as my gift

Of course I'll be at the virtual one though, singing badly along to a thousand years

That's not much of an apology really

It's one of those 'I'm sorry you didn't like what I said' "apologies" rather than 'I'm sorry I said it & I was seriously out of order'

To be fair the letter is more apologetic than I've recounted. I've told you lot the bits that annoy me so I can have a whinge! But it is quite long and mostly consists of apology and wishing us well for the future.

But yes them needing to recount her
reasoning/excuses behind the things they're apologising for does make it less sincere. And I don't believe for a moment that she's sincere. Maybe he is.

marriednotdead I hope your friends wedding goes well. How nice that you're making her cake. I hope her daughter comes round quickly to the idea.

Bambam I just Googled hoovering. Interesting.

I'm glad for Lovely that you've had an apology. It's sad to lose old friends because of their partner's bad bahviour.

If I was Lovely, I'd reply with a simple polite non commital text to Mr Cunty - Got your letter. Thanks for the good wishes. Hope all goes well with Cunty's treatment.

I bet that will be the last you hear of them for a long long time, but if Lovely can retain some vestige of friendship with his old mate but not his mate's wife from the wreckage, then in the long run Lovely, mutual friends and consequently you will possibly be happier for it.

Hmmmm.

Thinking about everything that's been said and reading between the lines - could all this vindictiveness simply boil down to her DD not being asked as a flower girl?

Does Lovely intend to engage or leave it?

She has "narcissist" written on her forehead, you are wise to stear clear OP.

My gut reaction is that he is sincere, appalled, but feels he has to be loyal to MrsC . That's until I got to the wedding present, but quite possibly he didn't have much say or understand the implications.

I absolutely have the same reaction about Mrs C. In vino veritas.

I think Haffdonga's response is brilliant. Dignified, no hint of in a tiff so not responding, brief, to the point, keeps their face saving, non committal but leaves the door open for them to be friends again ( eg if Mrs C disappeared..". Means you've responded before the other wedding ,

Tipsy at the hen do huh?

What about all the other times she has been a sly cow to you?

What about the previous times he has tried to address her being a sly cow and it has been put down to you being 'over sensitive'? Wouldn't that have been the perfect time to bring up her worries?

It is bullshit arse covering.

Does anyone else think Cunty is expecting an apologetic and concerned phone call from Lovely? The business about her illness did seem like narcissistic behaviour. It all seems a bit teenage really "this'll make him regret how he treated me!"

Anyway, onwards and upwards Somer.
The apology doesn't seem sincere, but at least the question of rescinding the invitation has been resolved.

I'd love to know what the gift is. Tickets to the opera? To see The Merry Widow?

I've come to this a bit late - apologies. Huge congratulations again, Somer and so sorry that this is causing so much upset for you and Lovely at what should be a completely happy time.

Don't know if this is at all helpful, but, reading this, it struck me that I could be Mrs Cunty (or at least, in her position - I promise I'm not the real one!) in as much as I have a very close single male friend. We shared a flat together for many years and he is godfather to my children, to whom he is very devoted. He spends a lot of time with them and is much loved by them both. If he had a whirlwind romance and betrothal to someone who had children of her own, then - yes - I'm only human and I think I would feel a bit sorry for myself and sad that my children had had that relationship diluted (for want of a better word). That would be completely selfish of me, obviously, but you can't help your initial feelings. BUT....
a) This man is my friend and, after a couple of cups of tea being selfishly sorry for myself, I would have the decency to focus on the fact that his happiness was the most important thing here and that we should all be delighted for him that he had found love.
b) I'd have a bloody sharp word with myself about any jealousy towards his future wife's children, especially if they'd been through the hell that yours must have been through losing their father.
c). If I had such serious concerns that I couldn't keep quiet, I'd address them with him - quietly and directly - and wouldn't make distasteful, crass or passive aggressive remarks to his fiancée. Friends are allowed to have "valid concerns". They are allowed to talk about them constructively. They do not bitch behind your back, denigrate your affianced spouse, or attempt to cause problems in your relationship.

d). If my main aim was to protect my children's relationship with him, then I'd bend over backwards to welcome his new wife and family as that would be the most obvious way to facilitate that relationship continuing in the future.

....and if I was so bloody self absorbed that I couldn't see all of the above for myself, you can be absolutely sure that my DH would tear a strip off me and make sure I did! So I don't think Mr Cunty comes across at all well here.

I know it sounds trite, but this woman is a self absorbed bitch - and her DH is enabling that behaviour. Their letter is full of self justification and excuses; I suspect that you and Lovely would have more respect for the pair of them if they'd just apologised. "I felt jealous, I was selfish and wrong and I'm truly sorry" would be more on the money - and probably more likely to enable you to forgive and move forward.

Hope you and Lovely and the DCs have a wonderful day; like the rest of Mumsnet, I'm utterly thrilled for you!

"I suspect that you and Lovely would have more respect for the pair of them if they'd just apologised. "I felt jealous, I was selfish and wrong and I'm truly sorry" would be more on the money - and probably more likely to enable you to forgive and move forward."

YY to this.

I too felt jealous when a childless relative who had always been a bit of a 'second parent' married a woman with three children. We aren't quite as close now, but he's still there if I need him and what's more, he has found a lovely wife. I kept my jealousy to myself and got over it... and whaddya know, we go round for lunch still and all is well!

The recounting means she's likely apologizing because she 'has' to, doesn't fully mean it, and her husband has pushed for this to be over in hopes the friendship can be salvaged between him and your DH.

Medical issues? Don't believe it. She's full of it and trying to save face.

Have a lovely wedding. I'm glad she won't be there to wreck it.

Somerville Just read this and then your dating thread.
I'm rooting for you big time.
You should write a novel based on all of this, more particularly the dating thread. It'd be a hit, your writing style is as beautiful and bittersweet as your story.

FWIW I married my Lovely Man in 2015, 11 months after meeting him for the very first time...I fully agree that you 'just know' when it's right.

Well- I do think the door is open for Lovely to resume a friendship with Mr Cunty at some point in the future and to maintain a relationship with his god daughter. Which is good.
Brace yourself at the mutual friends' wedding - she will probably get stinking drunk and weep all over you.