AIBU to ask DP to uninvite his friend's wife from our wedding?

[Somerville]

One of my fiancé's closest friends is an usher at our upcoming wedding. DP is his child's godfather.

However, his wife doesn't like me. Actually, I think it's not personal to me - I think she loved having DP single to set up with her friends and to flirt with and she's annoyed by him not being available to her.

She began by making unkind jokes at my expense. Never in DP's hearing, and so subtle I wasn't sure whether she meant well but had clumsy phrasing. But it's getting worse and I'm now in no doubt. She's very funny so it looks like a sense of humour fail to take objection to her 'hilarious' comments.

She also calls DP a cutesy nickname that no-one else calls him, often brings up friends of hers who he has previously dated, and touches him a lot. He says she's always been a bit like this but he's assumed she would stop when he was in a serious relationship and instead it has got worse.

I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this. But DP wanted to try to get to the bottom of it to repair his friendship with them. Fair enough. She said the problem is that I'm over sensitive. But she apologised for bringing up how great his ex girlfriend is looking and for the cutesy nickname (I think he was too embarrassed to properly bring up the excessive touching) and cried, and her DH made excuses for her. DP was cautiously hopeful that she'd improve.

I saw her last night at a hen party for a mutual friend. She referred to my DP as the nickname then laughed and said 'silly me, he says you get jealous about our pet names'. I went and sat at another table.
Later on she told an amusing sex anecdote about a friend of hers who dated a friend of her DH's. I knew from the start that she would accidentally on purpose reveal it was DP and indeed she did. The pregnant bride looked upset so I again just got up and moved. No alcohol excuses as none of us were drinking.

I will be avoiding her in future. And I'd rather not have her at our small-ish wedding. I feel like asking DP to tell her she can't come. I think he will agree to this - especially with the sex anecdote thing - however it is of course then likely that his friend will pull out of being an usher and not attend, which will make him sad. AIBU and if I am, what is a better way of dealing with her? Just sucking it up on our wedding day isn't an option for me.

Uninvite!

Weddings are wonderful days, but also emotional days and tensions can run high (especially if there's alcohol involved). You don't want a situation where you are either tense all day or she crosses the line and you (or someone on your behalf) end up (understandably) blowing a gasket at her or your DH blows a gasket at his friend because of her behaviour.

You know, sometimes new friendship groups are needed when you marry. If your fiance's friendship group ignores what she's doing then the two of you need new friends. And don't buy the 'oh, she has a subtle sense of humour, no one knows what she means'. They know. I'm sure they've seen that side of her before. And your fiancé needs to realize that when you marry you put your spouse before your friends.

if a woman-to-woman chat might work

Maybe, but if she's your DH's friend moreso then it's his responsibility. Maybe you could meet up as a foursome and discuss it if you think he might not be able to stand up to her by himself? but that might seem like a bit of an 'intervention'.

Um, DP is godfather to their child. And his mate is good friends.

Yes, but you would hope very very much that his relationship with his wife to be outweighed those relationships. And if they do not, why marry?

YANBU but how long is it to the wedding? Before I disinvited her I'd call her out on it, calmly and politely, in public and with an audience of supportive mutuals. In a way that makes it look like she's jealous of you and you can't understand why she's being so hurtful, and is everything okay with her because there's really no explanation for her bizarre behaviour. (cough, "Why are you obsessed with me?", cough)

And then take it from there, but after that when you do uninvite her it'll be clear to all mutual friends that you had no option. You could even do it like "I honestly think you'll have a better day if you don't come, since you clearly don't like me. Don't worry about coming, honestly, no hard feelings, I just think it's better all round".

Apologies, I'm struggling to keep up with replies here.

Why haven't you told her to fuck off

Oysterbabe She's clever and has a good turn of phrase. Until last night there has been nothing so overt that it was easy to call her out on. I tried the old 'did you mean to be so rude?' line once when she had implied something rude (how ancient I am when a few days after I turned 40 ) and she managed to wriggle out of it.

And last night it was awkward to confront her when she'd already called me jealous in front of everyone.

I'm going to go against the popular opinion and say I wouldn't dis invite her. Not because she doesn't deserve it. She does she sounds a horrible cow. But because it will make things awkward for your dp to maintain his friendship with her husband. I would sit her with your friends who won't put up with any of her shit.

Well I am going to go against the grain here and say I would not uninivte her.
I simply think that the possible fall out after would be too much.

However I WOULD seat her next to the biggest bore I could find on the table plan... Ideally not next to her dh (who I would seat next to the most beautiful single woman who is coming)

I just think that with their child being your dh's Godchild it is not ok for the dh and the usher's friendship to be upset over her.

I would also find a friend I trust to ensure that she is " managed" during the wedding.

Also yes I would have a chat with her dh.

Lastly when she says things like " Oh I forgot our pet name upsets you" I would calmly say " it doesn't upset me I just think it is inappropriate for a grown up married woman to use it for someone she is not related to" head tilt "can't you see that?"

I'd have a chat with dp and say that you are now no longer prepared to be in her company. He can still do what he wants with that mate, and you will still both be there for the child but you are no longer prepared to socialise with her.

The wedding is a big day for you and him and no way would I want her there.

At a very very big push I'd say ok to her being there only for the night time part. But most definitely not all day. And I'd be fucking telling her why too.

But I'd talk to dp first so he knows it's coming.

Ideally - invite the couple round for drinks/dinner and have a face to face, grown up chat about it. She'll be mortified, apologetic, her partner will be livid with her for being such a dick and she'll volunteer to be absent from your wedding as punishment.

IRL - uninvite her, ride the rift it creates in DH's friendship group. DH can keep the relationship with them, you're not going to have one anyway because she's a jealous moron.

Oh and if she mentions the pet name again I'd say

"Oh it's ok; dh and I were talking last night about it and how odd it is, we had a right old laugh about it actually"

It's one of those situations where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

But, this woman isn't going to suddenly be your best buddy and do you want her face in your wedding photos for the rest of your life?? Plus, if your fiance puts his mate or his wife before you that would be a massive red flag against your relationship

And if she mentions any sexcapades involving your dh just say

"Gosh I know how lucky I am to have such a sex god get into bed with me every night"

What does her husband have to say about her behaviour? Surely he knows how horrendous she can be and must be expecting some comeback eventually.

I wonder if it might be worth covertly recording the next convo you have with her on your phone? It's so hard to remember exactly how things were phrased after someone has said them and you're trying to communicate it to someone else (e.g. your DP) but if you had it verbatim it might give you a much stronger case (although I would think telling your DP about her sharing the sex anecdote with all and sundry and in front of you should do the trick).

You cannot have her there ruining your special day. Tell your partner what she said, under no circumstances is she to go to the wedding.

Start calling your DH the pet name, she'll hate that. Sit her away from her DH next to a dull person or table of children and say in the speeches how crass and embarrassing stories about exes are and how happy you are together.

She seems utterly jealous of you. No other explanation I can think of for her trying to wind you up and clearly hoping to make you feel insecure. You have handled everything well so far she has attempted to get at you with but you shouldn't have to deal with anything like that on your special day and her only motivation will be to try and spoil the day for you in some kind of petty way.

You are justified in not inviting this spiteful, bitter woman regardless of her husband's role on the day. I do wonder if she isn't happy her husband is to be an usher also as her behaviour is so over the top despite her protestations that you are over sensitive. Good luck with the wedding and enjoying it without worrying what she will decide to come out with xxxx

She's clearly spectacularly jealous of you so I think let her come to the wedding. It'll piss her off more than you. You keep the moral high ground and as long as you can try and ignore her on the day it'll be fine. Any out of turn comments or behaviour on the day will make her look like a proper twat.

You should be so nice to her, like over the top ridiculously so. Be prepared for her to turn up in white though, she sounds the type.

Yanbu. It's awkward though isn't it? You could always let her come, sit them separately, sit her next to the worst/or most outspoken family member, who you will of course brief on the situation so they can tell hilarious stories about 'some friend of dh, his wife does xyz....how lame hahaha' to the rest of the table and of course introduce her to everyone as your husbands wannbe girlfriend/mistress with a huge chuckle at the end everytime 😁.

How long away is your wedding? I'd be inclined to go and see her with your OH and have it out with her. Your OH needs to tell her (angrily) that he had tried nicely to explain that her behaviour was out of order and that you BOTH were fed up of it. Yet she continued, telling stories about his past sex life etc. he could say that she needs to grow up And act maturely with manners around you, otherwise she's not welcome at your wedding and it will seriously damage his friendships too. Then test drive her behaviour on a girls night out. If she starts, stand up and say "I'm sick of you and your behaviour, enough is enough, I'm done" and walk out.

I'd also, sooner rather than later, speak to a friend or two who were at the hen do and ask if they think she's deliberately being rude or if you're being over sensitive. You're not, but it will flag up her behaviour in their memories.

She sounds incredibly manipulative.

Is she the same age as you?

Oh, she's jealous, which is all the more reason to invite her, rub her nose in it, make her jealous. I'd invite her totally, don't let her win and cause fractions. Just ignrore her, and don't go near her during the day and have a blast.

But cmon, you will be looking fab, ( I suspect you are attractive and that's adding to it, so wedding day will be a killer for her, women are seldom mean like that to women they don't think are attractive) marrying him, what's going to make her madder, having to sit through that, or you causing a stink and her being able to say your a jealous over sensitive mare.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Invite her and let her squirm her way through it. That's the option I'd pick. Oh and make sure to smile sweetly her way every now and again, just to make it extra fun.

YANBU but why should your partner be the one to uninvite her, just do it and tell her why.

I'm another who would invite her.To me, it's not worth your OH losing a seemingly close friend because of a stupid woman who has a big mouth.

I don't know how small your wedding is but you don't have to speak to anyone you don't want to on your wedding day. She will only ruin your day if you let her.

Remember, she has no power over you if you don't get upset. You know she's a dick and you know you and your dp are solid. So what if she tells stories, don't rise to it just roll your eyes and snog your husband.