AIBU to ask DP to uninvite his friend's wife from our wedding?

[Somerville]

One of my fiancé's closest friends is an usher at our upcoming wedding. DP is his child's godfather.

However, his wife doesn't like me. Actually, I think it's not personal to me - I think she loved having DP single to set up with her friends and to flirt with and she's annoyed by him not being available to her.

She began by making unkind jokes at my expense. Never in DP's hearing, and so subtle I wasn't sure whether she meant well but had clumsy phrasing. But it's getting worse and I'm now in no doubt. She's very funny so it looks like a sense of humour fail to take objection to her 'hilarious' comments.

She also calls DP a cutesy nickname that no-one else calls him, often brings up friends of hers who he has previously dated, and touches him a lot. He says she's always been a bit like this but he's assumed she would stop when he was in a serious relationship and instead it has got worse.

I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this. But DP wanted to try to get to the bottom of it to repair his friendship with them. Fair enough. She said the problem is that I'm over sensitive. But she apologised for bringing up how great his ex girlfriend is looking and for the cutesy nickname (I think he was too embarrassed to properly bring up the excessive touching) and cried, and her DH made excuses for her. DP was cautiously hopeful that she'd improve.

I saw her last night at a hen party for a mutual friend. She referred to my DP as the nickname then laughed and said 'silly me, he says you get jealous about our pet names'. I went and sat at another table.
Later on she told an amusing sex anecdote about a friend of hers who dated a friend of her DH's. I knew from the start that she would accidentally on purpose reveal it was DP and indeed she did. The pregnant bride looked upset so I again just got up and moved. No alcohol excuses as none of us were drinking.

I will be avoiding her in future. And I'd rather not have her at our small-ish wedding. I feel like asking DP to tell her she can't come. I think he will agree to this - especially with the sex anecdote thing - however it is of course then likely that his friend will pull out of being an usher and not attend, which will make him sad. AIBU and if I am, what is a better way of dealing with her? Just sucking it up on our wedding day isn't an option for me.

If you can squeeze them, I'm sure a couple of mnetters could look after cmcf for the day. No stress or responsibility for your sister or friends and we could soon sort her out 😄

If she were a true friend she would be happy for your DP. She sounds completely self absorbed with an overinflated sense of self-importance, and has been thwarted by you coming into his life and sweeping him off his feet. This probably makes her feel quite insignificant and has lost her status as 'most important person in his life' (she has probably told herself that he must secretly fancy her, which is why he has never settled down with anyone) and has now been driven mad with jealousy as is making a total tit out of herself!

I would just say to your DP to leave it be, not to say anything, but to quietly distance himself/yourselves from her. I think saying anything at all will just fuel the drama. Don't uninvited, just reduce contact to bare minimum.

I know a couple of small kids who could sit with her. Bombard her with facts about dinosaurs, insist she plays hangman, and tell her she is being mean and they will tell on her if she gets out of line.

Okay, so now she has turned it around so she is the victim. And you all have to dance attendance around her vulnerabilities.

Interesting.

She sounds bloody unhinged. Just tell your dp to get rid of them both and stop all this drama! Unfortunately your dp can't maintain a friendship with someone whose wife behaves like this - she has put everyone in an untenable position.

I think she wants to cause a huge amount of drama. So the answer is to do nothing. She wants to create a situation where she is the victim. At worst she wants to split you up from your DP. It would be sad if your DP lost his friend (the usher).
Do nothing.

I would try the one to one yourself with her if you feel you can be forceful enough.

Tell her that you have more manners than to call her out at another's hen party - particularly when they were already upset by her behaviour - but that you will not continue to tolerate her rudeness and bullying.

Say that you respect the friendship between your DH and hers, but that ultimately your individual marriages are stronger, and if she can't rein in her behaviour it is inevitable that a valued friendship will have to end. Her choice.

You clearly are never going to be best friends, but for the close friendship to continue, she needs to learn to behave appropriately and not like a 12 year old.

Just read your thread Op - your DP sounds like a good one so very happy for you both.

As you were counting responses, I'll add my two pennies. I say invite her. You'll both be so happy that her presence won't bother you at all.

FWIW, my DH had a close friend whose girlfriend at the time was a complete bitch to me (they'd been together years & think she didn't like newcomers to the group as she was horrible to all new girlfriends - we also got engaged after a year together whereas they'd been together about 6 years at that time & not yet engaged) so I ignored her & refused to invite them to our wedding (did give them an evening invite). It was obvious they were the only ones from a big friendship group not invited but I didn't care. However on the day, I was so happy that I wished I had invited them as I really liked my DHs friend & for her to see just how happy we all were.

They came to the evening do & she was very polite & pleasant & after that the bitchiness stopped. We were invited to their wedding a few years later (but didn't go as it was abroad & couldn't make it work logistically).

Anyway, I say invite. All the best.

But what happens if the OP does nothing and this wonan says something awful to her kids, or ruins her wedding? Should the OP he on edge all day, because this woman is barking and unpredictable? This is her wedding - it should be an amazing day for her, not one more thing to worry about. Not familiar with the OP but it sounds like she has been through a tough time and deserves not to have her wedding turned to shit.

Uninvite her. She shouldn't be so important.
It's your wedding and she shouldn't be the focus of your thoughts. No way should you plan revenge plans around speeches or seating. It's just too negative and childish and you could end up looking like the nasty one. Make a grown up stand and say she's simply not invited to the wedding.

We had similar with a 'friend' of DH's.
I unfriended her on Facebook after she made a bitchy joke at my expense on my own page! She just sent a piss taking message to DH saying I was hypersensitive....
By this time we had a child and I wasn't prepared to set this example so suggested DH unfriended her too. She went ballistic publicly. She really thought their '20 year friendship' made her more important than his wife and mother of his child.
She was wrong....😂
We lost contact with 3 other people in the fallout, but most people could understand the stand we made. It was definitely worth putting an end to all the nonsense/negativity.

I'd univite her very soon so you have plenty of time to move on prior to the wedding. There may be some more rejigging of the guest list, but that's life. Friendships shift.

If the rest of the group are close to your DH they'll still stand by him. Her own husband will need to decide where his loyalties lie....I suspect with his wife (and that's where your husband's should be too).

Yes Bringmetea, thanks for clarifying. I did indeed mean that she told him that her child has been replaced in his affections by my children. Not by me. Though I agree with those pointing out that she probably means her/me but is dressing it up as being about the children.

Either way, I don't want her anywhere near mine.

I understand what you mean pictish and I too am uncomfortable with usher being sacked for not 'controlling his woman'. But it seems to run deeper for DP, he feels a bit betrayed (that's overly dramatic but I can't think of a better word) by both of them. He thinks his friend should have pointed out to his wife that being a godfather doesn't entail weekly visits with the child and not sat there looking sympathetic which encouraged her.

Anyway, who he chooses for roles in the wedding is up to him. He has plenty of other friends. Some of whom we haven't been able to invite due to numbers

He went out for a run and came back still edging towards not having them come. I suggested them sitting with my sister and he said rather grim faced that if they come they'll be sitting between his sisters. But that it irritates him that it would give them an undue level of importance to seat them with family.

A few more things have come out about stuff she'd said to him about our relationship in the early days. None of it absolutely terrible but definitely trying to manipulate him into the 'realisation' that there are too many complications (my children - charming ) for it to work out long term. As a result he stopped talking to them about us so our engagement must have been rather a shock.

Read your update. She is just plain weird and not emotionally healthy. You both need to distance yourself. What happens when you have children of your own? I hate to think. As someone said upthread, you should only have people at your wedding who are happy for you and she is clearly not. I think this is the reason you should give for uninviting her.

Honestly this just sounds worse and worse.

No way would I want her at my wedding. You will feel anxious about seeing her, what she will say etc.

Tbh I would cut her off completely. Hope it goes well whatever you decide.

I'm glad your DH is on your side. I would leave it to him TBH, let him choose re the usher and not talk him out of deselecting him!

Does anyone else share her views of you (as complicated and not lasting) as far as he knows?

I hope not rollonthesummer. Not as far as I know. Aside from this couple his friends seem mature and pretty sorted.

His family have been thoughtful and welcoming, and aquaintances and his extended family seem to have taken their cues from them.

Wow, she really does have a weird unhealthy attitude to your fiance. I have a goddaughter, I see her about 4 times A YEAR, which I think is a good amount, and as for saying to her child that about your children

GOOD GRIEF, if I had step dc they would obviously take priority over my goddaughter who has her own parents and that's totally normal!

I don't think for a moment that your fiance should suggest to his friend he "control his woman" - I think he should tell him he's concerned about her mental health and odd erratic behaviour.

What an absolutely bloody horrible thing to say about your children, particularly given what they've been through. Quite evil, actually.

The more you say, the more I'm inclined to change my mind and disinvite her/them both. And I agree with your dp that sitting her with family will just inflate her self importance. Especially if it's your dp's family.

I don't think either that her dh should be controlling her or her actions but it doesn't sound like he's shocked by them, and that's really weird.

Somerville
She sounds manipulative, needy and immature.
It sounds like your DP is thinking through what he wants to do. Her recent behaviour has made him feel uncomfortable (Fab sign from Mr Lovely). Really he'll be evaluating her friendship in his head which will take time. Ps She can't cling on as closely if he's deciding she's not such a good friend after all as he'll put her in check.

I would let it all play out, if she likes drama that much, she'll do something weird in front of others as he gradually withdraws.
You've time to patiently watch it "go down" Best to let him find his MrLovely way of dealing with it.

Hahaha.. he just asked what I'm doing I said updating MN.
'Dare I ask what the consensus is?'

'Let's just say x is now known as Cunty McCuntface.'

Him:

And that's how you know he's a keeper!

She cried when your DP confronted her previously? Does she have her own reality TV show? I'd tune in.

It is up to your DP who he has asked ushers, and I guess this is making him realise he friendship dynamics have changed. If he'd have realised how Queen Bee felt about you before deciding on the wedding party, would he have chosen this particular friend as an Usher? I get the sentiment about not rescinding the invites as it gives her the drama she craves, but if the friendship is doomed that may as well happen before the wedding so you don't have Frenemies included when numbers are limited. Is it really winning by having them there? I'm more inclined to think not. She may well behave on the day, but could she really resist criticising it afterwards?

hello OP. I have a similar problem with one of my DH's friends. It has been going on for 15 years and goes far further than just a bit of bitchiness or jealousy. She behaves as though she were his first wife and that I am some kind of usurping second wife that needs to be kept in her place. At the outset of our relationship, I didn't notice for a while, until several of my friends pointed out how rude she was about me (and to me) - and then I just decided to ignore it as I felt at the time that she was no threat to me, that her behaviour probably came from a place of sadness and loneliness and I wanted to try to be generous to her. So I didn't challenge her and my partner didn't challenge her and her behaviour has completely escalated over the last few years until it has really threatened our marriage. I wish, wish, wish I had dealt with it years ago because it hasn't stopped and is now a significant problem for us and our wider friend ship group. My advice to you would be to address her behaviour now and put an end to it because it could get a lot worse.

Were you there when he told her to back off before? I wonder how exactly he phrased it.

I'd be tempted to uninvited her yourself and tell her what about her behaviour you find unacceptable and why, it doesn't have to be done aggressively, you can do it calmly and (semi) politely over a glass of wine.
Cows like that behave the way they do because nobody stands up to them.

I would just rescind her invitation. Why would you want someone at your wedding who clearly wishes you ill and is waiting to crow over anything that goes wrong? I wouldn't want this person anywhere near me.

But, I would definitely call her Cunty McCuntface from now on. To her face. She does like nicknames, after all!