AIBU to ask DP to uninvite his friend's wife from our wedding?

[Somerville]

One of my fiancé's closest friends is an usher at our upcoming wedding. DP is his child's godfather.

However, his wife doesn't like me. Actually, I think it's not personal to me - I think she loved having DP single to set up with her friends and to flirt with and she's annoyed by him not being available to her.

She began by making unkind jokes at my expense. Never in DP's hearing, and so subtle I wasn't sure whether she meant well but had clumsy phrasing. But it's getting worse and I'm now in no doubt. She's very funny so it looks like a sense of humour fail to take objection to her 'hilarious' comments.

She also calls DP a cutesy nickname that no-one else calls him, often brings up friends of hers who he has previously dated, and touches him a lot. He says she's always been a bit like this but he's assumed she would stop when he was in a serious relationship and instead it has got worse.

I've been ignoring her rudeness because I think she thrives on drama and attention and frankly I don't have time or energy for all this. But DP wanted to try to get to the bottom of it to repair his friendship with them. Fair enough. She said the problem is that I'm over sensitive. But she apologised for bringing up how great his ex girlfriend is looking and for the cutesy nickname (I think he was too embarrassed to properly bring up the excessive touching) and cried, and her DH made excuses for her. DP was cautiously hopeful that she'd improve.

I saw her last night at a hen party for a mutual friend. She referred to my DP as the nickname then laughed and said 'silly me, he says you get jealous about our pet names'. I went and sat at another table.
Later on she told an amusing sex anecdote about a friend of hers who dated a friend of her DH's. I knew from the start that she would accidentally on purpose reveal it was DP and indeed she did. The pregnant bride looked upset so I again just got up and moved. No alcohol excuses as none of us were drinking.

I will be avoiding her in future. And I'd rather not have her at our small-ish wedding. I feel like asking DP to tell her she can't come. I think he will agree to this - especially with the sex anecdote thing - however it is of course then likely that his friend will pull out of being an usher and not attend, which will make him sad. AIBU and if I am, what is a better way of dealing with her? Just sucking it up on our wedding day isn't an option for me.

I would invite her, but not because she makes you insecure. I would use the gist of sykadelics message to imply that it is stbdh doing the uninviting as the fact that QB has consistently ignored his reasonable requests to stop acting like this, prove she is not his friend because, after all, what friend would deliberately continue a behaviour that they know is upsetting for their friend? Why would you invite someone to your wedding when they have do little respect for your feelings?

I hope you have a lovely day and a very happy marriage.

After the comments about your previous thread I have spent hours reading it ~thanks to you Somer my house is a mess ~ what an amazing thread, and an amazing women you are. Your DH and STBDH both sound lovely.

Anyway back to this thread...
We had to uninvite someone from our wedding and unfortunately she is a relative of DH. DH recognised that we could not have someone there that was not happy for us and would not speak to us. He told her she would not be invited as we had not yet sent invites.
Everyone at your wedding should be happy for you but most importantly you need to do what will cause you the least amount of stress. Don't have her there if she will ruin your day or alternatively have there because it will cause less stress all round.
Congratulations

I would also keep her coming to the wedding but as others have suggested sit her next to someone like your sister. It doesn't sound like this would stress your sister, she might actually enjoy it. If cmcf tries ta say anything she could say 'oh its you, you're the possessive one they were laughing about'

Let her see you and do looking fabulous and marrying each other. Don't give her another reason to make snide comments about your jealously and insecurity when
We all know it's hers

Have a fabulous day and don't forget to update next year!

Defo don't uninvite her, you're just giving her ammunition and it's going to cause problems between your fiance and his best mate in the future. It can't not.

Just don't go near her on the big day. She can't ruin it if you don't let her. By uninviting her uou show uour hand, that this is a big deal to you and you are bothered, don't make uour future husband pick between him and his mate because his wife is an insecure jealous arse.

By univinting her, you make this serious and there is no going back. You up the game by uninviting, it's like, I'll see your bitchy comments with a ginormous big fuck you and the battle lines are drawn. There is no going back. Any future social events will be impacted when you are both there, invites to future events will cause problems for others as they try to manage the situation and decide who to invite, a whole social circle is impacted when it's a formalised breakdown like this.

Invite her and don't waste any more of your energy thinking about it.

yvainestormhold yes they were ... I thought women grew up from being playground bullies... Turns out they don't they just get older and nastier ...

Another vote for not uninviting here! She would THRIVE on the drama of it, and it would be really divisive in the friendship group. It would give her the drama-fuelled airtime she needs to 'prove' that you are the jealous / unhinged one (you're not, but that would be the spin she puts on it). Confronting people like this doesn't work - you are not dealing with a rational human being, she is a game player and you have to be subtle and clever to 'win'.

No-one at a wedding would be impressed with someone making snide comments about the bride. If she does, it's likely to be more taken notice of by mutual friends because it's a pretty shit thing to do. They'll remember it.

Sly comments can't be perceived as banter as it may be in a normal social situation and glossed over - to slag off the bride is just not the done thing!

I think she'll either keep a low profile, or even be sickly sweet since this type loves to be at the centre of things. She likes to believe she's important to your DH-to-be. This is where you'll get your opportunity to take the wind out of her sails. Give her zero attention. If she tries to talk to you, exchange brief pleasantries and gaze over her shoulder, and dash off to talk to another guest you really must catch up with. I also love the suggestion of sitting her with your friends! That was she'd be naturally policed. Otherwise the furthest table away from the top table. Also yes!! to the suggestion of sitting her DH next to a single hottie - just for the shits and giggs! It'll be a small cheeky act of defiance

If the nickname comes up, be it at the wedding or in social situations, you need strategies for dealing with it. This will be easy to cut out. She currently knows that it winds you up, so she'll keep on doing it. It's a way for her to affirm her 'special' status with your DH. The way to deal with it is super simple - mockery! A bit of 'bantery' piss taking, along with making it seem like an in-joke between you and your DH as if you've been laughing about it in private (all good natured, of course! She'd be totally 'over sensitive' if she took it badly). As a pp said, smirk or snigger when she uses it and shoot your husband a sneaky totally obvious glance. Do a tinkly laugh and say 'he's got a funny nickname for you too' with a wink, but with a huge genuine friendly smile - it'll totally discombobulated her. If she pushes you to tell her what it is, jut laugh and say 'nah I was only teasing you silly sausage' in a really friendly way. But she'll be left wondering. I can bet my bottom dollar she'll cut it out asap.

If you and your DH act slightly, almost imperceptibly 'off' with her between now and the wedding, she'll notice, but no-one else in the group will. Think of it like smothering a small fire - just take away its oxygen. Don't respond to her digs, keep doing what you're doing ignoring her attention-seeking remarks. She's not your DF's 'special friend' any more - and she's jostling to hang onto the position. It will eventually sink in that her status in his life has changed - you and your DH just need to hasten the process. Also a great idea to bolster good friendship links with the other members of the group. If the shit ever did hit the fan with 'fangirl', it'll likely to have much less impact on you and your husband's position in the group if you're well liked as a couple. Don't think others won't have noticed what she's like either - certainly the women. Believe me, it may not be referred to but it won't have gone unnoticed.

And lastly, as much as you're pissed off and concerned now - on the actual day she won't even register. You'll be far far to wrapped up in the magic and the love and having a wonderful day with your family and friends for one spiteful cow to even make a ding in that aura of happiness.

Congratulations!!!

I can't believe no-one has made the suggestion of keeping her invited but accidentally leaving her off the seating plan and meal count. 😈

I am of course only joking. Keep her invited and sit her next to your sister then don't give her a second thought.

Tbh you're a more patient and pleasant person than me, I'd have given her both barrels a long time ago.

My SIL was weirdly possessive of DH (her brother) and a pp mentioned having to complete the application form in triplicate. I think that applied in her case, he found someone to go out with without her blessing or say so.

Anyway, not inviting her simply wasn't an option, but she spent the whole wedding with a face like she had chewed a wasp, then pathetically announced her pregnancy to all and sundry. Yes, it was an annoyance, but 15 years on it's not a big deal.

I put her at the table of elderly aunts and uncles, and she Was Not Happy, to the point that she complained loudly about it.

Perhaps your DF will be so pissed off about the sex stories and have words with her, that she might have a 'migraine' on the day, with any luck.

Unlurking just to say I think uninviting her will appeal to her need for drama, and makes it look as though you fear her.

Things need to come to a head so you can move on. Your lovely fiancé needs to spell things out to her very clearly, in front of you. She obvs thinks she has first dibs on your man, and is jealous of you.

Read your original thread last night Somer - I'm sorry for your loss, and so happy that you and your precious DC have found happiness again with Mr Lovely. Don't let this horrible cow detract from that. Good luck for the wedding (and ttc :))

I'm a very ballsy woman. I'd sort her out for you

Yy to inviting some MNers to the wedding to keep an eye on her. Not fair on your sister to shoulder the responsibility.

Thanks for all the further words of wisdom.
The posts last night calling her mean names cheered me up a bit but I woke up this morning feeling rather sorry for her and reading about similar experiences is helpful to try and work out the least-worst next step.

DP knows now and is in equal parts upset, pissed off and rather embarrasssed.

He told me a bit more about when he talked to them last about her flirting/bitchyness (He hadn't kept it from me before - I'd told him I didn't want all the gory details.) Apparently she started crying and saying that she felt that her child had been replaced in his affections by mine. Also that her child should have a position in the wedding party, and that DP should commit to coming over regularly for the evening so that her child doesn't feel like they've lost their godfather. DP replied that he loves her child but he wouldn't have agreed to be godfather if he'd known she expected a level of commitment that got in the way of him having a family of his own.

She had seemed to accept that, and apologised, so he's really upset that her behaviour has got worse rather than better. He's also worried that her making it about the kids means she'll say something to them or about them at the wedding and cause a lot of upset. He's erring towards uninviting both of them as he feels very led down that his friend hasn't got through to her how awful this is.

I've told him to think about it for a few days and he has agreed. He says at the very least he is telling his friend that because of all this he shouldn't be an usher. He needs to sit with his wife and child - he feels she is better behaved in front of her DH, and I think that is true.

Thanks, all

Do you know what OP, I've been thinking about the situation a lot this morning, and I started wondering about her child in all this. It's telling that your dp is godfather - in a way, for someone like this, that was another neat way to tie your dp to her family, but with all focal points still on her. I'm not surprised this has come out of the woodwork although it makes her seem really quite unhinged. Does she not see how strange and uncomfortable it is that she sees you - his wife to be and lover - as replacing her daughter in his affections? Yuck.

Apparently she started crying and saying that she felt that her child had been replaced in his affections by mine.

God what a bloody mare this woman is. Rosie's posts are spot on.

I am bristling at the thought of Bitchface sitting in your wedding party being all possessive and vile. May be slightly over invested in this

I think OP means her DCs not her, herself as twere...

I would ask DHTB to have a talk with her. It has to come from him, as she is clearly over attached to him.

The talk should be along the lines, that as queen bee is clearly not happy with his upcoming wedding to Somerville and as he wants to keep her friendship in the long term. It would be better if she didn't attend the wedding.

Queen bee will either :-

1. Be glad to be let off the hook and not attend. WIN

1. Deny being unhappy about the wedding and Somerville. Saying she wants to come to the wedding.

In which case your DHTB can set the ground rules for attending the wedding. Telling Queen Bee that she must not use the inappropriate nickname, talk about sex life or upset Somerville in any way. WIN

she started crying and saying that she felt that her child had been replaced in his affections by mine. hmm Also that her child should have a position in the wedding party, and that DP should commit to coming over regularly for the evening so that her child doesn't feel like they've lost their godfather.

For 'her child', read 'BF herself' in the above. She's feeling pushed out by you and is using the children as a way to say how she feels. It's not about the children. It's about her feelings of ownership of your DP and her jealousy of you.

I think given this level of fuckwittage I would uninvite - as a previous poster said, it's not fair to potentially put your children in the position of being exposed to her drama at the wedding.

We have one of these. It's really hard to explain but she doesn't fancy dh but likes to stamp ownership on him if that makes sense. So I've had years of stories about 'them' from before I met him, if we're out as a group, she'll shout of him to go to the bar for her & A pic of my ds on Facebook tagged as 'our boy'.

I'm usually quite laid back so even when it was driving me mad, I was a stubborn cow acted like I hadn't even noticed & once she started upping the ante it gave me a lot of satisfaction to pretend I wasn't rattled.
Eg straddled dh in a bar essentially giving him a lap dance then ringing me the next day to "apologise ".
Me -"don't be daft no need to apologise I didn't even know it had happened." Then after more description & "wondering" why dh had " kept it secret" "Nah he mentioned how drunk you were. Said you'd embarrassed yourself but he didn't mention anything specific. Anyway see you later?"
It was dh who actually got sick of it & although she was in too our wedding (& said she would come) she didn't turn up on the day.

Yes questing I think that is spot on.

Was her dh there during that ridiculous conversation? If so then he is starting to also look culpable in this madness.

Just remembered I knew someone like this. But we were best friends. She started getting really possessive of dh (was then just boyfriend) and engineered a fall out between us, she tried saying that I was only friends with her to get to him, forgetting the fact that I'd known him months before I met her, I met her through him and she only knew him through moving into the house share!

She also told me about going out with another girl, obviously trying to cause trouble, what she didn't know was this other girl he was seeing was an very old school friend and that I knew about it!

Basically she liked to invent drama in her life wherever possible and she tried to involve us. Luckily we saw through it all and are no longer in contact.

I like nousernames tactic. Don't let her see that you're upset, turn it round on her so she can't create more drama.

Sod sister. Find a couple of good friends of yours that she can sit with during the dinner and park her in the table furthest away from you that you can manage. They need to be primed to sit on her at the first sarky comment. "Oh are you X? The bride did say that her usher had a wife who was a bit batshit about the groom" tinkly laugh...

I don't think your dh2b should demote his friend from being an usher. None of this is his fault and it's not really his job to control his woman or any of that nonsense...she has autonomy and is responsible for her own conduct.

She clearly has a skewed sense of her own importance in regard to your dh2b. Her tears over her child being less important were quickly negated by his reasonable insistence that caring for her child should not interfere with his right to have a family of his own. She apologised didn't she?

Leave things as they are...just avoid her from now on.

I too had something similar with my dh's friend's sisters trying to claim 'ownership' over dh after it became clear I wasn't just passing through. He saw it too...thought they were being very weird and inappropriate and quietly but firmly detached himself from it.
If circumstances throw us together these days, they could not be sweeter.

No need for wedding re-shuffling and all that pointed drama. Rise above and carry on being happy and in love. That is all.

She's a problem you could both do without but I wouldn't disinvited her, that places far more importance on her than she merits.

Besides she needs to be there to witness how wonderfully happy you are on your special day and that you is plural by the way.

Gosh she really is a drama queen! Your poor dp he sounds like he really has tried to get through to her. How selfish can she be?