AIBU to think my son's girlfriend should let him live his own life?

[TooBusy4TV]

Please give me your thoughts on this subject. My son has just turned 18 and is in his second year of A Levels. He wants to go to university to do a specific degree which is his passion. He doesn't want to stay local, he wants to go to the Capital to study.

He has been dating the same girl for just over two years and they are at the same stage in their studies. Having failed one of his AS exams he has ditched that subject and restarted a new A Level fresh this term. That means come next summer he will have two and a half A Levels which may or may not be enough UCAS points to get in, but it's worth a try and there's always clearing. Otherwise he'd maybe have to wait another 12 months until he got all 3 A Levels completed.

His girlfriend will finish all her A Levels next year and intend to work for a year before she thinks about university. She does not want the big city. Historically in their relationship she calls all the shots and uses her emotions to control him eg 'if you do that it shows you don't love me'.

She has made it clear to him that he is not to go to university next year as she isn't intending to go herself. She has made him promise not to apply. He feels she will put him through enormous pressure (and I think emotional blackmail) if he did apply and go next year to follow his dreams sooner rather than later.

He thinks that staying at home another year is the path of least resistance but if asked if he wants to go next year - he certainly does. He is quite kind hearted and does not like upsetting anyone - least of all her.

AIBU to think she should butt out and let him do what he bloody well wants to do?

From a frustrated mother

Yep as another mother of sons do not interfere.

My advice is to listen and then say 'up to you love it's your life' when he knows he can't bleat to you and complain about her he may start to grow up and choose like an adult.

By the way I met my dh at 18 and we have been married 30 years and have 5 kids.

Step back

Your son needs to grow a pair of the proverbials and stand up to the BOTH of you, he's 18 fgs. Leave him to it.

I too was wondering what is odd about a teenager confiding in a parent about their relationship issues?

If he's taking responsibility for proper precautions an accidental pregnancy shouldn't be an issue.

I agree with Bluntness and GreenGoddess too, be careful. I've been with my DH since we were 16, we went to Uni together and then got married. My MIL was horrible to me for years and accused me of all sorts. It has made her life (and ours) considerably more unpleasant than it needed to be.

With the cost of degrees as they are, and what you've said about having to go through clearing or get into a lesser University, it sounds like taking an extra year out to get another A-Level and trying to get into a good University is the best option. Are you worried about him doing this because it places him with her for another year and will look as if she's 'won'? That extra year may lead to his relaitonship with her fizzling out anyway. Who knows.

I think you need to forget the girlfriend and look at the whole picture of options objectively and decide what's best for his future career. His education should come first. Advise him to forget what his girlfriend wants because his future career is the most important thing and if it does not work out with her he will always look back and regret not putting his education first.

Unfortunately he needs to learn what his girlfriend is really like for himself. The more you try to persuade him about her character, the more he will distance himself from you and do what he wants anyway (in secret). If you want to offer him advise, start every sentence with 'What do you think about the fact that she did xyz?' 'What do you think will happen if xyz happens?', 'What do you think is the best thing to do for your future career?' With teenagers, they need to feel as if they have come up the with answers themselves.

Definitely don't interfere - I totally understand why you feel the way you do though. FWIW, I went to uni with my boyfriend. We got together at 16. I was supposed to be applying to Oxbridge (first person in my family to go to any sort of uni, and still the only to even have five GCSEs), he was a grade short so was going elsewhere. We worked out a plan between us - I'd apply to Cambridge, he'd apply to UEA (great for the course he wanted), and if we both got in we'd make it work. We'd apply to half unis the same and half different to leave our options open as long as possible.

My mum went absolutely crazy. Said I was ruining my life. Refused to accept that he wasn't controlling me and my destiny (he wasn't). Phoned my school and tried to say I was too young and misguided to be allowed to make this decision for myself. Put every spanner in the works of our relationship that she could. So I said 'screw you', filled out my UCAS form with ALL the same things as his, didn't apply to Oxford or Cambridge, and buggered off into the sunset with him as a two fingers up to her.

I'm not saying you'd do any of that stuff. But I was well aware that this was a decision I could make without any adult involvement, and I did.

(And it was fine: we've been together 18 years, married for 12, have two DDs and another on the way, I still love him, and I first from the uni we went to and a PhD from Oxford in the end.)

My point is: he's going to make this decision himself no matter what you say. You can talk to him about it and advise him to make sure he's doing what he feels is right. But otherwise he's going to make the decision by himself. And it might not work out how you think anyway - it might work out brilliantly, for all sorts of reasons none of you can predict right now.

So many typos/errors - sorry!

And as for not interfering...I don't think so.

A. He came to her looking for advice.
B. He's eighteen and while he is technically an adult, he knows nothing...nothing.
C. She's making him promise not to go to uni before she does? Who asks that of someone...even the very young and stupid. So selfish!
D. So fuck that. Sack her and her claws off and go to uni if you like, son.

Surely?

A friend of mines 17 yo son applied to both Durham and Cambridge among others. His gf did too. She got into Durham and not Cambridge. He got into both.

He was like my gf....I have to go with her. His mother and father rightly told him dont you dare turn down a place at Cambridge for the sake of a gf at the age of 17.

He listened as ge really didnt want to turn down Cambridge. Went to Cambridge and couldnt be happier. New gf he met there.

Id just tell him that he shouldnt make life choices based on what a gf wants at this very young age. What is the deal with her that she feels the need to brow beat him. cant she be independent and make decisions without him, does she have any friends?

Might get a flaming here, I'm not a mother of sons or anyone but, hm, I would consider a modest amount of interfering!

"That means you don't love me" is not just "calling the shots", it's manipulative and controlling. Fine, you can't tell him what to do, but I don't see what's wrong with telling him that that's really not what healthy relationships are in your opinion. It's all very well people saying "he's a grown adult" but he doesn't have much experience at this stuff, nobody turns 18 and is instantly able to spot unhealthy behaviour patterns. Having a trusted adult (which you clearly are) give a firm opinion that something isn't normal/appropriate can be very valuable.

In a way the A-levels stay-or-go thing is a slightly separate issue. AFAIK having 3 rather than 2.5 A-levels makes a pretty big difference to range of places you can apply to and that has a knock-on effect on how people perceive your CV when you graduate etc. So while I get that he is keen to get on, I also don't think staying back a year would be the worst thing in the world.

By the way, if he doesn't go this year, that only defers the crunch if she doesn't like the city. Next year if they're still together she might well start pressuring him not to apply there but stay local.

It's weird, a thread about a grown woman being emotionally bullied by her partner would bring buckets of sympathy and ideas about how she could/should leave.
A thread about a very young adult in a similarly abusive relationship is met with shrugs and "none of your business".

Honestly, the relationship won't improve, she will continue to be a bully, he will resent her for standing in his way. Hopefully, he will keep talking to you and find the strength to leave her.

If it were a daughter we were discussing here and her demanding boyfriend, the answers would be very different.
Any money you like.

Perspicacia glad it's not just me!

And pictish!

I don't think it's none of the OP's business at all, and I think she is totally justified to feel how she feels and it sounds like she has a healthy relationship with her son and they are able to talk these things through. BUT we only see the relationship between her son and the girlfriend through her perspective here, and we don't know the context in which the girlfriend said this stuff. I totally agree with the idea that there may be sexual double standards going on here, and that's not good.

I just think that talking it through with him, making sure he feels supported to make whatever decision he thinks is right, is the best approach. Trying to get rid of the girlfriend or having a go at the son or doing anything more heavyhanded is likely to backfire, and damage the OP's relationship with her son in the process (IMO). (Not that the OP ever suggested she'd do any of those things - I just think it's a frustrating position for her to be in but one over which she has very limited control.)

It's an 'only on MN' moment I fear.

If this were my son, damn right he'd hear what I had to impart.

I agree Pictish

Teenagers are stubborn just talk to him without applying to much pressure. You could threaten him if he don't go to uni then blah will happen.

DS2 was happily living at home and commuting into the capital to Uni. was in his 2nd year at Uni when long term girlfriend started Uni. She had a very difficult home life and used to be always staying at ours (Mother an alcoholic) She moved away from home for uni and said that DS wasn't being independent and being childish by living at home and went on and on until he decided to move into a shared house near his Uni in South London.
As you can imagine all he could afford was a (literally) rat infested hovell, he got ill, got depressed, girlfriend dumped him by text (she was having a great time away from home) he ended up in hospital and not completing his course.
I wish I had worked harder at persuading him to remain at home where his friends and family were, and he might have finished and got his degree.
Try and point out to him that it is his life, he might stay with her, he might not, but he has to do what makes him happy. the difficulty is treading that fine line between gentle persuasion and getting his back up.
Good luck!

On the one hand, she does sound controlling and manipulative and I wouldn't be happy about it in your shoes. But you need to tread carefully. If your DS suspects you don't like his GF then you risk creating a "it's me and her against the world" type thing where it just pushes them closer together.

The fact that he's talking to you about it suggests that, deep down, he's uneasy about the situation but he needs to decide for himself what he will and won't put up with in a relationship. I think all you can do is emphasise that it should be his decision and that you'll be supportive whatever he decides.

I think it's really difficult for young people trying to navigate life when so many challenging things and uncertainties are around.

Life gets in the way of careers at any age and it doesn't get easier to navigate even when you are older. Perhaps talk to him about how he feels and what would he like to see happen.

I read another thread where a poster got royally roasted for referring to someone (not another poster) as a stupid old cow or something close, royally roasted for being ageist etc etc. Yet on this thread sunshineonarainyday uses the phrase 'pussy whipped', one of the vilest most sexist phrases in the language, and no one bats an eye lid!

If he's taking responsibility for proper precautions an accidental pregnancy shouldn't be an issue.

Yep - or very unlikely at least.

If he tells you all this, I'd wonder if he really likes her. People who are in love with their partners don't tend to paint them in a bad light to their parents.

I would try to separate the issues. Encourage him to work as hard as he can now, and just see if he can get a place he wants. It's possible he won't given how competitive things are now, and will have to study for another year anyway. Either way, all three of you should hold back your arguments until you know what's what.