AIBU to hate strangers around DD

[Islacornx]

My DD is 6 months now and from day 1 I have hated the constant strangers coming up to my DD in her pram on walks/shops etc..
I don't mind people smiling or saying hello. It's when I literally have to stop what I'm doing while they try and have a conversation with my baby for ten minutes. Yes I know people like babies and they are cute but I'd rather they admired from afar rather than made me stop for so long. I always find it quite awkward and don't know what to do with myself as it's not me they are actually interacting with at all. And don't get me started on if they try and hold her hands and touch her face
AIBU?

[Namechangeemergency]

I know where you are coming from Grumpy but I would urge you relax just a little bit.

Attachment is important but it becomes a giant bogey man and can take over.

You can only do your best and you have to live something like a normal life.

One thing about adopted and fostered babies that enrages me is that people will often say 'awwww I'll have him!' 'oooh give her to me I will take her home'. Like an adopted or fostered child is somehow fair game for anyone who fancies a baby!

They are also usually the people who want to hear all the gory details about why the child isnt with their 'real parents'

I love to talk to babies and compliment their parents. I wouldn't pick one up or kiss one. I might occasionally let them hold my finger or something but I wouldn't immediately dive in and do that.

Having a little chat with a baby isn't going to harm their attachment grumpy. I understand your anxieties but it really won't. I am sure all the work you are doing every day would be more than enough to ensure that interactions with stranger adults will not harm or confuse your DC.

[grumpymcgrumpypants]

We're still very early days. We have to go out, to get stuff done. Many adoptive parents manage this by just staying indoors.

But why should we be imprisoned because others just cannot keep their hands to themselves? Even after I've moved slightly away. Even with baby in a sling. Even if it involves breaching my personal space, as well as the baby's. My baby is gorgeous. But tickling, stroking, high fives... all inappropriate.

Adoption isn't that rare. But lots of adopters end up being virtually imprisoned because of insensitive strangers.

76% of children adopted from care were aged 1-4, so placed a bit younger. That's actually quite a few under 2s. Newborn adoption is rare, but babies being placed is not that rare.

A few months in, I'm sure I can relax. But unless someone knows, I think asking and respecting the answer is best.

I can't see why people on here have a problem with that?

[Batteriesallgone]

I think Grumpy is probably suggesting people shouldn't treat babies like public property and should pick up on the signals given out by the parent (whether that be hey I'm friendly or FOTTFSOF). Which is what anyone decent would want I should think. No imposing of unwanted behaviour, just respect and a smile.

[grumpymcgrumpypants]

The work I am doing every day involves trying to funnel!

So limiting interactions with strangers, that is the work I'm doing. I can't relax about it, because that is funneling.

[grumpymcgrumpypants]

Batteries yes.

Babies are not public property.

[Batteriesallgone]

Oops sorry cross post / failed to load

[Namechangeemergency]

Many adoptive parents achieve this by staying indoors?
Are parents told to stay indoors now?
For how long and how do they manage that?

The advice used to be don't have big welcome parties, don't go on holiday or move house. Don't use child care for a while, take time off work etc.

Are they telling parents to not go out?

[Namechangeemergency]

Sorry, I don't know what 'funnel' means in this context.

[TheWeeBabySeamus1]

I love chatting to babies and love it when people stop to chat to my boy - most of the time. Generally my son's ok but some days he just doesn't want to strangers cooing over him and he gets upset. The amount of people I've had to just walk away from because they start with the "I'm not going without a smile" and "he needs to get used to people" is unreal. If a child is so distressed by you talking to them that they're hysterical crying, then just walk away please! On that same note of I smile or say hi to a baby and they don't look best pleased about it I just leave it.

So while it's lovely to be friendly I agree with the pp that said people need to be aware of parents/babies signals and respect that.

[JerryFerry]

Omg you sound like such a misery! Oh the awfulness of strangers being kind. I've heard it all now.

[grumpymcgrumpypants]

Funneling is the name given to this style of building attachment.

Yes, parents are told to hunker down for a certain length of time. Many parents are not permitted to introduce even grandparents in the early days.

So when a new adoptive family, where the child is not allowed to even meet it's grandparents pops to the shops, it's really inappropriate for a stranger to undermine that by doing "this little piggy", against the parents wishes, and then take offence when asked to stop.

[Silvercatowner]

I wonder if you are the person who looked daggers at me last week when I commented that her baby was gorgeous. Sad. :(

[grumpymcgrumpypants]

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/08/14/10-things-adoptive-parents-wish-their-friends-and-family-understood_n_7329994.html

[OhhBetty]

I have people stop me to say how gorgeous ds is every time we go out! He's 20 months and loves people. I love it, it makes me feel a sense of pride. And if it's someone elderly I know how much joy little ones can bring. I work with the elderly and loneliness is a huge issue. It may be the only interaction they get all day because nobody can be arsed to even say hello. I love making conversation with them but that's just who I am.

If you don't like it you don't have to stop and chat. But being polite and at least saying hello won't kill you. But it may mean a great deal to them.

[Namechangeemergency]

But surely not a problem for a stranger to pass comment or smile though?

Almost makes me glad we had feck all support and advice from SS.
Not being able to take the other DCs to school or get the shopping, go to appointments etc would have been impossible.

There are degrees of stranger interaction. Having a child who is not seen as 'yours' seems to make some people think they have as much right as you to handle your baby.
But I can't agree that someone telling your baby they are beautiful is harmful. These are the very babies that have missed out on that early cherishing and instinctive love that society gives tiny children.

They need more of that, not less. They often don't have that sense of themselves as the most important thing in the entire universe the way other babies do.

But touching and handling is not ok, I agree.

[grumpymcgrumpypants]

People we meet don't get "talk but don't touch". Chat is almost always accompanied by an invasion of space, and a fondle.

In a way you wouldn't dare to a large dog.

Why do we give babies less respect than dogs?

[grumpymcgrumpypants]

I suspect you're right.

[Namechangeemergency]

I am an adopter.

[Namechangeemergency]

of a newborn

[Namechangeemergency]

Don't be silly Navy.
I have clearly demonstrated an understanding of attachment.
Not having heard a new term used by some sectors of the adoption community is not 'strange'
Its perfectly normal.

You don't understand the importance of staying indoors with no visitors for a period of time?

Can you point out where I said this wasn't important?
I think it was more that I didn't understand how this was possible for most adopters and indeed the other adoptive parent on here has said that its not possible for her.

When did you adopt your child, was it recently?

[0urKid]

Dd2 is the only one of my babies anyone would stop me for. I remember queuing up in the bank and an elderly Chinese couple were going crazy over her. They were genuinely lovely people and were honoured when I let them hold her. I even let them take a photo. They acted as if I'd given them a thousand pounds. You'd think to hear my so called best mates reaction when I told her that I'd willingly handed her over to child murderers and waved them off.

[Geretrude]

How weird. Where are all these people who touch unknown babies? That's never happened to me or anyone I know.

I would not more touch a random baby than any other random person that I didn't know.