AIBU to hate strangers around DD

[Islacornx]

My DD is 6 months now and from day 1 I have hated the constant strangers coming up to my DD in her pram on walks/shops etc..
I don't mind people smiling or saying hello. It's when I literally have to stop what I'm doing while they try and have a conversation with my baby for ten minutes. Yes I know people like babies and they are cute but I'd rather they admired from afar rather than made me stop for so long. I always find it quite awkward and don't know what to do with myself as it's not me they are actually interacting with at all. And don't get me started on if they try and hold her hands and touch her face
AIBU?

[WLF46]

You need to be more assertive. If a stranger speaks to you, be polite, keep smiling, but keep going.

[Namechangeemergency]

No we were not disagreeing. Which is why I was surprised by Navy's responses
Perhaps I am out of date with terminology but that isn't difficult in this area. I am not out of date re attachment unless things have changed considerably in the last couple of weeks
I do worry that adoptive parents are placed under unreasonable pressure to do things perfectly with the threat of ruining their DC's lives if they don't conform to the ideal.

We can only do our best.

[grumpymcgrumpypants]

namechange I didn't really feel we were disagreeing that much! I just wondered if you were a bit out of date!

I do also have a birth child. Who I was totally relaxed about being held by anyone nice! My nature is actually quite a chilled mum, but my wish to be a therapeutic parent trumps that.

[Namechangeemergency]

batteries well, quite. Look how easy it is to read something into a post that isn't there.

grumpy you must do what you feel is best for your child. You are their mother and there will be a million people out there wanting to give you 'advice' If parents with birth children think they get a lot of unasked for comments they don't know the half of it. Having an adopted child seems to make you fair game for nuggets of brilliance.

Just be aware that there are posters on MN who really don't care about you but just like to stir things up a bit. Some of the posts directed at you were a bit unpleasant but mine were not among them. I have been on this site for a long time and cannot remember having a single disagreement with another adoptive parent (well..not around adoption).

[grumpymcgrumpypants]

namechange I didn't see your posts as criticising.

However, adopting a newborn is different to adopting a child where multiple women have arrived, smiled, then taken them forever. That's not to play down the difficulties even a newborn can have due to adoption, the separation from expected mother, high cortisol etc. But my baby has that, then some. Plus relies on me to mind read and be empathetic to everything.

Ourkid I know it's not obvious to non adopters, which is why I first posted to say that some children do need help learning stranger anxiety, so people shouldn't judge parents who don't enjoy the attention.

My aim was to educate a little as to why some babies would not benefit from attention from strangers. I unfortunately was misunderstood that I was some kind of mad "paedo on every corner" type. Then I was told to "get a grip" for parenting my child in the way they need.

If just a few people understand why adoptive parents have to funnel, and why you should take cues from parents about their babies, then this was worthwhile.

[Batteriesallgone]

Sorry name I was just saying how it came across a little adversarial. Didn't mean to criticise you. I'm not meaning to criticise anyone.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

I thought this thread was about talking to and smiling at babies not stroking them? The OP was moaning about people passing time of day with her and her baby!

When I was looking after my premature nephew I was holding him in a cafe and I had SO MANY people coming up to me to chat. I loved it! I can't have babies of my own so I suspect it was the novelty I enjoyed. It might get a bit wearying, but on the whole I think people need to be more social, not less.

[Namechangeemergency]

I haven't criticised anyone.

I was asking her questions because I was genuinely interested. Unfortunately another poster decided to put me in a adversarial light. God knows why.

Grumpy can and should do what she thinks is best. She has already decided that she cannot possibly stay in all day. How awful if someone was to come along and criticise her for going against that very hard to stick to advice.

I don't think asking a few questions about something I am interested in is the same as questioning someone's parenting is it?

You don't seem to agree with my views. Are you cricitcising my parenting of my adopted baby or are you just expressing your views?
I am inclined to believe you are just telling me how you feel rather than telling me I am a bad parent.

[Batteriesallgone]

Namechange it did read as though you were questioning Grumpys parenting. Whereas Grumpy just read as she wanted to be allowed to get on with parenting her way.

We all parent differently and all babies are different. Can't we all just respect that? Criticising new mothers for not wanting to introduce their babies or be friendly to strangers is not on IMO. We should all just let people get used to these massive changes in their lives the best way for them.

Some people cooing over babies are just being friendly. Others are obviously imposing their world view of babies 'ought' to enjoy the contact and mothers 'ought' to 'relax' and those people made me see red, it's a thin veil for being a judgey fucker.

[Namechangeemergency]

Although it seems my opinion and experience is fairly worthless.

I haven't posted in an aggressive or unpleasant way. I was giving my perspective. I haven't told Grumpy she is doing wrong, just given an alternative view based on experience.

It was very important to me that my DC was told as much as possible that he was beautiful and wonderful. No one had told him that in his short life. No one had rejoiced in his presence or marveled at his amazingness.
His life had been lonely and confusing and his basic needs not met.

I haven't told grumpy that she must let people handle her child

My views and experiences have been dismissed and Navy has implied that I am lying about my child.

I find that all a bit weird considering the tone of my posts. I am not sure what I have done to deserve it.

[Namechangeemergency]

It looked like from this statement that you weren't familiar with the importance of staying at home with no visitors for a period of time

Did it?

I was asking a direct question.

Were you told to stay indoors Navy?

I am interested in the different experiences of adopters. Advice and support is rarely uniform in the UK so its good to know how others are advised on these things.

[0urKid]

I understand you Grumpy. Now I've read your posts further I should say. You're right to follow the expert and tailored advice you've been given. I had no idea that such advice was given. But it makes perfect sense. No wonder you're coming across to others as precious. You obviously adore your new baby and want to make the transition as painless as possible. I've never had an issue with my babies being fussed over but my babies don't need counselling and reassurance. You're doing a great job Grumpy.

[Geretrude]

How weird. Where are all these people who touch unknown babies? That's never happened to me or anyone I know.

I would not more touch a random baby than any other random person that I didn't know.

[0urKid]

Dd2 is the only one of my babies anyone would stop me for. I remember queuing up in the bank and an elderly Chinese couple were going crazy over her. They were genuinely lovely people and were honoured when I let them hold her. I even let them take a photo. They acted as if I'd given them a thousand pounds. You'd think to hear my so called best mates reaction when I told her that I'd willingly handed her over to child murderers and waved them off.

[Namechangeemergency]

Don't be silly Navy.
I have clearly demonstrated an understanding of attachment.
Not having heard a new term used by some sectors of the adoption community is not 'strange'
Its perfectly normal.

You don't understand the importance of staying indoors with no visitors for a period of time?

Can you point out where I said this wasn't important?
I think it was more that I didn't understand how this was possible for most adopters and indeed the other adoptive parent on here has said that its not possible for her.

When did you adopt your child, was it recently?

[Namechangeemergency]

of a newborn

[Namechangeemergency]

I am an adopter.

[grumpymcgrumpypants]

I suspect you're right.

[grumpymcgrumpypants]

People we meet don't get "talk but don't touch". Chat is almost always accompanied by an invasion of space, and a fondle.

In a way you wouldn't dare to a large dog.

Why do we give babies less respect than dogs?

[Namechangeemergency]

But surely not a problem for a stranger to pass comment or smile though?

Almost makes me glad we had feck all support and advice from SS.
Not being able to take the other DCs to school or get the shopping, go to appointments etc would have been impossible.

There are degrees of stranger interaction. Having a child who is not seen as 'yours' seems to make some people think they have as much right as you to handle your baby.
But I can't agree that someone telling your baby they are beautiful is harmful. These are the very babies that have missed out on that early cherishing and instinctive love that society gives tiny children.

They need more of that, not less. They often don't have that sense of themselves as the most important thing in the entire universe the way other babies do.

But touching and handling is not ok, I agree.

[OhhBetty]

I have people stop me to say how gorgeous ds is every time we go out! He's 20 months and loves people. I love it, it makes me feel a sense of pride. And if it's someone elderly I know how much joy little ones can bring. I work with the elderly and loneliness is a huge issue. It may be the only interaction they get all day because nobody can be arsed to even say hello. I love making conversation with them but that's just who I am.

If you don't like it you don't have to stop and chat. But being polite and at least saying hello won't kill you. But it may mean a great deal to them.

[grumpymcgrumpypants]

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/08/14/10-things-adoptive-parents-wish-their-friends-and-family-understood_n_7329994.html